Butterfly Boys

by Cameron James

  “You can clipper my hair, if you want.” I said raising my eyebrow at him, he turned to look at me then grinned.

  “I’ll hold you to that Samuel.”

  “I’m going to have to go, class starts tomorrow.” Olly said, I nodded to him as Chandler did, their faces either side of my computer screen. “Talk to Frankie, Sam. He can’t stay annoyed at you forever.”

  “I don’t even know what I did.” I muttered; Chandler laughed as he sighed.

  “Mate. Just don’t ask questions, just tell him you’re sorry and move on.” He said, I smiled as Olly rolled his eyes.

  “Yeah, that sounds healthy.” Olly muttered; I shook my head as I rubbed my eyes. “I’ve really got to go.” He said amused,

  “Enjoy your first day back Ol, send me a message when you’re free.” I said, he nodded then blew a kiss to us. We both waved back watching as his video turned off. Chandler sighed as I did, then we both laughed.

  “I think we got a minute by minute account of that train journey.” He said, I smiled as he shook his head. “He isn’t wrong though. First day back tomorrow, I should really go to bed.”

  “Me too.” I muttered,

  “You’ll be fine. You and Frankie.” He said, I sighed as I nodded.

  “I know.” I said nodding, “yeah, I know. We’ll play some Destiny soon.”

  “It’s on.” He said laughing, “bye Sam.” He waved, I waved back. Watching as his video closed on my screen then exiting the window. Opening up my timeline and scrolling through it. Until the little red (1) caught my attention, so I clicked on it. Frowning at the notification from a name I didn’t know.

  Marc Beck has commented on your photo in non-binary support UK so I clicked on it, the picture was posted weeks back as a part of a group wide hashtag. It was a simple selfie of me, my earphones over my shoulders.

  My cap casting a shadow over my face, my teams football shirt on, the sky beautifully blue behind me, the sun a glowing dot in the corner. I had liked the selfie. Frankie had liked the selfie. In fact Frankie had insisted I post it, everywhere it had been my profile picture for most of the summer, only being taken over by a picture Riley had gotten at Pride. The comment was simple.

  Aren’t you just a boy though???

  And more followed.

  Some people are masc and some people are just boys.

  Who are you kidding?

  Honey, maybe leave this page for the actual enbies.

  You’re cute but deffo just a boy x

  Let me guess you wore a pink shirt once or went to pride parade and felt left out, fucking cishets invading everyone’s space.

  Get off this page. Maybe a football page is more your style?

  How do you deal with being a blue? Have you won at all in your lifetime?

  Pretty boy! Xx

  Bet you use he/him pronouns, right? Ever felt dysphoria? No, didn’t think so. You don’t belong here.

  What are you doing here? Are you using nonbinary as an excuse to like boys?

  CW: Not a real nonbinary person in photograph.

  I slammed my laptop shut. Closing my eyes as I took a few deep breaths, then covered my mouth as I felt a tear down my cheek.

  ❋

  Chapter Thirteen

  I gasped for breath as I leant my hands on my knees, then standing back up straight, pushing my hair back through my fingers, feeling as it stuck with the sweat that had gathered. Taking my earphones out, letting them dangle over my t-shirt as I closed my eyes.

  “You’re looking a bit bedraggled.” Riley said, I opened my eyes looking at him as he stood just outside of the gate smiling at me, I smiled back as I felt my breathing begin to steady.

  “Been… running.” I breathed, he rose an eyebrow at me, “ran… from uni… four… miles.”

  “Impressive.” He said, I smiled at him. “Running to clear your head?”

  “Something like that.” I said, then swallowed hard.

  “Come in, I’ll get you some juice.” He said nodding towards the centre so I nodded back, following him in. Successfully avoiding all the after-school kids as they ran from hall to hall, their voices loud as they laughed and yelled instructions to each other. A lot of them shouting their hellos to Riley as he passed until we reached the kitchen.

  “Husband.” Riley said as he walked in, then towards Kieran, kissing him softly before turning to scan the room.

