Lost for Words

by Andrea Bramhall

  Jac led Fleur inside, explaining the scene they were set up to film. The soundstage had been dressed as a bedroom, the bed rumpled, cushions strewn across the floor, clothes scattered in various places.

  “Jac!” Vanessa’s voice cut across the room.

  “Here we go.” Sasha gritted her teeth. “What the hell is her problem now?”

  Vanessa stalked towards Jac, arms swinging at her sides like a marching soldier. She pointed at Jac, stabbing her finger into Jac’s chest.

  Stepping closer, Sasha listened to Vanessa’s latest issue.

  “…don’t know how you expect me to work under these conditions. I should have a body double. I’m sure that was in the contract. I always have a body double for nudity.”

  “Vanessa, there is no body-double clause in your contract,” Jac said. “And I know for a fact you didn’t have one on the last project you did. There were breast shots in that one. I remember—vividly—how you went on and on about making sure you had no visible tan lines for it.”

  “That was just my tits, Jac. This is full-body nudity.”

  Fleur leant towards Sasha and whispered, “Has your script turned into a porno?”

  Sasha shook her head. “It’s the scene where they’re in bed together, and, yes, she’s naked, but Hazaar is covering Charlie’s body, so you don’t see anything but her breasts. For about a second.”

  “Shame. You know what they say, dear?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Sex sells.”

  Sasha lifted her eyebrows and sighed heavily.

  “I’ll do it for you, lovey,” Fleur piped up, waving her hand and stepping closer to Jac.

  Jac snorted and Sasha covered her mouth, biting her lip.

  Vanessa’s face dropped in horror.

  “That’ll be another tick on my bucket list. Well, I suppose it’s not quite ‘make my own sex tape’, but it’s pretty close.” She pointed to Becca sitting in a chair, wrapped in a dressing gown and grinning widely at the unfolding scene. “Is that the other lady I’ll be filming with?” She waved at Becca, and Becca waved back before getting to her feet and ambling over.

  “Hi, I’m Becca Monterro.” She held out her hand to Fleur.

  “Fleur Adams. I’m Sasha’s mum, and it looks like we’ll be working together today.”

  “Nice to meet you, Fleur,” Becca said and stepped to the side. She crossed one arm over her stomach and held the other over her mouth.

  “Do you think I could stretch this to cover the lesbian-lover box on that list of mine too?” Without waiting for an answer, Fleur dropped her coat from her shoulders and held it up to Jac. “Be a dear and hold this for me.”

  Jac cleared her throat. “Of course.”

  “I can show you where the dressing rooms are, if you like?” Becca offered.

  “I don’t need one of those just to drop my clothes, dear. It’s pretty warm in here.”

  “They turned the heating up so we wouldn’t be cold while we’re naked. Goosebumps aren’t sexy.”

  “Of course.”

  “Jac, you can’t be seriously considering this!” Vanessa shouted.

  “Well, I wasn’t considering anything. You were supposed to shoot your own scenes. If Fleur’s happy to stand in at the last minute, it’ll keep us on schedule, which will help with the budget. Fleur, how much do you charge?”

  Fleur toed off her shoes. “Hm, I think a fancy dinner should cover it.”

  “Done.”

  “You’re insane. She’s—she’s old. She can’t stand in as a body double for me.”

  “Well, we might have to do a little bit of…” Jac turned to Fleur and looked her up and down “…creative editing in post-production.”

  Fleur pulled off a sock and handed it to Jac. “Don’t worry, dear, my fella says I’ve got breasts that would make any man weep.”

  “What about women? The audience is likely to be mostly women,” Jac said.

  “Yes, I should imagine they’d work on them too.”

  Surely Jac will stop her before she strips entirely, right? Sasha stared, her mouth agape as Fleur pulled off her other sock and added it to the pile Jac was holding.

  “You don’t need any close-ups of feet or anything, do you, dear? I’ve not had my corns sorted recently.”

  Becca turned away, tears of mirth in her eyes.

  “Jac! Stop her!” Vanessa demanded. “She can’t pretend to be me!”

