by Diana Nixon
“Yes. Is that a problem?”
Emery sighed. “It might be a problem…”
I knew the look that she gave me. “I know what I’m doing, okay? It’s not just a game, if this is what you are worried about.”
“What I am worried about is the fact that my sister, who hasn’t been on a date for two years, suddenly agrees to go on one with someone she barely knows.”
“You think I’m not good enough for her?”
“I didn’t say that. You are a good man, Stanley. But Ivy is my sister. I will never stop worrying about her. No matter how good or bad her potential boyfriends are.”
“She and I… It feels like we’ve known each other for years. I don’t feel like she’s a stranger. It’s more like I met someone I knew a long time ago.”
“Does she feel the same way about you?”
“How would I know that? You know your sister, she’s a closed book.”
“The night you two met at my place, she asked me about you. Back then, I thought it was simple curiosity. But now, that you’ve told me about your date, I’m sure there’s more to it. She trusts you, that’s for sure. She would never let you take her out if she didn’t trust you. And knowing how much my sister’s trust cost, I wonder if I should remind her about the existence of birth control pills.”
I smirked. “We didn’t go that far. Not this time anyway. But trust is a good start, isn’t it?”
“Only if you are sure this is what you want.”
“Tell me something, Emery… Did her fiancé break up with her after he realized she would never be able to see again?”
She took a deep breath and nodded. “He didn’t even care to say goodbye. He just disappeared.”
“Son of a bitch.” I suddenly wanted to find the bastard and teach him a painful lesson. “How could he do this to her?”
“Who knows? My guess is that he thought it would be too hard to live with a blind girl who back then needed a lot of help and attention. He surely never expected her to punch her fate in the face and become strong and independent again.”
“Have they met since then?”
“No. But Ivy doesn’t need it. Personally, I think we should thank him for leaving her two years ago. If it wasn’t for his betrayal, maybe she would never find the strength to fight for her life.”
I stood up and walked to the window opening to a small park. The weather was rainy and I wondered if Ivy was at home or still at work. Today she was having another meeting with the blind kids she was visiting in one of the hospitals. An idea came to my head.
“Do you know until what time she works?” I asked Emery.
She looked at her watch and said, “She should be home by three o’clock.”
“Which means she’s still working… What time does my next operation begin?”
“At 2:30 PM.”
I took off my robe and dropped it on the nearby chair. “I’ll be back soon.”
“Where are you going?”
“I need to do something.” I grabbed my car keys and my phone, and left the office.
I needed to see Ivy, and I needed to see her now.
I wasn’t her fiancé; she probably didn’t even consider me being her boyfriend, but I was the man who wanted to prove that she was worth so much more than betrayals and broken promises.
CHAPTER TEN
‘Have you ever been in love?’
Why I suddenly remembered Ivy’s question?
‘Many times,’ – I said in response.
How did I know that? I never gave it too much thought. There was a kind of attraction that made me want to spend a certain amount of time with this or that girl. But how did I know that I was in love? Or maybe love didn’t have anything to do with any of those girls. Maybe it was more physical, like an instinct that needed to be satisfied. Maybe until here and now I’d never seen love at all…
I looked through the glass wall, separating the classroom from the hospital hall. My eyes searched for Ivy’s. She was sitting on a small chair, surrounded by kids of different ages. They were saying something funny to her, because she wouldn’t stop giggling. Of course, she didn’t see me watching her, and for the first time since we met, I was glad I could spy on her without being noticed.
She looked relaxed and happy – a complete opposite from the way she looked back at the opening party, where every small thing was a challenge she was afraid to lose. I admired her willpower. Not many people are capable of going through hell and becoming even stronger. But Ivy Ryan was the most courageous girl I had ever met. She combined so many things; both fragile and strong, she was like a kaleidoscope of many colors and shades that I was sure I would never get tired of discovering.
