I’d known Olly since we were seven. We were in the same Primary School and after three years of being in different classes, we were forced together when our teachers thought it exciting to mix up our classes for Junior School.
In Year Three we were sat alphabetically in boy girl formation, a humorous concept for the nonbinary among us. Sat between me, Samuel Addison, and him Oliver Andrews was a girl, Louise Alexandra. It only took until Christmas for her to give up and swap seats, and trays with me, whilst my teacher turned a blind eye and pretended, she hadn’t noticed that we’d swapped seats.
Olly and I were practically inseparable from then on, we played football together on a Sunday. We took long bike rides on Saturday’s around parks and beaches and anything vaguely flat enough that we could soar over, and we begged our Dad’s to let us go to afterschool club on a Wednesday just so we could be together for longer. Sleepovers happened once a month, alternating from my house to his on a regular cycle and this never really stopped.
When we moved on from Junior school, up into Secondary, we met Chandler, the quiet tall boy who hid underneath the peak of his cap, that our teachers put up a valiant effort to try and get him to take it off. He was in our form class, and had barely been there a day before Olly set his eyes on him. Olly had stated to me that he thought it unfair that everyone else seemed to had made friends whilst Chandler remained sat in the corner alone reading a manga.
He was off to talk to him before I even had a chance to comment and although Chandler told him he liked to be alone, and to leave him that way, a friendship formed. Olly pestered him practically every day of our first week, wanting to make sure he felt included and like he had friends. Chandler finally gave on the Friday of our first week, and he hadn’t sat with anyone else since, but he outright refused to play football with us, although his house quickly joined the monthly sleepover rotation.
They had been my best friends collectively for nine years now, and it had been hard, two years ago when we all started in separate universities. Which was when the holidays started, to ensure we got our fill of sleepovers for the year.
I sighed as I walked away from Chandler, using the rain to clean my toothbrush as he held his in his mouth so he could use his hands to pee. I laughed as I opened the flap of the tent to Olly and Frankie sat between the beds crossed legged, their knees together. Frankie’s tongue out as he concentrated whilst lining Olly’s eyes with a pencil. He was still wearing my hoodie, just now with a pair of his purple skinny jeans, as they’d both obviously finally gotten out of bed and dressed whilst Chandler and I were brushing our teeth.
“Is it raining baby?” Frankie said as he turned to look at me, using his thumb and finger on the tip of the pencil.
“It passed raining a while back. I think God’s trying to wipe us out again.” I said as I took my windbreaker off lying it open on my bed.
“Where is Chandler?” Olly asked as he opened his eyes then blinked a few times.
“When nature calls.” I said, Olly laughed.
“We fleshed out the metaphor.” Olly said, I frowned, “you know, I told him about the nonbinary butterflies and he was excited.”
“Yes.” Frankie said nodding, “you hate the term feminine as much as I do.” He said, I hummed at him, “so, what if we used Olly’s metaphor instead… on days you feel…”
“Feminine.” I said, he nodded as I sat beside him, he grinned as his fingers ran through my hair.
“You only need say you feel butterfly.”
“Butterfly.” I whispered, he grinned, “and masculine?”
“Caterpillar.” He said then held the back of my head, “and if you feel scared to be butterfly, or you don’t really know where you stand, you can tell me that you feel cocoon and I’ll help you.” He whispered; I began to nod.
I had come out to Olly and Chandler when we were fifteen, the same night Chandler had declared that he was asexual, and Olly had laughed and told us he was gay.
I hadn’t done it there and then, they both knew I was pansexual, they’d known that for years no one was surprised by this, but I was far less embarrassed by my pansexuality than me being nonbinary. We were lying on Olly’s bedroom floor. All of us because Olly refused to sleep in his bed when we stayed at his house.
