by Ford, Mia
“So, what the hell has a one night stand from years ago got to do with now?” It seems like Alex is jumping in on the Nelson impatient band wagon. “I don’t understand where we’re going with this.”
“Well, at the time, she told me that she was pregnant…” As to be expected, this causes gasps from all around the room. “But there were all sorts of complications. Such as people telling me that she was making it up to distract me from getting a promotion, and I was stupid enough to believe them over her.”
“But you got the promotion in the end? Didn’t you?” Brad asks curiously. “Because you’re the manager.”
“She got it first. She was offered it because she was better than me, which is what made me believe all the bullshit. I was arrogant enough to assume that I should have got it. I didn’t even consider that she was just better than me. I chose to believe what everyone else was telling me instead. I was an idiot.”
“So, was there a baby?” Brad looks at everyone but me. “Or not. I’m a little confused here. And why the hell are we only just hearing about this now? Surely, you haven’t kept this a secret for this long?”
“I have only just found out myself. Because I was such an asshole to Zoe, she left and moved to New York. She had to escape everything that was going on here, because it was toxic. I was under the impression that there wasn’t a baby, so I didn’t reach out to her. I threw myself in to work instead because it was easier. Because I didn’t reach out to her, Zoe assumed that I didn’t care, so she carried on and had the baby without me. She has come back now because Maddie has been asking about me. She wanted to get to know me.”
A thick silence clings to the air. I look at everyone waiting for someone to break it. In the end it’s Brad.
“So, wait, all this time we thought that you were playing the field and not wanting to settle down and have a family… you had one the whole time, and none of us knew. Not even you? That’s so wild.”
“Pretty much. But, please, don’t think badly about Zoe for this. I am to blame. I was a prick.”
“Well, I’m sure we can all believe that! You always have been the prick out of all of us.”
“Right, yes.” I let out a laugh. “But I’m making up for it now. I’m trying to be the father that I didn’t know I was. Me and Maddie have been hanging out and spending time together. We’ve been getting to know one another… and now I would like to get her to know the rest of the family as well. Maddie and Zoe.”
“Well, of course they are welcome to the barbeque!” Brad declares, just as I knew he would. “We would love to meet them, and we will do whatever we can to make them feel welcome… but what about you? I mean, how do you feel about all of this? This is crazy. Your daughter must be about four now? Am I right?”
“You are… and yes, of course that does mean that I have missed out on a lot, but I don’t want to dwell on that. I just want to make up for now. It might not be easy because right now, they are permanently based in New York, but I’m doing what I can.” I smile, hoping that everyone will just be cool about this. Luckily, it seems like they are. “I think that meeting the whole family is the next big step. Especially since Zoe doesn’t have anyone.”
“Wow… well much as this is a big shock to all of us, we are here to support you, Wesley.” All my other brothers nod to agree with Brad. “You are a real dark horse, aren’t you? Trust you to have this secret.”
“Well, it hasn’t really been a secret. It’s just been something that I needed to adjust to. That’s why I have waited a little while before coming to you with this because me and Maddie needed time first.”
“How is it?” Alex jumps in. “Being a father, I mean? Because we have all done it from the beginning so is it weird trying to jump in right in the middle? Sorry, I know that might be a bit of a dick question…”
“I don’t know if it is any different,” I admit, taking no offense at all. “But it’s an experience.”
“You look happy actually.” Alex leans in to examine me closely. “Happier than I have ever seen. I always thought that work was what gave you purpose, but now it seems to be different.”
“It is.” I can’t stop myself from beaming. “Maddie really has given me a purpose.”
“I can’t wait to meet her. And this mystery woman as well.”
“Zoe is really concerned about meeting all of you,” I say seriously. “So, will you please be nice to her? Make it easy for her and me? We have been through enough drama already. I don’t need struggles from the past to get in our way. I know that you guys are protective, but please just let this go.”
“What’s the deal with you and this Zoe?” Nelson jumps in. “Was it just a one night stand back then?”
I realize that I have forgotten a big part of the story. “Oh, well when I first heard that she was having my baby, before things got all complicated and messed up, we had a bit of a relationship. I thought that we were going to have a proper little family. That we would go the distance.”
“But what about all of the competition stuff? I thought that you didn’t get along?”
“Oh, we got over that. We actually had a pretty good thing going. It was weird.”
“And would you want to get back with her?” Nelson demands. “Because I haven’t ever heard you talk about anyone else like you really like them. It seems like you and her had a real relationship.”
“I guess we did.” I stir uncomfortably on my seat. The spot light isn’t supposed to be on me for this. “But that was five years ago now. A lot has happened since then. I don’t think it’s written in the stars for us to be back together because we have to focus on Maddie. Plus, she might be back in New York…”
“Might be?” Nelson jumps on this. “So, she could stay? Has she suggested that she might?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know what her plans are, and I don’t want to get carried away either. I don’t want to get all excited about something, just to have it taken away from me. Right now, I’m trying to focus on the present, just to get it right. I can’t mess things up. It’s so important to me.”
