“Back off, ladies,” Allison said, pulling Lance closer to her. “He’s mine.”
“Excuse me?” said Athena as though Allison was naught but an antagonistic little fly.
“He’s my husband.”
“So?”
“And he also slept with your mother,” Allison said with a look that said she believed she’d just gotten an edge.
Athena’s expression contorted. “He slept with my father’s forehead?”
“What?”
“Long story,” Apollo interjected, “and nobody believes it anyway.”
“Wait,” Athena piped up again, “are you saying he slept with Leto?”
“Precisely.”
“Ew. Well, that ruins that.”
“I’m still okay with it,” announced Slutius.
“Of course you are,” Flaccidus wailed. “You’re a damn slut!” He instantly stopped with a look of eureka. “Oh,” he said, turning to Guinevere, “I hear it now.”
Guinevere gave him a wan smile.
“Right,” said Arthur before this could go any further. “Well, seeing that we’ve resolved that issue—though it does always seem to be a point of discussion with him around—what do we do now?”
TIME TO GO
Arthur stood with Arty and Flaccidus near one of the columns. Arty had addressed his wardrobe malfunction, but he was still shifting from side to side and wincing now and then.
Allison and Merlin were busily discussing the transporter technology with Apollo and Athena as Queen Slutius stood over by one of the windows chatting up Sir Lance-A-Lot.
“Don’t let him do it,” Arty was saying to Flaccidus. “Ye’ll be after regretting it for all yer days.”
“The way I see it, she’ll get it out of her system,” Flaccidus replied with a shrug.
“That ain’t the problem,” Arty replied. “It’s the getting it in to her system that ye should be worried about.”
“Oh.”
“He’ll not do anything anyway,” Arthur said. “Allison is here, and unless she approves of Lance having relations with another woman, he won’t partake. He’s honorable that way. When he’s single, he’s a regular horn dog—to borrow a term from Merlin, but when he has a significant other, he wouldn’t dare step out on her, unless, again, she approved of such a deed.”
As if on cue, Slutius looked suddenly sad. Lance put a hand on her shoulder for a moment before walking back over to Allison.
“See?”
“Aye,” said Arty.
“Whew,” said Flaccidus.
“Ye don’t know the half of it,” Arty said, “and ye’ll be damn glad yer wife ain’t after knowin’ the whole of it!”
“Right,” said Arthur as he motioned towards Merlin and the gods. “I’m going to start rounding everyone up.”
The discussion that he’d entered was full of words he didn’t understand. This wasn’t uncommon when it came to speaking with the likes of Merlin, but at least he could ask for definitions during those one-on-one talks. With this bunch bandying about words regarding time travel, computers, and other odd-sounding terms, it was akin to standing with a group of people who were all speaking a foreign language.
“Sorry to interrupt,” Arthur said at a break in the conversation, “but we should really be getting back.”
“True,” Merlin agreed. “We’ve overstayed our welcome as it is.”
“Actually, how exactly are we going to get back?” asked Galahad.
“I have a personal transport device,” she answered, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a small box. “I just need you all to join me in one of the rooms or some other location where it’s just us. Then I’ll transport to Merlin’s house, set up the computer, and have you all transported as well.”
Merlin raised an eyebrow. “Clever.”
“Comes with the territory.”
Arthur took one last look around the hall. It was beautiful, to be sure. He’d almost wished Merlin had brought along one of his picture-taking devices so he could permanently capture the moment.
“Well,” he said to Apollo and Athena, “it was definitely an interesting stay.”
“Sorry about how Flaccidus treated you when you arrived,” Athena said with a frown. “Again, he’s just a temporary fill-in until we find someone more fitting for the job.”
“He wasn’t so bad,” said Arthur. “Merely trying to protect his land.”
“If you say so.”
“He’s a boob,” Apollo stated outright. Everyone looked at him. “What? He is.”
“Right, well, then.”
Arthur bowed and stepped away.
