“You’re sweet.” She said then laughed, “Shy Sam.” She added, so I looked into my coffee, then at my phone as it lit up on the table. “Oh.” She said, I looked up. “Who just text you?” she said, I frowned.
“Frankie.” I said softly, “it wasn’t a text, it was a snapchat but, I guess that doesn’t matter. Why?” I asked, she shook her head then put her napkin into her coffee.
“If you look at your phone like that, when his name comes up on it. You shouldn’t be on a date with me.”
“What?” I said shaking my head as she smiled at me, the smile soft. “I like girls too, I swear. I’m pansexual, not gay.” I said, she laughed as I shook my head. “But, wait no, I don’t like Frankie like that, Frankie’s my friend.”
“Okay.” She said amused, “but I have to go, I have class this afternoon, but let’s be… friends?”
“Friends.” I agreed, “okay.” I said softly, she smiled, kissed my cheek then left, so I sighed swiping open the notification from Frankie. A selfie of him and Skylar on their lunch break, a sparkly crown filter over them the photo that followed was of their two drawing pads Sky’s with multiple finger tips and nails on, half of them drawn on, and Frankie’s with an outline and somewhat design of a dress, the caption said ‘Working Lunch’. I smiled, as I tapped my screen to reply, turning my camera around to take a selfie then turning in my seat.
“Ben?” I said, he stopped where he was, turning towards me then he smiled.
“Sam.” He said happily, “oh my god Sam.” He said as I stood from my seat, hugging him as soon as I was close enough too. “How are you doing? I feel like I haven’t seen you in so long.”
“Good, all good, yeah, good.” I said, he laughed.
“Still good with the words I see.” He said, then lifted my chin, “don’t blush, it was your way with words that got me in the first place.” He said, I shook my head.
“Lies.” I whispered, he laughed. “I seem to remember you telling me, you liked watching me run around when I played football.” I said, he laughed.
“You looked good in the shorts.” He said shrugging. “Made me realise I was gay.” He added amused, so I grinned at him. “God, I used to love Sports Day.” He said, I laughed out in shock. “You’d compete in so many of the races. What do you do now? I presume you’re in uni no longer representing class 11FG as Sports Coach.” He said, I laughed.
“Yes Uni.” I said nodding then I bit my lip. “Sports Science.” I whispered, he gasped happily.
“You still want to be a PE teacher?”
“Yeah.” I said nodding then I laughed, “I guess so, or a sports coach, definitely with kids.”
“That’d be awesome.” He said, then he smiled softly at me, “you’d be awesome.”
“Thanks.” I whispered, “are you still doing your computer stuff?”
“Article Intelligence.” He said amused, “that’ll be what my degrees in anyway.”
“Oh, yeah right aliens.” I said, he laughed as he shook his head.
“Original Sam.” He said, so I knocked my shoulder against his.
“No, I know, you’re making computers smarter, without guys like you we wouldn’t be able to unlock our phones with our faces.”
“You know it.” he said happily, then looked towards the server.
“Do you want a coffee?”
“I came in for a coffee, but I’m thinking of something a little different.”
“A little different?” I asked, he nodded turning back to look at me.
“I’ll get the drinks, if you…”
“If I get the chips.” I said laughing, he nodded.
“You got it.” he said amused as he held his hand out to me, so I took it. Feeling as he squeezed my hand before walking with me out of the coffee shop. We walked until we got to a flat stretch of pavement, and we began to run. Letting go off hands, so I could run at my full speed. I got to the little hole in the wall chip place, long before he did, so I leant against it, grinning at him as he caught up to me.
“Brag all you like; I enjoyed the view.” He said, I smirked at him as I went into my pocket. Pulling out a five-pound note, waving it at him as he went into his wallet. We sat looking over the river as we ate our way through the portion of chips.
“Wait.” I said once our conversation had reached a natural silence, I had been accepting it and enjoying the comfortable silence as we ate the end of the chips until it occurred to me. “Why are you home? Shouldn’t you still be in university?”
