Jamie Brown Is NOT Rich

by Adam Wallace

  ‘Seeya Jefferson,’ I called out. Dakota laughed and waved.

  ‘Who’s Jefferson?’ her mum asked her as they got into their fancy car.

  We watched them go, then Mum and Dad hugged. They looked so happy. I hugged them too.

  Katie ate a bug.

  Things were looking up for the Browns in Snootyville. They got even better.

  CHAPTER 17

  THINGS GOT

  BETTER

  TOP FIVE REASONS THINGS

  GOT BETTER

  1. Dakota’s mum had a disaster! I know, sounds bad, but wait and listen. Her maid forgot to buy food and all they had in the pantry were herbs, carrots and a banana; plus her chef was off for the day; plus, because everything had always been done for her, she didn’t know how to cook … or turn on the oven … or use a knife … and she had a big dinner party that night. Mum raced over and cooked up a feast and everyone loved it.

  2. Mr Farcelly’s car broke down right outside our house, and roadside assist were taking ages, and he didn’t know how to fix a car … or open the bonnet. Dad tinkered, got it started, and Mr Farcelly was rapt.

  3. The Nasty Jeffersons hadn’t bothered me in a week, which made life easier but made me think they were planning something.

  4. It was still two weeks till Academic Challenge.

  5. Mr Farcelly let us play British Bulldogs every lunch … as long as it was teacher supervised. Harmison and the others apologised for not coming to the party. I accepted their apology, but said I would have to tackle extra hard. They said they deserved it. Three tackles later they weren’t so sure …

  It really felt as though we were starting to belong, though, and that made me so happy. I missed Hovel Street, but being here in Snootyville was a new start, and Mum and Dad could relax and have fun rather than stressing all the time about how to feed me and Katie.

  Then, out of nowhere, one week later, things changed.

  Badly.

  As badly as if the world turned inside out and dinosaurs came back and they ate us all and then ate each other and we were stuck inside a dinosaur’s guts inside another dinosaur’s guts.

  That’s how badly things changed.

  CHAPTER 18

  WORLD

  OPPOSITE DAY

  Before you ask what World Opposite Day is, trust me, there’s no such thing. But I didn’t know that.

  TOP FIVE MISTAKES

  I MADE

  1. Believing Nasty Jefferson had come around and was being nice.

  2. Believing Nasty Jefferson at all.

  3. Wanting, for some stupid reason, to have Nasty Jefferson think I belonged in Snootyville.

  4. Believing Nasty Jefferson’s fake apology.

  5. Forgetting to wear pants to school.

  That was just a dream, but it freaked me out!

  Anyway, when Nasty Jefferson said he was sorry he’d been mean, and told me it was World Opposite Day, which was a fantastic event at Snootyville Grammar, I believed him.

  Everything I said or did had to be the opposite of the truth.

  I saw Mr Jefferson. I really wanted him to believe I could be a good student, and I thought he was really smart, so …

  ‘Duh. My name Teacher. Me big dumb purple baboon butt. Me teach. Me not know 1 + 1. Me pick nose and eat like banana.’

  See? Get it? I actually meant Mr Jefferson WAS smart, DIDN’T pick his nose, and WASN’T a big dumb purple baboon butt. I thought it was genius. He looked really angry, so I assumed he was doing a World Opposite Day thing and was actually really happy I had said what I said.

  Harmison and Dakota had seen everything and were looking at me like I was crazy, which obviously meant they thought I was a genius. So I kept going. Did I really want to fit in this badly? Apparently so …

  ‘My name’s Dakota, and I dance like a zombie that’s fallen asleep and is boring, and now I’m Harmison, and I’m just like all the other rich kids and we’re not friends and never will be.’

  Dakota’s lower lip trembled. Harmison suddenly did look like the other rich kids again.

  He led Dakota away, saying he was glad we weren’t friends, that I was meaner than any of the Snootyville kids. Dakota looked at me one more time and then they left.

  Nasty Jefferson haw hawed, and Mr Jefferson led me away by the ear.

  And that’s when I finally realised.

  There’s no such thing as World Opposite Day.

  CHAPTER 19

  DETENTION

  Detention sucks.

  That is all.

  So does getting home after detention and realising you’ve let down your mum and dad.

  CHAPTER 20

  THE SET-UP

  Mr Jefferson asked heaps of questions at Academic Challenge Training, but I was too distracted worrying about Dakota, Harmision, Mum and Dad all being angry at me.

  Eventually I got sick of the Jeffersons answering all the questions though, so I answered five questions in a row …

  ‘Cheetah!’

  ‘547!’

  ‘The Great Wall of China!’

  ‘12!’

  ‘The Sulfur-crested

  Armadillo!’

  Okay, so I got them all wrong, but at least Nasty Jefferson didn’t get to answer them!

  Then Mr Jefferson asked us to nominate a captain. The captain had to lead the team, answer any tie-break questions, and do all interviews.

  I voted …

  They voted …

  It was a total set-up. Mr Jefferson fell for it though, and said it was nice to see I was finally getting some support.

