Finding Abel (Rebel Hearts Book 1)

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  “Man, you’ve got to calm down.”

  Kat appeared in the doorway over his shoulder. “Get out of here,” I barked at her.

  “No, we have to talk about this.”

  I picked up the guitar propped on a stand, not caring that it was mine, and swung it at the wall. It snapped and splintered on impact, the sound reverberated through the small space. Everyone in the room recoiled. I tossed the pieces aside. “Go!” I roared. “I have nothing else to say to you.”

  With a sob, she turned and fled.

  “You’re an asshole,” Gio spat.

  I couldn’t even turn to look at him again. If I did, I was going to beat him within an inch of his life.

  I shouldered past Gabe and out of the dressing room.

  I needed out of here right now. My entire body was vibrating with fury and grief, and any second, I was going to explode or crumble. Probably both, and I didn’t want to be here when it happened. I staggered down the hall in the direction of the exit. I spotted Gio’s shit still leaned against the wall and the anger overtook me again. I kicked out at the case holding his beloved guitar and it crashed to the floor, lid popping open. I grabbed up his instrument and swung it as hard as I could at the cement wall, getting immense satisfaction from the way it broke apart the same way my guitar had.

  I tossed the pieces down and gave his bag a kick just for good measure, and then got the hell out of there.

  My car was waiting at the back of the venue. I ignored the confused looks I got from security on my way out and climbed behind the wheel of the Ferrari.

  I peeled out of the arena and onto the road, my hands squeezing the steering wheel like it was Gio’s throat. My own throat felt tight, like I was choking on the black emotions clawing their way up. My stomach rolled and twisted with the urge to be sick.

  I zipped in and out of the lanes as I navigated New York traffic. I was halfway back to my penthouse before I realized I couldn’t go there. It wasn’t just my place anymore. It was our place. And I couldn’t see her again. Not when I was this angry.

  I flipped a U-turn and found a place to pull over. Instinctively I reached toward the passenger seat for my phone, but it wasn’t there. Dammit, I really needed to quit breaking those things, but there was something immensely satisfying about destroying shit. I hit my hand against the wheel, cursing myself. I needed to call my parents and tell them not to bother showing up to the show tonight. There wouldn’t be one.

  Maybe they’d be at Addie’s. If nothing else, I had a key to her loft and could call them from there. I pulled back onto the street and cranked the volume on my radio. My eardrums vibrated, my brain pounded, and the speakers in my car rattled.

  Gabe and my manager were probably losing their shit over the mess I’d made. If my phone wasn’t in pieces back at the venue, it would be blowing up. I was in deep shit.

  No way would I be able to get away with blowing off a show, night of.

  But I couldn’t deal with that right now.

  My vision blurred, and I realized that it was because tears were welling in my eyes. I cursed and wiped at them angrily. I drew in a few deep breaths, the thing beating inside my chest aching painfully with each one, and focused on not wrecking my car as I wove my way toward Manhattan.

  Everything had changed with those words, “I’m pregnant.”

  It’d taken me a few days to adjust to the idea of being a father, but once I had . . . that baby was the only thing getting me through the hell of being stuck with Kat. The one bright spot.

  And now the baby was gone.

  Not gone. Dead. It had been alive, and now he or she wasn’t.

  “Fuuuck!” I roared and slammed my hand against the wheel and hot tears ran down my cheeks.

  Thirteen

  Abel

  “I don’t know what to do.” I drew a hand over my face and then let my head hang.

  Mom’s hand came to rest on my back and I tipped my chin up to meet her soft gaze. “It’s going to be okay.”

  “I don’t see how,” I admitted and looked away, staring out over the balcony at Gramercy Park below. If nothing else, Addie’s place had a decent view.

  “You don’t have to see how. That’s the beauty of faith, Abel.”

  “What am I supposed to do now? I can’t go home because she lives there too. I guess I should probably call my lawyer. I’m going to need an entire team of them when the label comes after me, anyway.”

