by Coralee June
I refused to soften my heart at his story. I refused to feel empathy for the man who used me.
“I’m sorry he beat you up, but what does that have to do with my mother and me?”
“I saw him at the wedding. I saw the smug look on his face. I saw the way he held her close. Jack looked so fucking proud. He looked like a real family man. I knew the truth. He doesn’t deserve a happily ever after. He doesn’t deserve his dream job. He doesn’t deserve any of it.”
“So you want him to be miserable?” I asked. “You missed your mark, Hamilton. The only people suffering are my mother and me.”
“Jack started focusing more on Joseph. His anger issues. His sociopathic tendencies. He considered Mom a lost cause.” Hamilton looked like he was on the verge of tears. His hands were balled into fists at his sides. “The drugs Mom overdosed on? She got them from Joseph. She stole them from under his mattress. Jack had to cover it up to save his precious son from being at the center of it all. She even left a fucking note. She said that she couldn’t stand to look at the psychopath she birthed, the bastard she was raising, and the cheating husband who resented her.”
I knew that something was inherently wrong with Joseph, but to hear that Mrs. Beauregard’s last words were calling him a psychopath just increased my concern for my mother. I tried to remain calm. “You have every right to feel the way you do, Hamilton. I have a lot of sympathy for you, okay? But this doesn’t make up for the fact that you used me. And for what? What did you accomplish here, Hamilton? You wanted to make them look bad? The only people you hurt were my mother and me.”
“We can still do something. Your mother could come forward about the abuse. I could—”
“My mother is driving back to DC as we speak. She’s in no place to go against the Beauregards. She still thinks she loves the asshole. You want to make a difference, Hamilton? Talk to your father. Sort your fucking shit out. It’s too late. Your mother overdosed. There is nothing you could have done differently.” Hamilton walked over to me and reached for my arm, but I took a step back. “I should have never trusted you. You didn’t just hurt me. Joseph beat up my mother. She had cuts and bruises all over her body, Hamilton. Because of us. Because of your fucked up family. You knew what your brother was capable of, and you still let me pursue this. You put us at risk. You used us for some ridiculous vendetta.”
“I’m just tired of everyone thinking my family is perfect!” Hamilton roared. “He doesn’t get to just live his life. Joseph once snapped my arm in the door. He’d knock me down, then kick me in the stomach. And Jack had his head shoved so far up his ass that he didn’t once take my side. And then Mom died. And shit got worse.”
I swallowed my emotions. “I’m sorry, Hamilton. I’m so sorry. But this is just too much.” Straightening my spine, I gave him a cold look before saying goodbye. For good. Forever. “Don’t talk to me again. I’m going to get my mother out of this mess, and I’m going to forget you ever existed. I hope you get whatever closure you’re looking for, Hamilton. But I’m not going to let you ruin me to get to it.”
“Petal, no. Please! I love you.”
His declaration did nothing. I had no sentimental reaction to his affections, only rage. “You’re not capable of love. You wouldn’t know what it was if it slapped you in the face. Petals aren’t meant to be plucked, Hamilton. When you love something, you let it bloom.”
26
I couldn’t go back to Jess’s car. Not only was I devastated by the revelation about Hamilton, but I quickly realized that Jess was probably in on it too. There was no way she didn’t know about Hamilton’s plan. They were best friends, and she was probably in on it from the beginning. I felt like such a fool. I couldn’t go back to Greenwich. I couldn’t go back to my apartment. I wanted out of this mess of a family.
I walked through the woods, leaving Hamilton to stand there alone, his hands outstretched for mine but only clasping air. He didn’t chase after me, though. How could I have been so foolish? How could I have ignored all the signs? My mother warned me. Even though Joseph was a monster, he warned me, too. I was starting to realize that everyone was a villain. Everyone had an ulterior motive. There were no innocents. I should have seen Hamilton for what he was.
And even though I was angry, my heart still hurt for the boy who shared the trauma of Joseph’s abuse.