Guinevere was speaking with Guards Probius and Clearlyachickus by the main door. The two lovebirds looked to be glowing. While Arthur still found their behavior unprofessional, he couldn’t help but appreciate that they’d found happiness with each other. This was especially true because he knew how Guinevere so loved playing the role of cupid.
Probius had more of a relieved look than a joyous one, but Arthur understood that relief was akin to happiness when it came to certain soldiers.
“We have to leave, my persimmon,” said Arthur, giving a smile to Clearlyachickus.
“Already?”
“Sorry, dear, but it’s time.”
“Oh, all right.”
She gave Clearlyachickus a prolonged hug, which left Arthur feeling as though he should at least shake hands with Probius.
“Was a pleasure meeting you,” Arthur said in a cordial tone.
“And you, sire.”
Arthur felt as though he should say something more. He was never one for these awkward moments.
“Uh… may you have lots of success in your life.”
“Thank you, sire.”
“Uh… and may all of your dreams come true.”
“That would be wonderful, sire.”
“Uh… and may you have lots of children who grow to do great things.”
“Most kind, sire.”
“Uh… and may your lineage be great and produce kingdoms of splendor.” He was really reaching now.
“It would be a dream come true, sire.” Probius shifted uncomfortably. “My apologies for the lack of discipline outside of your room. It was just—“
“No, no,” Arthur said, seeing that the man was woefully distraught over the situation. A king learned over time when a soldier was just playing the game of sorrow—Purcivale and Tristan came to mind—and when he was genuine. “As the pointy-hat wearing fellow over there would said, ‘We’re good.’”
“Thank you, sire.”
“Right.” Arthur cleared his throat. “My love?”
“Don’t they make a wonderful couple dear?” Guinevere said, glowing.
Arthur peeked over his shoulder again at Merlin. The wizard would not take kindly to Guinevere having been a part of this union. She clearly understood Arthur’s worry, too, as she gave him one of those “oopsie” looks.
“And I’m equally thrilled that you helped me to see the light, my lady,” Clearlyachickus said. “I’m going to start an underground movement to improve the well-being of ladies everywhere in Rome.”
“That’s wonderful,” said Guinevere, beaming. “Isn’t it, Arthur?”
“Uh… yes, of course. Wonderful.”
Arthur quickly locked eyes with Probius, who remained stoic. If he were feeling any concern over the words of his new lover, he was hiding it well. This told Arthur the relationship between these two had a solid chance of success.
“Puddin’,” Arthur said again, “we should really be moving along. Merlin is going to start getting—“
“Yes, you’re right,” she interrupted. “Farewell to you both. I’m sure you’ll live happily ever after, as they say.”
They padded off to a room where the rest of the troop had gone. It was much smaller than the other rooms Arthur had seen, but it still carried the same style of decor and coloring. Honestly, there wasn’t a room he’d seen on this trip that wasn’t imp
ressive… aside from the dungeon, of course.
“Good luck to you all,” said Athena as she and Apollo stood at the door. “We’ll assuredly see some of you soon.”
“Looking forward to it,” Merlin said, seeming to have changed his mind on the role of these self-proclaimed gods.
The door shut, leaving the original troop, plus Lance-A-Lot and Allison.
“Okay,” said Allison. “I’m going to transport to the future and will bring you along shortly. It should only take a couple of minutes.” She was about to press a button on a little device she was carrying, but stopped. “Nobody leave this room, understood?”
“I stay where I stay,” announced Gaheris.
“We’ll be here,” affirmed Arthur.
“Aye,” Arty agreed. “I’m tired of this shet. I wanna be after gettin’ home!”
“Good,” said Allison, and then pressed the button.
BACK TO CAMELOT
The moment they returned to Merlin’s house, Arty jumped off the platform and breathed a sigh of relief.
“Never thought I’d be happy to be back in this damn tree.”
“It is good to be home,” Merlin said with a smile. “Also, you may not have noticed, but you two dudes look like kings again.”
Arthur glanced over at Arty, seeing the man in his full Scottish outfit. Arty was looking back, nodding and grinning in a way to let Arthur know that he, too, was seeing only Arthur’s English garb. Guinevere was dressed in pantaloons still, but she didn’t have one of the Rings of Veiling that Arthur and Arty had.
