I’m glad I wore a long skirt and blouse for the flight, thinking I might not be able to change. “I can do a rest-area salad if that makes things easier.”
“I’ll see what I can find.”
“Okay, I’m going to try to nap. I had to get up early for my flight.”
Derrick turns the radio back on and finds a classical station to play quietly. I close my eyes and drift off.
***
We get to the funeral home fifteen minutes after the wake begins. The family is standing in a receiving line, greeting people that want to talk to them. The room is decorated in gold and burgundy, and it lends to the depressing mood. It’s warm with the number of people crowding the space, and I realize Derrick was right. Us being here is insignificant.
From where I stand, Christian looks exhausted. He’s freshly shaven, but his eyes are dark and puffy. His shoulders are slumped, and while he’s smiling at people as he talks to them, I know it’s forced.
Gretchen doesn’t look much better. She appears frail, and the usual life that radiates from her is dull. I want so badly to scoop them both up and hold them tight. I want to take away this pain that right now seems like it will last forever.
Sandra does look stronger than her children as she smiles and handles the crowd with grace. She’s an attractive woman, and standing next to Christian, she’s smaller than I imagined.
Derrick and I go to the casket and say our prayers. But after that there isn’t anything for us to do, so we wait, talking quietly in padded chairs set in the hall outside the room. When Christian emerges, I go to him. He hugs me tighter than usual before taking me to meet his mother.
I detect a light floral scent when she grasps my hands. Papery soft, hers are cool as she says, “So nice to meet you finally, Nika. I hope your trip was uneventful.” I notice her eyes are the same gray blue as her children’s.
“Yes, thank you, and I’m sorry we’re meeting under sad circumstances.” And then I say the one thing I always hated to hear. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” I want to cringe because, really, how can you be sorry for something that wasn’t your fault? But she takes the words as they are intended and gives me a squeeze before releasing my hands.
Christian leads me away with a hand at the small of my back. He leans in to speak quietly. “We’ll be out of here soon.”
“Your dad was well liked, judging by the hundreds of people here tonight.”
“He was, and he’ll be missed by many.”
I reach up and place my hand on his cheek. He leans into my palm. “Thanks for coming.”
Gretchen has joined us, and Derrick has his arm around her waist. I reach for her and trap her in a big hug. She says, “Thanks for being here for Christian.”
Christian excuses himself for a minute, and Gretchen says to me, “He’s trying so hard to be strong, but he and my dad were really close. He’s not doing so well with this.”
I nod. “I’m here for you too. I’m sure it’s not easy for you, either.”
Her eyes glisten with fresh tears, and she sucks in her lip in an effort not to cry. I pull her back into a hug. I want to say something that will help, but I know words can’t. So I hold her as she cries.
That evening we order pizza and all try to eat some of it. The mood lightens when the stories start. By the time we go to bed there is laughter to go with the tears, offering a glimmer of hope that the family will heal.
Chapter 45
As expected, the funeral was a somber affair. Like so many times in our lives, Derrick and I stood by to watch as outsiders. Memories of distant relatives having us for Thanksgiving and Christmas came back to haunt us, but mostly it was our parents’ funeral and the awareness of the numb feeling of getting through it all. We had each other back then, as we do now, and I realize that Gretchen and Christian have the same thing.
Plates clatter in the kitchen of the Nickelson house as Derrick and I make ourselves busy cleaning up after the guests. A few of the closest family friends are still here, and we’ve snuck away so nobody will feel they have to include us. Derrick says, “We’ll need to leave for the airport at eight tomorrow morning.”
I nod and water splashes in the deep, oversized sink as I rinse silverware for the dishwasher. Twilight makes it feel much later than four in the afternoon, and I glance out the window at the expanse of snow leading to an old wooden swing set in the backyard. I’m anxious to get back because Christian isn’t sure when he will, and I have to figure out payroll along with the other financial duties he’s responsible for. I know he needs me to take over as he grieves, and I’m happy to do it, even if running everything by myself scares me a bit.
