Comedic Arthurian Bundle: The Adventures of Queen Arthur
Page 30
“I’ll bet they are,” Thumpus said.
Buttus sighed. “And I thought you were one of the sane guards.”
“You did?” Thumpus said, looking surprised. “Thanks!”
THE FEAST
The entire troop was back together again, but for some reason only Arthur and Guinevere were wearing the white outfits. The rest had on guard uniforms, sans the helmet, including Arty.
They were standing in a large hall with an arched roof, flourishes of gold, statues and busts of people that Arthur knew nothing of, though he assumed they were past emperors or dignitaries, and people milling about, having discussions and eating delicacies. It wasn’t all that different from the parties he and Guinevere hosted in Camelot, apart from the size of the building and the number of inhabitants.
The line down the hall was rather long, but they had been told to wait because it was the royal announcer’s duty to inform the entire room of each person who was making an entrance.
“What the shet are they makin’ us wait in a queue for?” said Arty sourly. “We’re after bein’ royalty!”
“It’s not our kingdom, Arty,” Arthur pointed out, yet again.
“Oh, it ain’t?” Arty said in a grandiose fashion that was laced with sarcasm. “Don’t ye think I know that, ye dopey Englishman?”
“Hey!”
Guinevere pushed an arm between the two men and separated them.
“Enough, boys.”
They glared at each other for a few more moments before Arty looked away.
“Bah,” he said. “I’m sorry for speakin’ outta turn as such. It’s just that these britches they gave me are splittin’ me mossy marbles in two!”
“I know what you mean,” said Guinevere.”
“Ye do?”
“Well, not in this outfit,” she said, pointing at herself, “but I’ve worn a few that have had that effect.”
“Ye have?”
Trumpets sounded, as they did every minute or so, causing most people to pause their conversations and look up at the royal announcer.
Hear ye, hear ye! I hereby present Guards Cranius Rectus and Itchus Crotchius.
Conversations resumed as the two guards walked into the pit of activity, gripping wrists and slapping each other on the back. While it may have irritated the supreme guards, as Emperor Flaccidus had expressed concern over, it was abundantly clear that the lower soldiers were getting quite a boost in morale.
“These names are atrocious,” Bors announced.
“I wholeheartedly agree,” said Kay, unsurprisingly.
“I’m sure their names are fine to them, you twits,” Merlin said, looking rather silly wearing his guard outfit while maintaining the pointy hat.
“Says a man who carries the name ‘Merlin,’” countered Bors.
“Better than ‘Board Up Myanus!’” Merlin retaliated.
Galahad chuckled heartily at this.
“That’s ‘Bors De Ganis,’ and you know it.”
“How rude,” said Kay.
Arty, who was clearly ignoring everyone else’s conversation, said, “And what’s with this footwear, anyway? I don’t like having stuff between me toes.”
The trumpets burst forth again, jolting Arthur the same as they’d done each time they’d sounded. Why they couldn’t have just had a soft bell or maybe a firm clearing of the throat, he could not say. Granted, they used trumpets a lot in his day, too, but he’d decreed that it only be done outdoors.
I hereby present Guard Horatio Harrassyurass and his wife, Giganticus Mamarus.
“I must use the privy,” announced Gaheris.
“You couldn’t have gone before?” said Kay.
“I go when I go.”
“At least he warned us this time,” Galahad said before Kay could argue.
“Oh, come on, then,” Bors said, taking Gaheris by the hand as if he were a child. “Kay and I will take him to the loo and come back after all this announcing foolishness is over.”
They padded off, dragging Gaheris behind them.
“And don’t even get me started on that helmet they were after expectin’ us to wear,” said the irritable Arty. “As if I’m going to put that blasted thing on me head.”
I hereby present Guards Chokus de Chickenus and Drunkus Askunkus.
“The food smells good, anyway,” Merlin said as he stepped from foot to foot.
