To Light and Guard

by Piper Hannah

  Before I knew what she was up to, she tugged my arm and spun me around until I was facing her again. She held both of my wrists and gripped them tight. Adra’s left hand slid over my right hand, which was still clutching the knife, and held it. Looking as innocent as a baby, she guided my hand with the knife over my left wrist. I tried to pull away from her, but she was stronger.

  Buffy started barking, but I barely heard her. My breathing became ragged.

  Looking right into my eyes, Adra smiled as she forced my right hand down until the knife was touching my left wrist.

  That was when I screamed for my Guardian – my real one.

  “Oh, he can’t help you right now,” Adra said with a smirk. “He is a little busy with a few of my friends.”

  I struggled, trying to get free. I kicked her leg, but she didn’t even react.

  “Don’t worry. Luke will be fine. An angel with the power to heal is very hard to kill,” Adra said with the knife still touching my left wrist. “Believe me. I have been trying for years. This is where you come in.” I didn’t hear the rest of what she was saying because I kept on screaming.

  Without further ado, she jerked my right hand down and sideways. While literally kicking and screaming, I felt the knife slice my left wrist open.

  “Thank you for being so fragile,” Adra whispered in my ear. Then, she let me go and backed away. I pulled the knife away, and I felt the pain. I felt the blood.

  I stared at my left wrist - at the long straight line that opened up my skin. The blood came out quickly, and it dripped in a steady stream of red liquid onto the white kitchen tiles. In shock, I looked at Adra as I wondered if she was really going to let me die again. I lifted my left wrist towards her…

  Heal me… Please…

  From somewhere distant, I heard Emma scream. Adra quickly ran towards the kitchen wall and disappeared through it. She made a quick get-away, but it didn’t matter. Emma wouldn’t have seen her, anyway.

  Emma ran towards me, her eyes wide with fear, and her face was pale. Unknowingly, by simply walking in on us, Emma had saved my life... maybe. I think that I may still die today. I looked at my wrist again. It didn’t look good, and I was getting woozy.

  I blinked a few times. There was so much blood. I tilted towards the side, feeling faint. I looked at Emma, who pulled the knife away from me. A dish towel was already in her hand as she tried to stop the flow of blood. She was screaming for help. Only, it didn’t sound like help. It was more like your generic hysterical screaming. Bloody murder… Yes, that’s it. How ironic. She was screaming bloody murder, and she was very loud.

  “Emma,” I said with all the strength I had. I had to pierce through all that screaming. “This is not what it looks like.” She had to understand. She had to know that I would never try to hurt myself - that I knew that killing myself would be wrong. I was the older sister. I need to set a good example.

  I was still losing blood very quickly, and my head felt lighter and lighter. I slid to the floor, my back supported by the kitchen island. Emma was right next to me, kneeling in front of me. Her hand pressed down on my wrist with a dish towel. I didn’t even feel the pain.

  “PAIGE,” she screamed. “PAIGE!”

  The room became brighter and brighter until all I saw was a white blur. I felt my head drop to one side, and then, there was nothing. Not a bloody thing.

  I stopped breathing. My heart stopped beating… because apparently, I am the bunny, and I just got boiled. I don’t mean that literally, but do you know what I mean?

  I died.

  Again.

  PART II:

  STILL PAIGE HARPER

  “Death is only the beginning, or it could be somewhere in the middle.

  It’s all a bit confusing.”

  - Paige Harper

  CHAPTER 29

  I was killed by my boyfriend’s ex-demon girlfriend. Big deal, right? Well, to me, it was the biggest deal of all. I thought that this was going to be the end of me - the final chapter of my life - but apparently, being dead didn’t mean that I was gone.

  My spirit floated up, up, and away. As I floated away from my body, I heard Emma in the distance. Truly, I wanted to go back to her, but I just couldn’t. I was being pulled away unwillingly. Before my spirit went through the ceiling, I glanced down at Emma. She was on the floor, sobbing and screaming. Then, I went through the roof, skyrocketing upward… skyward. Upward meant that I was going to Heaven, right? I hope so.

