Falling Down

by Selena Kitt

  That made her sob harder, and the puppy whimpered in sympathy, getting back to work on licking up the salt on her cheeks. The more she thought about those last moments with him, the harder she cried, but she couldn’t seem to stop. The memory was too fresh for her to cut it off—just hours old, the apartment still lingering with his presence, his duffle packed, his uniform blinding white perfection over his muscled frame as he stood at the door, arms around her, both of them silent, the only sound Argyle clamoring at their heels.

  “I can drive you,” she said again, but he shook his head.

  “Nate’s my ride. Besides, I don’t want to remember you waving goodbye at the airport. And I don’t want you to have to drive home.”

  She’d proudly made it that far without tears, but they broke in a flood then, her chin quivering with their force. “I’d be a basket-case.”

  “I know.”

  The knock at the door startled them both. Zach swore under his breath, pulling her into him and kissing her, the memory of their marathon bedroom session over the weekend still fresh for them both. But she wasn’t thinking about how incredibly good their sex was—and it was—instead, it was all about loving him, and the hole in her heart he would be leaving when he walked out the door. She gave all of herself to him in that kiss, willing herself not to think about the possibility that it might be their last and yet acting as if it just might be.

  It was the tears in his eyes as they parted that undid her entirely as he whispered, “I love you.” She didn’t even have the voice to return the words as he picked up his duffle and opened the door, going out quickly without a look back. Argyle yapped at the door after him, until Lindsey collapsed onto the floor, her whole body shaking with her sobs. Then the little black puppy joined the competition and whined and howled right along with her, and she didn’t know who was louder.

  She’d made it to the bed, she remembered. She wanted to be as close as possible to the last place they’d been happy together, aware of what was coming, but pushing it off as long as possible. And now…

  Now life had to go on without him. She fingered the ring on a chain around her neck—the grocery store ring, which had, indeed, turned her finger green within twenty-four hours. She’d found a chain for it instead, and wouldn’t take it off.

  How could she possibly manage her life without Zach? She closed her eyes against the thought. She didn’t know how, exactly, she was going to do it, but there was work, and school, and there was Argyle to take care of. She hugged him close, glad for the warmth and comfort, knowing he needed her as much as she needed him.

  —

  After that first week of not eating, forcing herself out of bed, going through the motions, things started to fall into a routine she could live with. It went on that way for a month, at least, work, school, she and Argyle curled up on the couch, sharing Moo Goo Gai Pan out of the carton. She couldn’t imagine that Puppy Chow was anywhere near the complete nutrition they claimed. And there was a phone call from Zach—just one—before they went under, he said. After that, there would be no contact at all until he was ready to come home.

  That, actually, set her back another week, the sound of his voice, the sharp pain in her chest that immediately returned from its usual dull ache. But it was beyond good to talk to him, to whisper what she wanted to do to him—she could hear him squirming, and wondered afterward if their call was monitored, and laughed at the thought. She let Argyle lick the phone and bark at it to say hello, and she told him about her teachers, her classes, how Nate had followed Zach’s instructions quite seriously and was “keeping an eye on her,” stopping by once a week to check in.

  She almost didn’t tell him about her mother—she’d started calling every so often, leaving messages on Zach’s answering machine. Lindsey’s voice wasn’t on it, but somehow her mother had gotten the number and knew she was living there. She just erased them, but she did break down and tell him about the calls.

  “When you’re ready,” was all he said. She rolled her eyes and changed the subject.

  It was that phone call, really, that pushed her into his closets, going through his things, looking over her shoulder as if he could walk in at any moment. God, she wished he would. She just wanted to find every piece of him she could, and was surprised at the little keepsakes, pictures of his high school graduation—a younger, grinning version of Zach looked at the camera, his arm around a woman who must have been his mother. God, she’d never even met his parents. Hadn’t even asked…

  Who was the little boy in the next photo? Was that Zach? She smiled at his camera-grin. Here was the same little boy playing in the sandbox with a little girl with cornrows. Who was she?

