Retreat

by Dykes, Nicole

  “Morgan.”

  I drop my hands and turn slightly to look at him. “Ty, don’t do this. We’ve been here before. Nothing has changed. I still want this. I’m not a little girl. I knew what I was getting into.”

  “You let me use you.”

  I groan and lean back against the couch. “I’m using you too. I really liked how you used your tongue this morning.”

  Please, let’s just get past this.

  He leans back next to me, his voice husky and sad. “I really liked that too.”

  “So then, let’s keep doing this. I’ll handle Jay.”

  “I don’t want a relationship, Morgan. I can’t do this.”

  I groan loudly this time, so fucking sick of this dance. “I know that. I’m fine with that, but what I don’t get is why you are so fucking afraid of a relationship. Your parents are married. They’re happy. You grew up with actual role models. Why the fuck are you so broken?”

  And maybe it’s harsh, but I know he can handle it. He scoffs as he turns to look at me. He’s not angry, but he’s looking at me like I’m the crazy one. “Happy? My parents aren’t fucking happy. Sure, they stayed married and they don’t fight all the fucking time, but they weren’t happy. They got married right out of high school because it’s what you do. The quarterback and the cheerleader in a small town. You graduate. You get married. You have babies. They had me.”

  “Doesn’t sound so bad.”

  “They were sleepwalking, Morgan. They just did what was expected, the bare minimum of life.”

  “So, you want more? Okay. You have the career you want in the city. You aren’t stuck in a small town. You can have more.”

  “I do. I have everything I want.”

  “So, why are you so fucking scared?”

  I’m done holding back. I need answers. He sits up straight, and I can see how tense he is. “I tried the relationship thing, thinking I could maybe have more.” I fight a scream that’s bubbling up in me. It always goes back to that fucking relationship. “It faded away, Morgan. You know why?”

  He turns and looks back at me over his shoulder. “Because she was in love with Tate.”

  “No.” He shakes his head, and I cock an eyebrow in curiosity. “I didn’t fight for her, not even a little bit. I kissed you. I pushed her away because I didn’t want to fight. I let her go. The need and want for a real relationship faded because I was bored, because it’s inevitable. My parents are sleepwalking through their marriage because they got bored, but they’re too fucking comfortable in the boredom to make a change.”

  Jesus, he truly doesn’t believe in love. “Did you want anyone else? With me, I mean, or even before we started sleeping together?”

  He was in a rut. He had lost his mojo and didn’t want anyone, but he wanted me.

  “No.”

  “Neither have I.”

  “Except Chase.”

  Low. “I used him when you wouldn’t fuck me.”

  No shame. I’m done being the pathetic, little girl.

  “It doesn’t mean this attraction . . .” He takes my hand and looks into my eyes. “This fucking indescribable heat won’t fade. I don’t want to be locked into a relationship. I told you that before we started.”

  “And I’m fine with that.”

  He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “But you’re not really.”

  No. I’m not.

  He stands, his fingers sliding through his hair, and I can tell he’s stressed to the max. “I can’t do this anymore.”

  I stand up, my eyes pleading with his to look at me, but he refuses. “Don’t do this.”

  He still won’t look into my eyes, his bouncing around the room. “I shouldn’t have ever started this.”

  “Fuck you, Ty.”

  I run up the stairs quickly getting dressed, and when I get downstairs to the living room again, I see him walking out the door to his patio.

  Part of me hates him for not following me up the stairs, for not fighting for me as if I’m no more important than Evie.

  And the other part, the part I’ve been warring with for years, still loves him and always will.

  On top of everything else this morning, I was late to fucking work. I hadn’t really planned to stay the night with today being a race day, but my God, I just couldn’t get enough of Ty.

  I left and didn’t bother to change before I drove to the hotel and picked up Chase. Tate will meet us at the track.

  I’m assuming the race was why Jay was at Ty’s this morning. They don’t typically go to the races, but they do barbecue and hang at Ty’s house.