When I saw the Beauregard’s home, I pulled out my cell, fully prepared to call an Uber to my apartment so I could pack a bag and take the train to DC. I didn’t exactly know what I’d do once I got there, but I had to convince my mother to leave Joseph. No amount of financial security was worth being with a monster.
“The guards told me you were here,” Jack said. I hadn’t even noticed him sitting on his back porch. He was clutching a glass full of amber liquid in his palm and staring out across his property at the tree line. I’d never seen him dressed so casually, with a black shirt and sweatpants; he looked normal, almost. “Is Hamilton at the sycamore tree? He always loved it there.”
I debated on ignoring him. Jack had a role to play in all of this. He supported a monster. But my need for answers outweighed my sense of self-preservation. “Did you know?” I asked while marching up the steps. “Did you know that Joseph is a psychopath? Did you know that my mother showed up on Hamilton’s doorstep yesterday bruised and bloodied? You’re a hypocrite, Jack,” I added before sitting down in the chair beside him. I didn’t want to look at him—I couldn’t. So instead, I stared out over the swaying blades of grass while finding my bearings. Ten more minutes couldn’t hurt. Ten minutes of sitting and searching for answers before I’d figure out what the fuck my mother and I were going to do.
“I’m the worst kind of hypocrite,” he admitted. I didn’t have to pull the admission out of him. He readily agreed, like it was a plague on his mind he needed to sweat out with a fever. “I did you and your mother a disservice. I sat there, pretending that it was my son who needed protecting from your mother, when in fact it was the other way around.”
“He beat the shit out of her, Jack. How can you just sit there, knowing what he’s capable of, and still support him?”
“I suppose the same reason you still love a woman who lied about her pregnancy so she could marry into my family for money.”
I sputtered. “It’s not the same.”
“No. I suppose it’s not. Yet here we are. Stuck.” Jack lifted his drink and took a sip. “I learned to prioritize from my father. The day I started working for him, he told me that every thriving business has a million problems under its belt. The key to success is finding the biggest one and focusing on it. And if it isn’t fixable, you move onto the next.”
“Is that how you approach your family, Jack? You treat your children like problems you can’t fix?”
Jack smiled. “You’re a smart woman, Vera. I can see why Hamilton is so fixated on you.” I bit my tongue. “I’m a bit wiser now, though. Nikki and I realized something was wrong with Joseph when he was three. He used to break every single toy we ever gave him. He was attracted to dangerous things. Fire. Needles. Electrical sockets. Nikki blamed herself. I suppose Joseph’s problems started her spiral. We went to therapists, but he outsmarted them. He learned how to appear normal. He mimicked empathy, wore kindness like a mask. I ignored the deeper problem because it was easier.
“Nikki then became my bigger problem. I’d catch her staring at Joseph with her fists clenched. She feared him. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t just let it go. My wife and I grew apart. And by the time I told Nikki about my affair and Hamilton, I’d lost her completely. No amount of therapy, antidepressants, or help could save her. So I treated her like I treated my business. I focused on the other problem.”
I swallowed and turned to look at Jack. Hearing his version of events added a sense of clarity to the story that I’d been craving. “If you can’t fix it, move on,” I echoed his earlier sentiment.
“Hamilton was like a Band-Aid. He won’t believe me, but she love
d him. In fact, she probably loved him more than she loved Joseph. She resented me, but oh, she loved Hamilton. He was a second chance. He breathed new life into her. She took him in as her own. Our only rule was that he could never know of his birth mother. It was an easy enough agreement. I was happy to forget about the one-night stand. We settled. Closed case. Non-disclosure agreement. I paid a lot of money to make sure Nikki had full parental rights. She still had moments of weakness, but I had faith that we’d be a family again. Hamilton is under this ridiculous belief that everything was perfect between the three of us before he came along. He doesn’t realize that he saved our family.”
“Joseph must have been jealous,” I whispered.