My days began to start and end with her: thinking about her, dreaming about her, wanting to see her again, to feel her touch on my skin, her lips on my lips. Whatever I wanted to do outside my work, I wanted to do it with her: talk, joke, share crooked smiles, watch the sun going down, wake up with the urge of kissing her first thing in the morning or fall asleep wrapped up in her smell.
Does it mean that I have fallen in love with her?
As if too ashamed to say it out loud, I lowered my eyes and took a deep breath.
No doubt, deep down inside I knew the right answer to that question. My heart raced in my chest, giving away the things I was so scared and at the same time surprised to feel. I felt like I couldn’t look up again, afraid to find myself trapped in the depths of her beautiful eyes that even through the dark curtain of blindness could see it all, right through me.
“Stanley? What are you doing here?”
Too shocked to hear her voice, I cleared my throat and swallowed. “I...um…have been looking for you.”
Her expression suddenly got worried. “Is everything all right? Oh, God… Is Emery okay?”
I chuckled. “No wonder you are sisters. No matter what happens, you think about the worst.”
She smiled and shook her head. “So true. I guess it runs in the family. Ryan’s women have always been a bit overdramatic.” She paused for a moment. “So…what brought you here then?”
“Like I said – I’ve been looking for you.” I took a few steps closer, until I felt our hands touch. I laced my fingers with hers and added quietly, “I needed to see you… I missed you, Ivy.”
She closed her eyelids and shook her head again. “I should have known better than to expect you to leave me alone.”
I smiled. “Not gonna happen. Not in this life anyway.” I said the words without giving them a second thought. Life was quite a long period of time to dedicate it to someone you barely knew. But somehow, spending a lifetime with Ivy felt like the best of possible scenarios. “How did you know I was here? Did any of your kids see me watching you?”
“They are all blind.”
“Then how did you…”
“I felt your presence. I don’t know how it happened… I just felt something – the same thing I feel every time when you are around. It’s hard to give it a name. I don’t know how it starts or why. It makes my skin tingle. But it’s not just my skin that makes me aware of your presence. There’s more to it…” Her voice became softer as she continued. “What I feel is overwhelming; it’s boundless and depthless. It burns me from within, and I love it... Maybe even more than it is legally allowed to feel considering the circumstances.” She smirked. “Or maybe I’m just a masochist, who can’t get enough of something forbidden.”
Her words were music to my ears, causing my words to stick in my throat, because what she was saying described exactly how I felt when with her. The feeling that had no bound or depth… It was something absolute and pure, almost innocent, like a newborn child seeing the light of a new life for the first time.
“Would you like to stay?” Ivy asked. “The class is almost over, so it won’t take a lot of your time. Though if you need to go…”
“I’ll stay,” I said without hesitation. “What do you do during your classes?”
�
�Well, we talk, mostly. Today we discuss colors.” She turned to the door and opened it for me. “Come in, Dr. Burke, let’s see how good you are in evoking associations.”
The moment we entered the room, the kids surrounded us.
“They can always tell when more than one person enters the room,” Ivy said. “By the sound of footsteps.”
“Who are you?” A girl around eight years old asked. She took a few careful steps ahead and touched me with her palm. “It’s a man and he’s tall,” she said to her friends. “What’s your name? Are you blind too? How old are you?”
Ivy came to my rescue. “Guys, this is Dr. Burke. He’s a plastic surgeon.”
“Another doctor…” Said a boy with big brown eyes and messy dark-blond hair. He didn’t sound friendly.
“Hi, I’m Stanley,” I said, taking his hand in mine and then shaking it.
“Are you here to examine us?” He asked, clearly unhappy.
“No, I’m here to join in the fun. Ivy… I mean Miss Ryan told me you are going to talk about colors. I love the colors. You?”
“Me too.” The boy sighed. “I mean I used to love them. Before I lost my vision, I was a huge fan of video games. Too bad I can’t play them anymore. I’m Rob, by the way. And I’m twelve.”