  “There will be time to call lawyers later. You need to give yourself time to process. You can’t bottle it up or make it go away that easily.”

  “Believe me, I know that,” I said more gruffly than she deserved.

  “Then talk to me. Do you really believe Katya intentionally ended her pregnancy?” My mother’s face was etched with heartbreak and I knew she didn’t want to believe it. Born to a single, teenage mom who could have aborted her, and as a mom who had almost lost one of her babies, I knew this was an emotional subject for her. Also, there was the fact that I didn’t think there was anyone in the world who loved babies as much as my mom.

  “I don’t know. I caught her snorting coke in the bathroom, and she didn’t seem that broken up about losing the baby, only me finding out.” The image of her guilty expression brought the anger bubbling right back up to the surface.

  “That doesn’t mean she did it. Or that she isn’t hurt over the loss. She may not show it the way you expect, but every woman who has carried a child inside her feels it deeply when that life is gone, even if she chose it. Your father and I never told you guys, but about a year before I became pregnant with Aiden, I had a miscarriage. With the medications, the pregnancy didn’t take. My body fought it, and I lost the baby at eight weeks.”

  My gut twisted.

  “It was incredibly hard for me. And your father. And why we were both so terrified during my pregnancy with Aiden. You can’t imagine what it feels like to know that your body failed you. That it failed your child.”

  “It wasn’t your fault. You were sick, and the medication . . . it wasn’t your fault.”

  She smiled sadly. “I know that. I do. I don’t blame myself, but it hurts nonetheless, Abel.”

  “But you wanted your children. Katya made it clear from the beginning that she didn’t.”

  “Regardless of what she felt in the beginning, it may have changed in the time that she was carrying the baby. Miscarriages can happen for a lot of reasons.”

  Silence fell between us, the weight of her words bearing down heavily upon me. I’d flipped out on Katya because I was already so angry and resentful for having to marry her in the first place, but what if it wasn’t her fault?

  “What if I did this?” I croaked hoarsely.

  “What do you mean?”

  I couldn’t meet her eyes as I forced the words out. “I’ve been so hard on her. Cruel and unsympathetic, because I was angry. We fought and argued so much, and last time I just stormed out on her. Who does that? Who treats the woman carrying their child that way? What if I caused her too much distress? What if I’m the reason she lost the baby?” I turned my helpless gaze to her.

  “Abel, you didn’t do this. Don’t try to blame yourself. Sometimes there just isn’t anyone to blame and you have to accept that. You both ended up in a painful and stressful position and tried to make the best of it. Neither one of you handled it perfectly, but that doesn’t mean you’re at fault for this loss.”

  “I was so angry when I found out she was pregnant. I felt like my life was over. I think that’s really why I didn’t tell you at first. Not because I thought you would be mad at me for screwing up, but because I was ashamed of how I felt about the baby, and I knew you would be disappointed in me for it.”

  She scooted closer on the tiny outdoor sofa and wrapped her arm around me.

  “I was scared,” I confessed. “I didn’t think I was ready for a baby. It wasn’t what I wanted, but the more I thought about it . . . God Mom, I did want the baby, I swear I did, but I feel like I
’m being punished because at first I didn’t.” The words were wrenched from my gut with a half sob.

  Both of her arms wrapped around my body, almost twice the size of hers, holding me like I was still her little boy. “Abel, listen to me. You’re my son and I love you. I am not disappointed in you and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not being punished.” Her voice broke and she squeezed me harder.

  I curled my arms around her, squeezing back, and buried my head in her shoulder as I said, “I feel sick in my gut, like I could have done something. Like I should have done better. For Kat and the baby.”

  “You loved that baby enough from the first moment to do what you thought was right, even though you were angry and scared. That’s enough, Abel. It really is. I’m so sorry, but you will get through it.”

  I nodded against her, unable to say anything else, embarrassed at the way I was falling apart like a baby in her arms. But there was something about moms and knowing in their arms was the one place it was always safe to fall apart, because they’d always pick you back up and help put you together.