The lights were out, and our conversation had reached that beautiful point when a reply took half an hour and no-one remembered the conversation when we woke up. I was lying there wide awake, far too many things running through my mind, pissed that Olly and Chandler could seemingly sleep, and then I said it,
I think I’m nonbinary
And they both woke up, moving like caterpillars in their sleeping bags to be next to me, and to talk through it with me for what felt like hours to follow.
We established;
Sam is not a girl. Nor is he saying he’s a girl, but sometimes leans more towards that way – and that is okay.
Sam still prefers he, him pronouns but would like to make it clear this doesn’t make him less nonbinary
Sam doesn’t really know the ins and outs of it yet, but he is sure he is nonbinary.
Sam wants his friends to know how much he appreciates them and please don’t leave Sam, because he doesn’t think he could handle that.
Sam is thinking of going to this group, Rainbow Connection, and Sam is shit scared.
“Do we have any plans for today, or are we just going to continue hiding from the rain?” Chandler asked as he came in, he took his cap off and ruffled his hair little droplets coming off it.
“I vote hiding.” Frankie said raising his hand, I laughed as Olly also did.
“I vote food.” Chandler said,
“Now I am torn. Shit.” I said widening my eyes at Frankie as he laughed.
“How about, we go and get some food?” Chandler said, I began to nod to him. “And you two, don’t cause too much trouble.” He said, Olly laughed as Frankie grinned at him.
“I am making no promises.” Olly said, “Frankie’s going to teach me how to have sex with someone without knowing them for about three years.”
“As your record speaks for itself.” Chandler said, Olly pulled his tongue at him as Frankie reached for me, I reached back.
“Can you get my vape?” he said amused, “it’s in my bag.” He added so I nodded kneeling next to his bag and opening it, and searching through his clothes until I found the reason, he’d asked me to get it. “Not there.” He said softly, “and don’t worry, I’m not on.” He said amused, “they’re just there for security, you never know.” He added grinning at me.
“Where is it?”
“The front. Hopefully.” He said widening his eyes at me as I unzipped the front, finding his vape with a packet of refills. I took a puff of it, blowing it out as I handed it to him.
“What is that?” I said, pulling a face at him, he laughed as he took a puff himself.
“Mint.” He said, then shook his head, “not here for it?” he asked, I pulled my tongue at him, as he offered it to Olly.
“Burger?” Chandler asked, Olly nodded as he took a puff himself.
“Please.” Frankie said nodding to me, “but…”
“No lettuce, no tomato, no mayo. I know.” I said, he grinned blowing a kiss to me as I put my windbreaker back on, nodding to Chandler as he put his cap on then high-fiving him before going back out into the rain.
We sat on the patio, with Chandler’s deep metal bowl in the middle of us, the rain continuing to fall like a sheet as he snapped branches and created kindling to keep our little mini campfire going. Olly had sparked the idea, when we returned with the burgers, he had turned to Chandler and said matter-of-factly,
“You have a lighter.”
To which Chandler had nodded coyly because he still liked to believe none of us knew he smoked, then Olly had turned to Frankie, his cheeks red as he said,
“You have tampons?”
And Frankie had nodded laughing with no shame as Olly declared.
“We can
have a fire.” With some glee, so we sat on the patio, shielded by the overhead canopy, taking turns in keeping the fire, that was started with a tampon, going. Whilst Olly stuck marshmallows on the end of sticks and Chandler cut up an apple.
“Now this isn’t too bad.” Chandler said as he looked out towards the rain. “I accept the field as a holiday.” He stated, Frankie knocked his marshmallow against mine, grinning at me before resting his head on my shoulder, watching as our marshmallow’s melted together.
“Happy?” Frankie whispered, I nodded as I tried to pull our marshmallows apart.
“Happy.” I agreed, as Olly nodded.
“I’m secretly happy we didn’t go into the crowds today.” He almost whispered then ate his marshmallow. “It was honestly a bit much.” He added then looked at Chandler as they rocked together.
“But you’d still like to find someone to have sex with?” Chandler said, Olly laughed childishly.