“Yeah.” He said in a sigh, “been given a few days off, presuming I get my next assessment in on time.” He rolled his eyes.
“Why did you get time off?” I asked, he sighed.
“Nan.” He said softly, I shook my head.
“She…”
“She died last week, there was nothing anyone could do. Old age was technically the cause of death. I was going to message you, but it’s been three years.”
“I’d have still answered Ben.” I said, “I would’ve always have answered.”
“I thought, I don’t know I thought you’d moved on from me.”
“How could I ever move on from you.” I said, he smiled so I laughed. “Olly and I talk about you at least once a month.”
“You still talk to Olly?”
“He’s my best friend.” I said, he laughed as I knocked against his shoulder. “And Chandler.”
“Wow.” He said amused, “I feel like I’ve missed a party.” He said, I laughed then knocked his shoulder again. “Is he still obsessed with butterflies?”
“Of course.” I said amused, “He’s doing zoology so he could become a lepidopterist.”
“That’s incredible.” He said,
“I’m sorry about your Nan.” I said, he nodded.
“Thanks.” He whispered, “I’m here until Friday. The funerals Thursday.” He took a deep breath.
“And todays the day you get coffee.” I said, he laughed as he let his breath out.
“I didn’t want to be at home. Everyone’s very sad and I mean, I’m devastated, of course I am but I’m more of a internalise emotions rather than vocalise them.” he looked at me, “I’m going to be a wreck at the funeral, I know I will, for now, I’m just quietly sad.” He said, I rubbed his thigh.
“I’m happy to help distract you, today.” I said, he raised an eyebrow at me, “I have class tomorrow, and Thursday, but I can skip to support you.”
“You don’t have to Sam, honestly. Although, I’d be very happy to spend today with you.” He smiled; I bit my lip. “I don’t mean like that.” He whispered, then he laughed. “I also wouldn’t complain if it was like that.” He added thoughtfully as he looked over the river.
“It’s been three years since it was like that Ben.” I said, he laughed.
“Shit, of course. You’re probably spoken for, right?”
“No.” I whispered, “No, not really.” I said, he frowned at me.
“You’re lying. You’re not single. I will not have Sam Addison being single.”
“Well I’m sorry but I am. I’ll work on it though, maybe get on my Dad’s dating site.”
“Go Nick.” He said amused, “Has there been someone?” he asked, as he stroked his fingers through my hair. I shook my head.
“No. I, not since you. Which makes it sound like I’ve been pining after you for three years, which, I haven’t.”
“Ouch.” He said, I laughed.
“Hey! You left me.”
“I know, I know, I moved away for college, how very dare I.”
“Exactly. How very dare you.” I repeated, he grinned.
“I presume you’ve slept with other people though?”
“Yes.” I said nodding, “yes, I have.” I said laughing,
“And I’ve gotten better, thank you very much.”
“Prove it.” he whispered, I looked at him as he smirked. “Sorry, too forward?” he asked raising his eyebrows at me, I laughed.
“Don’t you want to
keep the memory of sixteen year old Sam who apparently didn’t even know his way around his own penis never mind someone else’s.”
“You were a baby.” He cooed as he held my chin, I laughed.
“So, where you.” I said hitting his hand away. “You were as much of a virgin as I was, that was kind of the point.”
“I didn’t sleep with you just to lose my virginity.”
“I know.” I whispered, “I was your boyfriend.” I cooed, he laughed as he shook my knee.
“Yeah you were.” He said, then leant his forehead against mine, “And I fucking loved you.” He whispered, I rose my eyeline to look at him, smiling as he looked down between us the smile soft almost unnoticeable, so I knocked his head up. Our noses stroking over each other, and then, I kissed him. He laughed softly as we moved away from each other, leaning our foreheads against the others, as I took a deep breath. “My house is like grief central right now… I…”
“Come back to mine.” I whispered, he laughed softly as I nodded. “My Dads.” I added he nodded with me then stood as I did, pulling me back towards him, holding my hand between us as we walked down the river.