Arthur understood the wizard’s movements since the sandals provided little support. The soles of his feet were already aching and he had the feeling his heels would be bruised before the day was over.
But Merlin was right: The food did smell good. There was a buffet of meats, vegetables, fruits, and desserts that was setting Arthur’s stomach to grumbling. He’d never been one to have a sweet tooth, but his mouth salivated at the sight of the large white cake that sat at the end of the table. It was slowly shrinking in size as people partook of its yumminess, though, so Arthur feared he may not have the opportunity to sample its delights.
“The food is intoxicating,” agreed Galalad, “but a more pressing issue is on my mind.”
“What?” said Merlin.
“How do we get back to our time?”
“Oh, that. Definitely a problem.”
Arty began to fidget again. “It’s like they purposefully want to make sure yer danglers never meet each other again!”
I hereby announce Guard Tortoise Beats Rabbitus and his escort, Bodacious Bootius.
“The truth is that we may well be trapped here for a while,” Merlin stated as they inched forward.
“At least a month,” Galahad said. “Allison assured us they’d visit, but that only happens about once a month, right?”
“Before she had a kid, yeah.”
“I’m feelin’ a breeze, too,” said Arty, spinning around. “Is me crack after showin’?”
I hereby present Guards Prematuria Jackulus, Hernia Rupturus, and Roidus Ragius.
“We’ll just have to learn to make the best of things until Allison and Lance-A-Lot catch on to what has happened,” said Guinevere as she grabbed Arthur’s arm and pointed excitedly at one of the flaming dishes.
“Precisely,” said Arthur, giving her a nod at the beauty of the dish she’d indicated. “There are many things that we can bring to the table in a world as ancient as this.”
“No, we can’t,” Merlin said soberly. “Remember, anything we do could affect the timeline.”
“Exactly,” Galahad agreed with a grunt.
“Maybe I’ve just got this on wrong?” Arty said, wincing. “I’m after gettin’ chaffed!”
I hereby present Hottus Totrottus, Tittus Fascinaticus, and Isconstantly Flashingus.
“Well, we can’t just do nothing while waiting for them to rescue us.”
“Arthur is right,” said Guinevere. “Hopefully Apollo and Athena will aid us with our plight.”
Merlin scratched his beard. “I’m still baffled they truly exist.”
“You don’t believe they’re really gods, right?” said Galahad, seemingly taken aback by Merlin’s words.
“Of course not, you square-headed mongrel.”
“Ye’d think they could have used something other than leather, yeah?” Arty asked. “Or at least have been after softnin’ the edges.”
I hereby present Guards Scratchus Continuous, Sextus Transmitus Disius, Tellus Anotherus, Tinius Weenus, and Hugi Bearus.
They moved forward a bit more. At least now Arthur was able to see the front of the line. If they didn’t get to the tables soon, the food would be all but gone. He could only hope there was more being prepared; otherwise, the caterer sorely underestimated how much sustenance it took to feed soldiers.
“What we’ll need to do is lay low until Allison arrives,” said Merlin. “Talk to as few people as possible, and don’t make any suggestions to the people in this era. Even just a simple act of getting two people to talk to each other who never would have before could be catastrophic.”
“Truly?”
“It could change everything, Gwen.”
“Oh... Hmmm.”
“Gwen,” said Merlin with a squint, “why do you look concerned?”
Arty started doing short squats. “Pretty soon I’m just gonna take the damn thing off!”
Hear ye, hear ye! I hereby present Guard Ballus Hairus, his wife Nippletonia, and their sons, Forskinius, Pubius, and Dave.
“‘Dave’?” said Galahad, looking at the others.
“That’s what I heard, too,” Arthur said.
“Odd name.”
“Not really, Galahad.”
“I mean for ancient Rome, sire.”
“Ah.”
“Gwen,” Merlin pressed, “is there something you want to tell us?”
“Not really.”
“Okay, is there something you need to tell us?”
“I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“Oh, great,” Arty whined. “Now it’s startin’ ta itch!”
