Under Purple Sheets

by Coco Houston

  At night when Brad goes to work (I want him to go to get him out of the house, so I can pretend Versace is still here with me.), I wander the house for hours calling his name. I keep going out into the garden all night long in the pouring rain, shouting out his name and searching under all the trees, expecting to find him back there. He isn’t and no matter how much I call his name, he never comes. I keep looking for him as I just can’t accept his death that he is no longer here with me because I can still see his little ghost everywhere about the house, about the garden and when I hold him in my arms.

  I crawl about the carpet collecting loose hairs that had fallen from his little coat. I can smell him, feel him, hear him and see him, so why isn’t he here? How can Versace be dead? My son, River, is panicking as I walk about with my nightdress on back to front and inside out, he sadly watches me holding an imaginary dog, which I call Versace. He tells me to stay inside as I am soaking wet with the rain and Versace is in heaven now, not behind the hut or under the trees in the garden. I say nothing. This is one of the saddest days of my life; my life would never ever be the same again. Versace had gone and left me behind. River goes to his bedroom with tears in his eyes. I look down and pretend he is still with me, I can see him; I hold Versace and I show him to Solo and Rio, of course he is still here. Then I put Versace to bed like I do every night. Next, I take Diazepam and this time with no problem at all, I swallow the whole fucking lot.

  15th November

  Brad had stayed with Versace as he was put to sleep. The events surrounding Versace’s death had prompted me to forgive Brad for every single wrongdoing that he had ever done to me. Firstly, because of Brad coming and taking Versace immediately to the vet meant he never suffered needlessly. Secondly, Brad stayed holding him until the end, when I just could not. I would be eternally grateful to him for all this as wee Versace knew and loved him as Daddy. A ‘daddy’s boy’ he was too and for that I was indebted to Brad infinitely.

  I am totally devastated and destroyed on losing Versace. I tell Brad that I forgive him for everything he had done to me in the past with a calmness that is frightening. Versace is coming back home today. His little ashes are returned to me in a little dark wooden box with a little brass plaque, which is engraved with a loving inscription of

  WEE VERSACE

  “Our wee boy”

  Love you.

  He was ‘our wee boy’. He is missed more than words could say. I am lost. Brad is lost. Rio and Solo are lost.

  I cry and cry, shaking and confused as I carry that little box about with me all over the house. It is like holding a tiny coffin, with a tiny wreath of dark purple flowers on top. The dark purple flowers are very appropriate, it is the exact colour of the costume I used to wear when dancing in the purple rain to the song called ‘Purple Rain’ by Prince. The little casket came from the pet crematorium with those little purple flowers; they are for me, from Versace. A small card accompanying them read, ‘For Mummy’. I also receive from the vet a beautiful card with a sachet of forget-me-not seeds to plant, which in spring would grow into flowers. My world is empty. My boy is home. I tell myself Versace is back where he belonged with his mummy and that nobody could ever take him away from me, not ever again. The friends in my head are back and this time just like Versace, but unknown to me, they are also back to stay for good. That night the blackness enveloped me. I start to decline into the darkness of hell. I have no reason to fight it anymore; I want to go now to the Rainbow Bridge. The place above the clouds where you meet your little dogs again. Versace and Cece (who was my other little dog that died some time ago) would be there waiting for me, and we would all cross over the bridge together to go through the gates of heaven. I want to go there tonight, go to the best little friends I ever had.

  “Solo and Rio are going to die too, Coco, leaving you alone behind in an empty world.” The evil voices whisper in my head, “So, Coco! Well, Coco! Don’t stay here then!” I speak back to them, shouting out loud: “I will not be alone, I have Brad Blake.” I try to otherwise convince myself. "He is not your hero. He will let you down. You know this, Coco! All your real little heroes will be dead; that is also where you truly belong, you should be dead too, so in death you can be with them again forever."

  Tonight, I agree with the friends in my head, tonight I know they are speaking the truth to me as I start to yet again sink, sink and keep sinking into the deep darkness of my other world.