Brad jumps up and he comes to where I’m sitting to throw his arms around me. Before I know it, all my brothers are around me and supporting me. I can hear them all murmuring together, giving me reassuring words. I can’t hear all of them but that doesn’t matter. The sentiment is there. They are on my side, as usual.
Zoe doesn’t need to worry; she doesn’t have anything to panic about when it comes to my family. If she lets them, they will become her family as well. Especially with Maddie. Now, I’m excited for them to all meet. I’m looking forward to Maddie getting to know her cousins and really having other kids around her. She will love it, and I’m sure that they will all love her as well. They’ll get along famously, I’m sure. I can see it now, them all playing and getting along. Almost like brothers and sisters. God, it would be good for Maddie to have that.
“Thank you, guys,” I tell them all seriously. “I appreciate all of this.”
“We are here for you, aren’t we?” Brad mumbles against my shirt. “That’s what family is for.”
“Well, you are a great family. I am a lucky person.”
This closeness makes me yearn even more to have Zoe and Maddie here permanently. I love the idea of us all being in the same place so we can really be a family. A real family. This conversation has made me want even more the one thing that I shouldn’t want. Me and Zoe. Nelson is right, she’s the only one who I have ever really cared for. The only person who I have properly wanted to be with.
Can I want that again? I ask myself curiously. Can I want her? Am I really changing my mind again?
I know that I’m not supposed to. I understand that I need to be focused on Maddie. But at the same time, if I could make it work with Zoe this time around, then wouldn’t that be wonderful? We could have that dream, the one that I shut down the moment that Court told me she was lying about having a baby. The dream of me and Zoe having a real genuine future
together. The whole nine yards. Marriage and all of it.
We could probably do it this time as well because things are different. I’m older and she is, as well. We have more important priorities. I don’t think that it would go downhill again in the same way. I’m sure that if we tried again and we really threw ourselves in to it, it could be something amazing.
But I don’t know what page Zoe is on and that’s important. Because if I’m reading everything wrong and she doesn’t want me again, then that changes everything. I will have no choice but to back away. Maybe I will have to try and address this at some point, to try and gauge how she’s feeling. I don’t know how to go about that without making a massive ass out of myself, but I will do what I can.
Chapter Thirty
Zoe
I cling to Wesley’s arm, just needing his support. Not because I’m not enjoying this party with all of his family, but because there are just so damn many of them. I guess that I should have guessed that it would be like this. He has five brothers who are all parts of families of their own, but even in the massive back yard of Wesley’s childhood home, it’s crazy and chaotic. There are just so many of them. It’s insane.
Since I always had a small family, no cousins, not a sibling in sight, this is crazy for me. But in a good way.
“Sorry,” Wesley practically whispers to me. “I know they can be a bit loud.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m fine.” I force a smile on my face. “I just wasn’t expecting it, I don’t think.”
“Has everyone been welcoming to you? My brothers can be a bit much…”
“Oh, they have all been lovely.” Much nicer than I was expecting actually, considering. I thought that someone would have a comment about me leaving for New York, but no one has. I guess Wesley must have explained the situation. He’s probably shouldered a lot of the blame as well so they wouldn’t hate me. “Their wives as well. They have all been really nice to me, and everyone has welcomed Maddie in as well.”
I glance at Maddie, knowing that she doesn’t need me. She hasn’t needed me for even a second since we got here because she’s been with all of the other children, just playing and having a good time. She hasn’t stopped smiling since we got here. More than ever before. She fits right in with all of her cousins. It’s great for her… of course it leaves me in the position of still not knowing what I’m going to do in the future. Even less so now. But I’m trying not to think too much about that. I have enough on my plate today.
“Yes, everyone has been great. Thank you for inviting us to this.”
“Well, you are a part of this family as well. As much as you want to be. You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. I’m not going to expect you to hang out with them every time you visit from New York, or whatever. But if you would like to be a part of this, then you are absolutely welcome.”
Wow. I could actually be a part of a family. A real one, a big one. The Smith family. It wouldn’t be something that I have ever been through before, not even when I was younger, but there’s a part of me that’s always wanted to be in a big family. From the outside looking in, it seems like a really good support system.
“That’s good,” I reply hollowly. “I will have to have a think about that. But thank you.”
I don’t know what I need to think about really. Is it the family aspect or the New York aspect? Because if we did go back then we could still be a part of this family, but we would always be on the edge. Me especially. But if we stayed… well, we could really slide in to the folds and become a staple part of this.
“I’m just going to get a drink,” Wesley declares, pulling away from me slightly. “Do you want anything?”