  “Grandson.” He added nodding to Luca who was sat on the kitchen counter.

  “Grandpa.” Luca replied amused.

  “What is grandson doing here?” he asked as he reached for the jug of orange juice. He poured it into a cup that had Halloween pumpkins on it, then passed it to me. I nodded my thanks as I took a sip out it.

  “Grandson is here because son-in-law is working late and eldest son sent Dad a text asking to be at home for Luca, but Dad had to come to work.”

  “I feel thoroughly caught up.” Riley said, “do you?” he asked, I nodded.

  “Thoroughly.” I said, he smiled then squeezed Kieran’s arm.

  “Let’s talk Sam.” He said holding the door open so I stepped through it. He walked me outside towards the football pitch.

  “Do I just look like I have an issue?” I asked, he shook his head.

  “No, but my youngest talks.”

  “Dammit Oakley.” I said, he almost laughed.

  “Why aren’t you and Frankie talking?”

  “I think you’ll find; Frankie isn’t talking to me.” I said, we looked at each other at the same time. “All I was going to do was go on a date with Hannah and all of a sudden he doesn’t even want to see me.”

  “Oh.” He said, I frowned at him. “I get it.” he said nodding, I exhaled.

  “Everyone seems to get it but me.” I muttered; Riley laughed as he squeezed my shoulder.

  “I honestly think it’ll sort itself out Sam.” He said then scrunched his nose at me, “but I do think you need to change your t-shirt.” He added as he wiped his hand on my arm. I laughed nodding to him, taking my backpack off and pulling out a change of shirt.

  “You told us to bring something to change into.”

  “Ah… I did.” He said nodding then he laughed. “Come up once you’ve changed Sam, you can help me set up.”

  “Set up?” I repeated, he nodded smiling at me, a far too big smile that to me indicated he was up to something. I sighed as I turning around, heading towards the toilets so I could change.

  Enzo and Caleb had arrived when I got upstairs.

  Enzo and Riley were sat facing each other on mats whilst Caleb cut up a melon. They turned to look at me smiling as I dropped my backpack against the wall.

  “What are we doing?” I asked, Enzo turned to look at me, laughter playing on zir face as Riley bit his lip.

  “Yoga.” He said, I choked as Caleb laughed.

  “This is one hundred percent Enzo’s fault.” They said then looked back at me, “zie mentioned how the pregnancy and the move and everything else has been stressing zir out, so, of course Riley’s first thought is…”

  “Yoga.” I said,

  “Yoga.” Caleb agreed then smiled somewhat fondly at Enzo and Riley. I watched them for a few seconds, until I sighed.

  “Can I ask you something?” I said, they turned to look at me, frowning but not at all harshly,

  “Of course.” They said then shook their head, “but are you sure you mean me? Riley, even Enzo…”

  “No, I mean you.” I said, “I need you.” I added, they frowned again, then nodded so I sighed as I watched them finish cutting up the melon. “Something happened, and I was, I don’t know wondering how you…” I bit my lip.

  “What happened?” they asked, I glanced up at them, “well?”

  “This…” I said softly as I unlocked my phone, they took it from me, smiling briefly at the picture before scrolling down and through the comment section.

  “These groups are trash.” They said, I sighed, “honestly Sam, they’re full of gatekeepers an
d people with nothing better to do with their time.”

  “But this isn’t the first time…” I said, they looked at me, I shook my head. “I know I look boyish. Alright, I totally know that. I present more masc always, I presume always have, being butterfly is far harder for me than…”

  “Butterfly?”

  “Yeah, we, Frankie and I we hate the word feminine, so we feel butterfly, or we feel caterpillar… it’s a thing.”

  “I love it.” they said, I almost smiled.

  “I just, I figured Oakley and Sky were never going to get how this feels, I mean I know they’ve faced abuse about being enby but unfortunately it’s completely different abuse. I thought maybe…”

  “Me?” they asked, I nodded slowly, “why me?”

  “I know you have XY chromosomes.” I said, they went to reply, “come on Caleb. You got Enzo pregnant, I think even Emma can work out that biology.” I said, they laughed.

