Christopher freaked out, Matt!! We were collecting them as fast as we could, but Chris was just faster than me, and it was like a friggin’ popcorn trail that led right to your garbage cans. He freaked out!! And he was so confused and I was so confused and he was just like, “Where the hell did these come from?” He was getting so mad at me, Matt, and what was I supposed to do? We just got back together and everything has been goin’ so good, so . . . I just had to tell him . . . I had to tell him that you must’ve seen Kathy’s car there one night or somethin’ and you must’ve, like, taken pictures of them.
I didn’t know what else to say, Matt. This was all so unexpected! I thought you destroyed that envelope!!! Oh my god! Christopher is really pissed and I’m worried . . . what else could I have done in that moment?
Oh my god and it’s opening night! How did this happen?
Tara
Dear Clara, I mean Sara, Mara, Farrah, Dara, Yara, Lara . . . shit . . . what on planet earth is your name? Maybe it starts with a T. Yeah, that’s it. Is it Tina? Tanya? Tammy? Oh I just remembered . . . Tara.
What else could you have done in that moment? Oh, I don’t friggin’ know! Maybe tell the goddamned truth for once in your SENIOR life.
I can’t wait until you get out of South High and out of this town!! Maybe then I can finally experience high school without feeling nauseous all the time. Maybe with you nowhere near this Mass Pike exit I can finally have the peaceful life I’ve so desperately wanted. You are a life-destroyer, Sara. T . . . T . . . rhymes with Sara, but it’s . . . oh right . . . it’s Tara. (My goodness, you have a wicked complicated name now, dontcha?!!)
You told Chris I must have taken the photos of him and that animal Kathy Connery?? Who are you? What are you? Because you can’t be a human being. You just can’t be. Will you stop at nothing to save your own ass? I can answer that: YES. YOU WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO SAVE YOUR OWN ASS.
To rewind the VHS tape, TARA, here’s how shit went down. I heard that Kathy Connery started a rumor that you and I banged on my paisley tux jacket when we were outside the after-Prom party. So she must have been spying on us, right? She must have eavesdropped on me lovingly telling you to be careful and cautious with Chris this time around. She must have heard me say to you, “Tara . . . I know you want to accept his apology, but he still hasn’t admitted that he had an affair with Kathy.” She took that and was able to weave a rumor out of it. Just enough truth for an evil person like that to build a flat-out rumor. My bet is she wasn’t gonna do anything this disgusting until YOU got in a fight with her after YOU lied your friggin’ face off to MY GOOD FRIEND Stacey Simon! But once you gave that Kathy Connery cauliflower ear, my guess is she started thinking, “How can I get Tara back? How can I seek revenge on Tara Maureen Murphy?” What does she care if she drags me down with you? She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t give a rat’s ass if my reputation sinks to the bottom of the REZ so long as YOURS goes down, too! And what the hell does Kathy Connery have to lose? Chris got bored with her and went back to you. Then you pretty much ruined her ear for the rest of her life. Someone like that has NOTHING TO LOSE. So, what does a spying eavesdropper who works at Coconuts and has zero to lose do? She goes into Fanny Farmer Candy Shop with a bunch of other derelicts and starts a blatant rumor that you and I were banging on my friggin’ paisley tux jacket. What better way to get Chris all riled up again, huh? Thing Kathy Connery didn’t count on was my SPY. Don’t ever discount a lifelong friend who owes you one. That’s a good tip for you goin’ into your Freshman year, Tara. Oh, and when you get to college, don’t go around trying to break friends up with lies, k? It’s trite.
I’m almost a Sophomore, Tara Maureen, so guess what? I ain’t takin’ nobody’s shit no more! Ya heard? I’m not the naive, sweet, innocent kid who walked into South High in September of 1991. Nah, I ain’t that kid no more. I am a STAR! And guess what? I look like Keanu Motha-Fuckin’ Reeves! I got long hair that I blow out of my face and all the girls love it! Especially Joy Rebecca Bernstein!! As someone said recently, “It’s like havin’ Julia Roberts and Keanu Reeves at our school!” Don’t they know it! It’s 1992, Tara. No one is spreading lies about me and getting away with it.
