by Jenny Wood
“Thank you for having dinner with me,” Jase said sweetly, batting his ridiculously long eyelashes that outlined his ridiculously gorgeous light brown eyes. It hit me with stunning clarity that I could become addicted to this guy. I was already crazy about him, and he made me feel like I was somebody important. He didn’t judge me; he didn’t see me as anything else other than a person he liked. I rolled him onto his back and looked down at him.
“Thank you for last night,” I tell him sincerely. “Including dinner.” I winked, cheekily, making him laugh. It was such a carefree sound; I couldn’t help but kiss him again. Before anything could get out of hand, I pulled away and rested my forehead on his, giving us both a second.
“I don’t know where we go from here or really how to do these relationship kind of things, but, I was thinkin’ we could try it out. What do you think?” I kind of rambled. It sounded stupid now that I’d said it out loud but I wanted him. I wanted Jase, and I wanted to see what could happen between us. I was crazy about him.
“What kind of relationship things? Like… boyfriends?” He scoffed but smiled brightly. “You wanna be boyfriends?” He giggled. I rolled my eyes and flung myself on my side of the bed and flopped on my back, feeling ridiculous. He didn’t let me get away, he followed me and climbed on my chest, straddling my waist and leaning down until we were face to face.
“You wanna be my boyfriend, Jacob Riggs?” He smiled down at me.
“I thought about it, Jason Davis. I’m kind of changing my mind about it, now.” I say haughtily, earning a laugh and a kiss. I couldn’t help my smile. I was gone for this kid.
“That makes me happy.” He says softly, and the awkwardness that I’d just felt was gone, and I felt happy too. I was about to say that when a pounding at the door interrupted us.
“Jason! Get your ass out to the living room, right fucking now!” Jody bellowed from outside the door. Jase’s wide eyes met mine, and I had to admit, it was so loud, and out of nowhere, it scared the shit out me too.
“What the fuck?” He whispered but otherwise climbed off of me, and we both jumped up and grabbed out clothes.
“He’s probably pissed I stayed here last night. I shouldn’t have.” I told him, trying to calm his worries.
“Well that’s bullshit, I live here too, he’s never bitched about me bringing people over before.” He answers, pulling on his pants and digging a shirt out of his drawer and throwing me one too. It was a bit snug, but it’d do in a pinch.
“Sorry for whatever dad-like bullshit he’s about to spew, it’ll be fine, and I’m glad you stayed with me.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me to him this time and kissed my lips with a quickness. We both took turns using the restroom and brushing our teeth before we exited the bedroom hand in hand. Jody was pacing in the living room; Cameron was sitting on the edge of the couch with his hands in his lap looking worried. Kingsley came down the hallway looking half asleep, and half naked and Kayson came running with one leg in his sleep pants and tripping on the other one.
“Are the cops here?” Kayson asked, finally standing still enough to pull on his pants.
“What’s the yellin’?” Kingsley asked, scratching the back of his head then crossing his arms across his fucking impressively solid bare chest.
“Baby, why don’t you come over here and sit down. I’ll put on some coffee for everyone and we can all talk, okay?” Cameron tried, standing up, wringing his hands together but trying to get Jody calm.
“Is this because Joker stayed the night? Because it’s a lot of theatrics for a 20-year-old to have overnight company. Cameron told me I could have people over the night I moved in; I don’t see the problem?” Jase asked. I didn’t like how unsure he looked or how he seemed to be embarrassed now that everyone was looking at him.
“Something you want to share with us?” Jody asked, sinisterly. Jase looked shook his head, confused but started to answer.
“I mean, we’re together, I guess. We haven’t really talked about it in detail or whatever, but… whatever you think this might be, it’s more than that.” He tried to explain.
“I wasn’t talking to you.” Jody snapped his attention to Jase and then back to me. He was glaring at me.
“Joker? You have something to share?” He asked with an ugly smirk. He knew. He knew about what I’d done and was condemning me for it. He was painting me with the brush of a killer.
“No,” I answered honestly though my voice wasn’t as strong as I’d have liked for it to have been. I didn’t want to talk about it, though. Not like this and not with him. I’d told the people I needed to tell, which was my bosses and my ….what, boyfriend? Not anymore, I’d wager.
“What are you doing?” Jase asked Jody.
“Really? Nothing you want to share with us, Jacob?” Kingsley gasped as Cameron stood up again and scooted closer to Jase.
“Jody, let’s take a breath here for a second and we’ll talk.” Kingsley interrupted. I stood frozen. There wasn’t anything I could say or do to take back what I’d done, even though, from the minute I’d met Jase, I wanted to. I wanted to erase any black marks I had on my soul so he could see the good in me and not have me taint him with anything that might.
“No, fuck that. Do y’all know who you have working for us? Who we have sleeping under our roof with our fucking family?” Jody swore.
“Knock it off, Jody. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jase tried to defend; he walked over to me and grabbed my hand, standing more in front of me than beside me.
“Oh, is that how it is?” Jody asked Jase. I needed to stop this. “You know who you have in your bed, Jason?” Jody asked, obviously thinking that I hadn’t told Jase anything.