  “Valid.” They said nodding,

  “I also know sometimes you present more caterpillar, than butterfly, so…”

  “You’re not wrong. Honestly. I’ve always kind of been called a gay boy, school was the best for it, going to an all-boys school, I couldn’t fully express my true gender until I left because I was a fairy, or a queer or whatever. When I came out as non-binary, I threw the extra curve ball of changing my pronouns and wow people’s true colours show.” They said, then they looked at me, “but Sam, do you feel comfortable like this?”

  “Like, this?” I asked lifting my t-shirt, they nodded. “Yeah, happy on caterpillar days, comfortable.”

  “Then don’t change a single thing about yourself. You know you’re non-binary, you know that’s how you identify, how you express yourself, you know all this don’t let internet trash tell you anything otherwise.”

  “But it hurt.” I whispered, they nodded.

  “I know, I know it’ll hurt, because some people are just mean, but you also come here every week and…”

  “None of you are.” I said, then looked towards the door as Sky, Oakley and Frankie came in. I sighed.

  “Trouble in paradise?” they asked, I looked back at them.

  “He’s not talking to me.”

  “Sounds like you need to buy some sunflowers.” They said, I frowned so they laughed. “When Riley was pregnant with Rory, the dysphoria was bad. He wasn’t ever really fully happy, Kieran however, wanted to make him smile, make him feel better so he bought him a bunch of sunflowers.”

  They shrugged, “now Rory gives Alistair them a lot, and Oakley used to run around after Mason giving him sunflowers. It became a running joke, but a lot of the time sunflowers will definitely make someone smile.”

  “You think I should give sunflowers to Frankie.” I said, Caleb shrugged softly.

  “That’s totally your call, but if you’re asking what I think, I think you should leave that group because it’s toxic and obviously not good for you. I think that if you’re happy and comfortable and know what you’re identifying as is right for you then you keep doing what makes you happy.”

  “Right.” I said nodding, they nodded back then held the plate of melon to me.

  “One of the things I actually love about this group, is that we’re all so vastly different. Riley and Enzo are nothing alike, me and you. Even Oakley and Sky, even though I know a lot of people will just assume they’re the same kind of person they’re not. Frankie…”

  “Frankie’s special.” I said, then frowned as Caleb raised their eyebrow at me.

  “Not one of us is a particular type of nonbinary person, Riley identified as trans male for years before he figured it out. Skylar was raised as they. You’re more masculine, Frankie’s more feminine, sorry, butterfly. We’re all different and I love that because it’s fact that there’s not one type of nonbinary person.” They said, I nodded as I thought.

  “Do you have dysphoria?”

  “Not as much anymore.” They said shaking their head, “because I essentially fixed the things that were broken. I made myself more comfortable, I made myself feel more like myself. Enzo’s interesting to talk to about dysphoria because zie has never really experienced it, all Enzo did was change zir name a few dozen times and figured out zir pronouns and given that Alistair, you know zir identical twin brother felt crushing dysphoria it’s an interesting difference. You never felt it?”

  “No.” I said softly, “I don’t think so anyway, the way Frankie describes it, I’ve never known that feeling. I’ve just always known something wasn’t quite right.”

  “I understand that.” They said, so I smiled at them. “And does saying you’re enby feel right?”

  “Yeah.” I said softly, they nodded.

  “Then it’s right, and amazingly, the internets wrong.” He added, I nodded. “Leave the group Sam, you don’t deserve that kind of negativity.” They said, I nodded again then turned as Riley called us in. We all sat on a mat without being told to.

  “We’re going to relax this week.” Riley said as they moved from sitting in front of Enzo to the mat beside zir. “I feel like a lot of us need to relax. Whether it’s through relationship issues, university stress, or pregnancy.” He looked at Enzo who smiled. “Take it away Caleb.” He added as Caleb sat on the mat in front of us all.

  “I’m going to take this slow, as we have multiple beginners and a five and a half months pregnant partner.” They grinned as Enzo nodded.