  I heard a light humming noise, but it became fainter as I drifted up to the sky. Then, everything became silent – peaceful - and all I saw was the color of the sky; it was cloudless – a perfect blue.

  Around me, on top of me, and what I was finally standing on - all a pretty shade of sky blue. The horizon surrounded me, and there were no buildings, no trees, no grass, no anything. Nada.

  It was a bit strange. I always thought that when I died, everything would fade to white, and I would be surrounded by a big white cloud with some sort of background music playing - like an angel’s harp, maybe. There would also be a friendly face of a dead loved one to greet me. (I get this from Hollywood, okay? I lived in L.A. all of my life.) A bunch of crap that was.

  There was no cloud, no background music, no dead loved one to greet me, and get this – I had absolutely no emotions. That would have been a surprise, but surprise being another emotion, I didn’t have that, either. I know I should be angry at Adra for killing me, sad for leaving my family, and let’s not even think about leaving the love of my life behind… but no, I felt nothing. I guess you could say I was dead to the world.

  Without my crazy emotions, I’m kind of like a Vulcan. I thought of the Vulcan creed: Live long and prosper. Unfortunately, that didn’t apply to me. I seem to be having problems with the ‘live long’ part.

  Coming out of the horizon and very far away, I saw someone walking towards me. A friend? A foe? Do I really care? Even if it was Adra again, what was the worst thing she could do to me? Kill me again? I was already dead. So, there was nothing to fear, right?

  I looked at my left wrist and saw a pink, puckered scar, a straight line from one edge of my wrist to the other. Life threatening knife wounds do sure heal fast over here, don’t they? Question: How long have I been dead, anyway?

  I looked down at what I was wearing, and I groaned. I died wearing sweats and flip flops. No blood stains, though. That’s a good thing. I didn’t want to meet my maker visibly covered in blood.

  The figure was closer to me now - a girl - and she was wearing all black as if she was in mourning. Why? Who died? Oh, wait a minute - that would be me.

  I looked behind me; there was nothing but the horizon and the color blue. Yes, I was definitely her destination, but the girl was walking so slowly, as if time had no meaning.

  I looked at my left wrist again. Oh, look. No watch. We were going nowhere fast, and that’s pretty hard to do when you’re already in the middle of nowhere. So, I did what a normal dead person would do in this situation. I started running towards her… in flip flops.

  When I was close enough to see her face, I stopped… because it was then that I first realized something. Maybe I should have been running away.

  CHAPTER 30

  Don’t get me wrong. The girl walking towards me didn’t seem scary. She was about my age, and she had the prettiest eyes - a very dark green. She had long, red curly hair that framed her cute, round face. She looked very much like Merida from the movie Brave… but (and this is a very big but) she looked quite unhappy to see me. I gulped. In this land of no emotions, a little unhappiness could mean something really big.

  Was I trespassing? That can’t be right because I didn’t even know where I was. I held my breath, and yes, apparently, the dead still breathe.

  The girl stopped right in front of me. “You’re early,” she said, frowning. “I wasn’t expecting you until much later.”

  Well, I kinda didn’t have a choice with that one.

  “Sorry,” I s
aid.

  “Well, welcome. I believe you were here before, so welcome again,” the girl said. I felt like she knew me, but I’m certain we’ve never met before.

  “Where am I?” I asked. My question was to the point; it was short and sweet. Unfortunately, the answer was quite the opposite; it was long and sour.

  “That’s not the question you should ask,” the girl said. “You have many, many choices, and all you have to do is pick the right one for you. So, the right question is where do you want to go this time?”

  All righty then. “Where do I want to go this time?” Still short and sweet.

  The girl smiled. “Come. Follow me,” she said, tilting her head towards the horizon. Then, she walked away, heading back where she came from. I sighed as I caught up to her, and we walked side by side.