  God, they knew so little about each other, she thought, sifting through a box of photographs, her heart aching with the knowledge. Things had happened so fast. Maybe too fast. A picture of a woman on the beach caught her attention—she was stunning, her skin like fine cocoa against the stark white of her bikini. She was looking over her shoulder at the camera, laughing. Lindsey turned it over and read the back: Alicia, the Keys, 2007. Just a year ago.

  And she remember the name. Of course she did. She could still hear the woman’s voice on the answering machine: “Hey, sexy man, it’s Alicia, I’m in town for a few days, I’d love to get together…”

  Did they? She wondered. The thought stabbed at her heart like a knife and she dropped the photo back into the box as if it were on fire, shoving it back into the closet. Argyle, who had been way too quiet behind her, had found one of Zach’s shoes and was busily chewing the laces.

  “No!” Lindsey reprimanded, snatching it away. “Bad boy!”

  The puppy cowered, whining at her tone. She sighed, picking him up and apologizing with kisses. “Let’s go for a walk, huh?”

  She needed to get out and clear her head.

  —

  Alicia called just after she’d sworn to Argyle that she wasn’t going to snoop anymore. Her mother had just called, and Lindsey was sure it was her again and turned up the volume on the episode of Desperate Housewives she was watching, wanting to drown out the sound. Instead, the voice that came from the machine was much younger, and the called was most definitely not for her.

  “Hi baby, it’s Alicia. Can you give me a call back? You’ve got my cell number, right? I’ll give it to you just in case…”

  Lindsey stared in the direction of the voice, listening to the woman rattle off a phone number. She got up from the sofa in slow motion, going over to the machine and staring at the blinking red light. Her mother’s message was on there—something about getting together and talking. She knew well enough how to erase them. One click would do it.

  But now Alicia’s number was on the machine. Did Zach have it? Probably. Of course, he was nowhere near a phone. And Lindsey knew, if she wrote it down, “just in case,” it would sit like a growing temptation, and she would eventually break down and call it herself. She imagined the conversation that would ensue: so, how do you know Zach? Is that so? How long did you go out?

  She snarled at the machine and stabbed the erase button, pressing it hard until it beeped. “You have no new messages,” the voice said.

  Good. That was better. That, she could live with.

  —

  The treefort looked exactly the same.

  In some strange, convoluted way, it was the piling up of phone calls, from her mother, Zach, Alicia, that pushed her there, as if the world was turning backwards and she was traveling back in time. She wasn’t wearing her shorts—they were locked up in some cabinet as evidence, awaiting the upcoming trial—but she’d found a bag of her old clothes in the closet when she was going through Zach’s things, and a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and a black tube top had completed her transformation.

  She didn’t take Argyle. She didn’t think he could walk so far. Instead, she drove the Camaro and parked it down the street, walking past her mother’s house, trying to ignore the way her belly trembled as she drew nearer. Her stepfa
ther’s car wasn’t there. Neither was her mother’s. The house looked the same, though, the same as it had for years. It was the place she’d grown up, where she had fallen and been picked up by her father, the place she had traveled to the moon and back, until her daddy wasn’t there anymore, and everyone forgot about her after that.

  Her mother had forgotten her. Lindsey stood there, hugging her arms over her chest, thinking about Zach. What would she do if he never came home? How broken must her mother have felt after her husband hadn’t returned from the Gulf War where the causalities were so negligible people didn’t even think of it as a war? She shivered, shaking her head, and started walking again. She didn’t want to think about it.

  Somehow her feet followed themselves to the treefort, and she found herself slipping out of her sandals to climb the rough boards up the side, settling herself in the very center. The height had never made her dizzy before, but it did now, and she didn’t want to be too close to the edge. Not anymore. The day had been warm, but it was cooling toward evening now, the air crisp and clean, the leaves rustling softly around her.