“Nice to meet you, Rob.”
“I’m Jenna,” the girl who asked about my age said.
Then everyone started giving me their names and I immediately felt better and less tense. I honestly had no idea how to act in the presence of so many kids who couldn’t see me.
Ivy, on the contrary, acted as if she could see them all and talked to them as if they were of the same age. She joked and made funny comments. They liked her, and it was understandable. I liked her too…
“How would you describe the color red?” Ivy asked the kids.
Jenna spoke again, “It’s hot, like fire. And it’s rich, like blood.”
“Good. What about you, Stanley?” Ivy turned to me. “What do you picture in your mind when you hear the word ‘red’?”
“Considering I’m a surgeon and see blood every day, blood would be my first thought. But red is also associated with a burn, sunburn for example. Your skin turns red and it hurts. Red also goes with pain and danger. It makes people become alert and pay attention to what’s going on around them.”
“Like an ambulance siren,” one of the kids added.
“Exactly.”
“What about pink or scarlet?” A boy around six years old asked. “Everyone says they are the shades of red. But it doesn’t mean anything to me…”
“Dillon is blind from birth,” Ivy explained. “He’s new here. His parents wanted him to join the group for the blind from birth, but he said he wanted to attend my classes instead.”
“I see. Well…” I turned to Dillon. “Pink is a much softer shade of red than scarlet. Roses can be pink. Their petals are soft, velvety even. When scarlet is a very intense shade of red, aggressive and strong.”
“Good, really good, Dr. Burke.” Ivy patted my back approvingly. “Now let’s talk about yellow.”
“Sun is yellow,” Rob said. “Lemons are yellow.”
“Okay, now try to explain yellow to Dillon, who has never seen the sun or lemons.”
“Yellow is fun, it makes you feel happy,” Jenna said. “Yellow is cheerfulness and optimism. It’s bright and well, yellow.”
Everyone laughed, including Dillon. “Yellow is yellow – I’ll remember that,” he said. “What about blue?”
“Ocean is blue,” Jenna said.
“Dr. Burke is a huge fan of the ocean and swimming,” Ivy added. “Why do you love the ocean?” She asked, turning to me.
“Well… It makes me feel calm. The sound of the waves crashing against the rocks relaxes me. It’s almost like being with someone who knows you very well, with whom you don’t need to pretend. When swimming in the ocean, you can be yourself, dream, close your eyes and let the waves hold you. Blue is also the color of heaven. It brings peace to your body and soul – something that is so hard to find within the chaos of our day-to-day routine.” I stopped talking and looked at Ivy. Despite how crazy her life had become, she remained peaceful within her heart. It was one of those things that I loved about her. She was the ocean to me, deep and restless at times, but calm and beautiful in front of everyone’s eyes. “Blue is freedom,” I continued, with my eyes still focused on Ivy. “Just like the ocean – it’s a mystery with no gravity, stormy when dark and serene when painted in soft shades.”
Serene… This is how Ivy made me feel. As if before her, I never knew balance or harmony, always seeking something new, better and more perfect. And then, she walked into my life and brought serenity with her, suddenly making all of the above dull and insignificant.
“I miss the ocean…” Jenna said, returning me to reality.
“Me too,” said a girl, sitting next to her. “Mom wouldn’t let me swim in the ocean anymore.”
“Why?” I asked, with an effort tearing my gaze away from Ivy.
“She’s a terrible swimmer. She says she won’t be able to save me if the water takes me too far away.”
“Do you like swimming?”
“I love it. But I guess mom is right. I can’t see where I swim anymore. It is dangerous.”
“What about swimming in a pool?”
“We live in the countryside, we don’t have a pool there.”
An idea came to my head. “What if…” I looked at Ivy. “What if you spend one of your next classes in a hospital pool? All of you. Does everyone here know how to swim?”
“Yes! Yes!” The kids replied.
