Look at you askin’ me how I fold my notes! Ever seen Mystic Pizza, Matt? If you haven’t, you should. It’s about a really hot girl and her weird friend and homely sister. The hot girl wants to get the hell outta her small town. She deserves to get out and live a better life. Anyway, she works at a pizza joint, and the fat woman who runs the joint makes the best pizza, but she won’t tell anyone what’s in the pizza. Not even the hot girl. Well, Matt. You probably think I’m the hot girl in this analogy, but guess what? I’m actually the fat woman with the top-secret pizza recipe. And double guess what? My folding is top secret, too.
I HATE HEATHER GOULD! I am so proud, in an older-sister way, that you turned down her offer to drive you to school. She’s in marching band, Matt (which is a very hard thing to get into and very, veeery good for college transcripts), but she doesn’t even play any instruments, she just twirls a baton! But because she’s the baton twirler she’s in the front row, so everyone sees her first at football games, so she thinks she’s the best. And she always talks about marching band, but it’s like, “Heather, you just throw a dumb stick around, you’re not friggin’ Mozart!”
And oh my god . . . she did a video presentation for Ms. Feeno’s Spanish class last year where she played two characters (a Spanish-speaking Robin Leach and a Spanish-speaking Madonna, ’cuz in her video presentation Robin Leach was interviewing Madonna at one of her “mansions” for Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous), and she filmed it in her basement and by her aboveground pool and tried to pass it off as a mansion, not to mention it should be illegal for non-actresses slash baton twirlers who pretend to be in the marching band to play Madonna in ANYTHING! Have some friggin’ respect. You gotta be someone with years of experience and natural chops to take on Madonna. So few of us can pull that off, do you know what I mean? I know you’re fresh outta middle school and stuff, but do you know what I mean? Stay away from Heather Gould! K?
See ya at auditions. And you’ll be so great in the chorus.
Always,
Tara Maureen Murphy
Dear Tara,
I like Mystic Pizza a lot. My mom’s a teacher at another school, but sometimes she takes me out of school so we can play hooky together. We always do cool things like go into Harvard Square or Faneuil Hall. She took me to see Mystic Pizza at that small theater downtown. You know that one?
Leona. Leona is the woman who won’t tell her pizza secrets. And Daisy is the hot girl in the movie.
Chorus would be cool, I guess. But I am going for Danny Zuko.
Hope you’re having a friggin’ great day
(new expression),
Matt Bloom
Dearest Christopher,
Q believe your little neighbor Ben, I mean Matt, is tryin’ out for Danny Zuko? He’s nuts. Freshmen never get leads, Christopher. You haven’t even asked me if I’m nervous for auditions? Hello . . .
xoxo, I guess,
Tara
Hey T-Baby,
What’s Danny Zuko? Yeah, Matty B. is a good kid. Super cool you’re being cool to him. He told me. And I was like, “That’s why she’s my girl.”
Crossing my fingers for you, Tara. Kick ass. And when you’re done with your audition get in your Wagoneer and get on over to my house. Mom’s out of town as usual, so the kitchen counter is all ours.
Love ya,
C.P.C.
Dear Christopher,
What’s Danny Zuko?!!!!!!!
Maybe I’ll come over later. Maybe.
Mwah,
Tara
To Stefanie,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to write you back. As you can imagine, there was a ton of new information in your note, and someone like me, a very, veeery deep and loving person, needs time to process new information, especially when it involves my best friend on earth. That would be you, Stef. Not like you don’t remember, but just a reminder in case.
First let me tell you that I did write a welcome note to that Freshman across-the-street neighbor of Christopher’s. And he seems sweet, young, and a bit naive. He is auditioning for Danny Zuko, and we all know that Freshmen never get lead roles, but he doesn’t seem to care about facts. Anyway, I share this with you because of the FACT that you are my best friend and we have always shared EVERYTHING with each other. Do you know what I mean, Stef?
So you sew! Wowie Zowie a-zing-a-zang-zong. Remember that expression from when we were in second grade and we would walk around the neighborhood after playing kick the can in the SUMMER?
Summer. Ahhh, the season SANDWICHED between spring and fall.
You mentioned me coming to your cottage on Nantucket! Amazing. When? I need dates, as my Month-At-A-Glance is getting very, veeery full.
