by Ford, Mia
Walking towards the gate, I hold my head up high, I jut my chin out, and I keep my shoulders rolled back. Funny how I can look strong and confident, the way that a boss is supposed to, when I’m walking away from my managerial role. Not that I have officially handed in my resignation yet, but I don’t want to speak to Andy again until I’m far away and feeling safe from the company. Then I can thank him for everything that he has done for me, all the opportunities that he has given me, but tell him that I have changed my mind and I’m not coming back. Because I’m sure that once I set foot on that plane, this place will be behind me for good. Forever.
Thank God for Jessica, I think to myself as a grin wider. I’m so glad I have her. I don’t know what I would do without her now. At least I know for sure that I won’t ever have to find out. She will always be around for me. If she has stuck around from high school until now despite the fact that we have been in different cities, then I know that me and her will be friends forever. Just what I need right now to get me through this.
The flight is going to be busy. Judging by the amount of people sitting at my gate, there are a lot of us wanting to escape to New York. I glance at everyone, wondering who is going back home, who is heading out on vacation, what stages of their lives that they are in, what this plane ride means to them. I don’t know if there is anyone else like me, just trying to run away from everything that they have built, all that they thought was good for them, but that’s okay. I might be the only one, but it doesn’t feel any less right.
I stand on the edges of the passengers, in the place where I have always been, on the outside looking in. Only this time I have put myself there on purpose. I don’t feel like I have been shoved to one side by everyone else. I will find my place in the world, the spot where I fit in, where I’m happy. I thought that I had that with Wesley, but that was just my silly emotions getting the better of me. It’s probably just because he is the one and only person, I have had sex with. I got caught up with the physical and emotional. A mistake that is usually made by teenagers with their first crush. I’m just a little behind because I decided to wait.
Of course, being pregnant and having a permanent attachment to that man forever doesn’t help. But it doesn’t mean that we need to be connected forever in real life. Just biologically. It will be fine; we will be okay.
But teenagers get over the heart break and I’m a lot more emotionally stable than I was back then. So, I will do it too. I will do whatever my child needs of me to give us the best life without him.
It’s a relief when the flight attendants call us all over to get on to the plane. I know that I won’t be able to fully relax until I’m sitting on that plane and it is up in the air. Until my ass hits that chair, I’m in danger. But the queue is moving now and soon we will all be on board. As I wait, I slide my cell phone out of my pocket, just to check my messages before I switch it off, and of course there aren’t any. Even after my outburst at work, no one has bothered to contact me. No one cares enough about me. I’m sure that they are all rallying around Hannah right now, relishing in her drama and her hurt that I caused her. She’s good at playing that game.
You know what? I tell myself determinedly. I need to cut all ties right now. This second.
Just before I reach the desk and I make the next step on to the plane, I call Andy. This is something that I was going to do once I reached New York, but I don’t want to bring any of that baggage with me. I want my step on to the flight to be my last dealings with here. I know that I’m not coming back, so why wait?
“Hello, Zoe?” he sounds unsure to hear from me, like he doesn’t know what’s coming. “How are you?”
“Don’t worry, I’m not coming back,” I snap back sarcastically. “You don’t need to worry about me stirring up drama here, even though I only even came in to the office to work hard for you. In fact, what I’m doing is calling you to say that I’m not coming back at all. I resign. I can’t work for you or in that toxic environment again. I’m sure that you appreciate that. So, give the promotion to Wesley.” I hate the way that his name gets suck in my throat. He still causes me emotional distress even now. “He deserves it and let everyone else carry on. Good luck to you, Andy because I think that you are going to need it. I am out.”
He says something to me, but I don’t hear it because I end the call and switch my phone off rapidly. It feels good to stuff it back in my bag knowing that is done now. It’s over, I’m finally free.
“That was brave,” the woman behind me says, nearly making me jump. “Just quitting like that.”
“Oh, well… it was coming for a long time.” I smile thinly. “It shouldn’t be a surprise.”
“Still, most people accept their lot in life even if they don’t like it because they are afraid that they can’t do any better. But you don’t seem that way to me.” She cocks her head one side and examines me closely. I keep my confident façade on, wanting at least someone in the world to see me as a strong person. Even if it is this stranger. “You seem like you know what you want, and you go for it. That’s to be admired.”
“Well, I’m more just running away from what I don’t want,” I admit, unable to completely cover myself up. “But yes, I hope that I’m being strong and brave. I hope this isn’t a mistake.”
“Oh, I’m sure it won’t be. I bet this will be the best thing to ever happen to you.”
God, I hope that she’s right. And as I show my passport and boarding pass before boarding the plane, I feel like she is. I feel like leaving all of this behind can never be something that I regret. I don’t even glance backwards as I go. I just keep moving forwards. Forwards towards a brand new life. Towards New York and happiness.