They heard the sound of song coming from the other room. Well, more precisely, they heard two drunken men singing two different songs as if competing with each other.
When they rounded the corner, they found Sir Bedivere standing face to face with a Scottish soldier, both of whom were drinking, laughing, and singing.
“What’s this after bein’, then, Doonan?” said Arty.
“Hmmm?” Doonan said, looking as though he were having trouble maintaining his balance. “Ooooh, shet. Sorry… hic… sire! They had tequila.”
“Ta kill who?” said Arty.
Merlin held up a bottle and tipped it, showing that the contents had been drained. “Tequila. It’s a potent brand of booze.”
“It’s Sir Bedivere’s primary skill,” Arthur said in accusation, staring at the bottle.
Arty looked at him. “What?”
“Drinking,” Arthur answered.
“Same with Doonan,” Arty said, “though he was supposed to have had therapy for that… among other things we shan’t rightly mention. Now, tell me, ye rangy soldier, what are ye after doin’ here?”
“Calle... hic... told me to come up and find ye, sire.” Doonan swallowed hard and shook his head. “I seen some things here that I cannae unsee, but I shan’t… hic… say a word ter nobody aboot it. Ever. Hic. Trust me!”
“Well, I’ll have Ceallache’s head on a platter for that. Told him ta stay put, I did!”
Doonan winked. “Ooookay,” he said in sing-song fashion.
“Wait a second here,” said Merlin, taking off his hat and setting it aside. “Shouldn’t we have come back merely minutes from when we originally left?”
“I didn’t think it would matter a few days either way,” answered Allison.
“How long have we been gone, then, local time?”
“About a week,” she answered.
“Oh,” Arty said, lowering his hackles. “Well, that’s after bein’ different, then.”
“Ooookay.”
“Actually, Arty,” Arthur said curiously, “I never did ask you why you came up to visit me in the first place.”
“Oh yeah, aboot that. Me wife is throwin’ a bash and wanted me to invite ye and yer Nets.”
“My Nets?”
“He means knights,” noted Guinevere.
“Aye, and don’t get started on that,” warned Arty. “It’s been a long week, yeah?”
“Sorry,” said Arthur. “Couldn’t you have just sent a messenger?”
“Aye, and after all that’s happened, I’ll damn sure be after doin’ that next time!” He then leaned in and added, “But I wanted to make sure not all of your Nets made it. Me queen still fancies another rumble with the human axe-handle.”
“Sorry, sire,” said Lance, obviously overhearing.
“Do you sleep with everyone?” said Allison irritably.
“Slept with you,” noted Merlin.
“True.” She dropped her angst. “Sorry, Mitch.”
“Well,” said Arthur, “we’d be delighted to join your party. Wouldn’t we, dear?”
“Of course!”
Arty nodded. “Good, good. Uh—”
“Tell your wife that Lance and I have other plans,” Allison said as Arty glanced at them.
“Aye.” He then made a “whew” sound. “Sets me mind at ease, that.”
“Speaking of having other plans,” Allison said, glancing at the metal band on her wrist, “we should really be getting back to little Mitchy.”
“Yes, dear,” agreed Lance before turning to Arthur. “Sire, I shall return again in a few weeks to do my monthly tour of duty.”
“That’s fine,” Arthur said. “Thanks to you both for fetching us from Rome. I wasn’t all that excited to stay there for long.”
“It was my fault you got put in the wrong time and place anyway,” Allison admitted. “Well, technically, it was Galahad’s fault because he kept fiddling with things.”
Galahad coughed. “Sorry.”
“Lesson learned,” she said in a kind way. “You’ll get better at it, Gal.”
“Thanks, Al.”
Allison frowned at him. “Touché.”
They said their goodbyes and headed off to the transporter. Arthur would be lying if he said he wouldn’t miss Lance-A-Lot. The king could do without certain reminders of the man, but Lance wasn’t the lead knight due to his third leg. He was a good soldier who was conscientious and duty-bound.