  I’m surprised Frankie didn’t show up with him.

  “I really like what you’re doing with your look, I gotta say.” I roll my eyes as we pull up through the racers’ designated entrance, and I park my car outside Chase’s racing trailer.

  “Funny. Really fucking funny.”

  “So, I’m gonna guess we succeeded in making that fucker jealous, and he gave it to you all dirty and hard this morning. That’s why you were late?”

  “You’re such a fucking pervert. You want details?”

  Chase’s grin widens. “Fuck yeah, I do.”

  I lean across the car, and he smiles bigger, settling in. I grab the handle and push to door open. “Get out of my fucking car, and go win the race.”

  He’s not amused. “Oh, come the fuck on. Just give me something.”

  I flip the visor down and look into the mirror. Shit, he’s right. I’m a hot mess, minus the hot. I pull my hair into a ponytail, securing it with the scrunchie around my wrist. “I’m not giving you any of the dirty, delicious details.”

  I’m not telling him that Ty ended shit. I don’t want or need his opinion on the whole situation.

  “You’re seriously no fun.”

  “Go suit up, asshole. I’ll see ya before the race.”

  He climbs out of the car, and I do my best to make myself presentable before I go and talk to Tate, who was in his trailer with Evie. Seeing her was just the fucking cherry on top of this bullshit day.

  `After getting both of the men I work for ready for the race and in their cars, I join Dani in the pit.

  Dani assists her husband, Michael, and her friend Cash, and she looks gorgeous as always in a black, leather skirt and a dark purple Monroe Racing tee. “God, they are pains in the ass, aren’t they?”

  I laugh at that as the race starts, the engines roaring through the stadium. “Yup.”

  I should be focused on the race or maybe up in the press box, bragging about my boys, but my heart aches, thinking about this morning. I don’t want to be here or anywhere.

  Dani leans against the track wall, folding her arms and eyeing me. “What’s wrong?”

  Ugh, why am I surrounded by strong, incredibly smart women all of the time? I need to find dumber friends. There’s no use lying to her. She’s become a good friend over the years, no matter how unlikely. When we first met, Michael and she weren’t together, and I was slightly fixated on him, trying to get my mind off Ty. She should hate me, but Dani’s not really like that. She’s confident and knows Michael is no doubt hers.

  “I fucked up. I slept with Ty, thinking that maybe just maybe, he’d fall for me.”

  She doesn’t seem to pity me, but she does look saddened. “Didn’t go well?”

  “No. Not at all. Turns out, I can’t just do the sex-with-no-feelings thing, not with him anyway.”

  She nods, as she turns and looks out at the track. “You know why?” She doesn’t wait for me to answer as she looks over her shoulder at me. “It’s because you have feelings for him.”

  I laugh at the simple answer that makes all the sense in the world and stand next to her, also looking out at the track. “I know.”

  She shrugs her shoulders. “Boys are stupid. It takes a really long time for them to grow up.” She nudges my arm with her own. “And you’re hot shit. You’re Morgan O’Neal. Strong, sexy, confident and assistant to two of the hott
est racers there are right now. I mean damn, girl. You don’t have to sit around and wait for any guy.”

  I believe all of those things, but my heart is an idiot. “Was Michael this stupid?”

  She laughs out loud at that, nodding her head. “Oh my God, yes. We both were. It took so long for us to get together and make it work. And then the fucker actually asked me if our son was his when I told him I was pregnant.”

  “Yikes.”

  She laughs. “See? Stupid.”

  I nod. “Yeah. That’s pretty fucking stupid.”

  “But now, look at him.” She smiles fondly as she looks out at the track. “He’s an amazing husband and father.”

  “I’m glad you two worked it out. I can’t imagine you apart.”

  “Yeah, it took some time though. I’m grateful for the time we had apart. I moved to Texas and worked for Cash for a year. It was what we needed.”

