Tell Me You Need Me

by Joya Ryan

  If she agrees to a long-distance relationship…

  And that was the “if” he’d been struggling with for the last week. Whether or not he wanted Chloe wasn’t the question—it was the terms he wasn’t sure about. Coming back from S&R missions to a woman and a meal like this was all he wanted. The promise alone would let him face the risk of death without the fear of leaving this earth alone.

  But would Chloe ever really want him for more than the occasional romp in the bedroom? When he’d started this whole thing, he’d been sure all he needed was for her to agree to one date. Then she’d see—they’d both see—how well they fit together.

  He couldn’t lose hope now. Hesitation could make this whole thing fall apart.

  “I’m sure you have a good-intentions-gone-wrong story,” he said.

  She nodded and sipped her wine. “Yeah. When I was younger, maybe ten, I tried to make my mother dinner for her birthday. But I wasn’t allowed to use the stove.”

  “So naturally you found a way around it,” he offered. If Chloe was half as stubborn as a child as she was as an adult, no rules could have kept her from her goal.

  “Naturally,” she agreed with a sly smile. “We had this little electric grill we used for camping, so I figured I could use that. I brought it into the kitchen, plugged it in, and slapped some deli turkey on it.”

  “Oh God,” he said. He had a pretty good idea of the kind of device she was talking about—it was strictly an outdoor grill.

  “Long story short, the turkey burst into flames, the entire top of the grill had fire spitting out, and the smoke alarm went off. My terrified mother ran in and threw baking soda all over it. We were both a mess of white powder and smoke.”

  Gage laughed. “You weren’t hurt though, right?”

  “Just my pride.”

  “I can see that.”

  “Hey.” She tossed a piece of broccoli at him and laughed. “I’m learning.”

  “You are. Dinner was wonderful.”

  “Well, thanks for inviting me over and making me cook for you.”

  “Oh sweetheart, I would never dream of making you do anything. We both know you wanted to.”

  Her emerald eyes snared his and all seriousness laced her face. “True.” She hesitated, glancing at him, then the floor, then him again. She was going to tell him something, and though she was hesitating, he hoped—please God—that she’d go through with it.

  She shrugged. “My mother cooked everything well, but crab cakes were her specialty.”

  He nodded. “You’ve mentioned this. So tell me how you’re going about making them?”

  “Not very well at all. You had me thinking, we made a whole meal with a few ingredients…and the crab cakes are the same. Not much goes in them. The whole process should be simple. I saw my mom do it a thousand times. But I still can’t get them right.”

  He nodded. This was the closest to the real Chloe he’d seen yet, and he loved it. Speaking of love… “It sounds cliché, sweetheart, but your mother cooked with love. You cook with… vengeance.”

  She laughed. “Shut up.”

  He snickered and sighed. “Maybe try to relax. Stop fighting it. Open your heart to letting the dish be what it needs to be, then let it turn out the way it will.”

  “You think it’s that simple?”

  He smiled. “I know it’s that simple. That’s how it is with anything. You can’t force yourself…you can’t force anything to be something other than what it already is. You let it breathe. You accept it. You love it.” He touched her hand. “You do that with these crab cakes, they’ll be everything you remember them being.”

  He let the unspoken words hang between them. They couldn’t force their relationship to be anything other than what it was, either. If only she would treat it with the openness he wanted her to use with the crab cakes.

  Chloe looked at him. “Maybe,” she whispered. Then she stood and walked around to face him. She gently brushed her knee against his. “I had a good time tonight.” She ran a fingertip along his jaw. “Thank you.”

  Just when he thought she’d kiss him…she turned and walked toward the door.

  “Chloe, do you want to—”

  “I should get going.” She opened the front door and glanced back at him. Gage stared as she walked out and quietly shut the door behind her.

  They’d had a date. No sex, like he’d wanted. Even better, she’d opened up to him.

  So why did he feel like he’d lost the very thing he’d come for? And why did dread lace his veins when he thought of how many more moments he could have with her, in and out of bed, if only she’d let him?

  He glanced around the quiet studio. It was empty and cold without Chloe.

  For having a night of everything he wanted, he was starting to feel like it was all slipping through his fingertips.

  Chapter Eight

  Gage paced in his living room and gripped the phone against his ear. He was in Beaufort, training recruits until the next mission came up. He wasn’t banned from going out in the field per se, but he had a commitment to finish the training of these recruits first. A commitment that now fell right in the middle of an unexpected mission.

  “I can go in the field anytime,” he told his boss.

  “I know, but everything’s been covered. You stay and train, and when you’re done, you’ll be on the next mission.”

  Shit. Gage wanted to be out there now. He’d been up last night, listening to the incoming radio transmissions so that he could keep himself from obsessing about Chloe. That was when he’d heard about the group of teenagers missing on the west coast. He’d immediately called his boss, but instead of being sent out himself, he’d been told that the mission didn’t need him.

