Everything makes sense when you grow up, Matthew. Like now, the thought of someone like me dating someone like Timmy Garabino is absolutely absurd. I mean, Timmy compared to Christopher? Fool’s gold. Hilarious. There is no comparison.
And while Christopher is a very good guy (and I find him beyond attractive), I’m gonna tell you somethin’, Matthew, and you gotta promise you will never say anything . . . ready????????? Chris is kinda boring me.
I need someone smart and interesting. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who will have inside jokes with me. Someone I can, like, have my own language with. Do you know anyone in this town like that? And I mean, besides you ’cuz you’re into Joy and it’s not like I like you that way . . . oh my god, I pray you didn’t think that because I would feel so embarrassed for you for thinkin’ that. I DO NOT LIKE YOU. YOU ARE A FRESHMAN and NOT MY TYPE AT ALL. So please, if you were hopin’ I had a crush on you, get that out of your head, Matthew. The thought of kissing you makes me Drakkar Noir sick.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you sooner, but let me take this opportunity to address some of your questions about the love of your life, Joy Rebecca Bernstein.
Well, first of all, have you ever had sex? Are you a virgin? What bases have you gone to? I need hard information in order to be the best big sister possible. What kind of kisser are you? Aggressive or passionate?
And NO, YOU CANNOT TAKE JOY TO CAMEL LOT! How dare you even suggest that. Camel Lot became my secret place after that day at the reservoir. And I will gladly write out directions to that place for you! Just remember . . . never call it “the rez.” Only low-class people say that, Matthew.
Write me back ASAP.
Oh, and I’ve calmed Christopher down. He is not mad at you right now.
Big Sis,
Tara
Dear Tara,
I’m really sorry I suggested asking Joy out at Camel Lot. I will never do that again. My bad. Will you maybe show me it one day? We can lay on a blanket and talk about life and our dreams.
I would say I’m a passionate kisser. I love kissing slowly and then a little faster. You might think this is weird, but girls like to bite on my lips, I guess ’cuz I have big lips. I haven’t done too much, but I’ve felt girls up and dry humped Jill Kablotzky at overnight camp. I am a virgin, but don’t tell anyone ’cuz it’s kinda embarrassing. But if I ask Joy out and she says yes, I think I will lose my virginity with her.
I didn’t think you had a crush on me. That would be crazy anyway ’cuz you’re going out with Chris and he’s my neighbor.
Anyway. See you at rehearsal later, and THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY!!
Your Bro,
Matthew
Matthew,
So you’ve felt girls up? I’m assuming that you’ve done so over the shirt, correct? So basically in reality you’ve never felt breasts before. I have very, verrrrry big breasts so it takes some big hands to cup mine. Do you have big hands? I’ve never looked at them. Do you even have hands, Matthew? I guess I’ve never really looked at you like looked at you looked at you, you know what I mean?
It’s not embarrassin’ that you’re a virgin. It’s kinda sweet. I really suggest you lose your virginity to someone who cares deeply about you. Someone you can trust. Someone who loves you. You deserve to be loved. Do you know that?
I lost my virginity to Kev Brandolini. He didn’t even go to South High. He went to boarding school, but he was from here. I was a Freshman (seems like light years ago), and Kev was home for Christmas break. I was with my mom, pickin’ up last-minute ornaments at the Christmas Tree Shop. It was sooooooooooo cold outside. You know how winter can be. I could smell hot cocoa in the air, and wanna know why? Because Kev Brandolini was drinkin’ hot cocoa, and he was standin’ right next to me. He was there pickin’ up tinsel for one of his Christmas trees. His family lives up by Faffard Lane. You know those mansions? They have horses, too. And they have tons of Christmas trees. Imagine that. Bein’ so rich you have tons of Christmas trees. His house was so pretty. All those twinklin’ lights. Anyway, Kev was there, and he was so hot and tall. He had one of those preppy haircuts where it’s, like, longer on the top and shaved around the sides and back. He was wearing a baseball hat, but his long hair in the front was sticking out. And he said, “You’re Tara Murphy, right?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he was like, “I saw you in the newspaper for cheerleading.”