I hereby present Guard Cornus Holious and his wife, Vaginitus.
It seemed as though the line was moving more quickly all of a sudden. Arthur had noticed that one of the supreme guards—at least he assumed the man was a supreme guard since he was on duty—had come up and given a message to the announcer.
“Gwen?” said Merlin.
“Well,” Gwen said as they shuffled forward, “it’s just that these two guards obviously had the hots for each other and, well, I let them use our room.”
“Me feet hurt, me soggy sack’s gettin’ split, and me taint is after itchin’ like the devil,” stated Arty. “Am I truly the only one feelin’ this?”
I hereby present Guards Muttus Nuttus, Sweetus Parfaitius, Schlongus Longorius, Harrius Palmus, and Rectumus Odiferous.
“Why did you offer them your room?” Merlin said to Guinevere.
“To have relations, what do you think?”
“Oh boy,” said Merlin and Galahad in unison.
“Anyone have a tissue or a bit of cloth?” Arty asked.
I hereby present Folatio the Philanderer, Dubius Phallaci, Wankus Maximus, Dropa de Turda, and Senilius… What’s that? You’re at a party, Senilius. Yes? For the guards. Hmmm? Yes, Senilius, you’re a guard. Now just move along, will you?
“Looks like we’re up next,” said Galahad as they approached the royal announcer, who took the cards they had handwritten their names upon.
Hear ye, hear ye! I hereby present Art Hurr, Gwen of Ear, Gallonhead, Art Tee, and ... Merlin.
“Why’d he only get your name right?” said Arthur as they walked past the announcer.
“How am I supposed to know?”
“Gallonhead is not even close,” complained Galahad.
“Oh, shet,” said Arty pathetically. “We’re after havin’ to walk down steps now?”
IT'S A WEAPON!
Bors, Kay, and Gaheris had returned, lucky to avoid having their names butchered by the royal announcer, and after everyone got their fill of food, they headed over to the table where Emperor Flaccidus, Queen Slutius, Apollo, and Athena sat. There was a group of large guards standing in a semi-circle in front of the table. In front of them were…
“Lance-A-Lot?” said Arthur with a start.
“Allison?” Merlin chimed in.
The guards backed away slightly, allowing the new arrivals to step into the mix.
“Good to see you, sire,” Lance said with a nod. He then bowed to Guinevere. “My lady.”
“Again,” said Arthur tightly, “she’s my lady.”
“Sorry, sire.”
“I haven’t any idea who these new people are, my love,” Slutius was saying to Flaccidus, “but I warn you to be cautious because that one looks to be carrying a club in his pants.”
Flaccidus snapped his head back and deftly pointed. “Guards, seize that man!”
“What is the meaning of this?” said Arthur, jumping between the guards and his knight. The other knights, along with Arty, moved into position as well. “Why are you putting guards after this man?”
“He has clearly got some kind of weapon there,” the emperor said, pointing.
“Where?” said Arthur, feeling confused.
Flaccidus pointed. “There!”
“That’s not after bein’ a weapon, ye moronic emperor,” Arty said, still wincing uncomfortably from the garb he was wearing.
“Slayed me with it more than once,” said Guinevere.
Arthur jolted. “More than once?”
“Well, it was the same night.”
“Agh! It was bad enough when I’d thought he’d just done it the one time.”
“Oh no, many times,” Guinevere said proudly. “Just one night. Took me weeks to recover, though.”
“Ew,” said Arthur, thinking the food he’d just eaten might make an encore presentation. “I don’t want to hear this!”
“I wouldn’t mind hearing about it,” Athena said with a wicked grin.
“Me either, sister,” agreed Apollo.
Athena ignored him. “Would rather experience it, though.”
“Oooh, snap,” Apollo said while moving his head from side to side.
“Sorry, sire.”