  30th November

  A world of nothingness for two weeks, I must just have functioned. I was only interested in Solo and Rio and of course, Versace. I had no idea where Brad was most of the time and I didn’t care. I was aware of the fact though that, he was not around because he never slept here, except for maybe one night and that was on the sofa. In a mist of time River would come and go. It suited me to wander in my fantasy world with nobody around as the little wooden box containing Versace’s ashes became Versace once again. As I told you all once before a long time ago, my way of coping with reality is to go into unreality so that is exactly what I did, I stayed there for two weeks, pretending Versace wasn’t dead. I wanted to stay like that in my pretence world longer, but life would not allow me too.

  “Versace, little Versace,” I whisper, “Why did you have to go and leave me? Can you hear me? I just want all of us to go with you!” I just lie staring at the ceiling as my mouth moves, my lips speak, forming all these weird silent words as the flickering candle’s flames make picture on the walls. I don’t see my wolf tonight amidst the shadows, I see formed on the wall an outline of little Versace’s face, no more quiet words as I scream piercingly up at the moon…

  “VERSACE! VERSACE! VERSACE! YOU LEFT ME BEHIND! YOOUUU LLEEFFTT MMMEEE BBBEEEHHHINNNDDDDD! You left me behind!”

  Chapter XI

  Living Without the Enemy

  1st December

  Daylight was inevitable. I sat on the sofa in the lounge, hoping the sun wouldn’t come up. I wanted the world, well Coco’s world, to stay in darkness. I had been up all night sitting in the grimness of the Egyptian blackness while Solo, Rio and Versace in his little casket, all lay sleeping beside me. I don’t know where the hours (or days) went as the time to me seemed to have passed so quickly. An orange, but not blood red dawn arrives. A fact I hate this morning, along everything else about my day ahead, including the obvious that I am still breathing. I prayed so hard last night none of us would wake up but then again I never slept. I cramp, stretching out my arms, I decide I had better get up, let the little dogs out and make some coffee. I am debating with myself; knowing deep down today is the day I have to stop carrying the little box out to the garden, stop putting Versace down on the grass to pee.

  Just at that my fucking waking nightmare just gets even worse, the door opens and in walks Brad Blake, who starts on me immediately for standing holding the little wooden box. The little purple flowers lie on the lounge table in front of me.

  “Are you going fucking nuts, Coco?” he asks me. “I honestly think that you’re going off your head! I swear to fuck I have looked after people in psychiatric units who are less crazy than you are. First the blood dancing for Satan, sex in the graveyard, then this behaviour after Versace’s death. You don’t even care about us, you’re in another world, you haven’t even noticed that I wasn’t around!” he speaks to me like I am four years old.

  “Oh! I did notice you haven’t been around, which was brilliant, because I didn’t want you here anyway!” I speak in a deep voice full of hatred. “Now fuck off back out to wherever it is you have been staying!” I finish quietly. He stands looking at me without uttering a word back. I march past him still carrying the box and shout for Rio and Solo, who follow behind. Brad follows me too, then he stops suddenly at the doorway, he stands stock-still staring in disbelief as when the dogs go out to the garden for the toilet, I now follow them, placing the little box gently down on the grass, saying to it, “Do a wee pee for Mummy, Versace!” He says nothing. He stands continuing to stare b
efore he eventually comes down the steps, walks right past me, heading straight out of the gate. I hear him start up the car to leave. I pick up the little box, whilst holding it tight into me, holding little Versace, I watch his car until the tail lights disappear out the street, out of sight, just as I had always done once upon a time.

  5th December

  I have more time than I thought to live in my world where I keep Versace still alive as Brad stays away a while longer than I had expected. Thank Fuck! Yet speak of the devil, then he is sure to appear, rightly so. He just walks in. Brad Blake is fucking back. Before Brad can say anything to me, I speak first, I ask him to leave again. I tell him to remove all his belongings that are left here as I have no more storage space. He asks me to sit down to talk about all this, explaining he still loves me and he always would. We are a team, if only I would let him help me, then I would be okay. Fucking class!