The squad had just come back from Nashville, where we came in second at Nationals. And there was a huge picture of us on the front page. Kev asked me if I liked Christmas and I told him that I lived for Christmas, and he asked me if I wanted to see all their trees and I said YES. Kev picked me up that night. Oh my god, Matthew, he drove the coolest jeep ever!!
So, he took me to his mansion and the trees were gorgeous. And Kev showed me his room, and it had tons of trophies from lacrosse, and he asked me if he could kiss me. And I was tremblin’, but I let him. And we sort of hung out for the rest of Christmas break and ended up having sex in the horse stables. And then, like a flash, Kev Brandolini was gone, back to boarding school. Like he just sorta disappeared. He never called me after that, and now he’s in college somewhere, but I will never forget him.
To be loved has gotta be the most incredible feelin’ in the world. Real love. True love. I don’t know that I’ve ever been loved like REALLY LOVED. Have you? Did Jill Kablotzky LOVE you? Or any of the other girls you’ve hooked up with?
Don’t get me wrong, Christopher Caparelli and I are one of the greatest Supercouples this town has ever seen, but somethin’ is missin’. I long for the day when I feel so in love that my heart bursts like a firework on the Fourth of July.
Hang on a sec. I’m gonna brush my hair with my new brush. My hair is so long right now I’m like Rapunzel and Madison from Splash. Eek Eek Eek Eek. Hang on.
Ok. I brushed it. I think it grew an inch since we started Grease rehearsals. Q even believe that?
Do you like when I spray my bangs up or when I curl them over my forehead?
Anyway, Matt (I actually like callin’ you Matt sometimes ’cuz it takes less time to say than Matthew. Don’t get me wrong, Matthew is a much more proper name, but Matt is just quicker and I don’t always or usually have a ton of time to reference you ’cuz I’m a Senior and have tons of obligations socially and academically and extracurricularly). But as I was sayin’, Matt . . . is Joy a Kev Brandolini? Like, is she gonna make love to you and then skip town? You know what I mean?
Think about it. I know you’re a bright young kid, so I have no doubt you will make the smartest CHOICE. It’s no joke bein’ in high school. I mean, yeah, in middle school you could mess around and be stupid, but this is real life now. Every move we make is important.
I’m gonna leave you with this, Kiddo. Season. Reason. Lifetime. Those words seem very simple at first blush, but go deeper. People are in our lives for a season. A reason. Or a lifetime.
What’s Joy, Matt? Once you know the answer to that, you will know whether or not you should ask her to be your girlfriend.
Alright, Pipsqueak. I gotta brush my hair some more ’cuz it is sooooooo verrrry long and cumbersome if I don’t brush the crap outta it. And yes, Matt—Thank God It Is Friday. I have a party to attend this evening at Nikki Perroni’s home. She is pretty cool but has been known to be a klepto at many stores. Word is she switches tags out so she, like, buys stuff but for much cheaper than it usually is. I don’t even want to go to this stupid party, but Christopher does so I will.
Take the weekend to think things over. Season. Reason. Lifetime. And write me first thing Monday mornin’. You can always slip notes in my locker if you fold ’em tight enough.
Be good, you,
Tara Maureen
To-est Cream of Mushroom (new one!)—
Oh my dearest sister slash soul mate slash sometimes-daughter (when I protect you like a mama bear)—I just adore you, you BB
Minkey. No one else has created a language like we have. Minkey instead of Monkey. Q even instead of Can You Even. SOOF (swear on our friendship), SOML (swear on my life), BB instead of Baby, BB Minkey instead of Baby Monkey, and the list goes on and on, My Girl of Girls.
Miss Trésor (tee-hee, tee-hee)—that brought a smile to my face. It is kinda funny just the absurdness of it all. Ahhhhh, LIFE!!
You know, Stef, things are kinda lookin’ up. New day, new chance at finding happiness in a town not very known for happiness.