“Incredibly so. Joseph has so much anger. He’s the one who leaked the truth to the press about Hamilton’s birth mother,” Jack replied. “Nikki was never the same after that. She spiraled. Sometimes…” Jack stopped to adjust his collar. “Sometimes I wonder if he put the drugs somewhere Nikki would find them. I knew they belonged to him. She’d dabbled in temporary relief before, but the drugs in her system were Joseph’s beast of choice.”
It terrified me to think that my mother was married to someone capable of so much evil. “Why does Hamilton blame you?”
“Because I clean up Joseph’s messes. Every. Single. Time. At first I did it for the sake of my legacy. How can I build an empire when I can’t even manage my own family? Then it just became a habit. Second nature. Instinct. I’d tell you all the things I kept hidden, but I’m afraid you’d hate me more than you already do. I don’t know how to be a father. I know how to fix problems. I know how to bribe, lie, and steal. I sent Hamilton away, and now I’m an old man who’s made a habit of saving the son who doesn’t deserve saving and hurting the son I should have protected. All the while, I’m balancing a fortune and legacy that only makes Joseph more powerful. I have half a mind to cut him off just to save the rest of the world from him.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked.
Jack took another drink before tossing the glass into his yard. It shattered on impact, but the crashing sound was absorbed by dirt and grass. “I want a relationship with my son, Vera. You get through to Hamilton in a way I’ve never been able to. I saw the way he calmed down when you spoke to him last night at the restaurant. I don’t care about the papers. I don’t care about the reelection. I’m withdrawing from the race. I want to fix my family before it’s too late. Last night was a wake-up call. I can’t keep sweeping Joseph’s mistakes under the rug.” Jack paused to clear his throat. “Hamilton blames me for Nikki’s death. He thinks I should have done more. I should have handled Joseph better. I shouldn’t have cheated. I loved my wife, Vera. And if she could see the mess I’ve made of this family, she’d be ashamed.”
“I’m assuming there is a reason you’re telling me all of this.”
“I can bring your mother here. I can give your mother space and time away from Joseph and keep her safe. He won’t hurt her if she’s here. Joseph doesn’t have genuine feelings. He goes through the motions. He thought she was pregnant, so he thought he was supposed to be a family man. But he can’t keep up with the charade for long. If she’s here, he’s free to do whatever he wants. He’ll agree to it, especially if I suggest it. I’ll give her a job here. Something where she can earn honest money. Give her the opportunity to get a clear head.”
“Are you doing this for her or for Joseph?” I asked.
“For both. Once he has someone, he picks at them like they’re scabs. Hamilton probably knows that sad truth better than anyone else. It’s always the people closest to him.”
Once more, my heart bled at the thought of Joseph abusing Hamilton. “I’m assuming you want something in return?” I asked. Jack was a politician through and through.
My grandfather let out a sigh. “I want you to help me mend my relationship with Hamilton. I’ll give you everything you could possibly want. School. Your mother’s safety. Your apartment paid for. When you graduate, I’ll make sure you have whatever job you want. I’ll keep Joseph away. I’ll do everything in my power to give you a good life. All I ask is that you help me fix things with my son, Vera. I know you’re capable of it.”
“I can’t, Jack,” I choked out. I hadn’t even realized that tears were streaming down my face. “He betrayed me. He was using me to hurt you.”
“He has to care about you, Vera.”
“He doesn’t,” I sobbed.
“The second Joseph told me that Hamilton had his eye on you, I knew it was all a ploy. This isn’t the first time my son has lashed out. I didn’t think anything of it. But then I noticed a shift last night. I know my son. Hamilton loves fiercely, and Vera, he loves you. I can see it clear as day.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, letting the chill of the air wash over me. “I don’t love him.”
“You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, Vera. You love him too.”
“It doesn’t matter!” I yelled. “I can’t be with someone who hurt me like that.”
Jack pressed his lips into a fine line. I waited with bated breath for him to speak. “You’re going to have to get over that. If you want to protect your mother and finish your degree, you’ll help me. I might be a changed man, but I’ll still do whatever it takes to fix my family. I don’t care how your feelings have changed. You want your mother out of that house with Joseph? You will stay. You will fix things with Hamilton.”