  “Thank you love of my life.” Zie said, as Caleb stood.

  “Shoes and socks off.” They said, I turned to look at Frankie as he tutted and pulled on the laces of his doc martens. I pushed off my trainers, putting my socks inside them then crossing my legs until Caleb made us all stand up.

  “End of your mat. Stand tall, feet together, shoulders relaxed. Take a deep breath, raise your arms above your head, reach up with your fingers. Another deep breath.”

  In

  One, two, three, four, five

  Out.

  In

  One, two, three, four, five

  Out.

  In

  One, two, three, four, five.

  Out.

  ⦁

  Frankie Cook has commented on your photo in non-binary support UK

  You should all be ashamed of yourselves. I don’t know what in your mind makes you think you’re better than Sam, but none of you are. Does every one in this group wear androgynous clothes every day? Does everyone in this group experience dysphoria? Does everybody in this group go by they/them pronouns? No. I am shocked because your comments would make me think that you do, and that of course you are all the pedestal of living a nonbinary life.

  The comments on this picture are disgusting. Did any of the keyboard warriors amongst us consider the person who posted this photograph? No, of course you didn’t. This is Sam Addison, only his Dad calls him Samuel, and only I can call him Sammy, and yes, he goes by HE/HIM pronouns. He is one of the most generous, loyal and caring people I know. He is athletic the fastest runner I think I’ve ever seen, he wants to be a PE teacher, and he Sam Addison is non-binary. It was harder for him to figure it out given his love for sportswear, his masc aesthetic but he is non-binary and no one in this group can say otherwise because you’d be 100% wrong.

  I hope everyone on this thread gets a chance to read this especially before the admins probably delete it for making sense and it not being slandering. I hope you all take a minute to remember when you figured out you were non-binary, enby, genderqueer, and how hard it was figuring it out the first few times.

  I hope the next time you see a picture of a masc nonbinary person you don’t ultimately jump on the bandwagon of telling them they’re not good enough, or they’re fake, or they’re wrong, because there are so many different ways to be nonbinary and Sam’s just so happens to be more masculine. I am removing myself from this group, as collectively this is not the kind of people I want to be around or associated with. I hope none of you are ever bullied like this, or invalidated. Have a nice
life ✌️

  I looked up from my phone towards my bedroom door as Frankie stood with two cans of coke. He held out one too me so I reached my hand out, receiving the can as he came into my room. I took it, cracking it open then raising it as he sat beside me on my bed, his arms wrapping around my middle, his head on my shoulder and then he sighed.

  ❋

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Coffee?” I asked, Hannah nodded then she smiled.

  “I can go and get…”

  “No, no my treat.” I said, she smiled as she looked away from me then she nodded.

  “Coffee yeah please, latte.” She said, so I went to the cashier, working my way through the line, then back to the table with the two coffees and the chocolate muffin I’d speculated over for far longer than necessary. We sat quietly for a little while, sipping on the coffees, until she picked up the knife. I watched her with a raised eyebrow until she cut the cake and I laughed. “What did you think I was going to cut the tension?” she said, I covered my mouth.

  “Well, I feel burnt.”

  “Is it weird that we had more to talk about when we’d just had sex?”

  “Weird.” I agreed, “I’m not much of a talker.” I added shaking my head, “prefer the standing in the corner agonising over every word until the conversations pass and I have to worry about catching up and figuring out if I actually know anything about the subject matter.”

  “Oh.” She said, I smiled.

  “Sorry. In school everyone used to call me Shy Sam, I figured they thought it was an insult, I just thought it was an apt description.” I said, she laughed.

  “You weren’t shy in the club.” She said, I wobbled my head at her. “In fact, you made the first move which you know is rare…”

  “Rare for me?”

  “Rare for me.” she said, I frowned. “I’m in a wheelchair Sam, boys our age don’t normally even see me, never mind come up to me and tell me how beautiful I look.”

  “It was true.” I said softly, “you did look beautiful, you do look beautiful.” I said nodding, she smiled so I smiled back.