Chapter Nineteen
Wesley
Five Years Later…
“Good job this week, Wesley,” Andy declares while patting me on the back. “Figures are up again. Just like they have been for the last five years. Steadily rising and all because of you. Promoting you was the best thing that I ever could have done for this company. I don’t know what we would do without you now.”
I bite down on my bottom lip so as not to let any complaints out. I can’t still bitch that I was second choice for the role, not now after all of these years. Especially not when Andy has already admitted that he was wrong about my maturity levels and that actually I was able to handle it well. Much better than Zoe could have done. Just because she was a couple of years older than me, didn’t make her a better more well-rounded person.
God, I hate the way that her name still causes a tightness to my chest, even now. It still just winds me up that I allowed myself to be coerced by her games and her lies. That I got caught up in her baby game. Thank goodness that all imploded and she moved away before anything could get even more complex between us. I have to think what game would have come next. A fake miscarriage, a pretend abortion just to punish me, who the hell knows.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. I’m twenty five years old and a much smarter person than I was back then.
“You just have to rule with an iron fist, Andy, I keep telling you that,” I tell him with a little laugh. “That’s the only way to keep these yahoos in check. That’s the only way to get anything done.”
“I know, I know, I have always been weaker than you. But that’s what makes us a good team.”
I toss my head back and laugh loudly. The fact that he thinks we are a team is crazy. I am the only one who really gets anything done around here, he just sits in the background now and signs paper work every now and again. But I don’t care, that’s how I like it. That’s how I have always wanted it to be. As long as my salary reflects what I bring to the business and everyone listens to me, all is good as far as I am concerned.
And pretty much everyone does listen and respect me, so I have it good. It wasn’t always that way, but a few official warnings followed by some firings got everything exactly where I need it to be. Now, I ask for things to be done and they get done. This is why th
e numbers are so good. Because of me.
“Well, I will leave you to it.” Andy pats me on the arm. “Just, er, let me know if you need me.”
Like that will ever happen. I don’t need him at all, and he knows that. That’s why he’s offering. But I nod. I nod as if I agree with what he’s telling me, then I turn back to get on with my work. Or at least I try to, but this afternoon there is a weirdness to the atmosphere, and I know exactly where it is coming from. Where it’s always coming from. Court and Hannah, the real poison in this office. Unfortunately, they are too clever, and they never get caught doing anything that could get them fired. I’m sure that they still stir shit up and spread rumors, I can feel them whispering about me right now, but they never do anything that I can prove. Which is why they are still here. I have spoken to Andy about getting rid of them in the past, but he hasn’t ever agreed to it.
Sometimes, I wonder if they have something over him. Something real, not just a rumor. But I suppose that’s just one of those things that I will never get to really know because he will never tell me.
I glare over in their direction, making Hannah giggle nastily. I can’t believe that once upon a time I was friends with those guys, in the middle of the bitching with them, thinking that going out with them and drinking away my worries was the best way to deal with things. I can’t believe that it seemed like Court wanted to set me and Hannah up. Thankfully, I never would have gone along with that, Hannah isn’t for me, but I’m still annoyed at myself for getting involved with them at all. My head must have been all over the place. What was I thinking?
But I have grown up now. The last five years have been important ones to me. I’m not the same person that I was when I befriended them. Not even close, but they haven’t changed at all. They are scarily the same. Still drinking all the time, coming in to work hung over, screwing around and apparently fucking one another too,
“Anything you want to say?” I call across to Hannah, refusing to be intimidated. That’s how she gets her power, or so she thinks, by making people afraid to be her next target. “Hmm? Or can we get some work done?”
“You used to be fun, you know?” She rolls her eyes dramatically. “Before you were promoted.”
“I have grown up. I realize how important it is to get work done,” I snap back. “And I didn’t used to be fun. I went out with you for a couple of nights. That’s it. So, don’t act like we were friends.”
“Oh, don’t you worry about that. I will never consider myself a friend of you.”
She wants to hurt me, and she probably thinks that she is, but what she doesn’t realize is that no one can hurt me anymore. Five years ago, after I watched Zoe walk out of my life and I realized once and for all that I was an idiot for her, I switched everything off so no one can cause me pain again. I am done. So, she can do what she wants, act however she chooses, say what she wants about me. I’m not going to care. I am done.
* * *
Why the hell did I think that coming out to dinner with Brad and Angelo after work was going to be a good idea? In what universe did I assume that this would make me feel better? As much as being at work sucks, being around my family is just as difficult. Despite all the difficulties that they have had in their lives, particularly their romantic lives, all five of my brothers have their own amazing happy ever after’s now. Wives, children, families of their own… it’s great. For them. Not so much for me. I still remember a time when we all still lived in the mansion that our parents left us when they died, and it wasn’t that long ago. Brad was just turning thirty five before everything got all complicated and everything changed. All of us left one by one for our own reasons. We might all still live in the same area, so we all get to see each other enough, but it isn’t the same.
I am the only one who lives alone in my apartment. Brad remains in our old home now with his own ever growing brood, and we are all welcome there at any time, but it isn’t mine anymore.