“I know more than you think I do and you better watch your condescending bullshit, I’m not a fucking kid, and I can make decisions without your input. Now shut down the attitude and talk to me like an adult or don’t talk at all. I’m giving you this one curtsey, don’t fuck it up.” Jase warned. I was impressed, and he was sexy as hell when he was defending me, but I needed to stop this. They were family, a family that just last night, was all about each other.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I say softly to get Jase to loosen up.
“No, it isn’t alright.” He snaps back.
“So you know that he was in prison, right?” Jody asked Jase.
“Jody, that’s enough.” Kayson tried softly.
“Yeah, I did,” Jase answered. Jody didn’t look surprised, but Cameron did. I tried to look apologetic when his eyes met mine. I should’ve told them all.
“You know he killed a man, then? A man with an 8-year-old daughter?” Jody tried again, looking at me with complete disgust.
“I didn’t know he had a daughter, no. The rest he told me.” Jase answered honestly. I hadn’t told him details about the man I killed. I didn’t.
“You brought a killer into my house?” Jody whispered.
“You are out of fucking line, brother,” Kingsley interjected. “This is our house too, and I’m telling you that you are out of fucking line. You forget that Kayson and I brought him into our work and our house before he even met Jase.”
“You knew he was in prison for murder?” Jody asked incredulously. Cameron was trying his hardest, but I heard the sob he was trying to hide. “You couldn’t warn somebody?”
“It wasn’t your business. It still isn’t.” Jase answered in the coldest voice I’d ever heard. I didn’t like it on him. He was too sweet to be so harsh.
“Am I the only one who has a problem with this shit?” Jody snaps, looking at everyone around the room. Morgan and Conner are standing in the doorway of the kitchen with wide, scared eyes.
“I think I should go,” I say to Jase. He turns and looks at me with pleading eyes.
“You don’t need to go, this is ridiculous.” He says, annoyed.
“His approach is shit, but he isn’t saying anything untrue. This is his house too, if he doesn’t want me here, I shouldn’t be.” I
tell him rationally.
“It’s my house too!” He yells at me.
“Since when do you pay rent?” Jody sneers, causing everyone to stop in their tracks. I physically saw Jase’s heartbreak in his eyes the second Jody said it.
“I cannot believe you,” Cameron whispered in a tortured whisper. “Who are you right now?”
“Jase, will you just think for a second?” Jody seemed to lose his steam and look contrite. It was too late for Jase; he wasn’t hearing any of it.
“ I um, can you excuse me for just a second?” He asked me without looking at me. He didn’t look at anyone on his way out of the room.
“You fucking dick.” Kingsley followed Jase.
“That kid is like a son to you, what the fuck did you hope to gain with that?” Morgan spit, following Jase and Kingsley down the hall to what looked like Jase’s room.
“Just wow,” Kayson says before joining Conner and both of them going to the kitchen.
“I’m gonna…” I point to the door and say to Cameron. I can’t make myself look at Jody, who’d been uncharacteristically quiet now that Jase was out of the room. “Tell him I’ll text him or something,” I say and walk away. I hear Cameron call out to me, but when the door closes behind me, I run. I run for my piece of shit car and pray it starts when I get to it. It does. It doesn’t take me anytime to get home.
I walked into my shitty apartment and fall onto my futon and take the breath that I felt was trapped since I walked into the living room and had my past laid out at everyone’s feet so callously. I honestly thought when I moved here that it was a fresh start to start over. I knew all anyone had to do was look me up, but normally, people don’t just Google people they meet, not unless they plan to have some sort of relationship with them. Since I wasn’t planning a relationship anytime soon, I thought I’d be safe. I don’t even know how Jase found out and if it was the internet, why he was up looking me up at the ass crack of dawn this morning.
I was sure I didn’t have a job anymore, and even if I did, I couldn’t work with Jody, which I was supposed to, today. I jumped up and grabbed my bag and got my appointment book from inside and sat on my couch, thinking of what I could tell my clients when I rescheduled them. Three appointments, all good paying pieces. I’d also need to call and tell my PO that I was unemployed. That’d give me two weeks to get another one or I’d risk violating my parole.
I had just finished canceling my appointments via phone, having them call and reschedule later this morning with Conner and he’d find them an open slot with one of the other guys. They agreed when I told them they’d give them 25% off their first session.The minute I’d ended my last call, banging on my door jolted me from the couch. I knew without checking who it was. It was Jase. This was going to suck.
I couldn’t even claim that life wasn’t fair because all of this shit was happening because of my own doing. My mistake had cost me everything, and it kept costing me; maybe it would for the rest of my life. It probably would. I got up to answer the door after the fifth knock; he wasn’t going to go away without talking to me.
“Hey.” He said when I opened the door, he didn’t wait for me to invite him in, he pushed his way inside and turned to me once he was inside. I shut the door behind me but stood where I was.
“Hey,” I answered.
“I’m really sorry about all this shit; I can’t even-“
“It’s okay.” I interrupt.
“No, it fucking isn’t. Stop saying that!” He demanded.