  He left, and I turned on Nasty Jefferson.

  ‘Dude, you suck. You totally set me up.’

  He laughed.

  ‘Gosh, the first thing you have got right all day. Of course I set you up. I want you gone. I don’t like you, I don’t like how the other chaps and that odd girl like you, and I don’t, ummm, like you.’

  He’d run out of things to say. I hadn’t.

  ‘Look, Little Orphan Annie, I don’t know what your problem is but …’

  ‘I just told you,’ he interrupted. ‘I don’t like you.’

  ‘Oh yeah. Well then, I know what your problem is, but are you seriously so dumb that you’d risk losing Academic Challenge just to get rid of me?’

  He put on his most devious look ever, and I knew I was in trouble.

  ‘No. That’s how smart I am! You can’t speak in front of people. All you say is toilet, which is embarrassing for you and hilarious for us.

  ‘Snootyville Grammar hasn’t won Academic Challenge in twenty-seven years. It is the only blight on the school’s record. When it looks as though you are merely attempting to be funny and are losing on purpose, we will step in to save the day and you shall be driven out of town. Then we shall make you pay us a LOT of money as an apology. It’s genius.’

  He was right. He was like an evil villain mastermind.

  Wow. He even had a good evil laugh.

  My other teammates, the ones I was captain of, laughed at me as well. Nasty Jefferson turned around and …

  He screamed, stomped his feet, then went to dry off.

  I sat there, alone, knowing this was a pit I couldn’t dig myself out of … actually, you don’t even dig out of a pit!

  I felt so dumb. I was going to be the reason we would have to leave our new life. I was letting Mum, Dad and Katie down, and I totally felt down in the dumps.

  The cleaner was still there. I wondered how much he’d seen and heard.

  He spoke to me then, sounding a lot like some sort of karate master … or Yoda.

  Then he left. My roots? What was I, a tree? Actually, that would have been nice. Trees don’t do Academic Challenges … I don’t think. Those giant talking ones in the Lord of the Rings might …

  Then I realised. He didn’t think I was a tree. He meant not to forget where I came from. And he was right. Nasty Jefferson had been right too, just in a mean bully nasty snotty way.

  I AM poo.


  Whoops, sorry, that was a typo. I’ll try again.

  I AM poor. I may live in a fancy house and have LOTS of money, but I’m still a poor kid from Hovel Street.

  But that’s a good thing. That’s what made me who I am today.

  It was time to go home.

  CHAPTER 21

  THE HOVEL

  Dad drove me. We took the Porsche. It was waaaaay too cool.

  We wore our old clothes and parked a way away then walked to Hovel Street. Dad had really taken Barnaby’s advice to heart. We knew our friends liked us for who we were, but money can make people go crazy.

  Like when this guy won the super jackpot.

  Actually, he was probably already crazy.

  I played a game of mini-golf with the triplets, and we ate some sultanas. I’d brought along some extra packs.

  It didn’t help Trav.

  I said goodbye then sat on the step with Mr Kravoski. I had 15 minutes till Dad came and got me, and I needed advice.

  ‘You sad, Jamie Brown?’ asked Mr Kravoski. He’d read my mind, another talent from his circus days. It had taken him a while to get this one perfect though.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I sad. I have to do this dumb Academic Challenge thing and the kids are only getting me to do it so I look stupid. They totally rigged me getting picked because they want us to leave.

  ‘And they tricked me into getting detention and making Mum and Dad mad, and making my new friends hate me.

  ‘It’s all too hard. I’m going to wreck things for us just as we’re starting to have a good life. I just think maybe I belong here. I’m a Hovel Street kid. This is Hovel Street. It works. I know this place, and I know who I am here.’

  I lost it a bit. I don’t usually cry, but it was all too much.

  Mr Kravoski nodded.

  ‘This just like when new monkey join troop. Other monkey nasty and play the tricky tricky. You not to forget Hovel Street, Jamie Brown, but you not to come back neither. You no let monkey live life for you. You like new place?’

  I nodded. I did like it. I liked the house and my new friends, I liked Mum and Dad being happy, and even though I missed so much of my old life, I knew my new life could be amazing.

  ‘Then you stay! You not come here except to see me and crazy triplets! Now. You Hovel Street kid, this true. But maybe new place need Hovel Street kid. Hmmmm?’

  I shrugged. Mr Kravoski continued.

  ‘You still be Jamie Brown, no one else. You have skill here, no? Still skill in new home.’

  ‘All I have is the circus stuff and mini-golf,’ I said. ‘How’s that going to help with my friends and Academic Challenge?’

  Mr Kravoski smiled.

  ‘That not all you have, Jamie Brown. You good boy. You honest. You loyal. Life like circus. You be yourself. You give 100%. Sometimes you up, sometimes you down, sometimes you fall and there no net. People be like monkey, Jamie Brown.

  ‘They mean to new monkey. They throw monkey poo to him. They no eat nits for him. You new monkey. Other monkey throw poo at you.’

  Well, Nasty Jefferson hadn’t done that … yet.

  Mr Kravoski kept talking.