So I had some copies made. And you’re right, I did say I would get rid of your stupid envelope, but I didn’t because I forgot. I have a busy, busy, busy life too, and unlike you, I don’t have a Month-At-A-Glance, so unfortunately I couldn’t calendar “destroying Tara’s pictures of Chris and Kathy hooking up.” By the way, the days on your calendar can’t get X’ed out fast enough!
I had the copies made, and man, was I mad. I was so mad I actually considered papering the town with those pictures. Ya know, the thing you were gonna do. But I took a breath, grabbed my Walkman, and went for a long walk, and guess where I ended up, Tara? At Camel Lot.
I sat there for a while, remembering every single moment of this entire year, and then I looked around and saw a sign. I walked up to it. It was a metal sign with a cute little camel on it. And under the cute little camel it said the word “Lot.” Camel Lot.
I walked around the rest of the elementary school parking lot and saw a metal sign with an adorable penguin and the word “Lot” underneath that. Penguin Lot.
I saw a metal sign with a super sweet-looking elephant and guess what was underneath that elephant? The word “Lot.”
Camel Lot is just the name of that part of the elementary school parking lot. And here I thought it was some interesting reference to the Kennedy family. The good news is that I do not need you to take me to Camel Lot so you can tell me why you named it that. ’Cuz guess what, Babe . . . you didn’t name it that. It’s just NAMED THAT!
When I figured all that out I just laughed. I laughed my ass off. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. My adrenaline slowed down and I thought, “You know what, Matt . . . you don’t need to ruin anyone’s life. You don’t need to play dirty with dirty people. You are better than that.” And I am. I am way better than that!
So I fast-forwarded the mix I was listening to and put on “Home Sweet Home” and I ran home. Fast. Fast, like someone in a movie who has figured it all out.
And by this time it was pretty dark out. I got the huge box of copies and I dumped them in my garbage cans. I thought that would be the end of things. And I was ready to just confront Kathy Connery gashed face to cauliflowered-ear face and tell her to stop spreading her bullshit. But you know what I forgot about, Tara? The winds at night. Like you said, it’s been cold and windy at night, which is, in fact, so bizarre for June in New England. But Mother Nature has her way now, doesn’t she? I guess she had a little meditative think, too, and she chose to blow my garbage cans down and scatter thousands of copies all over my street and Chris’s driveway. Who woulda thunk?
Good luck tonight, Tara! It is, in fact, your last opening night.
And best of luck to you in all your future endeavors. K? Ya know? Do you know what I mean? DYKWIM?
Matt Bloom 1992
P.S. Oh my god, I almost forgot to tell you. Before I wrote this note I told Chris everything. He now knows that you are the one who sneaked into his backyard, climbed a grill, and snapped those photos. He’s wicked pissed. So . . . just a heads-up!!!!!!
Hiiiii Matt!!!
Oh my god, opening night was so good!! You were amazin’, and I especially loved the last-minute twist you put on Tony. I’ve never even considered him bein’ played like he hates Maria, but that was definitely unique and clever. Not that I’d expect anything less from someone of your caliber!
Did you like my after-show outfit? I’m gonna assume you loved it even though you didn’t say anything about it or anything at all. But we were both swarmed with people after the show, so I know there wasn’t much time to chitchat. I was like, “Tara, go find Matt to talk about how awesome the show was!” But there were just too many folks to give time to, ya know?
So odd that both Stef and C
hristopher didn’t show up. I’m sure they’re coming tonight. Or maybe they will just wait for closing night, as everyone knows that’s the best performance of the run. And the energy of closing night (especially closing night of the Spring Musical, especially it being MY final show at South High) is gonna be off the charts!!
Your note to me was so sweet. I’m not bein’ condescending ’cuz I’m sure you thought it was tough-guy-ish, but I thought it was so sweet. Just how you’ve grown up a bit. That note was really a sign of you attempting to find your voice, and Matt . . . I definitely think you are more than ready to be a Sophomore.
And look at you bein’ a private investigator and crackin’ the case of Camel Lot. Sometimes (and remember this as you head into your Sophomore year) the answer to what you think is impossible to figure out is often actually right in front of your nose, hidin’ in plain sight.