  “She’s offering to do us a favour. One we’re in need of because of your diva attitude. So why should I ask her to stop? I need what she’s offering.” Jac looked around. “Can we get a wig for Fleur over here?”

  Looking around, Sasha saw that Jac had asked Bobbi to find the wig, but Bobbi wasn’t moving. She was staring at them from across the set with a scornful look. Surely she couldn’t be that pissed at Fleur’s stunt. This wasn’t exactly out of character for her. But when Bobbi’s gaze fell on Sasha and her eyes narrowed further, Sasha realised her stint in Bobbi’s bad books was going to last a lot longer than she’d hoped.

  “Bobbi!” Fleur’s voice brought Sasha out of her morbid thoughts and back to the…disturbing present.

  “Hey, Mrs A. I’ll go find you that wig.”

  “Perfect.” Fleur’s cardigan seemed to be next on the list of items to be removed, and she worked the buttons on the thick woolly garment with a serene smile.

  “Fine, I’ll do it!” Vanessa capitulated. “But if there is even one microsecond’s footage of my pussy in the final edit of this film, you will be slapped with a lawsuit so big you’ll wish you’d never accepted this little script.” She eyed Fleur up and down witheringly, then shuddered and walked away, her nose foisted haughtily in the air.

  Becca and Jac bent double laughing, while Fleur buttoned up her cardigan again. Sasha walked to her mother’s side.

  “Sex tape? Really?”

  Fleur shrugged and reached for her socks. “A girl has got to have a few achievable dreams on her bucket list.” She pointed at her feet. “I really do need a visit to the chiropodist.”

  “Many, many years from now, when I finally get sick of you and stick you in a nursing home, if I go through your stuff and find a stash of homemade sex tapes, you realise it will scar me for the rest of my days, don’t you?”

  Fleur grinned. “That’ll be another tick on the bucket list, then.”

  Chapter 25

  The halls at Kefran Media were empty. Jac sat reviewing the dailies at the end of the fourth week of filming. Everyone had long since left for the weekend. She pulled the box from her pocket and set it on the workbench in front of her. She’d had it in her pocket for almost two weeks now. But she still hadn’t worked up the courage to give it to Sasha. Still hadn’t figured out if it was too soon. Her head said it was. They’d been sleeping together for only a few weeks. That was all. Just a few weeks. But every moment apart from Sasha felt like it dragged on for hours. She wanted to wake up with Sasha in her arms every morning, fall asleep beside her every night, and know that no matter where she was, or what time it was, or what day it was, eventually Sasha would be coming home. To their home.

  She pried open the lid and stared at the key on the tiny foam cushion.

  It might only have been a few weeks since they slept together, but Sophie hadn’t been wrong. Jac had been falling for Sasha from the moment she’d looked into those brown eyes outside Velvet. No, even before that. When she’d heard her voice on the phone, telling her she didn’t have any PPI’s or want any solar panels. Jac had started falling then, and it showed no signs of stopping. Not even slowing down.

  She’d given keys to lovers before. Lived with more women than she really wanted to admit to. But the idea of asking them had never filled her with equal parts fear and excitement like it did with Sasha. Excitement at the wonderful idea of living with her for the rest o
f her life, and fear that Sasha would say no.

  She hadn’t even told Sasha how she felt yet. Hadn’t said those three words that made Sasha so different from every other woman she’d given those keys to. So different from the women who had shared her life, her bed, but never her heart. Jac had never told anyone she loved them. Aside from Sophie and Mags, but that was different. They were the sisters she had chosen to become her family. Sasha was the woman who had stolen her beating heart from inside her chest. And Jac had gladly let her.

  Did Sasha feel the same? She hadn’t said it either, but Jac was pretty sure she did. She could sense it in the way Sasha looked at her, like everything in her world suddenly made sense. Like the black-and-white movie of her life had finally shifted to colour. At least that’s how it felt to Jac. And what she thought she saw in Sasha’s eyes when they talked, when they laughed, when they were in bed together, loving each other. It wasn’t sex. It was so far beyond sex that Jac was barely able to recognise it next to every other physical encounter she’d ever had. They made love to each other. They connected, they felt each other. It wasn’t about flesh meeting flesh when they touched; it was about souls meeting souls. And that couldn’t just be on Jac’s part. It couldn’t be.