You have certainly made me wicked curious about the seven weeks that followed your learning-how-to-sew day at Stacey Simon’s oceanfront house. Was that the last time you saw her? Did she wear her famous jean jacket all summer? Did you confront her about always being a bitch to me? I’m sure you confronted her and told her how conceited she is and how she has been so very rude (ARE-YOU-D-E) to your necklace-splitting BFF. That would be ME. Just sayin’.
You said “on island” a ton. Do people on Nantucket use the word THE? ON THE ISLAND. Or is THE more of an OFF ISLAND kinda word?
I did save my old sheets, and I will absolutely think about your offer to sew them into something else.
I have auditions tomorrow and will obviously be booked super solid with my boyfriend (C.P. Caparelli) over the weekend, but call me. Oh wait, are you guys allowed to use your IN TOWN phone or are you still staying “present”?
I love you sew much . . .
Tara
Dear Matt,
See, I remembered your name.
Matt, I was moved to write you this note because I’ve never seen a Freshman boy be so amazin’ on that stage. I love that song—“Dogs in the Yard”—but I never got it until you sang it. The way you interpreted those lyrics . . . I was like, “I wonder what this very young boy wants in life? He seems to have many a story to tell, which is a most rare thing in this town. So he wants to go crazy, he passionately sings, much like dogs do in yards. Does he want to rip off his ‘collar’ and hop the suburban fence? What is it he wants?” See, an audition such as yours makes a tried-and-true super-talent such as me ask the deeper questions. Wow, Matt! Just wow. Kudos to you. And you’re a real good dancer, too, Matt.
I had a vision that you were Danny and I was Sandy. But even if you don’t get the part I will never forget that audition, Matt.
And hey, what was up with you and Joy Bernstein? I, like, saw you guys flirtin’? Do you have a crush on her? Are you sleepin’ with her, Matt? Joy is very calculating, Matt. Just be careful. She thinks ’cuz her hair is long and curly that she’s better than people. And she’s only a Sophomore. Do you like her voice?
Very, veeeeerrrry good job today. Your big sister is very proud.
Be good,
Tara (Maureen Murphy)
Dear Tara,
Thanks a lot. You thinking I was good at auditions means a lot, especially coming from you because you’re Chris’s girlfriend and your opinion means a lot. Also, you were pretty awesome—I mean very good—up there. And your dance was amazing. Was that Irish step?
I just met Joy Bernstein today. We weren’t flirting. Just talking. Her hair is really long and super curly. Kinda like Daisy’s from Mystic Pizza. Um, yeah. I think her voice is amazingly good.
That would be awesome if you were Sandy and I was Danny. Chris’s neighbor and his girlfriend playing the leads in Grease?! Cool!! I guess we’ll find out tomorrow morning.
Good luck!
Your little brother,
Matt (Bloom)
MATT!!!!
OH MY GOD!!! “I’m Joy Rebecca Bernstein, and I hoodwink directors and bamboozle theater systems so I can steal parts that belong to Tara Maureen Murphy!” That conniving
little girl-child is trying to make me look bad. We get it, Joy! You can sing to the back of the theater . . . This just in, hon . . . doesn’t mean the back of the theater is likin’ what they’re hearin’!! Only in this town would directors think louder is better. I’m a friggin’ SENIOR, Matt! I’m Tara Maureen Murphy!! Co-captain of the cheerleaders and a theater star. And you’re tellin’ me I am playing Patty Simcox?!!!? Patty friggin’ Simcox???? She’s like the Heather Gould of characters. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! I hate it here!! I’m way too big for this town.
Oh, and congratulations, Matt. You will be a great Danny Zuko.
Tara
OCTOBER 1991
T-baby,
I’m wicked sorry about last night. My answering machine broke, so I didn’t even know you called. I was just playing street hockey with Tzoug and Dube. And obviously talkin’ about you. But I didn’t hear my phone ringing ’cuz I was outside.
I gotta take a friggin’ Spanish test today, which sucks ball sack. Hola and jugar al tenis can kiss my culo. I wish we could take Canadian instead of Spanish ’cuz at least they have hockey so I could communicate if I moved there.