“We don’t have to run there.” He almost whispered, “in fact lets enjoy the walk.”
“We’re not walking to my Dads.” I said laughing, he shook my hand, it moved all the way up my arm to my shoulder.
“You know I didn’t mean that.” He said as we turned towards the bus station.
I sat on the end of my bed as Ben looked around my room. He smiled fondly at most of the things he was looking at until he began to laugh, so I turned to look at what he was.
“Last day.” He said, turning back to me as he pointed at the four photographs stuck onto my noticeboard. The top was Chandler and me, our shirts only just starting to be signed, a few marks of pen on them but we were smiling, so widely, him especially as he was finally allowed to wear his beanie in school.
The next one down was Olly and I, our shirts mostly signed, our ties long removed, as we stood our backs facing the camera, SAM and 11FG wrote across my back, and OLLY and 11FG wrote on his. The third, was Ben and me, our shirts multicoloured, but merging together as I had my arms around his neck and we kissed.
The bottom was all four of us. Our arms around each other’s shoulders and waists. “I remember it so well.” He said shaking his head as he stroked his finger over the photo of him and me. I watched him do it, much like how I had when Frankie had asked who the boy, I was kissing in the photo was the first time he slept over. “That day I mean, not the entire five years.”
“Of course not.” I said laughing,
“I remember we finished school at half one, then we had an hour with Olly and Chandler. We went and had crepes, then they I think went home together.”
“Yeah, they got the bus home.”
“And we came back here.” He said turning to look at me so I nodded. “Because your Dad worked later than my parents. We came up here. We…”
“Tied our ties to my bed posts.” I said, he rose an eyebrow at me so I smiled as I lifted my duvet at the corners, showing him our school ties wrapped around my bedposts he laughed happily then came to me, using his knee to spread my legs.
“Then, we kissed.” He said, leaning towards me, lifting my chin and kissing me. “And then we had sex.” He whispered, I laughed.
“And then we fumbled around for half an hour, until we finally figured out which dick was going in which hole.”
“Hot.” He said nodding as he widened his eyes at me, so I pulled my tongue at him making him laugh then kiss me again, his hands sliding down my thighs until he could pick me up to lie me back onto my bed.
“You’re a top now.” I said, he laughed. “That’s hot.” I said, he rose his eyebrows at me.
“You want to be on top. Be my guest.” He said raising his arms, I bit my tongue as he shrugged at me, then I flipped him, sitting on the bottom of his stomach as he gasped in a laugh.
“You know I love it when you come home.” Dad said as I came down the stairs, I nodded to him stopping on the stairs as he looked up at me from sorting through his post. “But, Sam, son, fuck boys in your own house.” he said, I laughed.
“Special circumstance.” I said, Dad turned from going into the living room, frowning at me as I looked up the stairs. Smiling as Ben came down from the bathroom, he smiled back at me then looked at Dad over the banister.
“Ben.” Dad said sounding breathless as Ben waved.
“Nick.” He said then he continued down the stairs. Dad hugged him, it made me laugh.
“What are you doing back here son?” he asked as they broke the hug, Ben looked down at his feet.
“Nan’s funeral.” He said quietly, Dad looked regretful.
“Oh no, are you okay?” he asked, Ben nodded as Dad looked at me, “I best call your Mum, send my condolences.”
“Thanks.” Ben said softly as I continued to the bottom of the stairs. “I better go, thanks for… distracting me.” he said smiling at me, I grinned back as my Dad laughed.
“Distracting.” He said, I rolled my eyes then kissed Ben’s cheek.
“Message if you need me, don’t think I won’t reply.” I said, he nodded almost shyly as I opened the front door. He stepped through it. Dad and I both waved at the same time. I closed the door when he was far enough away. I looked away from Dad as I leant on it.
“When you say special circumstances?” Dad said, I rose my eyeline.
“His house is pretty occupied.”
“Understandable.” He said, I sighed, “you have a flat.”
“I didn’t want…”
“Want?” he asked almost frowning at me so I chewed on my lip.