“When does school start back up for you and Gretchen?”
“Monday. We’ll be going home tomorrow.” They live a little over an hour away, and it isn’t hard for them to leave Sandra knowing Gretchen can see her as often as she needs.
Derrick places a hand on my shoulder to get my full attention. “If you need any help with the shop, let me know.”
“Thanks, but I’ll be okay. It’s not like Christian won’t walk me through anything that needs to get done, and I’m sure he’ll be doing what he can from here.”
Derrick smiles at me, but doesn’t say anything. I ask, “What?”
“I’m just proud of the woman you’ve become, that’s all.”
“Oh.” I smile as my cheeks heat up a little.
He takes me by the shoulders, and I look up at his serious face. He says, “It wasn’t much over a year ago you quit modeling and were floundering for what to do. And now you’re running a successful business and able to handle it without help.”
I lean my head against his chest and hug him. “Thanks. Knowing you’re proud means a lot to me.”
“I doubt I’m the only one.”
Christian’s voice surprises me as he says, “He’s right. I’m pretty proud of you too.”
I step away and see that all three Nickelsons have come in the kitchen, making the old farmhouse area seem crowded. I ask, “Is everyone gone?”
Sandra says, “Yes, and thank you both for cleaning up.”
Derrick says, “You’re welcome. It seemed the least we could do.”
Christian puts his arm around my waist and asks everyone, “For dinner should we eat some of the food people brought and watch movies?”
Gretchen says, “Yes, that sounds like a good idea.”
Into the second Harry Potter movie, Christian whispers in my ear, “Come up to my room with me.”
We slip away, but not without notice, as the old wood stairs creak under our feet. He brings me into a room tastefully decorated in shades of blue. I look around at what appears to be a guest room. “Where’s high-school Christian?”
“He got put in boxes after I left for college. Gretchen took over my old room.” He pulls me against his chest and nuzzles my neck. “Be thankful you don’t have to witness the geek.”
I lean my head back as he kisses my neck. “You were not a geek.”
His breath tickles me when he speaks. “I most definitely was.” He takes my mouth in a kiss that makes me begin to squirm. But before we get too heated, he breaks away.
I’m sure it’s inappropriate to have sex considering we’re in separate bedrooms, so I don’t push for more. I whisper, “I miss you.”
“I miss you too. I’m not sure how long I’ll stay. My mom needs me to help her sort out the finances, and I don’t want to leave her alone just yet.”
“Of course. Take all the time you need. I can handle things.” I stroke his face and he yawns. I guess he hasn’t gotten much sleep in the past week.
He sits on his bed and pulls me down next to him. The heavy comforter whooshes when we do. “Yeah, I’m sure you can. Call me anytime, though.”
Christian lays back and pats the bed next to him. I notice he has kicked off his shoes, and I do the same before cuddling up to him. I inhale his male scent as he wraps himself around me and says, “My dad was my idol.
When I was young I wanted to be a doctor too. Right up until college, but numbers called to me. He knew before I did I wasn’t meant for medicine and told me to follow my heart and do what was right for me.”
“Your dad sounds like an amazing role model.”
Christian’s voice is groggy. “He was.”
We lay without speaking, and when his breathing slows, I wiggle my way out of his grasp and leave him to sleep.
The next morning, I don’t want to leave. It’s below zero, and the frigid temperature makes me hug myself in the cold section of house they call the mudroom between the kitchen and door. It seems to have seeped to my heart, as if I’m losing something.
Christian hands me a travel mug so hot it almost burns my hands. “That should stay warm until Boston.” I smile at the twinkle in his eye, because it’s a glimpse of the happy Christian.
I hug him tighter than usual after our kiss good-bye. “Hurry back to me; I miss you already. Love you.”
“I love you too. Travel safe.”
