I’m in my Nursery uniform as my Mum had picked me up from Nursery and took me to see Dad graduate. The last picture we had was one of the three of us, but the picture we displayed was of Dad holding me, smiling at me as I held his cap on my head. It was a few days later everything fell apart.
Dad only gave me the details once I was old enough to drink. We sat, over the kitchen table both drinking some of Dad’s whiskey, but not enough to get either of us drunk. He told me that they had spoke less and less, that they severely lost communication with each other.
Mum would drop me at Nursery, Dad would pick me up and it’d be just him and me until I went to bed most nights. He had confronted her about it, because he knew the hours of the salon she worked in, and she had shouted back at him. Over, and over. Until she finally admitted it. She finally admitted that she’d been sleeping around. Not just a continuous relationship but multiple men, on multiple occasions.
All the adults in my life had tutted saying they were so young, twenty-one was so young to have a child and to be a happy family. All the kids in my life pointed and laughed telling me that my Mum didn’t love me. One of my earliest memories was my Dad picking me up from Year One. He took me to one of the nearby parks and we played some light football.
Nothing too structed, nothing too serious just mostly running around after the ball then he took me to Pizza Hut for my tea. I was eating my pizza when he broke the news that my Mum had left. He didn’t tell me much he just said;
‘Sam, your Mummy loves you. Very much, but she won’t be living with us anymore. From now on, it’s just me and you kid.’
According to my Dad I nodded and asked him if I could have ice cream for afters. He had laughed, ruffled my hair and said of course I could.
She had started dating Lorenzo three or four years ago, when he’d just about left the cradle. I had made my feelings on him very clear, both that he was attractive and that I thought he could do better.
“That’s your Mum?” Frankie said as we stood outside of the café Dad had told me to meet her at, I turned to look at him, raising my eyebrow as he bit his lip. “Sorry. That was judgemental. I…”
“Don’t apologise.” I said laughing, “she’s… not what anyone would expect when you say Mum.” I said nodding, he hummed.
“How do you feel?” he whispered, I nodded slowly.
“Butterfly.” I said, he smiled. “And good, honestly good.”
“Good.” He whispered then kissed my cheek. “I’m here if you need me. I won’t go far.”
“Thank you.” I said smiling at him, he grinned back then waved as I walked away from him, slipping my hands into my pockets as I walked into the café. I stood behind the chair opposite where she was sat, watching as she scanned me. Her eyes taking in every part of me.
“Well, sit down Sam.” She said, I sighed, “make it look like you’re staying.”
“I’d rather not.” I said, then shrugged as I pulled out the chair. “I thought the deal was one meeting a year. My birthday that was it.”
“I’ve got something to tell you.” She said, I frowned as she examined me again. “Why are you dressed like that?”
“I like this outfit.” I said shrugging, she shook her head.
“It’s not you.” She said shaking her head, “you’re not some kind of…”
“Of?” I asked, “Go on you can say the Q word.”
“Faggot.” She said, I stared her out.
“What do you need to tell me?”
“I’m moving.”
“You couldn’t have texted that?” I asked, she almost scowled.
“To Spain.”
“Good.” I said nodding, “good, good. For Lorenzo, I guess?”
“He asked me to move over. He’s got a job, in a bar.”
“Good for Lorenzo.” I said nodding, “will that pay for him to go to college?” I asked, she shook her head tutting as she looked out the window. I looked with her; Frankie was sat on a bench that circled a statue. He was scrolling through his phone, biting his thumb nail although Sky would cause hell if they knew he was doing that. I almost smiled.
“When do you go?” I asked, we looked back at each other.
“Next week.” She said nodding, I nodded back. “Don’t you want to ask me anything? Say anything to me?”
“Not really.” I said, then I gasped. “You’ll still send your guilt money, right?”
“Guilt money?” she repeated; I covered my mouth.
“Whoops, child support.”
“I’ve never sent child support.” She said, I frowned. “Ever Sam.” She said then looked at her nails. “Don’t you know how hard it’s been getting by the last few years. Oh Sam you have no idea.”