After closing night wanna get in my Wagoneer and head over to Camel Lot one last time? Even though you know why it’s called that I might just have another surprise for you. It’s nothin’ major, just a show gift of sorts. So? What say you, Young-but-More-Mature Man?
And by the way, both Joy and Stacey were spot-on, Matt. The cut on your face does add a certain somethin’. Who woulda thunk it?
Be good, You,
Tara Maureen Murphy
P.S. Was that a prop ring on Joy’s finger? It looked like a claddagh ring, but it wasn’t, was it? Not that I care.
The South High correspondence ends there. But a recently uncovered envelope postmarked September of 1992 from Tara Maureen Murphy at Boston College suggests there’s more to the story than we may ever know.
Acknowledgments
So grateful to Sara Crowe at Pippin Properties you are an agent like no other and you reignited my faith at every turn. I am “heartened” that I get to do all of this with you.
Where my New York State Thruway Rest-Stop crew at? Jordan Galland, what a great call to get a coffee en route to the Catskills. Your friendship, the Gramercy walk/talk, your generosity—without you there is no this. Jessica K. Almon—the dream-maker, my creative partner. Thank you for giving me the shot. I debut because of you. Thank you for taking the torch, Marissa Grossman—no one else I would rather cross the finish line with. Katherine Quinn—you were the missing piece to the puzzle—thank you for joining our team. And to the guy who made me feel like Charlie Bucket—Ben Schrank, thank you for everything. To everyone at Razorbill and Penguin, this has been a dream come true!
David Krintzman—you have been by my side and had my back from the very beginning. Your friendship, counsel and belief in me has meant more than you know. And to everyone at Morris Yorn, especially Ashley Nissenberg and Kristi Eddington—thank you for everything.
Michelle (Meesh) Pollack—for carrying my dream when I couldn’t and reminding me always it was possible—I pull up my bootstraps because of you (and then place m’boots neatly where they belong. . . because of you.)
My gorgeousess—Evvy Delilah and River Gracie—you are the constellation I looked for my entire life. “When you’re standing next to me somewhere else I feel like I’m at home!”
David Boren—I pitch to you and send you pages because if my big brother likes it and laughs, I feel like I can do anything.
Lisa, Ben, Jonah and Eli Boren—you have given me the greatest gift in the world—a safe stage to try out all of my material . . . EVEN!
And to my Mom(my) and Dad—Here we are.
Endless thanks for your check-ins, words of wisdom, early eyes, love and support throughout this journey—David Castagnetti, Joy Cohen, Josh Stelzer, Chloe Jo Davis, Phil Eisen, Ginger Sherak, Mike, Po, Sam and Zach Boren, Kevin Simms, Jennifer Posner, Rebecca Budig, Justin Warfield, Vicki Davis, Paul Ellis, Jess Pollack, Aaron Hitchcock, Brett and Libby Hansen, Jessica Golden, Jonathan Texera, Kathy Rivkin, Emily Alexander, Lori Price, Matt Silverberg, Melissa Steinitz, Jordana Arkin, Adam Shapiro, Sabrina Eisenstadt, Justin Shilton, Joanne and Bill Pollack, Estee Stanley, Sharon Lee, Austin Winsberg, Erica Baritz, Jonas Vail, Stacey Price, Justin Leigh, Meredith Salenger, Gwynne Pine.
To Kerry Foster and Elizabeth Dutton for knowing.
Forever gratitude to Kelly Ripa—you made this vision board complete.
To every dreamer, it is possible. To every kid who is different, thinks you’re different, is told you’re different—you’re in good company. Harness positively that which makes you unique, create new paths for those behind you and know you are not alone. . . no one is.
Matt Boren has written over eighty-five episodes of television for Melissa and Joey, See Dad Run, and Sofia the First, among others. Boren has acted in many projects in both film and television, including nine seasons as Stuart on How I Met Your Mother. He lives in Los Angeles, California, with his family. Folded Notes from High School is his first novel. Follow him on Twitter @Borentown.
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Folded Notes from High School Page 16