My pangs of loss increase the further we get from Vermont. I wander through the airport, watching people as if I’m invisible. When a woman bumps into me and apologizes for not seeing me, I’m almost convinced. At six feet tall, I’m hard to miss.
Grateful for the empty seat next to me, my tears fall when the plane takes off. I assume I’m crying because of Christian’s loss and the memory of my parent’s death, but I fear it’s something more. Not able to put my finger on it, I don’t bother to analyze it and let myself embrace the sorrow.
Chapter 46
Puppy love can cure a lot of what ails me. Three happy dogs squirm and jump all over me when I pick them up from the kennel. Even though I want to unpack and do laundry, I take them out for a snowshoe first. It’s late in the afternoon, but the half hour of daylight out in the snow with my dogs cheers me up.
Three crazy animals, wet with melted snow, race around the house as I unzip my suitcase. It didn’t make it past my laundry area, and I throw my dirty clothes in the washer. The front-loading machine beeps as I push the power button, and it clunks lightly as it begins to turn.
Being home again comforts me, and I wander into the kitchen to see what I might have to eat. I decide on shrimp over pasta, and pull the seafood out of the freezer to thaw while I bathe. The dogs crunch down their dry food as frozen lumps of fish thud into the colander.
Pale yellow liquid splashes into a glass as I pour myself a tart Chardonnay to take upstairs with me. I let the dogs out and stand by my door to wait. I shiver now that I’ve cooled down, and sip on the wine, thinking about a hot bath.
When I’m finally immersed in lavender-scented water, I begin to plan my day tomorrow. I’m going to learn to do all the things Christian does, and I may need to hire more help to cover some of my hours on the floor. Because while this is temporary, I think opening two more shops is something I want to set in motion.
Depending on when locations open up, I could easily be expanding by next summer. The catalogue idea has blossomed in my mind, and I’m ready to devote time to making that happen as well. Yes, I think the best way to deal with Christian’s absence is to pour myself into Rhinestone Cowgirl.
Dressed in sweats and fuzzy socks, I sit down to garlic shrimp with tomatoes in a butter sauce over noodles. The pungent flavor coats my tongue and mixes with my wine in a delectable way. I’m warm and happy, eating a favorite meal, and when my phone vibrates with a text I let it sit as I enjoy my dinner.
When I’m done eating I see the message is from Christian, telling me when he’s available tomorrow to walk me through payroll. I text back that I’ll call at nine.
After cleaning the kitchen, I grab a book and cuddle on the couch with my dogs until bedtime. My mind is racing with business ideas, and if I don’t wind down I’ll have trouble sleeping. With all I want to accomplish tomorrow, rest is essential.
***
One of my favorite places to think, I’m standing by the front shop window, watching the people walk through town. A smile forms on my face when I see Kelly and Jess walking hand-in-hand. She talking away, judging by her swinging ponytail, and Kelly’s grinning. I’d heard they were dating, and they’re cute together.
The squeak of the side door opening pulls me away, and I greet Ruby as she walks in.
I lead us over to a large velvet couch where I have pastries and coffee ready for our morning meeting.
“Ruby, thank you so much for keeping things running. You and Lori made it so I wasn’t worried.”
I take a bite of a cinnamon roll and swallow sugary goodness. “I hope you didn’t get too backed up with your alterations, covering for me.”
“Actually, I’ve been slowing down on them. I find working on other people’s clothes makes me less likely to work on my own creations. I feel like it’s sucking me dry, and I’m thinking about closing my tailor shop.” She sips her latte and leans back on the couch.
“I understand. Especially if you’re making enough with your clothing line, there’s no need to work at something you don’t love.” I slide back, and the plush cushion tempts me to remove my boots and tuck my legs under me.
“Well, that’s kind of a problem, because I don’t make that much with my line. It’s a great second job, but I can’t depend on it.” She leans forward and breaks off a piece of cinnamon roll.
“What are you thinking about doing?” A pencil is holding up her bun, and I marvel at how it just stays there in her curly hair.