Oh, Friday night Perroni’s parents are outta town and she’s having a bender. I say we go. We going?
Peace in the Middle East.
You’re the tits.
Love you, baby,
C.P.C.
Chris,
Your answering machine broke?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Oh, I’m soooo sorry to hear that, Chris. I just hate when answering machines break, because then you don’t know that your girlfriend called 30 friggin’ times because she was crying because she was WICKED UPSET ABOUT A TON OF THINGS!!!!!!
I’m so glad you got to play street hockey with Tzoug and Dube. But I’m pretty sure they don’t bake you gooey double-chocolate-chip cookies and grab your crotch at the movies. So maybe, JUST MAYBE, you can start bein’ a little more thoughtful and, oh I don’t know . . . how do you say it in Canadian . . . CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!! Seriously?! It’s 1991, Caparelli! Get a clue!
You don’t even know what’s goin’ on in my life, Christopher. Did you even know that I started wearin’ Trésor? And do you even know WHY I started wearin’ Trésor? NO.
I was at rehearsal yesterday, and as I was twirlin’ my friggin’ Patty Simcox-Gould baton, Joy Rebecca Bernstein danced by, and guess what, Christopher? I got a whiff of her. And double guess what, Christopher? She was WEARIN’ Anaïs Anaïs. MY FRAGRANCE!!!!
That girl has literally taken everything from me. Last year, she had the nerve to get Marianne Paroo in The Music Man (a part that I could literally play in my sleep), and this year, she steals my dream role from me. In what alternate universe is Sandy from Grease a Jewish girl with long, curly hair? How is that even possible, Christopher? And I’m sorry, everyone, but her hair looks like a friggin’ owl’s nest. Like some baby-beaked, big-eyed, neck-turnin’ night bird is gonna peek out any friggin’ minute! Only in this town do people find that kinda hair awesome. My hair is longer than hers when I brush it out!
Speakin’ of brushing out, did you even know that I got a new hairbrush because I threw mine against a cinderblock wall after Joy walked by me smelling of Anaïs Anaïs!??!? No. You didn’t. Lately I feel like you don’t even know me anymore. And that makes me painfully sad. ’Cuz I do love you and we are a Supercouple, but it’s October, C.P.C. The leaves are startin’ to change. The air is gettin’ crisper. Halloween’s around the corner. It’s like time’s flyin’ by. We’re only gonna be Seniors once, Christopher. This is our last autumn together in this town. Do you even get that? Do you?
So anyway, now I wear Trésor. No one else better start wearin’ it or I’m gonna be so mad. I will not wear EXCLAMATION, but I guess I like Benetton Colors. That’s not even the point, Christopher!!!!
In three weeks I will be onstage, opening night of Grease! And I will be twirlin’ a goddamn baton as Bernstein plays the part that should have been mine. She has taken so very much from me. She messed with the wrong girl. Are you gonna come to opening night? I mean, you don’t call me, so how am I APPOSED to know? And if you do come, Chris, are you comin’ to support me or your idiot neighbor, Ronald? The hell is that loser’s name? Met? Mort?
I hate this town right now. I’ve done so much for this place, and this is the thanks I get?! Don’t even talk to me about Stef! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Okay. Deep breath.
Put this note up to your nose, Christopher. I spritzed it with my new perfume ’cuz with you not callin’ me last night I figured how the heck do I know when I’ll see you again, so I wanted to share, as proper girlfriends do, what I smell like these October days.
Hope you get your “answering machine” fixed!
Hearts and Stars,
Tara
To-est MY BEST FRIEND!
Tara, come on! You have to talk to me. Ever since I told you about my summer on Nantucket you’ve ignored me in the hallways, and I think you tripped me when we were walking out of Ms. Maderos’s class. Maybe you didn’t trip me, but I fell over a foot and it wasn’t my foot, and when I looked up you were kind of smiling. Did you trip me? Oh my god, what is happening with us? This is Senior year, Tara. It’s not supposed to be going like this.
At least talk to me and share your feelings with me. You’ve always shared everything with me, and now you’re like a stranger.
No one will ever replace you. I split one necklace in my whole life, and that was with you.
You know me, Tara! I’m not the girl who goes around ditching my best friend for the popular, pretty girl! You know I’m not like that.
