The Gulf

by Anna Spargo-Ryan

  I knew I was avoiding the supermarket. My stomach flipped, and I could feel bile rising in my throat. ‘Totally normal,’ I said aloud. ‘Everyone’s nervous on their first day.’ Raf’s voice in my head: It’s hard to be new.

  The supermarket was in a strip of shops almost on the water. I stood in the entry and let the automatic doors shudder behind me.

  My boss was a bearded man in his thirties, whose eyebrows met in the middle.

  ‘Skye, welcome,’ he said, and when he spoke the words only came from one half of his mouth. ‘Looks like they’ve got you stacking shelves. Pretty girl like you should be on the register.’ He put his hand on my shoulder and left it there even after I’d tried to duck away from it.

  ‘Stacking shelves is fine,’ I said. ‘I’m a hard worker.’

  ‘Even so. Get a few more sales this way.’ He led me to the registers, guided me with his arm across my lower back.

  Jeannie would train me. She was much older than me, grey and folded in her face, but she seemed very happy to be there. ‘The new system’s so easy!’ she bleated. ‘You just press these ones and these ones and swipe the thing and pow! You’re all done!’ She wore her hair long and curled, and it had been pinned over one side of her face with possibly the world’s entire supply of hairspray.

  ‘Is it true that if a product scans at a lower price, you have to honour it?’ I said.

  ‘Nah. Some tightarse made that up and went round saying it to everyone. We do it anyway though, saves having a punch-on.’ A customer appeared at her register. ‘Good afternoon,’ she said. ‘Nice day we’re having. Oh, good choice on the chocolates. A pressie for someone special? They’ll love that. Fourteen twenty. Cash out? No? Can I PayPass your card? Not a worry at all, you pop your PIN in there. Pleasure. Have a lovely night.’ She smiled with the collection of teeth that remained, turned to look at me. ‘Next one’s yours. Let’s see if we can’t find you a badge.’

  She rummaged in her drawer. Pinned a TRAINEE label to me. ‘There you go.’

  The next customer was a younger woman with several bags of cat food and an orange lipstick in a plastic packet. I fumbled with the buttons, didn’t look her in the eye, couldn’t remember how to say have a nice day. And she left without her receipt. Scurried, really.

  ‘That was terrible,’ I said.

  ‘Listen, lovie.’ Jeannie pushed my chin up to look me in the eye. ‘You do what you gotta do to get the bills paid. You don’t love it? No one cares.’ The line moved. ‘Mrs Lee! So nice to see you. Your son’s leg better? That’s no good. What about Tina’s exams? All done? Thirty-six exactly. Pop your card on the whatsit, that’s the way. Receipt’s in the bag. You have a lovely evening.’

  And so the line continued to move, one customer after another receiving Jeannie’s sincere and open enthusiasm. People known to her, and unknown, equally welcomed. I muddled my way through a few transactions, helped her put away the plastic coathangers for recycling. The boss came over a couple of times to see how I was getting on; Jeannie lied and told him I was brilliant, whispered to me afterwards that he would take whatever I was willing to give him and I wouldn’t necessarily have to be willing.

  It was only at the end of my shift that Jeannie’s hairspray gave out. Revealed the purple bruising underneath.

  8

  DAD AND I STAYED once for a couple of nights in a caravan park by the Murray River. It rained. After it had finished raining, Dad took me to the pub, which was the only building in town and was also the post office, corner store and bank. Above the bar someone had mounted the mouth of a Murray cod, and the bartender told us the story of Ngurunderi.

  After dinner we went down to the river to see the pelicans and the banks had broken and the fish were throwing themselves at the sand.

  ‘Why are they doing that?’ I said.

  ‘They’re lost,’ Dad said.

  After school Raf crossed the road and waited at the bus stop with me to head west. He had to visit his auntie, he said. She lived somewhere near Jason’s house, he said, even though he didn’t know where Jason’s house was.

  ‘Shouldn’t you be at training?’ I said.

  ‘Gotta mow her lawns before it gets dark,’ he said. ‘She pays me fifteen bucks a month to keep the snakes out of them.’

  ‘Lots of snakes in winter?’

  ‘Yeah, heaps.’ He grinned.

  ‘She’s getting a bargain,’ I said.

  ‘Probably.’ He looked away from me. ‘But when the company’s this good, I’d do it for free.’ My face burned. ‘Where’s your place?’

  ‘Near the . . . park?’

  ‘That big empty block? Nuclear dump site, I heard.’