  The feds had stepped in with their team, a team Gage was normally a part of. Only he wasn’t heading to the west coast. He was in North Carolina, training new recruits instead of rescuing people himself. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust the other people sent out there instead of him. It was simply that he couldn’t live with himself if he discovered those teenagers died out there. He’d never be able to live with himself knowing that if he’d been there, maybe he could have made a difference.

  His chest buzzed with the need to help. To run. To roam.

  Yeah, some of this frustration came from wanting to be a part of this big mission. And some of it came from Chloe. She’d opened up even more to him, and then she’d walked away. Which made him happy and uneasy at the same time. The woman was tricky, but he thought she was warming up to the idea of finally exploring the romantic side of their relationship. Or she was setting him up to knock him on his ass when she walked away for good.

  He mumbled a curse, unable to really think of that, because the possibility stung his chest. Maybe getting out and getting some clarity would be a good thing? Yeah, like going on a fucking mission. If only he could convince his boss.

  “The people in training here are doing well and are pretty set,” Gage said. “I can leave early if you need.”

  His boss was quick to answer. “No, stay there, get those NC recruits all trained.”

  Gage bit his lip. “I can do more. Let me help.”

  “You know as well as I do it’s only a matter of time until someone needs your help,” his boss said. “But the training you’ve done with these guys has shown me you could help a hell of a lot more people if you didn’t run off to do so many of the rescues yourself.”

  Gage’s heart punched his chest. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? You think I’m not the right man to rescue those people?”

  “Calm down. You’re one of the best we have, which is why a lot of higher-ups, including myself, are anxious to put you in a permanent training position.”

  Gage’s stomach sank. “What?”

  “The North Carolina branch could use a man like you to oversee the training program.”

  This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. He couldn’t root himself to Beau
fort and never take a mission. He had to make an impact. How would he live with himself if he heard someone died while he’d stayed behind?

  Hell no.

  “I’m a field man. I don’t mind doing the training here and there, but I’m not going to only train.”

  “There’s more than hitting the field,” his boss said. “You have the level head to deal with these types of situations and delegate the right teams to the right missions, which is essential to search and rescue.”

  How had this conversation turned into trying to keep Gage at a glorified desk job? He wasn’t trying to diminish the work people like East did, and yes, his boss had a hard job, strategizing the best plan and team for certain jobs. Gage could do that…but at what cost? How would he handle hearing about people they lost on missions and never knowing if he would’ve been able to save them?

  “I’m honored you’d think of me,” Gage said. “But that’s not what I am. That’s not who I am. It’s not how I’m built.”

  “Sounds like you’ve made your decision. Keep doing what you’re doing.”

  “Well, let me know what missions come up. I can be there—”

  “I know. But you need to finish training the volunteers,” he said and hung up.

  Gage gritted his teeth as he resisted the urge to throw the phone. He stared at his suitcase in the corner of the room—he’d never even unpacked.

  Who the hell was he to think putting down roots would ever be a good idea?

  His plan was crumbling, and if he didn’t regroup, it would all fall apart.

  “So is this part of your grand plan?” East asked, coming to stand by Gage.

  Gage hovered near the bonfire on East’s property, glancing across it to look at Chloe. After his earlier failed attempt to get his boss to send him on the rescue mission, he’d gratefully accepted East’s offer to join him and his many other friends for a barbeque. If he couldn’t be out on a rescue mission, he’d focus on the mission he’d come here to finish. Because truth was, Chloe hadn’t reached out to him since their date the other night.

  Something in his heart had shifted that night. When he thought about the situation he’d put them both in, he had a hard time breathing. The possibility of leaving was more difficult to swallow than before, but so was staying.

  “You’re just going to stare her down without saying anything?”

  “Maybe,” Gage said. He had a plan. But after their date the other night, he was feeling less at ease about it. What had felt like a win-win was getting more complicated. He’d been so focused on what it meant to be with Chloe that he’d pushed one big issue to the back burner.

  Staying.

  And thanks to his boss, he now had the word at the forefront of his mind.

  The word made his damn mind do somersaults. He wanted a lot of things, but Chloe was at the top of the list. After having an amazing evening with her, then another, he wanted to spend all his free time with her. So why did the idea of sticking around feel so heavy?

  Maybe because it’s becoming more real…

  And therein lay the snag she’d been warning him about from the beginning. It had nothing to do with wanting her—just the logistics of keeping her. They’d spent every encounter up until the other night in a fantasy world. It’d always been temporary, but now he didn’t have to leave. This time, whether he stayed or went was a choice—and it was daunting as hell.

  He drank his beer. The night was beautiful—clouds hung low, and the smell of impending summer rain was in the air. But East was right. While Gage was pretending to look at the bonfire, he was really staring at Chloe standing across from it.

  “Speaking of staring,” Gage said, changing the subject. “The cute girl in glasses keeps glaring at you. What’s going on there?”

  East laughed. “Ah, sweet Natalie. She’s hated me since we were kids.”