“You don’t send the money Dad gives me.” I said, she tutted at me as she frowned.
“Aren’t you listening?” she said, I shook my head. “I don’t send anything for you, especially now I know what you would be spending it on.” She muttered; I rolled my eyes.
“Better than what you spend it on.” I said, she laughed.
“You’re just like your father.” She said, I rose an eyebrow.
“Good.” I said nodding as I sat up.
“He never understood me.” she said shaking her head, iIt’s why it didn’t work.”
“Oh so it wasn’t you shagging other guys.” I said, she laughed.
“More like his want to.” She said, I smirked.
“My Dad being bisexual is not what ended your relationship.”
“What do you know, you were five?”
“All I knew was that my Mum didn’t love me.” I said, she looked at me, so I bit my lip.
“Is that your boyfriend?” she asked nodding out of the window, I frowned then looked towards Frankie.
“No.” I said softly,
“Good.” She said, I narrowed my eyes. “Shouldn’t be associating yourself with fairies like that. Probably why you’re dressing like this.” She said, I looked back at her. “Now, he’s what we’d call as Queer.”
“You don’t even know him.” I said,
“It’s obvious. Don’t let him turn you gay Sam.”
“Do you even have a basic grasp on how biology works?” I said,
“This isn’t you Sam, all of this, you like football and bikes just like a real boy.”
“I’m not a boy.” I said,
“Oh are you going through one of those made up genders phases? I’d have never allowed it.” she said tutting, “all these stupid words that mean nothing, you need to get your head out of the clouds, and need to stop talking to that...”
I stood, obviously shocking her as she stopped speaking.
“Good riddance.” I said, then I left, leaving the café, walking away from the door as I wrapped my arms around my body. I sniffed as I felt arms wrap around me, then I was turned, I lowered my head burying my head into his shoulder as he stroked through my hair.
"Right." I heard my Dad's voice before he violently swung open my door, “something my mother, your nana taught me, never let your teenager mope for more than an hour. Otherwise they become those annoying people who think the world is attacking them." He declared, I decided to continue to ignore him. "So Samuel, spit it out."
"Impressive alliteration." I mumbled then I turned my head, looking at him trying to figure out the emotion he thought I was feeling. “And I’m twenty, I’m not a teenager.”
“You bought more shoes.” He said, I looked back at him as he examined the Vans bag that was sat at the end of my bed. “What did she say to you Sam?” he asked as he sat at my feet. His hand shaking my knee so I took a deep breath.
“She’s moving to Spain.” I said.
“Oh.” He replied, “is that all?” he asked, I shook my head.
“She’s never sent money.” I said then I sat up, pulling my legs into my chest as Dad sighed. “Why did you do that?”
“You wouldn’t have taken it if I’d have told you it was from me.”
“Tru
e.” I said softly, he rose his eyebrow at me so I shook my head. “She doesn’t love me.” I said, he sighed.
“She wanted you. As much as I did.” He said, “I swear to you Sam. I know things started going wrong but when we found out we were adamant that we were going to have you, love you and raise you.” He said, I looked down.
“She called me a faggot.”
“She what?” he said, I looked up because he sounded angry.
“She called Frankie….” I said, I sounded sad, so he sighed.
“You got angry?”
"I was angry." I replied,
"Then?" He queried,
"Then I got sad. Currently I feel crappy. I stood up to her, no-one talks about Frankie badly and gets away with it, but I feel as if I just didn't do enough."
“What about yourself?” he said, I shook my head,
“That doesn’t matter. Not as much.”
“I understand he's your best friend, but why so defensive?"
"She was making fun of how he identified, making fun of his gender, I couldn't stand for that." I said,
"His gender?" Dad asked and I could hear and see the confusion as he repeated it back to me, so I studied him.
I looked at him, I looked at his eyes and the utter confusion in his expression, then I looked away, I closed my eyes because it was too difficult.