  She had brief flashes of memory—Brian and Ralph and that other kid, what was his name? She couldn’t remember. So different from the night just a few weeks later, when she’d been beaten, raped, and she knew, if things had gone as far as they’d been ratcheting up to, she might have been dead.

  Somehow, up until then, she’d felt like she was the one in control. She liked it rough, she wanted them to use her, she wanted them to… didn’t she? She heard Zach’s voice in her head.

  You were saying no along.

  Was it true? She didn’t know.

  “Hey, look who’s here!”

  She gasped and turned at the sound of the familiar voice, seeing him coming up the makeshift ladder, carrying a brown paper bag. “Ralph!”

  “I haven’t seen you in ages. Where’ve you been hiding?” He leaned back against the railing, getting comfortable and dropping a wink in her direction.

  “Around.” She tried to ignore the hammering of her heart, glancing toward the ladder. “Actually, I’ve got to get going…”

  “Awwww, come on.” He nudged her hip with his tennis shoe. “Stick around. We can have some fun.” Pulling a bottle out of the bag, he uncapped it, taking a long swig of the amber fluid. He offered it to her, but she shook her head.

  “Thanks anyway.” Lindsey edged her way across the platform past him. He didn’t make a move toward her, and she was grateful for that. “I’ll leave you to it.”

  “Suit yourself.” He shrugged as she swung her legs over the side.

  She didn’t answer him, and she willed herself not to hurry as she felt her way down the tree, rung by rung, slow and deliberate. When she reached the bottom, she looked up, and saw him peering over the side at her.

  “Maybe some other time,” he said with a grin.

  “Bye.” She gave him a quick wave, turning and heading down the path. She couldn’t help looking over her shoulder once to see if he was following, but she didn’t see any sign of him, and she hurried faster toward the car.

  —

  “Where have you been?” Lindsey pulled the door open, expecting Nate. He had a habit of coming by on Sunday nights, and they’d started walked to the Dairy Queen on the corner. He always got mint chocolate chip, and Lindsey would get a small bowl of “doggie” ice cream for Argyle—they even put a milk bone in it—but she was much more choosy, changing her flavor choice from week to week. “I’m dying for some Superman…”

  She wasn’t expecting Ralph, and it was a nasty jolt to realize he knew where she lived. He followed me, she thought, as he leaned against the doorway and grinned. She could smell the Jack Daniels on his breath. Had he drunk the whole fifth by himself?

  “What are you doing here?” The door wouldn’t close. He was too far in already, and Lindsey wished Argyle were out of his little cage-house instead of sound asleep, so she’d have an excuse to shut it immediately.

  “I followed you.” Well, at least she’d been right about that. “Nice place.”

  “You can’t be here.” She tried to make her voice firm, resolute.

  “Oh come on.” Ralph’s grin broadened as he stepped past her into the apartment. Her heart dropped as he stood there, looking around for a moment, and then glanced back at her. “You came out to the treefort looking for it, and you know it.”

  Reaching past her, he swung the door closed, stepping close and pressing her against the door’s surface. “I just decided to make a house call.”

  She’d come home that evening after her little trip down memory lane—this really was home now—and had taken a long shower. Then she shoved the cutoffs, all her old clothes, back into the plastic bag, tied it up and wrote “Goodwill” in black Sharpie on the side. She was done with it. There was no going back, and even if the future with Zach was uncertain and more than a little scary, it was much more promising than what she’d put herself and everyone else through in the past.

  “You don’t know anything.” She tried to reach behind her to the doorknob but he caught her wrist, squeezing hard. “Now, please leave.”

  His eyes narrowed. “I know a lot more than you think.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” She couldn’t shake him loose, and now he had her other wrist, both of them pinned behind her back.

  “You know were asking for it that night, too,” he sneered. “Just like every other time. Girls like you are all the same.”