  Jac didn’t have that good of an imagination.

  Maybe tonight would be the right time to ask Sasha. She stroked a finger over the filed grooves and ridges, then closed the lid and slid the box back into her pocket, rose from her chair, and pushed it under the editing desk before she left the room. She was almost at the door of the editing suite when she heard a voice calling her name. Jac turned and saw the slight figure of Bobbi Johnson shuffling towards her.

  “Bobbi,” Jac said by way of greeting. “You’re here late.”

  Bobbi hunched her shoulders and stuffed her hands in her pockets. “I wanted to have a word with you.”

  Jac lifted her eyebrows in surprise. Bobbi had been avoiding her and Sasha since their first date. What did she want to say to her after three weeks?

  “Can we walk and talk?”

  “Sure.” Jac pulled the door open and waved for Bobbi to exit ahead of her. The silence that followed them beyond the building seemed to belie Bobbi’s desire to talk, so Jac decided to get the ball rolling. “What can I do for you, Bobbi?”

  “Is it serious?”

  Jac frowned. “Is what serious?”

  “You and Sasha.”

  “Oh,” Jac said, “I see.” And for the first time she was absolutely certain that she did. Part of her felt sorry for Bobbi, and part of her was angry at her. Sasha was hurting because of Bobbi’s behaviour. But clearly, Bobbi was hurting too. For totally different reasons. She stopped and looked over at Bobbi, then said kindly, “It’s early days, but it seems to be heading in that direction.”

  Bobbi stopped beside her and turned to face Jac. Tears glistened in her dark eyes and she nodded. “I knew,” she said quietly.

  “You knew what, Bobbi?”

  “That she couldn’t love me. Not like that, anyway. I was always just a friend to her.”

  “Not just a friend, Bobbi. Her best friend. She does love you.”

  Bobbi’s smile grew wider, yet sadder somehow. “I know. Just not the way I love her.”

  Jac wasn’t entirely sure what to say, how to deal with this new information. Sasha had never hinted at Bobbi being in love with her, but if Jac was honest with herself, it was pretty obvious. Even over the weeks Bobbi had refused to speak to Sasha, Jac had seen her staring longingly at her. She’d just assigned the wrong motivation to that longing. She’d assumed she was missing her friend, not wishing for something Sasha could never be to her. If she could, they surely would have travelled that road before. They’d been friends for years.

  “I’m sorry.” It was the only thing Jac could think to say, and she was surprised to find it was the truth. Not sorry enough to even think about walking away from Sasha. But she did feel sorry for Bobbi.

  “Don’t. I don’t want your pity.”

  “I don’t pity you, Bobbi. I’m jealous of you in so many ways.”

  Bobbi snorted. “What the fuck have you got to be jealous of me for? You’ve got the shit-hot career, money coming out of your ears, and the most amazing woman I’ve ever known falling head over heels for you. You’ve got fucking everything, and I’ve got nothing.”

  “You’ve had years of being her best friend, her confidante. You know her in ways I never will. The past you share with her is something I can’t ever be a part of. And I know that she misses you. She’s happy, yes, but she wants to share her happiness with you too, because you’re her best friend.”

  “I don’t know if I can do that.” Tears slipped down Bobbi’s cheeks.

  “She doesn’t mean to hurt you, you know?”

  “I know.” She wiped them away. “But that doesn’t stop it hurting.” She sniffed and stuffed her hands back in her pockets. “I wish I’d never sent her script in to that stupid competition now. Everything was just fine before. Now it’s all changed.”

  “I understand why you feel that way, but things change all the time for so many reasons. Who knows, maybe Sasha and I would’ve met anyway. It feels like something has drawn us together. Maybe this was meant to be.”

  “Then why does it feel like everything’s gone to shit?”

  “It hasn’t. So much has happened for the better. Even for you.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Really? You don’t enjoy your new job better than the old one? You don’t enjoy the pay rise or the new people you’re working with? The job where you don’t have to put up with racist bigots talking to you like shit?”