  What the hey… I had time, right?

  “What’s your name?” I asked.

  The girl shrugged. “We don’t go by names here. We are all spirits. We just get confused and get tied to our old lives if we hang on to our old identities. You get stuck in the past.”

  Okay. Whatever.

  “What can I call you?” I asked.

  She shrugged again. “You can call me ‘The Most Beautiful Spirit’ if you must.”

  I think someone has a very high opinion of herself. ‘The Most Beautiful Spirit,’ indeed.

  “So, what are you?” I asked. “Are you like my guide or something?”

  “Or something,” she said.

  “Are you an angel, demon, dead human, or none of the above?”

  “Dead human.”

  Hmm… I suppose that was better than being a demon.

  “So, how’d you die?” I asked.

  Death was something we already had in common, and I was dying to tell her how I died. My story was pretty interesting. I mean, I was killed by a demon. That’s like a ‘wow’ kind of story.

  “Leukemia,” the dead girl said. “I died five years ago. It was really hard on my mom. My dad just died two years before me, and then I got sick, and… well, here I am.”

  “I’m sorry.” I thought of my own family and what they must be going through right now. Then, I thought of Luke. I hope he didn’t blame himself for my death. It wasn’t his fault that Adra was pure evil.

  “I was offed by a demon,” I said, and if I had any emotion left, I would be so mad right now. It wasn’t fair that I had to leave everyone I loved behind.

  “Really?” the girl said as she glanced at me; her eyes were sparkling with interest. “That is fascinating. I’ve never met a demon before. They don’t really make it up here as far as I know.”

  We must have walked for hours, talking about our previous lives. I found out that before she was diagnosed with leukemia, she got a tattoo on her shoulder, which made her mother very angry. I came to really like the dead girl with the crazy red hair. She had very interesting stories to tell. She also told me about her two younger sisters, who are now both in college, and her ex-boyfriend, who is now married.

  Apparently, wherever we are, we can keep tabs on the people we love, and she promised to show me how. That gave me some comfort because I wanted to check in on my family now and then, especially Emma. I wanted to know that she would be okay without me. I remember the last time I saw her, with panic in her eyes, holding a dishrag on my bloody wrist, sitting on the floor… and screaming. I will never forget her screams.

  After what seemed like walking for an eternity, I finally saw something coming out of the horizon. I squinted. Wait a second. It looked like the horizon was splitting in two horizontally.

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “You’ll see,” the dead girl said.

  We continued walking for hours until I finally made out what was in front of us. The horizon wasn’t actually a horizon. They were rows, and rows, and more endless rows of bookshelves; maybe gazillions of them stretched out as far as the eye can see.

  I scratched my head.

  “Where are the gates?” I asked. “I thought we were going to the gates.”

  The dead girl stopped walking and stared at me. Maybe she was confused.

  “The pearly gates… St. Peter’s gates… The gates to Heaven,” I said. I expected to see the gates because I was in Heaven. Right? Please say ‘right.’

  Her green eyes sparkled. “We get that a lot,” she said, trying not to laugh. “There are no gates, Paige. That’s just fiction.”

  It took us another half an hour or so of walking until we were finally right in front of the bookshelves. Behind the bookshelves were more bookshelves, and each bookshelf was filled with - you got it - books. Do I have to read all of that?

  I closed my eyes.

  Oh, crap! If I had any emotion left, even just a teeny, tiny one, I would have broken down and cried because it finally dawned on me.

  “I’m in Hell, aren’t I?”

  CHAPTER 31

  The girl laughed. A laugh indicates something funny… like a joke. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I am not in Hell. Dear God, please let me not be in Hell. I wasn’t that bad of a person, and I was really good to my dog.

  “No, silly,” the girl said. “We’re in the Library.”