The Roman guards and the English knights—and Arty, who was so irritated at his current wardrobe situation that Arthur assumed he could have managed the fight all on his own—were staring each other down. It was clearly a losing proposition for the knights, but it was in their training to fight for right.
“I don’t understand what’s going on here,” Flaccidus said, motioning for his guards to back down. “What are you all discussing?”
Arty did another short squat and scrunched his face as though he’d just caught wind of Sir Gaheris’s britches.
“Just that the thing in that one’s pants,” said the Scottish king, “is a different kind of weapon than yer after thinkin’ it is.”
“What do you mean?” said Flaccidus.
Arty straightened up. “It’s his beef cannon.”
“Sorry, his what?” Flaccidus replied with a frown.
“Angry cucumber.”
“I don’t understand.”
“His tummy banana.”
“Wait,” Flaccidus said, “are you telling me that’s a piece of fruit?”
“Nay, it’s his dangling spout.”
“Huh?”
Arty took a deep breath and answered, “His pointy plug, hefty hose, lap club, love python, soldier sausage, dragon dagger, pocket rope, gnarled trunk, stud stilt—”
“You are making no sense at all to me,” Flaccidus interrupted, sitting back in his chair while throwing his hands up in surrender.
“Hmmm,” said Arty, and then snapped his fingers. “Ah ha! It’s his Veinous Maximus!”
“Veinous Maximus?” said Arthur.
Arty shrugged. “When in Rome, yeah?”
“Are you trying to tell me that that lump in his trousers is his praetorian penetrator?” said Flaccidus.
“Uh…” It was Arty’s turn to squint. “Maybe?”
“Oh,” Slutius said with glee. “I see the outline now. Yes, that’s not a weapon. I mean, well, it does look dangerous. In a good way. A very, very good—”
“Honestly,” Flaccidus cut her off, “it’s like you just can’t get enough. You should have been named Wantsitalot or something.”
“Seriously?” said Guinevere. “Her name is already Slutius.”
“So?”
“Never mind.”
“Anyway,” Flaccidus said, setting his hands on the table, “you obviously know these new people, Arthur?”
“We do,” answered Arthur. “This is Sir Lance-A-Lot, another of my knights, and this is his wife, Allison Smith.”
“Ah ha,” Flaccidus said, pointing sternly at Allison. “So you’re the one who had a costume party and didn’t invite me?”
“I did?” Allison replied, looking around.
“Just roll with it,” Merlin whispered. “We didn’t expect you to arrive so soon.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Flaccidus replied, looking injured by her comment. “I like to dress up and have fun. Just because I’m an emperor doesn’t mean I’m a stick-in-the-mud.”
“No,” agreed Athena. “That would be Apollo.”
Apollo sat up. “What?”
“Well,” Allison continued, “I’ll remember for next time.”
“There may not be a next time,” said Flaccidus sinisterly.
“All right, all right,” Athena said, waving her hands. “Calm down, Flaccidus, and everyone else. These people are under our protection.”
That shut everyone up. It was one thing to go against the Roman soldiers, but it was entirely something else to do battle with those whom the Roman soldiers feared.
“I cannae take it anymore,” said Arty as he reached under himself and pulled down on the leather strap that had been squishing his nethers.
Everyone cringed at the sight of Arty’s junk dangling freely.
“Who the shet made these outfits? This strap is threatenin’ to snip off me tenderviddles, it is.”
“That’s not supposed to go under there,” said Athena, giggling. “It’s meant for holding a dagger.”
“It is after holdin’ me dagger!”
“No,” she said while pointing around at the other soldiers who had on the same outfit. “See?”
“Damn. I’ll be back.”
“So what do we do now?” said Arthur as he watched Arty skitter away while reaching under his person to hold the strap down.
“I don’t know about the rest of you,” said Athena, “but I could stand a little alone time with Lance-A-Lot.”
Slutius cooed, “Me too.”
“For the love of…” Flaccidus stopped and then just shrugged. “You know what. Just do it. I’ve had about enough of you anyway.”