I think, for now, we will just put a pin in the Balloon Day events. Maybe it wasn’t Stacey Simon after all. And who even cares, right? Look, whoever popped that balloon has some serious “Karma (Chameleon)” on their hands, but that’s their story, not ours. And as for the ski trip . . . water under the Bourne Bridge. And I have a vague memory of Dougie Fitz that day in Mr. Donovan’s class (who can forget a pig person blowing a boogie on an innocent girl’s back?!). Anyway . . . all that nonsense is wicked in the past, as we are college bound. I am X’ing out days in my Month-At-A-Glance. NYU, here I come!! I mean, I of course want to get in everywhere else, but is there really any other place like NYU for me? I’ll answer that. No!!
So, Stacey Simon wants to hang out the three of us? Wow. What has she said? How many times has she asked? Gotta say, I’m impressed. She knows that the only way to properly know you is to know your best friend. That’s cool. Good for her. You know what, cutes . . . okay!! I would like nothin’ more than to put history in the books. We are all Seniors, and that’s sayin’ a lot. So, yeah, Stef. Yeah. Let’s hang out with Stacey Simon.
But first, I thought you should know I pulled my hearts-and-stars sheets from the attic, and they are waiting for us to make our matching pock-a-books. I even told Christopher that I have to blow off Nikki Perroni’s party tonight (you were probably goin’ too, but who cares, right?) to hang out with my best friend. Wanna just skip the party and hang out in my room and . . . sew? That way, come Monday, we will have our matchin’ pock-a-books? And besides, we need just us time! Bring your Month-At-A-Glance so we can calendar a proper time with Stace. Does feel like a very powerful trio: me, you, and Stacey Simon. Senior year is full of surprises!
So? What do ya say?
All my love . . .
T-Murphs, Tmurphette, Tara Maureen
To-est Tar—
Yes! Consider the party blown off! I am coming to your house, sewing machine in hand. Will need your help unloading it from my trunk but can’t wait.
Want to order Chinese? Oh, and I will definitely bring my calendar. I told Stacey we are going to all hang out, and she is thrilled!
So thankful we have cleared that “polluted, storm-cloud-filled air.”
Love you, BB Minkey,
Muchly and Moreso,
Stef
To-est Soup!!
I have been gettin’ so many compliments on my pock-a-book. People are like, “Where did you buy that—it’s so cool and different!” I’m like, “Me and Stef Campbell sewed them,” and everyone freaks out.
I knew walkin’ into school this morning with matchin’ pock-a-books would get everyone talkin’. You, the other half of me, are a genius! My famous hearts-and-stars sheets live on! Has Stacey seen yours yet? Tell me what she says . . . oh, and tell me if she is okay for our the-three-of-us-hang-out to be the weekend after Grease has its final curtain (must say I will kinda miss it but also not ’cuz I wasn’t Sandy but the theater is my home base, so until the Winter Play I will be a little lost in the woods).
I thought a wicked ton about your “who-to-date” list, and I think you’re right, you should definitely go for Diego Conoso. First of all, he is so hot. And such a good soccer player, and he doesn’t have a tail anymore, and he’s best friends with Justin, so I just totally picture our stretch limo for Prom bein’ me and Christopher, you and Diego, Stacey and Justin, and Tzoug and Dube, maybe. Who knows, but a girl can dream, right?
Triple L,
Tar
Tar,
I know . . . Diego, right? I even thought he was so cute with his tail. Fingers crossed!
Stacey is great with the weekend after Grease! So excited for us all to hang out. She loves our hearts-and-stars purses. Her words: “Whimsical and really well sewn.” Not bad, huh?
Triple L,
BB Minkey
Dear Tara,
I hope you had an awesome weekend! Was that party fun on Friday night? I didn’t do much Friday night. Just went to get pizza with my parents and then went to Premiere Video and rented Pump Up the Volume. It was awesome. Have you seen that movie? I bet you’d like it a lot.
Then Saturday I got together with Joy. We went to the mall and walked around and practiced our lines. You know the fountain there, the one across from Jack’s Joke Shop? Well, we ended up sitting there for a while, and I just went for it. I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She told me that she was really touched and that she would think about it. She said that she really likes me a lot but doesn’t want anything to get in the way of us doing our best jobs in Grease. She went to Stagedoor Manor (that famous acting camp in Lochsheldrake, New York), and she learned there that the top performers are super focused and make sure that their first priority is the work. I get it.
She said we could still hook up and that after the musical is over she will give me an answer and that likely it will be a yes.