Everyone stepped out into the waning sunlight.
It was quite a vision. The street below was still bustling with activity as guards marched along the parapets and the alleyways. Fresh baked goods and grilled meats could be smelled even from their perch at the top of the hill, and though Arthur had already been filled to the brink with foodstuffs from the Roman era, he couldn’t help but have a craving for a crumpet or two.
“Gah, guh,” said Gaheris suddenly.
“What are ye doin’, man?” Arty said, stepping away from the large knight. “There’s no fight to be had.”
“He goes where he goes,” Galahad noted before Gaheris could defend himself.
“Vile, it is,” claimed Arty.
“Go home and do that, Gaheris!”
“Sorry, sire,” Gaheris said to Arthur with a look of shame as he clomped down the hill toward the row of houses that marked the Knights’ Quarters.
“Well, we’re off to see how the theater is doing,” announced Bors.
“Probably falling apart without us,” stated Kay happily.
They nodded at each other and then at the rest of the troop before turning to walk down the hill.
“I suppose we should check in on the wives, too,” Bors could be heard saying.
“Probably having a blast without us,” Kay replied.
Arthur glanced over at the Scottish king. The man looked rather regal with his magical ring hiding his true choice of garb.
“Well, Arty, it was good of you to come. You’re welcome to stay longer, if you’d like.”
“Nay, I’d best be gettin’ back before Calle goes and starts stormin’ the walls here.”
“Understood.”
The two men gripped arms for a moment, needing no words to explain the kinship (and queenship) they shared. It wasn’t likely that another reign of two kings from the lands of Scotland and England would ever again exist that could claim to share both a vision of peace and sense of fashion.
“See ye at the p
arty in a few weeks,” Arty said with a nod to Guinevere. “Come along, Doonan.”
“Ooookay.”
“Bye, Doonan,” Bedivere called out. “Was fu... hic... fun!”
“Aye, it was,” Doonan called back, stumbling as he walked. “Yer after bein’ ooookay in… hic… me book.”
“Tha...hic...thanks,” Bedivere said an instant before his eyes rolled up into his head and he passed out.
After all they’d been through over the last week, Arthur knew things were going to be pretty dull for a while. He needed a break, certainly—they all did—but seeing the wonders of both the future and the past made him see the present as mundane. Then again, he had something that neither era had, at least not unless you went inside a medieval dinner theater. He had true knights with true sport and true feasts that none could outdo. Though he did quite fancy the cake from the Roman times.
“I just want to make sure that everyone realizes we can’t talk about any of this,” Merlin said to nobody in particular.
“Yep,” said Galahad.
“Indeed,” agreed Arthur.
Guinevere merely nodded, looking off into the distance as a nice breeze blew across the lot of them.
“Off with you, then,” Merlin said, shooing them away. “I have to catch some sleep and start figuring out what’s falling apart in this area so Galahad and I can fix it.”
“Ugh,” Galahad said by way of agreement.
As Arthur and Guinevere walked down the path that led to their beloved castle, they held each other’s hand. It was nice to know that the peasants couldn’t see what he was truly wearing, especially on such a fine evening.
“I think I shall miss that adventure, Arthur.”
“Oddly, so shall I, my persimmon.”
“Maybe we can do it again sometime?” she said as they turned a corner.
“Never say, ‘never,’ as they say.”
“Indeed,” Guinevere said, smiling. “Indeed.”
GENE. E. ALOGY
Two weeks later Guinevere had reminded Arthur of the appointment she’d set up with one of the new scholars in town. The man’s name was Gene E. Alogy. Arthur hadn’t bothered to ask what the “E” stood for. Looking at the squat fellow, with his balding head, ruddy cheeks, and disheveled clothing, Arthur guessed “Egbert” would have been fitting. He only thought this because he had gone to school with an Egbert who looked just like the man, with the exception that the younger Egbert had hair.
Comedic Arthurian Bundle: The Adventures of Queen Arthur Page 31