“Yeah.” He whispered, “come on the only guy I’ve ever slept with I knew for so long.” He said then he sighed, “and my half-brother set me up with him, so…”
“Half-brother?” Frankie asked, Olly nodded slowly.
“Before me and my sister were born, my Mum was a surrogate for her best friends. They’re gay and they wanted a baby, she ended up having twins. They’ve always been our half brother and sister.” He shrugged, “but, my half-brother is quite good at the whole sex thing, and I am not.”
“Who was it?” Chandler asked frowning at Olly,
“Just a boy.” He teased, “doesn’t matter, not really but I haven’t had anyone since then, and I just want to have some fun.”
“Adam.” I said, Frankie laughed.
“Oh my god yes I’m sure Adam would be willing.” He said as he laughed, “you will find someone, in fact I’m sure you will. Stick with me kid.” He said softly, Olly laughed.
“Score.” He whispered as Chandler shook his head and spired an apple piece with his stick.
❋
Chapter Five
The tent filled with light, it was quick could be missed but I saw it, as the tent illuminated itself, the rain suddenly stopping the comforting pitter-patter on the top as the sky held it’s breath.
One elephant. I turned towards Chandler and Olly, they were both well asleep, and had been for a while so I turned back to Frankie. Two elephants. He still slept on, looking peaceful as he held onto the strings of my hoodie that he was still wearing. Three elephants. I moved a little closer to him, my head close to his, as I carefully rested my hand onto his side.
Stroking over his body as the thunder cracked. It was a long sound, that reminded me of when I dropped all the pans onto the kitchen floor because I’d opened the cupboard without checking how Dad had stacked them. I felt as Frankie startled, his head raising quickly and butting my nose as he did, I gasped covering my mouth at the quick and blunt pain I could feel as he opened his eyes and frowned at me,
“That tickles.” He stated, I laughed as I sat up, moving my hand away and trying to see through the darkness whether my nose was bleeding.
“Sorry, did I wake you?” I whispered, he nodded slowly before sitting with me, turning my head and lowering my hand.
“I’ll get you a tissue.” He whispered as he got off the bed, the tent filling with light again. He looked up towards the canvas roof, freezing where he was stood, so I cleared my throat.
“Tissue.” I said, he began to nod quickly searching through his bag, pulling out his wash bag and bringing it back to the bed. Cuddling himself into me as he put the bag on my legs and began to look through it for the tissues. He found them as the thunder cracked again, his entire body shaking against me so I wrapped my arm around his shoulders, as I took the tissue and held it against my nose. As he stroked over my leg.
“I’m sorry for butting you.” He said, he sounded somewhat guilty, as he tugged on my joggers.
“I shouldn’t have tickled you, right?” I asked,
“Right.” He replied amused, then looked up again as the tent was bright. I took the opportunity to look at the tissue, seeing the blood on it, so I sighed as I felt Frankie’s grip tighten on my leg. I put my hand over his as he closed his eyes listening as the thunder appeared to get closer.
He had been very drunk when he had admitted he was scared of thunder. It had just been the two of us, post Pride the year I was eighteen and he still seventeen. I had invited him back to my house and we continued to drink late into the night. Until we ran out of alcohol and we just sat and talked, because neither of us could actually sleep. He admitted it almost absently and without being provoked, but when I mentioned it to him, when he was sober he completely brushed me off, declaring that he wasn’t afraid of thunder, and laughing for almost far too long so I never mentioned it again because he was obviously embarrassed by this.
I just made sure I was there for him if thunder struck, whether that was over text, or through a phone call, or by letting him butt my nose and make it bleed so he was distracted for the duration of the storm. It was a short spurt of thunder, the rain pitter-pattering again after the third strike,
“I’m sorry.” He whispered, “here.” He added pulling my hand away from my nose and giving me a wet wipe. I laughed as I wiped the now dried blood from my nose. He tilted my chin back sighing lightly as he stroked over my lips, taking the wipe from me and wiping my lips. “I think you’ll survive baby.” He said, I laughed as I touched my nose lightly, “don’t worry you’re still very pretty.” He added looking apologetic as he scrunched the wipe up in his hand.