  My time apart from Ty, however, apparently did no fucking good.

  I don’t want to talk about this anymore and decide to change the subject, maybe cheer myself up a little. “When you worked for Cash, did you and he ever . . .”

  She laughs again and shakes her head. “No. I mean, he’s hot and all,” she shrugs, “but he was always kind of like a brother.”

  I nod, expecting that answer. I’ve seen them together a lot over the years.

  “What about you and Chase?”

  She knows me too well. She already knows I slept with Tate. I laugh and cover my face, which causes her to laugh too and wrap an arm around my shoulder. “Oh, girl.”

  We laugh together and watch the race, and I try my best to keep my mind off Ty.

  Maybe it’s time for me to just let it go.

  Is that even possible?

  Today was not a good day. I fucking failed at handling shit with Morgan yet again. And I mean epically bad.

  It’s not that I don’t want her. I do, but I couldn’t look Jay in the eye and give him my word before I was certain and before I talked to Morgan.

  Really talked to her and figured some shit out first. I needed a moment to think, and I couldn’t do it. I panicked, and I failed. And when she called me out on my parent’s relationship, I handled that badly too.

  They were never happy, I knew that growing up. I could feel it. They didn’t hate each other, but there was no passion there. That’s for damn sure. I always feared becoming them. Complacent, taking the easy route and never truly enjoying life.

  I should have just told her I needed a minute. I shouldn’t have let her fucking leave.

  I know one thing. Evie and I weren’t right for each other. I didn’t fight for her because I knew we weren’t right for one another.

  But Morgan?

  She’s been gone for less than twenty-four hours, and I feel like I might actually fucking die.

  I need her.

  I see headlights and watch as Morgan’s car pulls in the drive. My stomach sinks, thinking about the fact that she may not be alone.

  Please don’t let me be too late.

  She climbs out of the car and locks it, taking her time to join me on the porch, and as far as I can tell, she’s alone.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Don’t fuck this up, Ty. This is your last chance.

  “I don’t like how we left things earlier.”

  She rolls her eyes and scoffs as she passes me on the porch and goes straight to the door to unlock it, keys in hand. “This is the part where you apologize and tell me that you really want to stay friends.”

  I’m so fucking glad she has that fire. I stand up and walk to her, but I don’t touch her, knowing I don’t have that right. “No. This is the part where I tell you I’m in love with you.”

  I swear her jaw drops as she stares at me. “You what?”

  “Yeah . . .” I grip the back of my neck. “Fucked-up timing.”

  “You could have fucking said that earlier.”

  “I know. I should have.”

  She shakes her head and unlocks her door, but doesn’t push it open. “But you didn’t. Because you don’t want to be in a relationship.”

  “Right. I don’t.”

  She groans loudly, a scream following it as she raises her hands in the air like she wants to strangle me. “That’s it, Ty.” She shoves my chest, pushing me backward slightly as she takes a step into me. “You get one chance. I’m going to ask you this, and I don’t want any bullshit. I want a quick, honest answer.”

  I nod my head, straightening my back and lifting my chin. “Go ahead.”

  “Are you truly in love with me?”

  “Yes.” I don’t miss a beat. I don’t have to think about it. I’ve been thinking about it all goddamn day.

  She pokes my chest with her finger. “That’s all I need. You don’t want to define it, fine. But whether you like it or not, we’re in a relationship. You were committed to me for a long time, and you do love me with everything you have.”

  I nod my head, not arguing. “I do. And I am. And we are.”

  “You’re fucking infuriating.”

  “I’m a fucking idiot. No doubt. I spent so much fucking time trying not to hurt you that all I did was hurt you.”

  Tears fill her eyes. “Are you done with that part?”

  “So fucking done. I’m in love with you, Morgan. And we aren’t my parents because I can’t fucking breathe when you’re not around. And it is not easy being with you. You push me nonstop. You call me out, and you make me want to be better. You’re everything, and I’ll die knowing that I had real love no matter what happens down the line.” I take her hand and bring it to my chest. “I live and breathe for you.”