  ‘That would explain a lot.’

  ‘They were going to turn it into, like, a theme park, I think. Waterslides, rollercoasters, the whole shebang.’

  ‘Much demand for theme parks around here?’

  ‘Zero. Hence the picturesque bit of dead land you see today.’ He shuffled closer to me. Our legs nearly touched; the centimetres between them hissed. ‘Anyway, that’s right near my auntie’s place. I can walk you home.’ He nudged me with his shoulder. ‘If you want.’

  ‘I –’ My mouth was full of jelly. ‘Okay.’

  ‘Can we go by mine first though? Gotta get changed.’

  Raf’s house looked just like Jason’s, if Jason had ever bothered to take care of it. Yellow brick and a corrugated fence, Hills hoist spinning in the backyard. But the front was landscaped, neat little rows of ferns and grasses, and a couple of roses in pots by the door. Instead of hanging on one hinge, the front door swung open with a little squeak, and a woman wearing actual clothes was on the other side, not shouting at anyone.

  ‘Oh,’ she said.

  ‘Mum!’ Raf pulled me in front of him. ‘Mum, this is Skye. God, shit.’

  ‘Nice to meet you, Skye-God-Shit.’ She smiled, like a mother might.

  ‘It’s Skye. This is Skye.’

  ‘Hi, Skye.’ She gave me a little hug.

  ‘Hi,’ I said.

  ‘Claud.’

  ‘Hi Claud.’

  Raf shuffled nervously. ‘Didn’t know you’d be here.’

  ‘I live here.’ She took his school bag from him. ‘Getting changed before Hazel’s?’

  ‘Yeah.’ He ducked past her and into the house.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said, the only thing I could remember how to say.

  ‘No need,’ she said. She looked tough, kind, patient. I hardly recognised those things in another human.

  ‘I’ve never met my . . . a boy’s mum before.’

  ‘We’re just like regular mums, but really tired.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said.

  ‘And, you know, dirty, a lot of the time.’

  ‘Ha ha.’

  Raf came rushing back down the hallway.

  ‘Okay,’ he said to me. ‘We can go.’

  Claud squeezed him as he moved past her. ‘Your pants are on inside out,’ she said.

  ‘I’ll fix them later.’ He pushed her away, but she was still smiling.

  We sat together on the bus, though it was hardly full, and the chair was just big enough to fit both of us without our bodies touching but they touched anyway, his leg against my leg, my arm against his arm. He smelled of sweat and dirt, but not in a bad way. Like he’d been running through a rainforest. I felt it through my collarbones, my shoulderblades, just wanting to be close to him.

  ‘This is my stop,’ I said, and he stepped aside to let me out.

  ‘Lead the way.’

  We met Ben on the corner, where he was waiting with a box in his hands and his face all dirty. ‘Look! Skye!’ He held it out. ‘Today I found a mouse.’ He looked up at Raf. ‘Your pants are on inside out.’

  ‘Raf, this is Ben. My brother.’

  ‘Hey, mate. Rafferty. Pleased to meet you.’ Raf extended his hand; Ben put the box in it.

  ‘I think it’s a hopping mouse. It’s got big feet and this tail that looks like it’s covered
in feathers and I looked it up on the internet and that’s exactly what a hopping mouse looks like. A, uh’ – he stuck out his tongue, frowned – ‘spinifex hopping mouse. I think.’

  Raf opened the box. ‘That’s a hopping mouse all right.’ I peered around his arm.

  ‘Look how big its eyes are.’ I replaced the lid. ‘What are you going to do with a mouse? You’re already keeping a fugitive tortoise.’

  ‘A tortoise?’ said Raf. ‘Ben, are you planning to race these animals?’

  Ben laughed, bright and easy. ‘I thought I might take it to the empty block,’ he said. ‘There’s spinifex there, I looked that up too. Spinifex hopping mice must live in places where there’s spinifex.’

  ‘Good thinking. Let’s get this little guy home.’ Raf handed the box back to Ben, hooked my brother’s bag over his own shoulder. I watched him as we walked, watched the way he talked to Ben instead of me, bent right over with his ear close to my brother’s face so he could hear everything.

  ‘Skye, get this,’ Raf said to me. ‘Did you know that if you leave a chimpanzee on an island with wood and ropes, it will build a raft?’

  ‘Is that right?’ I said.

  ‘Yiannis says he saw them do it with his own two eyes when they went to Africa,’ Ben said.