  “HELP ME, YOU, YOU HELP ME!” I scream at him, “I don’t need any help. What part of all this do you not fucking get? I don’t want you anymore; I don’t want to be with you anymore!” I stand in front of him a few feet away, looking straight into his eyes as I speak to him, using such a serious tone of voice that I can see in his eyes and on his face what can only be described as a look of devastation.

  “Tell me you don’t love me anymore, Coco. I promise you I will go, I promise to never come back!” he says.

  I attempt to walk away from him but he grabs me unexpectedly by my arm, turning me around to face him, “COCO!” he says again, now he has raised his voice louder than mine. I stare at him with tears streaming down my face,

  “JUST GO, BRAD!” is all I say. I have no idea if I still love him or not. I take his hand, gently removing it from me. I pick up the little box, beckoning Rio and Solo, I go upstairs to my bedroom. I get into my bed; I cuddle them all under the quilt with me as Brad packs up the rest of his belongings. He leaves.

  Darkness has fallen by the time I get up. I attend to my little dogs. I shower, take Diazepam, spat them out, and then drank wine, before going back to bed feeling legless and light like I am floating on a magic carpet. Maybe I would see Aladdin in my travels! I laugh sarcastically at me. I am aware of my actions that have taken place today but truthfully, not fully understanding the consequences of the events that followed them, which now confirmed Brad has gone forever.

  6th December

  I expect him to return. Of course he would. Fucking magician he is, disappearing then re-appearing. I wait and wait for Brad today but still he does not come back.

  7th December

  I stop waiting. I damned him to me. He will return. I am not sure now if I want that. Besides I knew that it would come back to me times three. Then remove the Curse Coco. Remove it and be done with him, you stupid, stupid, stupid coward of a witch! Remove the curse. My friends in my head advise. Remove the fucking curse. Perhaps.

  15th December

  Brad has been gone for ten days now, which for me during most of that time has been almost hell. But not at eventide, when night time fell, I sort of felt my spirits come alive in some sort of caliginosity kind of happiness. The house was kept immaculate in the hours of daylight along with my hair, the shallowness and vanity of my flawless tan with impeccable polished nails. I programmed myself to be perfection beyond compare, to keep it unblemished I thought of nothing but to remain matchless and blameless of anything. Look at my pretence, I believed if he made love to me in the snow, as he once did, it wouldn’t melt. I pretended I was like a gallery full of expensive art, just the bastard couldn’t see it, could he? So during the brightness of noon everything shone gloriously. In the evening though, I made a mess of the place, a fucking tornado hit type of mess. I pull all the cushions down and scatter them all over the ground, in addition to turning up the rug and putting ornaments upside down on shelves, I broke things he bought me, flung gifts of clothes and stuff from him all over the wooden floor. I chanted spells; I danced around naked, lighting candles and drinking witches’ homemade wine. I baked witches’ cakes, locked River out of the house, as I remained exemplary in my terrene, I tell myself I am unmarred and unequalled in everything I do. I am sickly happy in dead of the night besides I slept very well in the inferior house. It was just that during the daylight hours, when I missed him the most, I kept everything untainted and untarnished so it was only my soul that you could see was broken. I lay Versace to rest with all the love in the world. I questioned my life.

  I asked myself, is the enemy that I live with in human form or does the enemy lie within me? Am I my own worst enemy? Is Brad my husband in my world? Or is Brad really someone else’s husband playing in my world? Will my future be with Brad Blake? Does he love me or only think he does? Do I still love him? At the start of this book, at the beginning of our relationship, he was my hero, I worshipped beyond human form. Where does he sit on the scale of admiration now? My wolf knows. “OH, right off that fucking pedestal!” I have no answer to any of these questions.

  Will my life ever be the same again without Versace? No.

  Will Versace’s unconditional love always remain with me in memory? Yes.

  These are the only two definite facts I know tonight.