The reason I asked her out is because I thought about Season, Reason, Lifetime, and I have a feeling Joy will be Lifetime.
I’ve never been in love. I think I could be with Joy, but I don’t even know what REAL LOVE would feel like. Like, how would I know if I was in REAL LOVE?
Because it’s you, I can tell you that I was kinda sad that Joy said she had to think about it, but it’s cool, I guess. Opening night is only a week and a half away, so it’s not that long to wait.
I can’t wait to see you at rehearsal later. Is that weird?
Matt
Dearest Matt,
Of course it’s not weird that you’re excited to see me later. We’re very, veeeery close friends now, and that’s what happens when you are close with someone. You get an excited feelin’ when you think about ’em.
What’s the opposite of joy, Matt? Pain. That’s what Joy should have been named. She was named wrong, Matt! Shame on her parents.
How dare she tell you that she will get back to you. You put yourself on the line. You opened your heart. That bitch had the audacity to trash your heart that way? Oh my god, I am soooo friggin’ mad right now. That devious little woman. Stealin’ my lead parts, my perfume, and now breaking my kid brother’s heart. Who in the hell does this lady think she is? I mean, seriously, Matt. And we all know that bitch went to Stagedoor Manor in Lochsheldrake, New York. She is such a bragger. Talk about conceited. Oh my god, that one could write a book called Conceited: The Story of a Girl Who Thinks She Is the Greatest Thing in This Town Because Her Hair Is Curly and Long and She Can Sing Awesome. How come everyone falls for her hogwarsh? I see right thru her, Matt. Always have. Little Joy Becky Bern girl thinks she can just walk around my town and my hallways breakin’ hearts and stealin’ parts.
Take the perfume back, Matt. I’m serious. Ask her for the bottle of Anaïs Anaïs back. She doesn’t deserve it. And if she’s smart she will hand it over without a second thought. I am so sorry, sweetheart. You are too good for Joy.
You know what? I’d like to take you to Camel Lot tonight. I’m gonna have to blindfold you on the way there, but once we arrive I will take it off. You know what? I won’t even blindfold you. You can know how to get there because I TRUST YOU. I KNOW YOU WILL NEVER BETRAY ME.
I’m gonna pick you up tonight at 8. Walk down to the bottom of your street. I can’t pick you up at your house ’cuz what if Christopher saw? It would just be too confusin’ for someone like him. He’s not the brightest candle on the Carvel cake, if you know wha
t I mean. Do you know what I mean, Cookie Puss?
Camel Lot. Me. You. Tonight.
GET THAT Anaïs Anaïs BACK FROM JOY ASAP.
4-Eva and a Day,
Tara
Dear My Matt,
If you are readin’ this folded note, that means you got the vanilla envelope I left in your dressin’ room. Enclosed in the envelope you should find this note (durrrrr, you’re readin’ it, so obviously you found it) and a mix-tape entitled Songs from Camel Lot, Volume One, October. I’m wicked proud of the mix I made you, Matt. But I’ll get to that in a sec.
It’s opening night, Matt!!!!!! This is your star turn, and don’t you forget it. I am very, veeeery proud of you. You walked into this high school two months ago and you said, “South High, here I AM!!!” I admire that. Most Freshmen would never have even tried for a lead role, but you did. You did, Matt. ’Cuz you’re special. You’re not like the other guys in theater, and you’re not like the other guys in this school. Come to think of it, Matt, you’re not like anyone else in our town. Are you an alien, Young Man? J to the k.
I still dream of playin’ Sandy, but I gotta be honest, Patty Simcox has kinda grown on me. Or I on her. I sorta understand Patty. The girl on the outside lookin’ in.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, there is soooooooooo much to say.
I know we pinky swore not to write each other notes after that night at Camel Lot, but I couldn’t help it, Matt. I just couldn’t. Do you have a safe? I do. If you don’t have a safe, get one, and then you can put all my notes in it and I will of course put all your notes to me in my safe. I thought of that last night, and I was like, “Tara, you idiot. You and Matt can write notes, you jerk, you just have to make sure they can never get into anyone else’s hands.” This dumb town, as we know, can be a very tricky place.
Folded Notes from High School Page 4