“Are you okay?” I asked, he nodded to me, frowning almost too intensely.
“Why would I be okay?” he asked, I shook my head.
“You head might’ve hurt; you know with the impact.” I said,
“Oh.” He said thoughtfully, then he shook his head, “I’m good.” He added then smiled at me, so I smiled straight back.
We dropped Chandler in the retro game tent, agreeing we’d come back and get him so we could eat together before beginning our trek back to the train station. He had agreed without much hesitation, waving us off and disappearing to play Space Invaders and Pac Man, whilst Frankie and I linked our arms around each of Olly’s and began to walk him across the field.
It had at least stopped raining, and the sun shone down on us like it hadn’t rained at all, even though the path down to the field completely contradicted that, and had become a fully functioning mudslide, which Chandler and I had trailed to its fullest extent on our way down this morning.
“You do this all the time?” Olly asked, we both laughed.
“Not all the time.” I said,
“No, we’re not sluts.” Frankie almost sang,
“You help each other get sex?” Olly said, he sounded like he almost didn’t believe it, I frowned at him, he shrugged.
“No.” Frankie said as he looked around the crowds. “We don’t help each other, we just tag team.” He said, then he smiled at someone, I followed his gaze. “Sam where do you lie today?”
“Easy.” I said, then smiled at him, “boy, girl, whatever.”
“I feel like it’d be fun to like both.” Olly said thoughtfully as he sighed, “being just gay can be such an effort sometimes.” He added, I laughed then stopped and smiled at the boy who was examining me or at least I think he was examining me. I turned around looking at both Frankie and Olly before looking back at the boy who was laughing softly before making his way towards me.
“I was definitely looking at you.” He said as he approached me,
“Me? What do you want with me?” I asked grinning at him as he shrugged dramatically,
“I was being amazed that I haven’t seen you this weekend.” He said thoughtfully, “I feel like I’d have definitely noticed you before now.” He said, I shrugged lightly.
“Well, here I am.” I said softly, then looked over my shoulder as Frankie laughed and turned with Olly away from us. “And it looks like I’m all yours.”
“All mine?” he repeated, I nodded as he took a drink out of his plastic cup, he looked thoughtful, “I think I like the sound of that.” He said nodding, I nodded back.
“Well, why don’t we get to know each other? A little better.” I suggested, he grinned. “Your tent?” I asked, he nodded quite quickly, almost enthusiastically so I laughed. “Show me the way.” I said as I turned so I was stood next to him. I extended my arm, telling him to lead the way then I followed him, walking past Frankie and Olly and pulling my tongue at them, making Olly laugh as Frankie shook his head at me as we walked out of the field.
“Harry.” He said, then smiled, “by the way.”
“Sam.” I said nodding, “who are you here with?”
“Friends.” He said shrugging, “we’ve all just finished college, so we’re celebrating, probably not going to see each other much after this.” He said, then he frowned at me, “sorry, did that verge on oversharing.”
“No.” I said amused, “how old are you?”
“Eighteen.” He said softly, I nodded.
“Nineteen.” I said, he looked at me.
“Who are you here with?”
“Friends from school. You know, the good ones.” I said lightly, he grinned.
“And they aren’t going to miss you?” he asked as we began to weave our way through the rows and rows of tents.
Until we stopped at a bright orange one.
“No. They won’t miss me at all.” I said happily as he unzipped his tent. It was surprisingly tidy, but so was ours so I guess it wasn’t surprising at all.
There was a thick cloud of something that had been sprayed, whether it was on himself or to mask whatever the tent smelt like. The tent itself was like a sauna, the sun battering down on the material making it heat up like an oven.
“Who are you sharing with?” I asked as we zipped the flynet shut, leaving the actually door unzipped to ensure some air actually flowed into the tent.
Butterfly Boys Page 5