  ‘But some old monkey, they like new monkey. They want be friend with new monkey. They want eat new monkey nits. Other monkey, they like when new monkey give banana. You see?’

  He wiggled his eyebrows, making me laugh like always.

  Like I said, he’s the master. I didn’t totally get it though. I wasn’t going to eat Harmison’s nits. Then my hair got itchy just thinking about nits, and when I thought about scratching my head it got itchier and I started thinking maybe I did have nits, and I needed to relax but I couldn’t so I took my putter and Mr Kravoski’s walking stick and started scratching!

  Maybe Mr Kravoski was right, though. Being me, being circus, being Hovel Street, even if things didn’t always work out, I had to be myself. I would fit in with kids who Wanted me to fit in, not kids I thought I should fit in with.

  ‘Thanks, Mr Kravoski,’ I said. ‘You’re the best.’

  I gave him a hug, and saw Dad coming. Mr Kravoski nodded and I left, still scratching my head.

  It was time to go home.

  And maybe time to get some special nit shampoo … just in case.

  CHAPTER 22

  APOLOSIES…

  WELL, BEGGING

  I saw Dakota and Harmison first thing at school. They saw me too. I think they were pretty happy to see me …

  … or maybe not.

  They walked off. I ran after them.

  ‘STOP!’ I yelled. ‘You don’t understand. Jefferson tricked me. He said it was World Opposite Day, and that the opposite of what I said would be true.’

  ‘And you believed him?’ Harmison asked.

  I nodded.

  ‘I know, it was dumb, but for some dumb reason I was dumb and I wanted that dumbhead to know I could fit in and be like all of you.’

  I had said dumb a lot. That was dumb.

  ‘But that’s why we liked you,’ Dakota said. ‘Because you’re not like all the other people here. Because you weren’t afraid to be different. But now we think maybe you are like them. Mean and nasty.’

  They walked off again. She was right. I had been mean like the Jeffersons. It was time for PLAN B. Just like Mr Kravoski had said. I ran after my friends again, gave each of them a banana, then did my best Mr Kravoski impression … although, being nervous, I may have got the words a bit wrong.

  Dakota and Harmison stared at me like I was a nutter.

  And maybe I was.

  ‘You’re saying we have nits?’ Dakota asked, her lower lip trembling again. ‘We thought we knew you, Jamie Brown, but you’re just getting worse all the time.’

  ‘NO!’ I yelled. I was getting frustrated with myself. This was not going well. I seriously did not want to throw any poo. It was time for my last resort big gun PLAN C.

  I gave it everything.

  I finished with my best move of all … Honesty.

  ‘I am really sorry, you guys. Honestly. You’re my best friends here, and I think you’re awesome, and I was stupid to say what I did. I promise I didn’t mean it.’

  They stared at me. For ages. Harmison looked at Dakota. Then he spoke, one eyebrow raised like the old Harmison.

  ‘If you think some silly tricks and a plain old banana and saying sorry will help us forgive you, you really are a silly old peasant from Peasantville who doesn’t belong and never, ever will. YOU WILL NEVER FIT IN HERE!’

  I looked at the ground. Dakota picked up from where Harmison left off.

  ‘Yeah. You’re worse than any of those Nasty Jeffersons. You are terrible at crowkay, you are terrible at juggling, and you are just plain old mean.’

  I nodded, still looking down. They were right. I’d mucked up, big time, and stupid tricks wouldn’t help. I turned to go and felt a hand on my shoulder.

  It was Harmison.

  ‘Brown? Don’t you see? I’m rather sure today is the real World Opposite Day, you dopey piece of horse manure.’

  I stared at him. World Opposite Day? Dopey piece of horse manure? He’d called me a dopey piece of horse manure?

  This … was …

  Then I realised something.

  ‘Hang on a minute. If it really is World Opposite Day, then you saying it’s World Opposite Day means it isn’t World Opposite Day which means it is World Opposite Day which means it isn’t and you still hate me so you don’t hate me and SO YOU DO!’

  We all went cross-eyed trying to work that one out.

  I walked off, still cross-eyed, and walked straight into a tree. Harmison and Dakota laughed and helped me up.

  ‘We DO forgive you, Jamie Brown,’ Dakota said. ‘You and your family are sort of the coolest people to arrive in Snootyville since forever. You’re all so … you. That’s why what you said hurt us so much. Because we know you’re honest, and because we like you. We know now that you only said what you did because you’re kind of silly though, not mean.


  ‘Besides, you need some friends to cheer you on at Academic Challenge tomorrow.’

  I smiled. It was good to be friends again … hang on a minute.

  ACADEMIC CHALLENGE TOMORROW???!!!???

  I was doomed.

  CHAPTER 23

  ACADEMIC

  CHALLENGE

  It arrived. Academic Challenge. I was a teeny bit nervous.

  Mr Jefferson was our attending teacher. He looked pretty thrilled about it, too.

  The Challenge was being held at our school, in the auditorium. It was TOTALLY packed. Our school was there, and the other schools, and all the parents, and TV crews, and even the cleaner, leaning on his mop.