  “Why the change of heart?”

  “I came back inside just as you were closing the front door. And that sound of the door closing as you left was the scariest sound I’ve ever heard.”

  “Wow.” She looks up into my eyes. “You really are whipped.”

  I smile down at her. “So fucking whipped.”

  “I love you too, you know.”

  I nod. “You shouldn’t.”

  She laughs and kisses my lips. “I know, but I do. My heart is an idiot.”

  “So, we fit.”

  “It would seem so.”

  I kiss her lips softly and hold her body to mine. “I’ll talk to Jay. I’m sorry I didn’t just tell him earlier how fucking much I love you.”

  “You don’t owe me anything, Ty.”

  I look into her eyes, using one hand to tip her chin upward because I want her to feel every single word. “I owe you everything, Morgan.”

  She smiles sweetly, and I kiss her lips before we go inside her house, making our way to her bed, and as clothes fly off, I know I should probably just shut my mouth, but something else has been bugging me since this morning.

  She tosses her shirt to the floor, and I lay her down on the bed. “Morgan, when Jay said he almost died for you earlier, what the fuck was that about?”

  She props herself up on her elbows, looking up at me like I’m crazy. And I know I am because she’s fucking gorgeous and forgiving and still willing to fuck me after everything. She sighs and pushes back to lean against the headboard as I sit on my knees in front of her.

  “Jay never told you?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  She nods, gnawing on her bottom lip, and I know the memory must be painful. “When I was six and he was eighteen he saved me. Well, one of the first times. You know I lived with my mom and he lived with his, but he always checked on me, like every single day even though we lived across town from each other.”

  That part I knew.

  “Anyway, at that time my mom had this horrific boyfriend, and I mean so fucking bad. He beat the hell out of us both almost every day. One day, I came home from school and walked in, not finding my mom, but he was there.” I swallow, having a sinking feeling in my gut. “Jay walked in on him with me in my room. I don’t remember that part clearly, but I remember him trying to get
my pants off.” She stops for a minute and clears her throat.

  “You don’t have to tell me, Morgan.”

  “No secrets. It’s okay.” She’s so fucking strong. “Jay burst through the door and lunged at him, but this guy was massive and high. He was on something that just made him seem invincible. And he just started wailing on Jay, hitting him and kicking him over and over.” Morgan visibly shivers. “I screamed at him to stop and jumped on him but he just threw me off. I’ll never forget the blood. There was so much blood. Jay’s blood.”

  “Jay?”

  “I know. He’s always been big, but he was only eighteen and hadn’t really started working out that much.”

  I imagine this incident has something to do with his schedule of two trips to the gym a day. “Jesus.”

  “And the other guy was fucking huge and high. And he just wouldn’t stop. Luckily, I made it to the phone and called 911, but he spent two full weeks in the hospital. He could have died. The doctors said he should have.”

  “I had no idea. He never told me that.”

  “I think he felt like he failed because he didn’t kill the guy. I don’t know. I was just so grateful he was alive, but it’s been stuck in his psyche all these years. It’s embedded in him to protect me.”

  “And that’s why I need to talk to him. He has to know that I’ll never hurt you.”

  “He has to let me get hurt.”

  I smile. “That’s never going to happen. You know he’s more than a big brother, and I admire the hell out of him.”

  “Don’t you dare tell him that. His ego is big enough already.”

  I smile and pull her into my arms. “Thank God you are way fucking smarter than all of us.”

  She giggles, happy and content in my arms. “Thank God.”

  I fucked up, but I won’t again. Evie and I weren’t right for each other, but I’ll never stop fighting for Morgan and me to make it.

  “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  Jay is standing at his front door, not moving as he stares at me. “With no witnesses around? That’s pretty fucking brave.”

  “I’m feeling bold these days.”

  “I’ll say.”