  Oh, okaaaay. The Library. Yes, silly me. How could I possibly confuse the Library with Hell? Do you know what I mean? I don’t care what she says. If I have to read all of those books, then I am in Hell. I glance around, looking for an ‘exit’ sign, but I couldn’t find one. Question: How the hell do I get out of Hell?

  “So, we’re in the Library,” I said slowly. “Go on.”

  “Paige, you need to figure out what makes you happy. Figure out what your Heaven is, and while in the Library, these books will guide you.” The girl was very proud of all the books, I could tell. She had a big smile on her round face, and she was almost giddy explaining all of this to me.

  The girl opened her arms wide, gesturing towards all of the books behind her; the books were in different sizes and colors. Some of them even sparkled.

  “You could go back to Earth with a different set of skills,” she said. “You could be very gifted. You can be born a ruler of your own dynasty. You can be rich, famous, or be born a genius. You can even go to another planet; be a different life form. These books are all of your choices because Heaven isn’t just a place you can go to, it’s where you really want to be.”

  The girl paused. “Think carefully, Paige. Where do you want to be?”

  Hmmm. Okay. I get it now. I wasn’t in Hell. I was in the Library, and I get to pick my Heaven, and these books are kind of like research. I looked at all of the books in front of me. So many choices. I rubbed my hands together with glee. I was eager to start. What was my Heaven? Where do I want to be?

  “Can I be an angel?” I asked.

  “No. I’m sorry, but angels are different creatures. They are created for a specific purpose, and they have a separate destiny. You are either one of them, or you are not.” She shook her head. “And you are not.”

  “Can I talk to an angel?” I asked.

  The girl shook her head again. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but angels aren’t dead, and you are a spirit now. You are dead. You are in a different plane of existence. So, no talking.”

  Did she mean no talking to an angel, or no talking in the Library in general? Hopelessness was still an emotion, and I still had none of it, but I did have logic. I am telling you, I am so like a Vulcan right now.

  “But I can be human, right?” I asked. This was going to be easier than I thought - a definite ‘no brainer.’ I don’t need to read these books.

  She nodded.

  “I want my old life back. I want Paige Harper’s life back,” I said. I wanted there to be no confusion. “I want to be the same person, with the same family, and have the same Guardian.” She couldn’t deny me this. This was supposed to be my choice; it was my Heaven.

  “Paige, you’re missing the whole concept of being in the Library. You can be born a different person, live a different life
- a more exciting, more significant life.”

  But there was nothing wrong with the last one. Gwendolyn had it right the first time, and I had to give her credit for that. She must have done her research, looked through many books, maybe millions of them. I mean, it took her a thousand years to choose Paige Harper’s life. One thousand years!

  When I continued to stare at her in silence, the girl sighed. She walked up and down one of the bookshelves, running her fingers through the bindings as she walked. She picked up a book; a black book, about three inches thick, hardback. She opened it, her fingers quickly skimming a page as she read, and then she smiled.

  “You can be the King, unofficial ruler of the planet Earth in the year 2873,” she said with a great deal of enthusiasm. She looked at me with her eyes all big and hopeful.

  I shook my head. “Ewww. I have to be a girl,” I said. “That is not negotiable.” Being a boy anything, with boy parts, even as a king, was just kind of icky.

  “Or you can be the Queen,” she offered. “She’s beautiful, powerful, but she’s still compassionate.”

  I shook my head again. “Being some sort of powerful ruler really isn’t my thing,” I said.

  She sighed; she was letting me know without saying anything that I was beginning to bother her. The girl walked back to the same row, placing the book back where it belonged. “That was my favorite one,” she said.

  She thought for a second, tapping her fingers on her forehead.

  “A rock star?” she asked.

  “No.”

  “An actress?”

  “No.”

  “A very rich heiress?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “An astronaut?”

  I thought about it. It would be interesting, but still… “No.”

  The girl picked up another book right next to it; a yellow one, another hardback with gold-leafed pages. She read a bit.