by Ford, Mia
Maddie wants to know her father and she has a right to. She can make her own decision about him after spending some time in his presence. If she wants him in her life permanently, we will have to figure it out, but if she sees him for who he really is and she doesn’t want to know, then at least I tried. She can’t resent me because I gave it a go for her, and she is the one who cut him out for good. Which is what I hope she does.
And if we get there and he rejects her… well I will kick his ass and so will Jessica. My best friend didn’t want me and Maddie to come here, she has been trying to persuade me against it ever since I bought the tickets because she is so afraid of me and Maddie being hurt all over again, but I know this is what I need to do.
Woah. The air feels weird as I step off the plane. Immediately the weight that I left behind is back on me. It seems that I didn’t shed it completely, I just left it here to wait for me. I’m back five years ago, scared, alone, and pregnant, trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay. This is hard…
The thing is I was right. The last few years have been good, New York has been surprisingly good for me. I thought that I would vanish in the crowd and lose myself along the way, but Jessica was right. I found myself. Okay, so not quite like her. I haven’t found myself at celebrity parties, even dating a famous basketball player, and living a glamorous life. I work in an office on the technology side and I bring up Maddie in a much quieter existence, but still I feel like I have found my feet. At twenty seven years old, I am finally who I was always supposed to be. Or at least I was until I came back here. Now, I’m a mess all over again.
“Are you okay, Mommy?” Maddie asks me curiously. “You look all weird.”
Shit, I can’t let her see how much I’m struggling with this. I need to keep up the illusion that everything is okay. I have done well so far, I haven’t let her see any of my emotions when it comes to Wesley Smith, but it’s much easier to distance myself when I’m away in another state. Now, I feel everything all at once.
What if he’s married? I suddenly realize. What if he has more children? Another life.
It’s possible, isn’t it? I don’t know why I haven’t considered that before. Just because I have been living the life of a nun, it doesn’t mean that he has too. He hasn’t had our child to keep him distracted. Any nerves that I was feeling before have intensified and now I don’t know how to keep myself standing. I’m a mess.
“Er, yes, I’m fine, Maddie,” I lie. “I’m just looking for where we pick up our bags.”
She tugs on my arm and drags me towards the baggage claim where everyone else is walking. But as we go, I become a paranoid mess, glancing around at everyone to see if I recognize them at all. I fear who else I might bump into, not just Wesley. Andy, who I ignored after I blew off the job despite the number of times that he tried to get hold of me. Hannah, who I screamed at like a nutter before I left. Sure, she did some shitty things herself, in fact she was a massive asshole, but I could have dealt with it better too. Seeing her now would be very embarrassing. I can only hope that she got her dream and found a rich husband to leave town with. She didn’t want to stay working at the office forever, she was only doing it until something better came along, so fingers crossed the last five years have done that for her because I really don’t want this trip to be a mistake.
“Are we going to your house here?” Maddie asks me while the suit cases spin around on the conveyor belt in front of my eyes. “You used to live here, didn’t you? With Great Grandma.”
Urgh, another gut punch. I so wish that Grandma could have met Maddie. She would absolutely love this little sassy kick ass girl. They are so similar; they would get on like a house on fire. I get that sass gene just skipped me. I mean, I feel much stronger these days now that I have found myself, but I have spent most of my life blending, hiding away, balancing on the edge of things, scared to really be.
“No, I don’t have a house here. We’re going to stay at a hotel. Won’t that be fun?”
“Will my daddy be at the hotel?” she demands. “Is he excited to meet me?”
Emotion balls up in my throat, I don’t know how to answer that. How do I even tell her that he doesn’t know we are coming? I can’t, so much as I hate to, I’m going to have to lie to her again. I really don’t like giving Maddie and untruths, but if it is to protect her, I will say whatever I need to.
“Daddy will be working at first,” I say in a hushed tone. “So, we will get settled in first.”
Thankfully she nods and accepts this but as I look at her, the perfect blend between me and Wesley looks wise, my heart bleeds for her. She is so sweet, such a lovely kid, she doesn’t deserve to be rejected by anyone. The memories that I have of Wesley are mostly bad ones, him being a shit to me, but there must be good sides to him, or I wouldn’t have fallen for him at all. It just wouldn’t have happened. He has to have a heart in there somewhere. I just hope that he can extend it wide enough to let Maddie in.
“I can show you the town first anyway,” I tell her much too brightly. “Show you where I grew up.”
“I might like it.” She nods and smiles. “I might want to stay here.”
Oh God, now that I don’t want to happen. I promised myself that I wouldn’t even set foot back here again, never mind come to live. Now that I know what it’s like to exist without the weight of this pain resting on my shoulders, I don’t want to go back to it. No way. I will need to go back to New York at some point.
“Mommy, did you turn your phone on yet? Because I think that it’s ringing?”
As I scramble through my bag to get it out, I half expect this to be Wesley, finally calling me after all of these years. As if he somehow knows that I’m back and he is ready to torment me again. But it isn’t.
“Oh, hey, Jessica,” I answer with a smile. “We just landed. I’m still waiting on the suit cases.”