I had always told him everything, ever since it was just him and me, there were no secrets, you tell me everything Sam, I can't help you fix it if you don't tell me. So, I did. I told him about bullying, I told him about feeling confused that boys could get a rise out of me like girls could, I told him about this amazing boy I'd just met called Frankie.
"I’ve been going to a support group." I said, he frowned,
"For?"
"Sexuality." I said because that was already breached, he already knew that part about me. "Gender." I continued, “it's where I met Frankie." I said, he nodded.
“You said you met him at Youth Club?”
“I did.” I said nodding, “Youth Club, Rainbow Connection, it’s a club and a support group.”
"Why did you go?"
"I was interested." I said, which wasn't a lie, "I already knew I liked boys." I continued, "but, really, ultimately." I said, then I swallowed, "it was for my gender." I said, he simply didn't question it, I preferred that. "I figured out long, long ago, that I wasn't quite a boy." I said, he frowned,
"I mean sure, biologically I am but mentally I don't think I've ever been, this isn't me saying I want to transition. Please understand that, I'm not saying I want to be a girl, because no, my God no I do not, but there is that girl element in me, sometimes it fights its way out. And those are times I spend with Frankie, who makes me feel pretty and safe, which is why he means so much to me. He identifies as I do, he is a boy but doesn't feel as if he is, he's just more open about his butterfly side." I said then sighed roughly,
"Sam," He said, then frowned, "you've always been such a boy though." He said simply,
"That's just my personality Dad." I replied, then struggled. "I like sports, I do, I like stereotypical boyish things, but that's not every element of me, not one little bit. I'm struggling to explain it because it's so hard to explain." I said, then rubbed my forehead,
"Have I been misgendering you?" He asked, he sounded concerned so I looked up. "When I talk to you, I call you son, you're always he, him, am I misgendering you?"
"No." I breathed out, "no, no I’m nonbinary, we figured it out, I’m definitely nonbinary but I’m still happy, I feel more comfortable with male pronouns, I always have." I said then caught my breath. “Does this change anything?”
“No.” Dad said then he frowned, “why would it Sam? What on earth will change?”
“I don’t know. Things usually change after I come out. Life gets shit.” I said, he laughed.
“I’m proud of you Sam, don’t you forget it.” He said, I nodded, “don’t let your mother get to you, you never have before so don’t now. Love whoever you want and be whoever you are, because my God Sam you are one of a kind, don’t change that kid.”
“You don’t care if I dress girlish sometimes.”
“I own pink shirts.” He replied so I actually hugged him, feeling him laugh as I did.
“I think there’s only one thing that needs to change.” He said, so I sat next to him, he squeezed my knee then laughed.
“What?”
“Your relationship with Frankie.” He said, I frowned at him, “come off it Sam. You have the biggest crush on him. Do people still say crush?”
“Ten year olds do.” I said, he squeezed my knee harder which made me knee his hand.
“I know it’s difficult and cliché and everything else falling for your best friend, but really.” He said, I sighed, “I’ve been able to tell since I met Frankie.” He added; I shook my head looking up at him as he sighed.
“Do you think everybody knows?”
❋
Chapter Sixteen
I have known Frankie Cook for four years.
I know that his favourite drink is cider, and that he only ever wears purple Doc Martens. I know that his favourite Disney Princess is Tiana, and his favourite Doctor is the Eleventh. I know that he’s afraid of thunder, so deeply he’s embarrassed about it. I know that his favourite flavour of vape is mint, and his favourite flavour of ice cream is strawberry.
I know he hated every minute of secondary school. I know he lived with Skylar the summer they were fifteen because he didn’t want to be at home. I know when he chose to do Fashion in university it was because he thought he couldn’t do anything else. I know how he lost his virginity.
I know he goes out to dance, not to drink, or to fuck. I know he likes blue eyed boys. I know he likes to sleep on the left side of the bed, on one pillow. I know he uses Paco Rabanne because he doesn’t want to smell too masculine. I know he’d rather have a cat than a dog.