“Look, this….went really fast and I think for a little bit, maybe we should take a step back and … I dunno, pause until Jody can wrap his head around everything.” I suggest. It would never work out if Jase’s family would have problems with him. It would just cause problems between them and Jase in the end.
“Whoa, hang on.” Jase tried to interject.
“That was a fucked-up scene this morning. There is no way Jody is going to be okay with you dating me.” I tell him. He has to know that’s true.
“So, not until Jody can wrap his head around everything, then huh?” He concludes.
“I don’t wanna complicate things any more than they already are,” I say, killing myself with such typical breakup lines. I’d had one night with him, one night of nothing but pure, unadulterated happiness. Just one. So why did it fucking kill to have to walk away from him?
“Yeah, okay.” He agrees, softly. I watched his hand come up and rub his chest like there was a physical ache in his chest and I knew that there was because I could feel it in mine. He stopped looking at me; he just stood there looking around for a second before dropping his hands and walking to the door. “Yeah.” He said quietly, again.
“I’m sorry.” I tried before he walked out but I don’t think he was paying attention. I felt like throwing something. I felt sick at the thought of losing him, everything in me was screaming that I go after him; that it would be okay as long as we were together. We could keep doing what we’d been doing, just him and me. Everything had been so good; perfect. He was the only good thing I’d had in so long, and he just walked away… I made him walk away.
Jase
“Since when do you pay rent?” Jody barked. It took a couple of seconds for me to put together that that’s what he’d said. He’s never, at all, made me feel like I didn’t belong here, until now. I was embarrassed; these people helped me go to school, they sent me food and made sure I had money in my accounts, and for all intents and purposes, they were my family. I’d offered to pay rent or at least help out. I didn’t use any of the rooms in the house beside mine and the kitchen, and I never cooked for just myself, I cooked for everyone. I don’t remember excusing myself, but Kingsley followed me to my room.
“I have a little bit of money saved up, still some in my account from school.” I blurted out when I reached my sock drawer. There was only a few hundred left in there. I pulled it out and started counting it, ignoring Kingsley, Morgan, and Cameron in my doorway.
“Here’s some but I mean, it’s not a year’s worth but I didn’t ask for that, ya know? I told you guys you didn’t have to send it.” I told them, looking around my room at what else I could give up to pay off my debt to them. My jeep, I could sell my jeep. Where are my keys? I could sleep at Jokers for a few nights, I’m sure… Just until I could work something out with the shelter maybe, or ...
“Stop.” Cameron cried taking a step in.
“Can you ask Joker to come in here, please?” I asked whoever would do it. It was going to be humiliating to ask if I could stay with him but surely he had to see my predicament at the moment. We were boyfriends or something of the equivalent, weren’t we? That was allowed.
“Jase, nobody wants your fucking money. Stop whatever it is that you’re thinking. Right now.” Cameron demanded. He didn’t sound like himself; he sounded….like a dad. Fitting, I loved him like one.
“This is embarrassing,” I mumbled. “I forgot what this was like.” I laughed at the stark reminder of feeling like I might fit in somewhere and then being reminded that I’d be getting sent back. Of course, now there wasn’t anywhere to send me back to. I couldn’t go back to Ms. Jay’s.
“This is not that!” Cameron yelled. “Do you hear what I am saying to you? This is your family, this is your house, what you went through before, that not being wanted or not fitting in? That doesn’t apply here. Do you understand me?”
“Where’s Joker?” I ask, realizing that literally everyone is in my room, but Joker and Jody. Oh shit, how did I forget what Jody said to Joker? “Is he okay? How come Jody say shit like that to him? He doesn’t even know him!” I yelled and threw myself through their barricade of bodies to get out the door.
“Jase.” Jody croaked out when he saw me re-enter the living room. “Jase, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that you know you’re welcome here. That was so stupid of me to-“
“Where’s Joker?” I ask, ignoring the rest. “Did he go outside? Did he leave?” I ask again.
“I think you’ve said enough. Don’t you?” I asked without waiting for an answer. I ran to my jeep and thankfully found my keys already inside. Thank you, country livin’. I never had a fear of it being broken into or stolen, not all the way out here.
I drove to Joker’s house in a daze, playing the things shit that Jody said to him over and over. He must’ve felt like shit when he left. Embarrassed and humiliated, I’m sure. I get to his apartment and take the stairs two at a time until my knuckles reach his door first. I end up knocking five separate times before he answers and I knew immediately that again, I was going to be cast away.
I couldn’t understand why this shit kept happening to me. I was a decent person. I was a good kid that turned into a good teenager that turned into a decent guy. I worked at it to make it so. I didn’t lie, cheat or steal. I didn’t beg, barter or borrow. I worked hard for the things in my life. I hand a hand up from my family, sure; but I tried to pay them back in other ways, and I helped out as much as I could to not be a burden.
When Joker said that we should take a step back, I got it. I didn’t beg him to rethink his decision or try to sell myself on my good qualities so that he might keep me around. I’d done that before, and it didn’t work. When somebody was ready for you to go, you go. Period.