  ‘Lots of islands in Africa?’

  Raf prodded me in the ribs. ‘At least one island, by the sounds of it.’

  Ben held tight to his box. ‘Mice can chew through cardboard,’ he said. ‘So I couldn’t keep him in here anyway. I would have to buy an aquarium and then I would probably have to get a permit and I don’t have any money. And anyway, he would probably be sad in an aquarium.’

  ‘Where did you find him?’ I said.

  ‘He was hiding in the dirt under the bench. In the corner near the tennis courts.’ He dropped his voice low. ‘Mrs Johansson said I can’t sit in the doorway anymore, so I go there at lunch now.’

  Raf put his arm around Ben’s shoulders. ‘How old are you? Eleven?’

  Ben laughed again. ‘Eleven! I’m ten.’

  ‘Ten! You’re so tall. Going to play footy one day? You could be in the ruck.’

  ‘I don’t know how to play.’

  ‘Maybe I can teach you.’ Raf mimed catching the ball, dropping it onto his foot. ‘When I was ten, the only friend I had was this parrot my mum bought at the market.’

  ‘You had a parrot?’ Ben’s eyes went wide.

  ‘Yep. Our house was behind the school so the parrot just came over the fence to hang out with me. It was super tame. When I didn’t feel like listening in class – which was pretty much always – I could just look out the window and my parrot would come and tap on it.’

  ‘Wow,’ Ben said.

  ‘At recess he helped me find worms and stuff in the grass.’

  ‘It sounds like he was a pretty good friend.’

  ‘Haven’t seen him for a while. Probably still goes over to the school looking for me, I bet.’

  ‘Do you miss him?’

  ‘I’ve got lots of other friends now. Happens when you get to be old like me. Find the people you really like, people who like you.’

  ‘I miss Yiannis. He was my friend.’

  Raf shrugged, gave my brother a gentle shove. ‘Maybe you can come and visit my parrot sometime.’

  Ben skipped ahead to the park, holding his box above his head. ‘You’re nearly home, Mr Hopkins!’

  Raf put his arm through mine. I felt like I might stop breathing at any second. ‘Beautiful story,’ I whispered, which was the maximum volume I could manage.

  Raf whispered back, smiling: ‘Mostly true.’

  Ben found a spot with big clumps of dead grass, picked through it to clear out any spiders. ‘I don’t know if spiders bite hopping mice,’ he said, ‘but it’s important to be careful.’

  ‘Better safe than sorry.’ Raf crouched down with him and they opened the box together. The mouse took a tentative step, lifted its nose.

  ‘Go on, mouse,’ Ben said. He gave the box a rattle. The mouse sprint-hopped away in a blur.

  ‘See ya, Mr Hopkins,’ Raf said.

  My brother skipped ahead of us, rambling about something called the Bloop and picking up bits of rock and grit as he went.

  I hadn’t been so close to a guy since Henry from next door to Dad’s house when I was six (his mum made us run under the sprinkler together, naked, insisting the photos would be perfect for our eventual twenty-first birthdays; Henry died in a car accident the next year). Did I stink? Had I even showered today? I smoothed my hair with a sweaty hand. Tried to find my voice, pluck it back from where it had slipped down my throat.

  ‘Thanks,’ I croaked.

  ‘What for?’

  ‘You know what for. Helping Ben.’

  ‘No biggie.’ His legs were longer than mine and I had to step faster to keep up with him.

  ‘He hasn’t really made any friends. The whole time we’ve been here.’ My heart raced. ‘Like, at least I’ve got you.’ Oh God oh God, shut up, mouth!

  Raf stopped and turned to face me. ‘Is that right?’

  ‘Helping me, I mean.’

  ‘Right, helping you.’ Without warning, his hand was in mine. Rough, hot, like that first day he’d picked me up off the ground.

  He leaned in. My hands stuck to my sides. Every part of me froze and exploded at once. His breath was pie and chewing gum. Warm on my face. Would I spew? I closed my eyes. His hands were on my hips. Oh God, was Ben watching?

  His lips were soft on mine. Softer than I expected. His mouth opened a little. I tried not to spew into it. He pulled away and my face flushed hot and then cold.

  ‘Come to footy training. Meet some of the guys properly. Then you can have them, too.’ He scratched his head. ‘I mean, not like that. Not like this.’ He lay his hand flat on my collarbone. I tried to kickstart my body back into breathing. Nodded. Couldn’t remember how to do anything else. ‘Really? It’s tomorrow. Wednesday. Don’t forget.’