  She repeated her request, struggling to remain calm. “You need to leave.”

  “Not ‘til I get what I came for.” He shoved his thigh between hers, his mouth crushing down, his tongue swirling, making her want to gag, and she did, turning her head, choking. “What happened, baby? You were so hot for it before.”

  “No,” she gasped as he transferred his grip on both of her wrists to one hand, using his other to work his belt buckle. “I said no! Get out!”

  “I know you don’t mean that,” he crooned, rocking the bulge of his cock through his jeans into her crotch as he loosened his belt. “Come on, baby, you suck it so good…”

  “I said GET OUT!” Her voice rose to a scream, and the thought maybe the neighbors might hear—Mrs. Carmen next door, or Don from downstairs—made her even louder. “Help! Rape!”

  “It ain’t rape when I know you want it, baby.” Ralph laughed, cupping the crotch of her jeans in his hand and rubbing hard.

  “Stop it!” She struggled in his grip, but he was leaning against her, too heavy. “Don’t. I said no!” She actually managed to break free for a moment when his hand moved to his jeans, reaching in to free his cock, and she ran straight to the phone, but didn’t quite make it. He tackled her on the sofa, knocking the wind out of her with his weight.

  “Hold fucking still!” he grunted, working the button her jeans. “I know you like it rough, but jeez…”

  “I’m not playing!” Lindsey struggled, and realized, she always struggled, didn’t she? She always said no, didn’t she? Why would he think she meant it this time? “I don’t want to do this!”

  The knock the door made them both startle, and Ralph didn’t think fast enough. His hand came down over her mouth just after she screamed out, “Come in!”

  Nate’s big frame filled the doorway, his eyes taking in the scene. “Need some help, Linds?”

  Ralph stood quickly, buckling his pants, grinning. “We were just having a little fun. Sorry man, I didn’t know she was with you.”

  Nate opened his mouth to say something, but Lindsey cut him off, “He was just leaving.” She pointed to the door, noticing the tremble in her hand. “Right, Ralph?”

  “Right, right.” He edged toward the door, his eyes on the big guy standing there.

  “Let him go, Nate,” Lindsey insisted.

  “Are you sure?” Nate frowned, looking between them. She nodded, and he stepped aside. She’d never seen anyone move quite as quickly as Ralph skittered by him and she heard him clattering d
own the stairs.

  “Are you okay?” Nate shut the door and came to sit beside her. “Can I do anything?”

  She looked up from where she had her head resting in her hands and gave him a weak smile. “I could use a hug.”

  He held out his arms, and she went to them for nothing but comfort, and he gave it to her. Tears stung her eyes but she willing them not to fall. “I want Zach.”

  “I know.” He sighed. “I’m sorry.”

  Argyle barked from his cage, woken by the commotion, and Lindsey stood to go get him. “Let’s go for some ice cream.”

  “You still up for that?” Nate asked, watching her take the puppy out and nuzzle him. He was getting big already.

  “Yeah.” She kissed Argyle on the nose and bent to pick up his leash from the coffee table and hook him up. “I could use a little sweetness right about now.”

  —

  “I’m coming home.”

  The words she’d been waiting to hear. She couldn’t even speak at first, struggling with the closure in her throat, the happy tears. “When?”

  “Two weeks.”

  “Oh thank god.” She sat down on the sofa and Argyle jumped into her lap, barking at the phone like he wanted to talk, too. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  She couldn’t believe it was over. Summer session had ended, and fall was starting again in just a few weeks. It felt like he’d been gone forever, and she felt just like a puppy, her whole body waggling in excitement at the thought of his homecoming.

  “I’ll meet you at the airport,” she insisted, grabbing a pad and pen. “What flight?”

  He told her and she wrote it carefully in big, fat letters, drawing a heart around the magical number.

  “I can’t talk long,” he told her. “We’re stateside now, though, so I can call you.”