  Bobbi shrugged, clearly not willing to admit that anything was better in any way. Even if it was the truth.

  “You say you love Sasha—”

  “I do.”

  “So be happy for her. She’s got the job of a lifetime here, and she will make this her career. You and I both know that. You made that possible for her. You made it possible for her dreams to come true.”

  “Yes, but you’re the one actually making them come true. You’re the one who gets to live those dreams with her.”

  “She’d share them with you too, Bobbi. Any day of the week. All you have to do is let her. Stop shutting her out and be her friend.”

  “Do you think it’s that easy? How would you feel if this was the other way around?”

  Jac shook her head and put a hand on Bobbi’s arm, squeezing lightly. “Far from it. I don’t even want to think about it being the other way around. I don’t think I’d handle it half as well as you’re doing. But I do know one thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “That being a part of Sasha’s life in any way is worth it. Don’t throw away the years of friendship you have with her without at least trying, Bobbi. She deserves better than that. You deserve better than that.”

  Bobbi stared at her, then said, “If you do anything, ever, to hurt her—”

  “I won’t.”

  “I’ll hunt you down and set Fleur on you.”

  “That,” Jac started, crossing her arms over her chest, “was just vicious, Bobbi.”

  Snorting a weak laugh, Bobbi turned and walked away, calling over her shoulder, “Good chat, Jac. Remember, I’m watching you.”

  “Think about what I said. She misses you.”

  Bobbi offered her a little wave of acknowledgement, and Jac wondered if this was the beginning of the two friends getting back on track. She hoped so. She hated to see Sasha unhappy. Thinking of Sasha, Jac turned and headed for her apartment, wrapping her fingers around the box in her pocket. Maybe.

  “Oh, God, yes!” Sasha cried and gripped the headboard of Jac’s bed while Jac worked her tongue between her legs. Her thighs quivered from the effort of holding herself up enough to let Jac breathe, but she wasn’t sure how much longer s
he’d be able to stay where she was. Jac’s hands roaming her backside, her breasts, and back were doing a wonderful job of ratcheting her excitement higher as her lips and tongue pushed her towards orgasm.

  “Hm, so fucking hot.”

  The vibration of Jac’s words against her clit pushed her over the edge. She arched her back, almost pulling away from Jac’s lips, wrapped around her clit and sucking for all she was worth.

  “Fuck!” Sasha shouted, riding the wave of ecstasy before collapsing in a boneless heap over Jac’s prone body. She groaned as she lunged to the side, barely able to control her muscles and keep from squashing Jac. She lay panting, hair across her face, one arm above her head, the other flopping over the side of the bed. Her legs felt like jelly.

  The bed dipped as Jac rolled towards her and brushed the hair off her face, then kissed her deeply. Sasha groaned again at the taste of herself on Jac’s lips. She smiled up at her lazily when Jac pulled back. “I’m going to need a few minutes, darlin’.” Eyes closed, she puckered her lips, asking for another kiss. Jac’s resulting peck was quick. Too quick for Sasha’s tastes, but when she opened her eyes again, Jac was smiling down at her.

  “I love you.”

  Did she just— Am I hearing things? Did that mind-boggling orgasm induce hallucinations? Sasha was lost for words until Jac’s expression began slowly slipping away.

  “Did you just…?”

  Jac nodded. “I know it’s really quick, and I know we haven’t known each other all that long really, but I do. You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to—”

  Sasha lifted her head and quieted Jac with a kiss. “I love you too,” she whispered against Jac’s lips. “I knew it after the first night we spent together, I just didn’t…well, I didn’t want you to think I was being all needy and tacky or clichéd. You know?”

  “You love me too?” Jac asked, the smile slipping back onto her lips.

  Tears prickled Sasha’s eyes, then spilled out the corners and into her hair. “I do. I love you so much I wasn’t sure how much longer I was going to be able to keep it inside.” She lifted her hand and stroked Jac’s cheeks, wiping the tears that gathered on her lashes.