  ‘What about Ben?’

  ‘Bring him. I’ll show him a few of my moves.’

  ‘Okay. I guess.’

  He grabbed my hand. ‘Let me walk you home?’

  Jason’s car wasn’t in the driveway. Mum wasn’t home either; her dressing-gown was strewn on the couch and her shoes were by the door. Ben had pulled Bilbo from his hiding place and he was walking across the kitchen table.

  ‘Ah,’ said Raf, ‘the tortoise.’ He pulled up a chair, ran his fingers across Bilbo’s shell. ‘A fine specimen indeed.’

  ‘I don’t know what kind he is,’ Ben said. ‘Yiannis found his egg in the park so he incubated it and after a while, Bilbo hatched out.’

  ‘Bilbo, huh?’

  ‘He’s on an adventure.’ Ben held out a piece of lettuce but the tortoise walked past it. I took a couple of glasses and poured juice for each of them.

  ‘See you got a dog there, too.’ Murray, standing under the clothesline, looking at nothing.

  ‘He doesn’t belong to us,’ I said. ‘You can blame Mum’s boyfriend for that.’

  ‘Sad.’

  ‘Wanna see my room?’ Ben leapt up, grabbed Bilbo with both hands. ‘Well, it’s both of ours, technically. But most of it is mine.’

  ‘That’s only because you’ve got more stuff.’

  Raf scratched his head. ‘You guys share a room?’

  ‘The adults need the other bedroom for their business,’ I said. ‘That’s more important than my privacy, apparently.’

  ‘I like it,’ said Ben. ‘A lot of nights I can’t sleep because I’m worrying – did you know you can die from worrying? It’s true – but it’s okay because Skye is right there in the next bed and sometimes I climb in with her but I don’t think she notices.’ Sometimes I noticed. Always pretended not to. ‘I might even show you where Bilbo sleeps. Even Skye doesn’t know that.’

  ‘Yep,’ I said. ‘It’s Port Flinders’s best-kept secret.’

  Raf let his fingers slide between mine, went with B
en to see Bilbo’s hiding place. I poured myself a glass of orange juice. Dragged the filmy bit off the top with a spoon. Thought again about Raf’s mouth as he leaned in, how soft he was. His hands on my waist. I couldn’t remember where mine had been. Where were you supposed to put your hands when you kissed someone? I imagined it happening again, me running my fingers through his hair, him kissing my neck.

  A car door slammed in the driveway.

  ‘Ben! Ben, they’re back!’ I threw open the door to the bedroom. Ben held Bilbo above his head.

  ‘Don’t look!’ he said.

  ‘Mum’s here. Raf, you need to leave.’ The front door opened. They were shouting, Mum first, in her high-pitched screech, and Jason responding with his low grunts. ‘We’re going to have to sneak you over the fence,’ I hissed.

  ‘Not allowed to have friends, huh?’

  ‘Not ones that kiss me.’

  I opened the window and he climbed through; I went out after him. ‘This is ridiculous,’ he said. ‘How bad can they be?’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Parents from the city are never as bad as the ones out this way.’ He jumped up to the fence, swung his leg over. ‘Do you need a hand?’

  ‘I can’t come with you.’

  Mum’s voice from inside: ‘Where’s your ratbag sister?’ and Ben making naïve murmuring sounds.

  ‘Sure you can. Come on.’ He reached down to grab my wrists, pulled me almost clean over the brush.

  We walked down the road to the next bus stop, empty as always. My heart raced. Alone together in the street, just the seconds dancing in the spaces between us. No bench to sit on; we crouched close together on the footpath with our feet in the gutter.

  ‘Your auntie is going to be mad, isn’t she? Weren’t you supposed to be there like, an hour ago?’

  ‘Oh, nah, all good. It’s getting too late now anyway. She’ll understand.’ He kissed my cheek. ‘See you tomorrow’ – pointed up – ‘Skye. Wednesday. Footy training.’

  He got on the bus, went right to the back where he always sat. Waved through the window as it drove away, and my heart crashed through my ribs and out into the night.

  It didn’t matter, that night, that Mum didn’t ask about my day. It didn’t matter, that night, that Jason snapped my bra strap in the hallway. It didn’t matter, that night, that I had to lie down in the bedroom I shared with my ten-year-old brother and listen to my mother and her boyfriend having rank, angry sex down the hall and shouting at each other afterwards.