I stood up and paced the deck. How could Jack ask this of me? What was he thinking?
Debating my options, I realized I didn’t have much of a choice. I needed to get my mother out of that situation. I needed to finish school so I could be self-sufficient. Could I help Jack while protecting my heart? Could I honestly try to fix years of pain? “I’m not even sure I’m capable of mending your relationship with Hamilton, Jack.”
“All I ask is that you try. All I ask is that you stay.”
“You can’t force me to love him, Jack.”
“I’m not asking you to. I’m just asking you to give our family a second chance.”
I looked up at Jack, seeing him with fresh eyes and a hardened heart. I knew my answer would change the trajectory of my life. Once again I had a decision to make. My mother’s safety and happiness, or mine. It was a tragic sacrifice. A consequence. I spent so long running from my feelings for Hamilton, and now his family wanted me to run headfirst back into his welcoming arms.
Rustling in the distance drew my attention back to the tree line. Hamilton emerged with his shoulders slumped. I could sense his pain even from here. Broken. Hardened. Defeated. Even now, I wanted nothing more than to run to him. I wanted to be better again. I wanted to seek the comfort of his arms and dive into the compatibility we shared.
But if I were going to do this—if I were going to help Jack and save my mother—then I’d have to do it with a clear head. I refused to give Hamilton my heart again.
“So?” Jack asked. “What’s it going to be?”
I let out an exhale. “I want Mom here by tomorrow,” I replied. “And I don’t want you to punish either of us if I fail.”
“Deal.”
I stared at Hamilton once more. His hungry eyes were locked on me. Pain felt like a tangible entity between us. “I’ll try.”
A Note from the Author
Thank you so much for reading. Thorns and Forgiveness, the conclusion to Hamilton and Vera’s story, will release January, 2021.
Preorder your copy:
www.authorcoraleejune.com
Acknowledgments
This book would not have been possible without the support and love of Christina Santos, as well as Christine Estevez with Wildfire Marketing.
I would like to especially thank Katie Friend, Meggan Reed, HarleyQuinn Zaler, Savannah Richey, Lauren Campbell and Claire Jones for beta reading.
I am grateful to all of those with whom we have had the pleasure to work with during this book. I’d like to especially recognize my editor, Helayna Trask. She a
lways takes the time to dive into the worlds we create and make sure they are perfect for you all. I would also like to thank all the dedicated members of The Zone and Cora’s Crew. And finally, thank you again to HarleyQuinn Zaler for this drool-worthy cover.
I started writing this book almost a year ago, and picked it back up on a whim. I had zero plans of releasing it this year, and wasn’t sure I could get inside Vera’s head. But the second I started writing, I just couldn’t stop.
I can relate to Vera in many ways. There comes a time in all our lives when we stop seeing our parents as super heroes and start seeing them as humans—and humans are beautifully flawed in so many ways. It can be jarring when you catch your first glimpse of their shortcomings. I once read a quote that said, “We always talk about how parents get to watch their kids grow up, but kids get to watch their parents grow up, too. They just don’t realize it.”
Disclaimer: I promise that this book is entirely a work of fiction. Lilah was not modeled after any of the people that raised me. I have four amazing parents. It’s just…the older I get, the more I realize that my perceptions of normal were shaped by incredible people that worked hard to give me a safe childhood. A lot of times we look at our parents strengths and how they shaped us, but I think it’s important to recognize that their weaknesses help us grow, too.
Vera’s journey made me examine my own role as a mother. While writing the tail end of this book, I had a very devastating miscarriage that rocked me. I sat on my bed and sobbed for what felt like hours, and hadn’t noticed my oldest daughter sneaking into my bedroom with a candy bar to make me smile, and a roll of toilet paper to wipe my tears. We cuddled. She asked why I was crying and I told her that sometimes Mommies get sad, just like everyone else.