Normally, I am okay with the single life that I have chosen for myself. It feels right for me. I don’t need the complication of letting anyone else in after what I went through in the past, but watching my brothers coo over another ultra sound picture, it makes me want more. It makes me want what I never had.
I never told anyone what happened with me and Zoe, I never mentioned that I once almost had a child, so now I think that they just assume I don’t want children. At least not yet. Maybe they are right, perhaps…I don’t know. After all, I don’t exactly have good memories when it comes to pregnancies now, do I?
“So, this will be number three and four for me,” Brad laughs. “Since we’re having twins. And you have three, Angelo. Alex and Oliver both have two children each. Nelson and Amelia just have a bunch of dogs which keeps them happy, but what about you, Wesley? I know we are always going on about this, but when are you going to settle down? You can’t screw about forever. It won’t keep you happy, will it? Eventually, you will want something permanent. Someone to keep you warm every single night. Love rather than sex.”
They still have the impression that I still find a different random woman every night, but that isn’t me either. I gave that up a very long time ago. But better for them to think that than to know how lonely I am. I don’t want them to think about me sad and alone. It will give them the wrong impression, because really, I am all good.
“I’m still young.” I shrug my shoulders. “Why would I want to settle? You can’t comment on that, Brad, because you were a decade older than me when you finally found someone…”
“Maybe so, but that’s because I was always raising you guys. After our parents died, I was basically the parent for you all, so I had too many responsibilities to be thinking about myself.”
“Yeah, and now you have given yourself a million kids,” I chuckle. “You must like the dad role. And okay, so maybe I’m not embroiled in responsibilities, but I saw how much drama it took for you guys to be happy. Don’t forget, I helped a lot of you on your way.” I wiggle my eyebrows to remind them. “I used my tech skills, didn’t I? So, I know firsthand how messy it can all be, I just don’t want that yet.”
God, what a lie. When me and Zoe were good, I would have given up everything for her. I never would have even considered it an issue to give up my freedom or to go through dramas… but she wasn’t the right one. She can’t have been, or we would have spent the last five years in blissful contentment.
“Oh, you will,” Angelo reassures me. “Believe me. You will. One day, someone will come along…”
“No one is coming for me, and I’m good with that,” I snap back.
“Woah, you’re saying that like it’s already happened, but it didn’t work out. Did it, Wesley? I know that you are a bit of a dark horse, but have you kept all of that from us? Have you already had love?”
I part my lips, about to snap back my typical response that I don’t believe in love, but I can’t say that to my very loved up family, so I shrug instead. Hopefully they will see that this isn’t something I want to discuss.
“Well, who is she?” Brad jumps in, ignoring every social cue, all of my body language. “Huh?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. So, tell me about the twins. Are they non identical boys like Angelo and Alex or don’t you know yet…?” But he isn’t about to let me distract him like that. Funny how all he wanted to talk about was his children a moment ago. But now I have accidently said something more interesting.
“Come on. Tell us and we can help you. What are families for?”
“I definitely don’t need your help, thank you very much. Not that there is anything to help with.”
She’s gone and not coming back, and she isn’t who I thought that she was anyway. Any residual feelings that I still have for Zoe are purely for the person that I thought she was, not who she really is.
Chapter Twenty
Zoe
It all started with Father’s Day. Just an innocent celebration in kindergarten which has turned m
y life upside down. As all the children in class went around talking about what their father’s do for a living, Maddie got caught out. She told the class with great delight that she doesn’t have a daddy, which made all the other children laugh. Not only did they laugh, but they mocked her all day with some of the older kids calling her the test tube baby.
I went to the school and complained. I let them really have it, because as far as I am concerned, we don’t live in the world where the nuclear family is seen as the norm anymore. There are plenty of family sets ups, no one has it the same way, which is completely fine because there is no particular way for a family to have to be. As long as everyone is happy, that’s all that really matters, and I yelled at everyone who would listen.
I think that the policy might have been changed, I don’t really know, but it hasn’t altered anything for my little girl. Now, Maddie is worried. She has no idea who she really is, why she doesn’t seem to have a father, and she’s scared of being weird. I want her to know that it’s okay to be different no matter what happens, but that is a massive concept for a four-year-old to understand. All she really gets is that she is being picked on because her life isn’t the same as the others and that hurts her. There is a hole inside of her that needs filling.
She has asked me about her father ever since. Non-stop actually. It’s been pretty hard to deal with. I have spent the last five years constantly looking forwards, never seeing behind me because I don’t want to think about the past again. I left it back before I got on the plane and that’s where I want it to remain at all times. That includes Wesley. I have kept the same cell phone number for the last five years, just like I always knew I would, and he hasn’t been in touch even once. Even to check how I am. As far as I am concerned, he doesn’t deserve to get to know Maddie. She is way too good for him in every single way. But this isn’t about what he deserves.