  “I love you.” My words came out muffled and choked.

  “I love you too,” she murmured and then released me.

  I wiped at my eyes and cleared my throat. “I’ll talk to Katya. I’ll try to make it right so we can both try to move on from this, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about the band and the label. I’m already in shit with them because of the arrest. Add in blowing off a show, and the fact that I don’t think I can go back to playing with Gio. Tonight was the last straw. With him and Lowell. I just can’t do it anymore.”

  “Before you stress it too much, wait to hear what your dad says.”

  Whereas Mom pulled me out here to talk after I told them all what happened, Dad the problem solver got right on his phone, making calls to the label, determined to do whatever he could to help me. Addie, God knew what she was doing in there. She’d retreated to her room before Mom and I came out here, I think to keep from burdening me with her emotions on top of mine. She was probably pacing and fuming and crying all at once. I was surprised she hadn’t already burst out here. Addie’s emotions flowed freely and wildly, no dam or lid or anything keeping them in check. Something I both loved, and that drove me crazy about my sister.

  “Do you think Dad is going to be mad at how I handled it?”

  “Depends, did you really break a guitar?”

  I shifted my gaze back to her. A slight smile tugged at one corner of her mouth and I breathed a little easier.

  “Two,” I sighed. “But neither was Red.” My Dad’s beloved 1962 Fender Stratocaster that once belonged to one of his all-time favorite guitarists, Stevie Ray Vaughan.

  “Well that’s a relief. I’m not sure I could have saved you from him if it had been.” She was smiling, and I couldn’t help but smile a little too. “Your dad loves you and he isn’t going to be mad. All he’s ever wanted is to protect you from the ugliness of this life. He’s so incredibly proud of you, but I know he has worried about you since the day you told us you wanted to sign that first record deal and move to New York. And then your sister had to go and become a model,” she laughed lightly. “You should have heard our conversation when I had to talk him down from locking her up in a tower the rest of her life. Letting you two walk your own paths, chase your own dreams, and make your own mistakes has not been easy for either of us, but don’t ever doubt for a second how proud we are of you.”

  “Speaking of Addie, I should probably go talk to her. I think she’s taking this even harder than I am.”

  Mom squeezed my hand and nodded. “Your sister loves more fiercely and feels more deeply than perhaps anyone I’ve ever known. It’s both a strength and a weakness. She might be your little sister, but she would take on the world for you Abel, and she doesn’t know what to do when she can’t help the people she loves.”

  “I know,” I said. My sister was the strongest, fiercest, and most fragile person I knew. A juxtaposition that didn’t make sense but was true. She’d take on the world without backing down sure enough, but she’d feel everything while doing it and eventually it would tear her apart and leave her heart in shreds. She’d sink into depression for a little while, and then she’d heal and put her heart right back out there again. It was hard to watch.

  Mom and I moved inside, and while Mom took a seat at the counter, waiting for Dad to get off the phone, I padded down the hall to Addie’s room and knocked.

  “Come in,” her soft voice muttered.

  I pushed the door open and poked my head in. Addie was sitting on the floor, propped up against her bed. She looked up at me dejectedly. I walked over and dropped down beside her. She lay her head on my shoulder and we sat there like that. Neither of us saying anything for a while.

  Eventually, she picked her head up off my shoulder and glanced sideways at me. “You going to be okay?”

  “Eventually,” I told her. “You?”

  “Eventually,” she sighed. “I hate her, Abel. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I never liked her to begin with, and everything she does just makes me despise her more, and now . . . I don’t know how not to hate her for doing this to you.”

  Her words hung in the air for a moment and then I said, “I hate her a little bit too. I have for a while, because I’ve felt so trapped. Like I haven’t had a choice in all this, but I did have a choice. I never should have gotten involved with her. I never cared about her the way I should have. She was a way to pass the time. It was easy because I didn’t care, because I wasn’t invested. I could walk away at any time, but I didn’t. I stayed. I was a selfish asshole and I kept using her.”