  Come to think of it, everyone there knew each other. Likely had for a long time. For a while, Chloe had been one of the few people Gage hadn’t been familiar with. And then that had changed. She’d gone from the intimate stranger he had casual sex with and instead had become…

  That was the hell of it all. He had no idea what she had turned into. Or what she would become. What they would become. All this time, he’d assumed that if she just gave them a chance, they’d automatically see how well they fit together.

  But his brilliant blackmail plan was biting him in the ass, because now he was messing with something he might not be able to get out of: a commitment to staying.

  I can commit to a woman, but not a place…

  That little gem of truth his buddy had laid down on him earlier was now pulsing harder than ever in his brain.

  “Word around is the head of the Carolina Search and Rescue core retired and they’re looking to replace him. Rumor is they even offered this job to a specific person and still haven’t heard if said person is going to take this job.” East eyed Gage. “Hmmm, I wonder what this mysterious person will choose…” He tapped his beer and grinned at Gage.

  Gage nearly knocked his friend flat on his ass. “So it was you who told the boss it should be me in the training position.”

  East shrugged. “All I said was we should look for the right person.”

  “This person is probably thinking training instead of searching is bullshit.”

  “It’s a job, dude,” East said. “A good one. One you enjoy and you’re good at. This isn’t a hard choice.”

  “I enjoy my job now. This new gig would be less fieldwork and more overseeing, scheduling, planning, and training.”

  “Which you’re good at since you’re a tight-ass who always has a plan.”

  Gage hit his friend with a hard look, and East held up his hands. “Don’t get your panties in a wad. I’m just telling you what I see. But I’d hate to offend your delicate feelers and get on your shit list.”

  “My shit list is color-coded, asshole. And yeah, you’re officially on it now.”

  East laughed. “Of course it is. Well then, in the spirit of friendly advice, maybe put down the spreadsheet and think about what you really want.”

  “That’s what I’ve been doing.” Gage glanced back at Chloe. But it wasn’t as simple as what he wanted, because what he wanted conflicted with how he operated. He was a man on the move all the time.

  “Any epiphanies?” East asked.

  Gage shook his head. “No.” What he wanted hadn’t changed, but the way to go about it had. Maybe he needed more time. Staying wasn’t an option, but coming back regularly was. Keeping with his current routine was best. He got to come into town and be with Chloe. Hopefully more often, assuming he could convince her dating wasn’t so bad.

  Either way, he could have Chloe, right?

  For the first time, he wasn’t sure. This wasn’t a weekend in and out. This was more time, which was creating more of an attachment. It’d be so much more difficult to leave now, and yet staying terrified him.

  “There’s a lot I have to consider,” Gage said. “I don’t have enough data yet.”

  East shook his head. “So you’re going to continue pursuing Chloe until you gather your data?”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing. I like her, so either way—”

  “Either way, this could end badly,” East said.

  “Since when do you know about pursuing relationships?”

  “I openly admit I know nothing about relationships, and I’m good with that. But I know a lot about the pursuit. And trust me when I say you’re doing it wrong.”

  Gage sighed. He wasn’t doing it wrong; he was being smart. Diligent. He was trying not to think with his dick, otherwise he wouldn’t have been blackmailing Chloe the way he was. So what the hell was East talking about?

  “You going to tell her about the possibility of staying?” he asked.

  “No, because I’m not going to be a trainer. And I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on Chloe.”

  She already hated the notion of commitment longer th
an a weekend. If Gage moved here full time? He wasn’t prepared to see the terror on her face with that admission. No, he’d stick to his mission of getting her into a long-distance relationship. If she didn’t tell him to fuck off first…

  And we’re back at square one.

  “Still something to think about,” East said.

  He drank and looked at Chloe again. He could get a grip. Find a balance and deal with this situation. If he used this time wisely, really slaked his need for her, at the end of this stay it’d be easier to leave for both of them. Hopefully she’d want him to come back. Hopefully she’d wait for him.

  Or maybe he was insane.

  “More data,” Gage repeated. It was all he could cling to. Getting lost in Chloe for a week or two was a hell of a good way to spend his time—and it’d clear things up in the process. At the end of his time here, he’d have a good idea of what Chloe wanted…and whether he could provide it.

  Or maybe he’d hit the road for the next mission, and this time, she wouldn’t wait for him to come back.

  And if that was the case, could he really blame her? He wanted Chloe to want and miss him, but he couldn’t stay. Which made him a special kind of asshole.

  No…you’ve been honest. Haven’t over-committed to anything.

  He wanted her for the time he was there to see where it went. But now the follow-through was getting slippery. He’d gotten a glimpse of the real Chloe the other night. And yet…

  “Look, I don’t know what your deal is, but staying isn’t so bad,” East said. “Having some roots and a nice girl to come home to sounds great to me.”

  Gage snorted. “Says the town playboy.”

  “Why do you think I stay? There’re a lot of pretty women around these parts.” He winked. But Gage didn’t miss the way East shot a glance to the chatting brunette in glasses across the bonfire.

  Despite his best intentions, Gage knew one thing still to be true: he was capable of committing to a woman, but not a place. But between their sexy mock search and rescue and her inviting him to her restaurant, he had to hope he was gaining ground.