“I didn’t want Frankie to see him.”
❋
Chapter Fifteen
“My do we look butterfly today.” Frankie said as I left my room, I stopped between our two doorways as Skylar and Oakley examined me.
“Too much?” I asked, Frankie shook his head.
“Heavens no. You look gorgeous.” He said affectionately so I went to him, letting him take my hand and examine me. “I just want to rip those pants off you.” He added; Skylar coughed.
“Get a room.” They said, I looked at them as Oakley grinned.
“In fact, you’ve got two, go to your rooms.” He said as he leant his chin on Skylar’s shoulder.
“Shush, I mean because those pants are just, something else.” He said shaking his head, as I looked down myself. The top was simply white, a v-neck, white top and nothing special. The pants were a red and grey tartan that I’d had for a number of years but hardly ever wore much to Frankie’s dismay.
“I love Sam’s butterfly days.” Skylar said happily as I sat on the stool beside Frankie. “I don’t know what it is but it makes me feel warm inside.” They said, then picked up their bag and stood. “I’ve got to get to class. I’ll see you for lunch.” They said to Oakley, kissing him softly then turned to us. “I’ll see you two, and them pants later.” We waved back, as they laughed and left.
“What are you doing today? You obviously don’t have a class.” Frankie said as he looked me up and down, I almost smirked as I shook my head.
“Not today.” I said softly, “in fact I don’t actually have anything planned right now.”
“Sacrilege. In that outfit.” Frankie gasped as Oakley laughed and went into his bedroom. “We could go shopping.” He said, he sounded hopeful.
“You have…” I said he waved his hand at me,
“Doesn’t matter. I’d much rather spend the day with you.” He smiled then looked towards my phone as it vibrated on the countertop, the sound violent so I touched the middle button. I had fully expected to see Ben’s name on the display, as we’d been texting late into the night and when I’d woke up, I’d realised it was my turn to message, so had fulfilled my texting duty before I had my shower. Instead, I saw DAD so I opened the message.
“Shit.” I whispered, as Frankie sighed.<
br />
“That mean what I think it means?” he said, I nodded slowly.
“Pizza always equals Mum, regardless of it being in physical form or emoji.” I said, then looked at him, as he examined me, his eyes scanning me as a whole. We both looked towards my phone when it vibrated again.
Dad: Sorry Sam. She messaged this morning, wants you to meet at a café at 1pm.
I looked at the clock at the top of my screen.
“Guess shopping’s out, you might as well go to class.”
“No, I’ll come with you.” He said, then he smiled.
“Well I’ll come into town with you. Wait outside for you.” He examined me again, “are you going to change?” he asked, I looked down myself then shook my head.
“Fuck her.” I whispered, “I feel butterfly today and I’m going to wear it.”
“Sam.” He shook his head, I did it back.
“I don’t want anything to do with her. I have never wanted anything to do with her. I don’t know why I boy myself up her.” I said then I rubbed my forehead. “Thank you for coming with me.”
“Just tell me one thing.” He said, I frowned. “What shoes are you going to wear with this outfit?” he said, I smiled as I leant my head on his shoulder.
I had a family unit for the first five years. For the first five years, there was Mum, Dad and me. From what my Dad has told me I wasn’t so much planned but also wasn’t really accidental. They had been together since school Mum and Dad. They were that couple that everyone whispered about, and were destined to be together for ever. They, much like myself, slept together on their last day of Year Eleven but, unlike myself their rendezvous ended up with a little bundle of joy, or well, me.
Allegedly she loved me at one point. There were loads of happy selfies of me and her, a lot with the dog filter. Lying on the bed next to her barely able to keep my eyes open because I’m so little. There are pictures of me with my Mum’s college class, sat on the table top in my baby seat snoozing away whilst the tutor spoke on about how to give the perfect massage, and pictures of me in Dad’s Sixth Form.
One of the last series of pictures she features in, is my Dad’s graduation. I’m four, turning five and look very excited although I’m pretty sure I have no idea what’s going on.
Butterfly Boys Page 13