  Addie snorted. “Like she wasn’t using you. She was practically nobody before you two started dating. She’s always been a greedy little gold digger just trying to climb over people to get to the top.”

  “That might be true, but it doesn’t make what I did or how I treated her okay. I don’t know if Katya ended her pregnancy on purpose or not, but talking to Mom made me realize, that even if she did, blaming her and hating her isn’t going to make me feel any better. If anything, it makes me feel worse. It’s like a black cloud suffocating me and I just don’t want to live like that.”

  Addie nodded, but kept her lips pressed together. Her eyes were watery and wouldn’t meet mine. I nudged her shoulder with mine and forced her to look at me. “I don’t want you to hate her. You’re too good of a person for that.”

  “No, I’m not,” she muttered begrudgingly.

  I smiled. “Yes, you are. You’re compassionate and forgiving and full of life. You brighten up people’s lives just by being you. You’re a little bit crazy, and you might get pissed and blow up every once in a while, but then you move on. You don’t stay bitter and you don’t hold grudges.”

  “Ugh,” she groaned. “Why can’t you just let me have this? I want to hate her for you.”

  “Hate is beneath you, Addie.”

  She folded her arms and rested them on top of her bent knees. “Now you sound like Mom.”

  “That’s because I just spent the last half hour with her listening to her wisdom and sage advice.”

  “It’s sooo annoying how she wants us to be good people,” she said with a sarcastic eye-roll.

  I chuckled. “Yeah.”

  She blew out a weighty breath. “I need to call and cancel my trip to Europe.”

  “Like hell,” I said.

  “Abel,” she ground out.

  “Addie,” I retorted giving her a hard look. “You’re going. I know what Fashion Week means to you. I know how much you’ve been looking forward to it, and how important it is to your career.”

  She started to protest but I cut her off. “No, you’re going. And I’m going to get my mess sorted out and be alright. You’ve got to do your thing. Have fun and wow all the fashion assholes. I’ll feel better knowing my life isn’t ruining yours.”

  She scowled and smacked me. “You’re not ruining my life.”


  I rubbed my arm where she’d hit me. “But you know what I mean. Go on the trip.”

  “Fine.”

  I stood and stuck out my hand to her. She slapped hers into it and let me pull her up. “Is it cool if I hide out here a day or two until I know what I’m going to do?”

  “Yeah, my roommate left for London already so there won’t be anyone here.”

  I pulled her in for a hug and kissed the top of her head. “Thanks.”

  She squeezed her arms around me and then kicked me out so she could pack.

  Mom and Dad were in the kitchen talking when I interrupted. “How bad is it?” I asked, sliding into the tall chair beside Mom’s.

  Dad gripped the counter and leveled his gaze with mine. “For now they’re telling everyone the show is cancelled due to a family emergency. I explained the situation. They’re not happy, but they’re trying to be understanding. They want you and the rest of the band there Monday morning for a meeting to discuss moving forward with the rest of the tour.”

  I guess that was better than straight up being dropped. They were trying to salvage their cash cow.

  “Not very smart, them wanting to put me in a room with Gio.”

  “You need to figure out how to go in there and keep a cool head, Abel,” Dad said more sternly.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t be the one to lose it. The label will when I tell them there’s not going to be a tour. I won’t go on the road with Gio.”

  Dad pushed off the counter. “You could be looking at a major lawsuit if that’s your decision.”

  I shrugged. “At this point I don’t even care. Let them sue me. Gabe will stand with me on this. We both want out. Gio and Lowell have slowly been killing the band for a while. They’re constantly late for rehearsals and we’ve been fined for missing studio sessions so many times it’s not funny because of those two. It’s all about the party and getting high with them. Gabe and I have been talking about either dropping them or getting out ourselves as soon as our contract allowed.”

  “Then the only advice I can give you is, decide what outcome you can live with and see it through. Your agent and lawyer will be there, but if you and Gabe are serious, you should probably talk to someone who isn’t representing the whole band. The label will do what they feel they need to, and you do the same.”