I know he has known Skylar since they were small enough to not know how to talk. I know he is a light sleeper and that he only drinks tea because the caffeine in coffee gives him a headache. I know he has social media just to watch. I know he is stubborn, and can be impatient.
I know he loves Spring and he is a Virgo. I know he wants to be vegetarian but likes bacon too much and he’s allergic to peanuts. I know I have loved Frankie Cook for three years and six months.
Two large balloons sat in the middle of the circle of chairs as we walked int RCNB. They both had huge question marks on them. Oakley and Skylar were stood either side of them, examining them as Frankie sat giggling from the seat in front of them.
“Sam.” Skylar said waving as they did, so I waved back as Frankie turned then stood from his seat running towards me and hugging me.
“What happened?” he asked, I frowned as I shook my head, “Sam you went home on Friday, this is the first time I’ve seen you since.”
“I’m fine.” I said softly, he shook his head so I did it back. “Honestly, I am. Dad and I sorted it all out.”
“Good.” He whispered, “good.” He repeated nodding then he hugged me.
“I actually wanted to ask you something.” I said, he moved away from me then frowned.
“Me?”
“Yeah… I was wondering…”
“Come on in.” Riley said, we both turned to look at him, “I think Enzo and Caleb have an announcement to make.” He said as Enzo and Caleb came into the room, Alistair, Luca and Emma behind them. Emma ran around them, towards me, so I picked her up. Holding her long ways as I took her to the circle of chairs.
I sat her on my knee once I’d sat down and Frankie had sat beside me. “Leave the balloons.” Riley said laughing as he held Oakley’s arms moving him away from the balloon then twirling him towards the nearest seat. Skylar sat opposite him. Luca running to sit on the seat beside them.
“It’s my birthday soon.” Luca said excitedly. Skylar almost frowned at him because they obviously didn’t get it.
“We’r
e having a party and stuff. It’s going to be amazing.”
“Great.” Skylar said shrugging,
“I was wondering if you’d paint my nails for me.” he said, Skylar began to nod as they obviously got it.
“Oh! Yes.” they said amused as he held their hand out, Luca put his into theirs. “What do you want?”
“Simple. I’m not looking for something big and dramatic just plain colour.”
“I can do that.” Sky said smiling as they stroked over Luca’s hand, then turned back towards Riley as Enzo and Caleb stood either side of the balloons.
“Are we about to have a gender reveal?” Frankie asked as Riley gave both Enzo and Caleb a pin.
“I’m going for yes.” I said, Caleb laughed as Enzo shook zir head.
“I’m six months pregnant. Ashley the midwife of the year told us that twins come early; I’ll be lucky if I get to thirty-seven weeks. I’m not even going to see nine months, so he suggested that we get on with the names.”
“To do that, we need to know their genders.” Caleb said, they sounded somewhat excited as I looked at Frankie who was frowning back at them.
“So, you decided not to raise them neutrally?” Skylar asked, Enzo wobbled zir head at them, then held up the pin.
“Ready?” Riley asked, they both nodded. Holding the pins back. “Five…” Riley encouraged so we joined him, counting down to one as Emma clapped then gasped happily as they popped the balloons. Enzo’s exploded with purple confetti whilst Caleb’s exploded with yellow, they both began to laugh probably at our expressions.
“You’re raising them neutral.” Oakley said, Enzo began to nod as Caleb grabbed zir and hugged zir.
“You’re having two theybies.” Skylar said excitedly, Caleb nodded.
“They, their for both of them.”
“Have you thought of names?” Frankie asked, they nodded again then put their finger against their lips.
“Not yet.” Enzo said amused shaking zir head. “Got to leave something for a surprise.” Zie said nodding, Caleb seemed to agree, then began to laugh so we turned as one. Emma gasping and jumping off my knee towards Alistair as he walked towards us with a cake. He lowered it just enough for Emma to see it. It was simple, white with a little pair of hi-top converse on one side and vans on the other, it said twins just in front of it.
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