“What do you think, Ivy?”
“Well, it’s a great idea. If we manage to get their parents’ permission, of course.”
“I’ll talk to a friend of mine who still works in the hospital where Emery and I worked. They have a pool there. It’s used for physiotherapy. It’s not too deep. The kids will be safe there.”
“Thank you, Stanley. Really… It’s something I’m sure they will enjoy.”
I looked at my watch. “Damn it, I gotta go now. I have one more operation scheduled for today.”
“Oh, okay.” Ivy looked a little disappointed. “I’ll walk you out.” She turned to the kids, thanked them for coming to the class and wished them a nice day. The kids said good-bye to me and said they wouldn’t mind me joining more of their classes with Ivy. I couldn’t say ‘no’ to this.
“I’ll come back to spend another hour with you, I promise,” I said, before Ivy and I left the classroom.
“You are so busy at work, you don’t need to come to my classes,” she said, walking with me down the hall.
“But I want to.” I took her hand in mine and kissed her palm. “Besides, it will give me another chance to spend some time with you.”
She stopped walking and smiled. “It doesn’t look like you have a problem with finding excuses to see me.”
“Guilty. But I can’t help it. It’s all your fault, you know?”
“My fault?”
“Of course. I can’t stop thinking about you, Ivy…”
I bent down slowly, suddenly feeling like stealing a kiss from her. I gave her a chance to stop me. I knew she knew what was coming next. But no resistance stood in my way.
The moment of anticipation carried on forever, teasing my need to touch her again. My heart beat so loud in my chest, I thought I would have a heart attack. Then again, if someone warned me about it, I would still go for it, just to feel her rapid breathing tickle my lips, to feel the heat radiating from her, to see the battle crossing her features, and then feel the surrender pushing her to the edge.
One last move and her lips covered mine, softly, slowly, both asking and giving, pleading and demanding more.
Sounds and voices echoed in my head, dispersing into dust the world around us.
There was nothing left but us. Both a little scared to give in to the temptation so powerful it would shatter the ground benea
th our feet. She made me weak, so weak, I could fall to my knees and never get up again, if she were not there to give me a hand. A man to the bone, I was supposed to be tough. But I wasn’t ashamed to admit my weakness. Because it made me strong enough to risk everything I had just to get one thing that I felt like I’d been lacking my whole life – her…
Breathless, we dived into the kiss that felt both dangerous and comforting in ways that no theory of philosophy would ever be able to explain.
If a few weeks ago I thought I was completely unprepared to let Ivy Ryan capture my heart, now I knew it beat for her and for her only. She kept a hold of me that I didn’t want to break free from. It was like after forever of pushing the wrong doors I finally opened the right one, letting everything that had been hidden behind it flow into me, fill me up with light, hope and… Love?
Was it love that brought Ivy and me together? I wasn’t looking for love, but one look at Ivy was enough to know there would be no turning back. She was like a song that once heard becomes your favorite; a song that I wanted to listen to non-stop.
She broke the kiss and touched my lips with her trembling fingers; her whisper was barely audible, filled with pain and something unhoped, but so real.
“I’ve known misery enough to turn me into dust,” she said. “Yet I let you take my breath away, and I have no idea if that is a good thing or not, but I seem to be unable to stop whatever is going on between us, Stanley… Even if what I have and who I am is so little it would fit in a tiny box, I…want to give it all to you. All of me – will you take it? Will you let me turn your life into a mess? With breakdowns, overflowing emotions, doubts, fears and…”
“Yes, Ivy. I want it all. I want you to be a part of my life, the best part of it.”
She blinked, and I saw a few tears escape her eyes. “If you ever decide it’s not what you want, I will understand. I’ve been there before, Stanley. I know how easy hearts break. And I’m not sure I’m capable of letting anyone so deep under my skin again.”
I cupped her face in my palms and brought her lips to mine, saying into them, “You are everything I want. This will never change.”