“I like working for you. Maybe when someone quits I can pick up their hours?”
“Certainly.” She’d be a great manager, and her request may be honored when I stop doing it to focus on other things. “Thanks for letting me know because I would love to give you more hours.”
I reach over and tear off a piece of pastry. “I’ve been thinking about expanding, and if I do, I’m going to need a manager here. Would that be something you’d be interested in?”
Her eyes light up. “Oh, gosh, yes. I really love merchandising along with selling, and that sounds like a dream job to me.”
I think big. “It would require you do the schedule and manage the girls for me too. I might be gone for days, traveling to other locations.”
She scoots forward to perch on the edge of the couch. “No problem. I would welcome the responsibility.”
“Awesome. I’ll let you know what my plans are when I sort it all out. Thank you.” I move to clean up our mess because I need to call Christian.
“No, thank you. I’m excited for the possibilities.” She grabs things and we stand.
“Me too.” I take the garbage from her so she can go back to her shop to work.
I watch her walk through the courtyard as the pencil in her hair defies the laws of physics in the strong winds.
I take a deep breath, hoping oxygen awakens my brain cells as I prepare to talk to Christian and learn bookkeeping. Math was my least favorite subject, and I’m anxious about how this is going to go. But I’m also excited to talk to him. I miss my boyfriend, a lot.
My phone is slick in my hands as I tap it to call him. The moment he answers, a smile spreads across my face.
“Hi, princess.” It’s good to hear his nickname for me.
“Hi. It’s so great to hear your voice.” I flip up the laptop, and bright light makes me blink when I turn it on.
“Yours too. Did everything go smoothly at the shop?”
“Yup. Ruby and Lori did a great job, and it’s almost like I wasn’t gone.”
“Awesome. Ready to crunch numbers?”
I open up the accounting software as I say, “I am. Be gentle with me.”
He chuckles. “Aren’t I always?”
“Well, there was this one time…”
His voice lowers in tone. “If you’re a good girl and get this done before the shop opens, maybe we can try out that phone sex idea of yours.”
“While motivating, I’m not sure it’s doing a lot for my ability to focus.”
“Okay, let’s talk numbers first.”
Forty-five minutes later, I’ve got payroll figured out, and we move on to other things. “I’ve been thinking about your ideas for expansion, and it might make sense for me to hire a manager when you get back so I can get to work on them.”
I picture him rubbing his lip with his thumb as he takes a moment to respond. “That’s not a bad idea. If we want commercial space, we should start looking at available places soon. You still think approaching Neal is the best place to start?”
“I do. I can schedule a meeting with a local real estate agency for the same day we go with him, for comparison.” I roll away from the desk and prop my feet up on it as I lean back in the chair.
“Works for me. Maybe Ruby would consider being the manager.”
“We think alike. She’s my top choice.”
I envision his smile as he says, “That’s because we’re smart.”
“Gosh, I miss you. Any idea when you might be coming back?”
It takes a moment for him to answer, and my stomach sinks. “I don’t know; there’s so much to do here.” He sighs, and it makes me wonder what he’s not telling me. He adds, “I think you should work on hiring the manager without waiting for me.”
Something’s up, but I’m not sure I should push. “Okay. I’ll keep you posted.”
“Sounds good. Look, I’ve got to go. We’ll talk later. Love you.”
Huh? “I love you too. Bye.”
I click my phone off and flip it around in my hand. I wonder what made him cut our conversation short. Not that I really thought we would have phone sex, but I expected a little more banter. The nagging feeling of loss comes back, but I shake it off as missing the man I love.
Chapter 47
It’s been a month since the funeral, and Christian still doesn’t know when he plans to come back. Something is going on, but when I ask, he finds a reason to end our call. I’m trying to be patient as he grieves, but I’m getting ready to pull Gretchen into this.
Fierce: New Adult Sport Romance (The Boys of Winter Book 4) Page 20