I shake my head and watch him walk away from me, my heart sighing as he leaves. The moment that I lose sight of him, I miss him. I miss him a lot really. I feel like the way that I’m looking at this man is dangerous. I’m sliding down a slippery slope in to feelings that are far too complicated for my liking. These butterflies are too much for me. They make me want to just grab him and kiss him already. I want to return to that bond we shared five years ago. It doesn’t even matter that we can’t go back there now because everything has changed, I still want to act on these ever growing feelings. Even with his family all around…
We’ve been close today, practically sticking to one another’s sides, and in this casual environment with Maddie distracted I’ve been to focused on him. Everything that I have wanted to suppress comes flying out. It’s been rising up ever since we first got here, and I’m scared that I can’t keep it inside any longer.
“Mommy!” Thankfully, Maddie grabs my attention before I can get too lost in that thought. “Mommy, I have been invited to a sleep over here. Everyone is staying. Can I stay for a sleep over too?”
Sleep over? Oh my God. No way, that’s a bit too much. She can’t do that. We have only just met these people. I already know that I’m going to crush her though even as I bend down to speak to her.
“I don’t know if a sleep over is the best idea, sweetie, because we have only been here for a while…”
“But these are my cousins, Mommy. Everyone is staying. I want to be with family.”
This tugs at my heart strings. I feel horrible for having to say no, but this is a bit too much, isn’t it? This is too fast. The Smith family are great and welcoming, but I don’t know how to take this.
“Mommy, please don’t say no. I want to be here. It isn’t fair that everyone else gets to stay.”
I take Maddie’s hand and stare in to her eyes. “I would much prefer if you came back to the hotel with me.”
“No!” she screams loudly. I can practically feel the eyes of everyone else on me which brings an embarrassed heat racing through my body. The last thing I need is to be judged for my parenting. “Mommy, no. Please, let me stay here. I don’t want to leave the party and to be on my own. I don’t like it.”
She’s breaking my heart. Every single word is shattering me. I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. If she starts crying, then I might burst in to tears myself.
“What’s going on?” Thank goodness. Wesley is back. I haven’t ever needed another parent to help me as much as I do right now. “What’s the matter, Maddie? Why are you getting all worked up?”
“Mommy won’t let me stay at a sleep over here and I really want to. It isn’t fair.”
Instead of telling her that I’m right, Wesley gives me a look. He wants to know why I have said no, which is stupid. He must understand that I’m nervous because me and Maddie don’t know these people enough.
“Maddie hasn’t ever been to a sleep over before,” I hiss. “I don’t know if this is too fast.”
Brad rests his hand on my shoulders, making me jump. “Listen, you don’t have to leave Maddie here, I completely understand. But we can look after her. We have spares of absolutely everything, so she doesn’t even need any things. And you and Wesley are both nearby if she needs you to come. I will call you right away. We don’t get a lot of sleep in this house anyway with all of the children, so I’ll be up to watch her.”
I know that he wants to do a good thing for me, and I really do appreciate it, but I can’t get rid of the tight knot of anxiety in my chest. I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can walk away from her.
“Please, Mommy.” Maddie flutters her eye lashes at me. She can see that the pressure is being put on me, and she intends to use that to her advantage. I know exactly what she’s doing, but it’s working.
“You’ll call me?” I ask Brad. “If anything happens at all. I will have my cell phone with me the whole time.”
“Believe me, I know how hard it is when it comes to all of the sleep overs. It was hard for me as well. But these kids are great. They spend a lot of time together, sleeping over one another’s homes, so I have gotten used to it now. But I know that you aren’t, so I will be vigilant the whole time. I can send you regular updates.”
I nod reluctantly. This
is what I came for, I do know that, but still it’s hard to pull away and let go. “Okay fine. Thank you very much, Brad. That’s really kind of you. I appreciate it.”
“Does that mean I can stay?” Maddie demands, the excitement palpable.
“Yes, I suppose so. But please, when I go, be good. Do as you’re told.”
She doesn’t even answer me. She races off with her cousins to play once more. She’s happy, and I’m glad that she can be, but I just know that I will spend all night in the hotel room sitting up and worrying. It should be a night of me getting a good night of sleep because I’m alone, but that won’t happen.
“She will be fine,” Wesley reassures me with his arm around my shoulder. “Don’t you worry.”
“Oh, I will be worried. You can be assured of that. But I’m sure that she’s in good hands.”
All the people here are great and I can tell that they are all good parents. Brad especially seems to be a great father. He’s very doting and it’s obvious how much he loves his children. Maddie will be fine with him. Rationality doesn’t come in to play though. Not when my emotions are all over the place.
“She loves it here anyway,” I comment idly. “So, Maddie will enjoy herself.”
God, she loves it. She loves it so much. I know what her answer would be if I gave her half the chance to tell me. I bet that she doesn’t even remember her life in New York anymore. And why would she? It was much less exciting than this. There is so much pulling me towards wanting to stay. I can’t help it; the urge keeps getting stronger and stronger. I honestly don’t know if I would be able to get on that plane now.