How can we get through this? I miss you. I miss Triple L. I miss us. My life has been so different without you in it. It’s all so . . . I don’t even know what to say.
How are you? How is your world?
Love you Muchly and Moreso,
Stef “Minnie Strone, Tomato, Split Pea Soup” Campbell
Hello Stef,
’Sup? Let me clear the incredibly thick, polluted, storm-cloud-filled air that you and I have been breathin’ since you arrived back on the mainland.
To go forward, let us first go back in time. Care to jump in my DeLorean, Stef?
When I was a little girl, I was in Ms. Bugg’s kindergarten class. You had Ms. Butler, remember? I know kindergarten was a million years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I will never forget the movable wall they had between Bugg’s and Butler’s rooms. We would get wicked excited on that rare occasion they would open the wall. You and I would run as fast as we could into each other’s arms.
I will never forget me punching Jonathan Casey in the ear ’cuz he threw a grape juice box at your head. I still don’t believe I was the one who gave him cauliflower ear ’cuz he was always wrestling with people and, like, every wrestler gets that vegetable-ear thing, but anyway I punched him ’cuz I was defendin’ you. No one messed with you on my Swatch watch, Steffed Animal!
And who can forget Balloon Day? Not this girl!!
Stef, Stacey Simon popped my balloon on Balloon Day, forever destroying my chance at winning the prize. How could I win a gift certificate to Tony Roma’s if my balloon could never fly up into the air, carrying my postcard, and then deflate and land on someone’s yard or driveway or car? And if you can jog your memory you will recall that Stacey Simon won that year, which I still marvel at and find very, veeery interesting slash curious. Really, her balloon won? Or did her rich parents rig the system? They did get a plaque that same year in the library, which leads me and my mom to believe the Simons paid off the school so that bitch could win Balloon Day! I’m certain if I had won and gotten that gift certificate I could’ve taken my mom and dad to Tony Roma’s for a wicked nice dinner and things could’ve been different for them. And that wasn’t the only “balloon” of mine Stacey Simon popped, and you know it!
Our Freshman year ski trip to Killington! We were on the chairlift right behind Stacey Simon,
and right when her lift was about to get to the ski-off she FELL OFF! Really? She fell off the friggin’ chairlift and who came running to her rescue? Robbie the chairlift operator, who just happened to be the hottest guy in Vermont, who just happened to be the one guy on that entire mountain I said I liked!! An entire mountain, Stef! So much terrain with thousands of cute guys and she had to fall for Robbie the chairlift operator? Not to mention she had to know I was afraid of heights and we were left danglin’ in the air for an hour while Princess Stacey got rescued by my Robbie, who just one run earlier said “Awesome Oakleys” to me. The story of her going to the hospital was absolute hogwarsh (as my gramma used to say). You and I both know she hooked up with him just to mess with me even more.
And last but so not least was that time Sophomore year when I was gonna move to New York City. You weren’t in our English class, Stef, but oh man do you know the story as well as I do.
Mr. Donovan kindly told the class that I would be bidding this town farewell for the bright lights of Manhattan, and in front of everyone Stacey Simon had the audacity to say, “That’s so awesome, Tara. What part of the city?” And in my head I was like, “Hmm, who do I currently think is hot that Stacey Simon must want to steal from me and hook up with? Hmmm.” And as you and I both know, those were the first of my Timmy Garabino days, Stef! And he was, drumroll please . . . HOT! Shocker! So I just simply said, “Downtown.” To which she publicly replied, “Cool. Where?” And I was like, duh, you idiot . . . DOWNTOWN! So I said, “Um . . . downtown!” She was like, “The East Side? Lower East Side? The West Village? Tribeca? Wall Street?” Yeah, Stef . . . like I was gonna move to Wall Street so I could be a friggin’ stockbroker. I was like, “West Village.” And she was like, “I love it there. I have family who lives on West 12th Street and 8th Avenue.” I was like, “Well, they’re gonna be my new neighbors ’cuz I’m moving to West 12th Street and 2nd Avenue.” And what did Stacey Simon say? “I think that’s the East Village.” Then she laughed. It was like I was in a hot air balloon flyin’ right over this cruel town and she took her bow and arrow and popped it.
Folded Notes from High School Page 2