  16th December

  I lay sleeping when Brad Blake returned. I must have been, because I wake up early and confused to find him lying naked in bed beside me. I look at him sleeping, then go down under the quilt and suck him awake. He holds my hair, moaning my name. I think that I had wanted him to fuck me, but I didn’t, I felt nothing. He comes in my mouth, I spit it back out onto him. I feel dirty, it is dirty. Black dirt! Then I gently bite his penis, well actually, I bite it quite hard intentionally. He jumps surprised, gasping at the pain. Fuck him!

  “You hurt me, Coco!” he moans, holding himself with both hands I hope he is bleeding. I get out of the bed smirking, I walk, leaving the strong smell, disgusting rank mess of his sperm behind me like a tub of out of date cottage cheese spilled all over him.

  “Oh! I am so sorry, Brad,” I sneer with a smug look on my face on leaving the room. How dare the bastard just come back into my bed and assume it is all right? Just expect everything go back to the way it was. I am, unfortunately for him, not that fucking desperate or easy for that matter. I still feel indebted to him for staying with Versace, however though I am struggling to honour that debt.

  Later in the day, he takes me to lunch and buys me some chocolates and very expensive perfume, not that it is working but better than appearing in my bed. Brad is kind, funny and very loving; he is sleek, I will give him that, because I am starting to fall for him all over again. NOT! When we go to bed at night, with my permission he makes love to me so slowly, until I come time and time again. He kisses me with so much passion afterwards, yet still I feel myself pulling away; I am scared that is it, I am so scared of how he is making me feel about him yet again. He makes me feel both brumous and peiskos at the same time, but evidently my metanoia for eleutheromania right now is stronger than feelings for him. Facing our demons and challenges is what makes our life interesting and overcoming them is what makes it all worthwhile I acknowledge.

  17th December

  I wake up and go downstairs to find the house as usual left in a mess, but different kind of mess this morning, the atmosphere is soulless. The house empty, Brad has gone yet again. This time he has left his house keys on top of the kitchen table. After we had made love last night, he asked me if I wanted him to come back home to stay. I had pretended not to hear him, so I didn’t have to be the one making that decision. Guess he has made it for me now.

  Where is home for him anyway? With her? In the land that time forgot perhaps? Here with me? I am so glad he has gone.

  The day passes as I wander the house along with the silence. Nobody speaks to me at all day, not a phone call, not even my friends in my head. I do not clean the house today, my jet-black hair is so knotted, and it can easily have been mistaken for a raven in its nest. I sit poised in old Ugg boots worn with cru
shed silk pyjamas, underneath which my body is still all covered in his sperm from last night. I had only cleansed my face, so in comparison I believed that I look like I was related to a rag-n-bone man wearing expensive Christian Dior face cream. You can take the girl out the gypsies’ camp but you can’t take the gypsy out of the girl. It is late in the evening when I realise that I have had nothing to eat or drink since the coffee I had made this morning, which still sat half drunk, freezing cold in a mug on the lounge table. On removing it, I decide to go and make another cup.

  Fuck the coffee! I open a bottle of wine instead, and then reach up to take a tall black glass out of the kitchen cupboard. “This wine is better for me, it’s better than him, better than chocolate, better than anything just now!” I speak out loud to my witch’s broom. I laugh as it answers me, "Yea Coco, you drink the wine, cheers, farewell and so long to Brad Blake!" I laugh again, raising my glass to the broom. This is me; this is me back in my own world of fantasy, with the deep darkness still to come.

  I go out into the garden to sit in the pouring rain, just as I always did, then I change my mind. I come back indoors, going straight upstairs soaking wet to change into my black robes, I had decided out of the blue just to practice some witchcraft instead. I sit wearing my robes in the shadows of my lounge, sit staring at the dancing flames of the fire as my wolf sits patiently behind me, watching from his position on the wall. I look round at all the candles I’d lit to complete my spells with, then with a feeling of hopelessness washing over me, I sigh in sadness. I just get up numb and open another bottle of wine, deciding instead that all the candles are lit for Versace. I lift my glass towards the candles in a toast, I declare, “To you, little Versace! For all the love that you gave me, if you can see me now, then know how much I miss you as you left me behind.”