“So, you are okay? Sorry, I know that I’m being a freak, but I’m so worried about you being back there. I can’t stop panicking that everything is all going to go wrong once you see him again…”
“You know that this isn’t for me. I will be absolutely fine. He isn’t going to bother me.”
“I would love to believe you, but I don’t know if I can.”
I don’t know if I can either. Not now. I don’t know if I will be able to see Wesley without feeling pain because no one has hurt me like he has. No one has done anything to make me feel the way that he did. But I won’t be strong for myself. I’ll be strong for Maddie because she is all that matters here.
“I will be fine. Honestly. I promise you.” Finally, I see my suit case and I grab it off the conveyor belt. “I will keep you up to date with everything that is going on. I promise. I won’t be here for long anyway. Just long enough to keep Maddie happy and then we will be back. Back to real life.”
“But you didn’t book a ticket back, did you?” she whines. “And you told your job you aren’t exactly sure when you’re back as well. That’s what worries me. What if you don’t come back?”
“You think that I’m going to be fooled by him again?” I reply scathingly. “And that I’m going to stay? No way. There isn’t a chance that Wesley Smith will ever fool me. This is just… you know, for me to do the right thing. For Maddie’s sake. I have already explained to you why this needs to be done.”
“I get it, I do,” Jessica shoots back. “But until you’re back in New York, I will be worried.”
“Well, it’s nice to know that I always have a good friend in you, but I will be fine. I need to go now though so me and Maddie can get a cab. It’s time for us to get started on this… well, this journey.”
I smile at Maddie and she grins back at me. I just hope that we are both still smiling at the end of this.
Chapter Twenty-One
Wesley
“You headed out for lunch again today?” Wesley asks as he spots me grabbing my wallet. “Only, because it’s Friday and we’ve had a really great time rece
ntly, like I said to you on Wednesday, I brought some donuts.”
“Donuts?” I ask with a cocked eyebrow. “Andy, please. I like sugary treats as much as the next person, but donuts aren’t enough to make me want to have lunch here. I’m going out to get something to eat.”
Andy nods sadly. “It’s a shame. You always used to eat here with the rest of before the promotion.”
What he doesn’t say, or what he doesn’t notice, I’m not quite sure, is that I haven’t eaten in the office since Zoe left. I just got all bitter about the place and the people within it. I don’t want to spend any more time than is absolutely necessary among those people who caused so much trouble for me. I will be around them when I have to work, but any more than that is just too much for me. I do not need the drama.
“Well, maybe that’s why we’re doing so well, Andy. Because I don’t mix with the staff who work for me. I don’t want them all to be my friend.” I shoot him a pointed look. “So, yes, that’s why I go out.”
He looks at the bagged lunch in his hands a little miserably before he meets my eyes again. “Maybe I should come out with you. You’re right. I shouldn’t be eating with the people who work for me.”
“But I work for you,” I remind him, not wanting him to come with me. “So, that negates the point.”
“What, then I should just eat alone? That’s a bit shit, isn’t it? I don’t want to be by myself.”
“It’s lonely at the top, Andy. I can’t believe you haven’t worked that much out by now.”
I can tell that he wants to say more to me, but I’m really not in the mood for any more conversation. I don’t have anything else to say to a damn person in this place. I need this me time. I need to be alone. Unlike Andy who seems to relish the attention of others, I am quite happy to be with just me.
This is the shit that I don’t want to tell my brothers because they wouldn’t understand it. They don’t get that growing up around five brothers and constant noise, aside from the few months after our parent’s death, has made me want peace and quiet. It might have had the opposite effect on them, but I’m different.
“Anyway, I’m off.” I give Andy a wide smile. “I will see you when I get back.”
I move quickly before he can force himself upon me and I head for the front doors. Only just as I’m about to make my escape, something halts me, and I freeze. For a second it’s like I’m captured in here, trapped behind bars, unable to escape however much I want to. This has to be a nightmare, some kind of hell, I don’t get it. All I know for sure is that I can’t actually be seeing what I think I am, because that’s impossible…
Zoe Portwood. I would recognize that blonde wavy hair anywhere. Even if it is a bit longer than it was before. And that style. Harem pants as a part of her uniform, and a tight fitted top showing off her curves. She looks good. Even better than she did five years ago, if that’s even possible. Just seeing her does things to me. It twists up my stomach and makes my heart ache. I want to reach out and touch her, just to check that she’s real, but I’m also afraid to because the feel of her might shatter me. I might be left with nothing but dust at the end. She left me that way half a decade ago, and I know that she’s capable of doing the same. But when it comes to Zoe, it’s very difficult to let my rational side win out. My emotions always get the better of me.
What the hell is she doing here? My brain screams at me. Why is she back? And why do I feel this way about her knowing what I know? She isn’t a good person; I should be more than over her by now.
Just because the good times flood my mind; the kissing, the laughter, the fun that we shared, that intense feeling of love which I didn’t think would ever go anywhere… doesn’t mean that there weren’t bad times as well. I can’t forget that she tricked me and stole the job right from underneath my nose, that she lied to me and made me fall for her, made me think that we were going to have a family, just to beat me. Just to win out and climb above me. Of course, it didn’t work out and she ended up leaving, but she still did it. She still tried.
It was a roller coaster, a horrible ride that left me sick and dizzy at the end. It took me a long time to get back up on my feet and to see steady once more. I can’t climb willingly back on to that ride. It doesn’t matter how much my body wants to race out there to find out what’s going on, I can’t. I really can’t.
But why is she here? I need to know. I can’t help needing to know. It’s been five years since she upped and left, and I know that she properly went because there wasn’t any sign of her at her apartment. She definitely got on a plane and went somewhere, leaving all of this behind, leaving me behind, and she didn’t even say goodbye. If that wasn’t a sign that she was more than done with me, then I don’t know what was…
But what is this a sign of? Why the hell is she back? Why now? What could she want?
Maybe I should go outside. She may have some things that she wants to say to me. After all, not only is she back but she’s hanging around outside the old office right at lunch time. It doesn’t matter how long it has been, she must know the working hours of this place. It’s pretty damn obvious, they are very standard, which might mean that she has come here for a reason. To talk to me. Who else could it be? Andy? No, I’m sure she said everything that she needed to when she handed in her resignation. Hannah? No, I don’t think her either because if those two really were friends then they would have remained friends after she left. It has to be me.
So now, that leaves me with just one choice. Do I go out there and face her or do I hide away? If I stay here, then I am accepting and embracing the life that I have right now. I’m taking everything that I currently have and staying with it, knowing that this is all I will ever have. I have been telling everyone that I am happy, I’ve been convincing the whole damn world that I’m doing okay and I’m happy as I am, but… am I? Really?
If I go out there, I mess up the status quo. For bad or good, I don’t know. But it will change things. I have been level headed without Zoe, coping, getting by… she could completely up end things right now.
But she’s here for a reason, isn’t she? And I don’t think that I will ever be able to cope if I don’t learn what that reason is. I will always be asking myself ‘what if?’ and I have a feeling that those regrets will eat me up even more than that ones that are based on actions that I have actually taken.
I push the door open. Quietly, slowly, not wanting to cause any kind of squeak. I don’t want to get her attention before I’m ready for it. This moment is going to be massive, there is no telling how huge, and I need to be ready to face it. My heart is already thundering, my breaths sharp and ragged, I think that I might even be shaking with nerves. I take a tentative step, staring at her hair blowing in the wind, wondering if she can sense my eyes upon her. My gaze must be piercing right through her now, but still she doesn’t turn. I’m going to have to call her. I need to yell out her name because if my instincts are somehow wrong and I get all the way over there just to learn that by some miracle that isn’t her and I have started hallucinating her, then I will be disappointed.
No, disappointed isn’t the word. I will be absolutely crushed and destroyed. I barely recovered the last time around. I won’t recover this time, there isn’t a chance. I need to know before I lose my damn mind.
“Z… Zoe.” Shit, that wasn’t cool. I stammered like a fucking idiot. “Zoe Portwood?”
She turns slowly and her eyes meet mine. Instantly she smiles, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see the hesitation in her face. She doesn’t know how to approach me or what to think of me. She doesn’t know who I have become over the last five years, which is fair enough because I no longer know who she is either. She is someone that I knew once upon a time, someone that I shared a very brief connection with, someone who could have gone anywhere in the world and become anyone. I need to be so cautious, I have to protect myself.
“Wesley,” she half whispers. “Wesley Smith, I didn’t mean… sorry, I didn’t mean to…�
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Her discomfort causes me to take a step backwards. I don’t want to make her uneasy. That isn’t how I need this to go down. Whatever she has come here to discuss with me needs to come out in whatever way she needs it to. Even if it’s bad news and something that I really don’t want to hear.
My eyes automatically dart towards her left hand. I guess that I am looking for a wedding ring, to see if she finally met the man who can make her happy forever more. I don’t know how I will feel about that. I will be happy for her, I suppose. Whatever happened between me and her, I wouldn’t wish misery on her life. But it will cut me deep as well because I think that what we shared could have become that… if she’d let it.
Oh my God. There might be no ring, but there is something else. A small hand looped in hers that I didn’t notice before. A small hand that is attached to a very small girl. One who, judging by my nieces and nephews, must be about three of four years old. One with the same shock of blonde hair that Zoe has…
But those eyes. The girl looks at me and her eyes are all too familiar. Mostly because I see them every damn day in the mirror… but that means… or it could mean… oh God, I don’t know what it means. I clutch on to my belly hard and hold it as I let this wash over me. If this is a young girl born over four years ago, around half a year after Zoe left here then that means… oh my God, it wasn’t a lie. The baby wasn’t anyway. Only when she told me that Hannah was telling the truth.
Did she really tell me that though? Or was she just yelling at me and I took it because it was easier to accept the truth? The truth that is now staring me in the eyes, demanding that I pay her attention at last.
Chapter Twenty-Two