You'll Think of Me

by Franco, Lucia

  “Funny thing is, I think you do you mean that.”

  “Please…” Olivia pleaded for him to believe her. “There is no excuse for my actions, I know that. You need to know that you were the first person I truly cared about since Luke. That’s the truth. You were never second best, Nate. Don’t ever think that. I fucked up, I know that.”

  “Were.”

  Olivia looked puzzled.

  “You said ‘were.’ Everything you just said was past tense. Tell me, Liv, when did it change?” he asked in a broken whisper.

  Bringing his hand up, Nate cupped her cheeks. “This is where the road ends for us, Liv. You go your way and I’ll go mine. It’s as good as it can ever be, but it’s not enough,” he said as he pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and cupped her face, his thumb grazing her jaw.

  Tightness suffocated Olivia’s chest as she replayed Nate’s words in her mind. They weren’t cruel or harsh, but spoken with a sad clarity that racked her soul.

  “I think I’ve been fooling myself all along. When I watched Luke look at you that night at Rum Bar, I knew. I just didn’t want to accept it.”

  Olivia heard nothing except for the pounding against her ribs. Everything was a blur around them, fading as his words struck the center of her.

  With an ache in his voice, he continued. “You love me on some level, but it’s just not the same kind of love. I hate knowing you share a connection with another guy just as strong, if not more. And before you say you don’t, take it from an outsider’s point of view, you do. Would it be fair to string us both along when we both know in the end it’s not what you truly want?”

  Nate placed his arms around Olivia’s shoulders and pulled her close. Her eyes were rimmed with tears, tattered from admitting the truth, but from hurting Nate most of all. She wrapped her arms around his back, her small hands fisting his shirt and held on. She licked her dry lips and bit down hard, trying to ease the now agonizing pain that lacerated her heart. She never meant to hurt him.

  “It’s alright, Liv. I understand it all too well. Just…let me down easy.”

  Olivia’s emotions swelled painfully inside of her. Her legs were weak and her heart heaved as she fought the tears that streamed down her cheeks. She did love him on some level, but he was right. It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

  Placing his forehead against hers, he whispered, “It’s okay…Liv. I’m disappointed and pissed off at myself for thinking I could be enough this whole time when all along I never was. I fought hard for you in the beginning, but if I can’t have all of you, then I don’t want any of you. This is a two way street, honey. I hate to admit it, but Luke is one lucky guy.”

  “You say that like I’m going to run into his arms.”

  “Maybe not right now, but you will.”

  Nate opened the front door and walked out, Olivia silently followed him wrenched with sadness Olivia said, “Look, Nate—”

  “Don’t, Olivia. This is the end of the road for us. Just know that I loved you and could’ve loved you more than any other woman if you had let me, but you couldn’t. And it’s okay, baby. I’m not mad. I’m just hurt. It’s written in your eyes, Liv, you belong to someone else. I want to be able to love my woman fully and completely without holding back. You’re worth fighting for, don’t misunderstand me, but not when I’m dealing with a heart I never had to begin with. That guy is going to be one lucky man. Just wish it could’ve been me.”

  Hot tears threatened to spill down Olivia’s cold cheeks listening to Nate’s straightforward words. They were painful to hear and struck a chord deep inside her heart, even if they weren’t meant to, and she knew they weren’t full of malice. That’s not who Nate was, but that’s exactly how the truth was. It showed an ugly and depressing side of things people chose to ignore and only listened to when forced. People didn’t like the truth if wasn’t in their favor.

  Finding her voice, Olivia tried to speak, but it came out in a whisper. “Alright, Nate. You win.” She could hardly meet his eyes.

  Nate let out a sad chuckle over the irony of Olivia’s last statement.

  “No. You win. Nate-0, Liv for the win,” he finished.

  A loud sob erupted Olivia’s throat as she broke down and cried harder. The truth hurt. Big time. Reaching over, Nate pulled her into his arms.

  “Just wait,” he murmured into her hair. “Let me hold you one last time, a few more minutes.”

  And so she did. It was the least she could give him.

  Later that night was painfully quiet for Olivia, a certain calmness settled in the air as she lay alone in her bed.

  The hurt ran deep.

  “So he left? Just like that?” Lisa asked on the phone.

  “Yeah, but can you blame him? I probably would have too if I’d been in his place.”

  “I guess so. And you haven’t heard from him since?”

  “Nope. Not one word, Lisa.” Olivia took a deep breath, relaxed into the couch cushion. “I fucked up. I don’t know why I would expect a call.”

  “You totally fucked up. Considering your past, and how much you hid from him, I’d be surprised if he ever spoke to you again.”

  Leave it to Lisa to give it to her the only way she could: blunt honesty.

  Olivia had given Lisa a replay of everything, from the episode at Rum Bar to the break-up.

  When Olivia hadn’t heard from Nate, she caved and called. But after four days, she stopped.

  “What about Luke? Have you told him to stop with the messaging?”

  “No. I can’t, Lisa. I mean, I probably should, but I just can’t. How would you feel if you were hundreds of miles away and couldn’t do anything to help your mother?”

  Sarcastically, Lisa said, “My mother’s dead! So I really can’t see your view point or his.”

  “Lisa!” She chuckled at Lisa’s warped sense of humor. “Come on. Be serious for once in your life and give me your honest opinion.”

  Lisa groaned into her answer. “I guess I see where you’re coming from...”

  Pulling the blanket up to cover her legs, Olivia whispered, “What am I supposed to do, Lisa?”

  “You get over Nate.”

  “Thanks,” she retorted dryly. “You know, this is your fault. You’re the one who pushed me to date Nate. I blame you for it all,” Olivia said playfully.

  “Hey, sometimes you have to take a chance, right? Liv, let me ask you a question, but you have to answer it honestly.”

  Olivia straightened. “Alright…”

  “After all you’ve told me about what’s been going on, do you think it’s possible you still love Luke?”

  “Jesus…” Talk about getting to the root of the issue.

  “Hear me out. I’m being real right now.” Lisa laughed. “I know, sounds comical coming from me and all, so don’t laugh. In all seriousness, everything would make sense if you do, Liv.”

  “I never hid the messages, Lisa. Just didn’t think I needed to tell him. It wasn’t as though I was doing anything wrong.”

  “You know what I mean, Olivia. Don’t beat around the bush trying to ignore the question, and don’t even try to lie to me. You totally kept those messages from him. Just think about it for a minute.”

  Olivia thought about Lisa’s question before she responded. Would she be lying if she said her body didn’t respond to being in Luke’s arms? Yes. Would she be lying if she said the connection with him was completely gone after all these years? For sure. Oh, who was she kidding?

  Maybe her feelings had never left, but they weren’t the same people. But was what he sang really true?

  Clearing her throat, she gave Lisa her honest answer.

  “Truth is,” she said softly, “I think I’ll always love him. I can’t help it. It’s just…always there, but it doesn’t mean I can’t love someone else. We can love more than one person, right?”

  “You’re asking the wrong person that question, honey.”

  Oddly enough, Olivia felt like a weight had
been lifted from her chest. She breathed in a sigh of relief.

  Olivia’s phone was ringing and it took her a few moments to rummage through her purse to locate it.

  Thankfully, Diane had informed her that Luke was back in the studio recording a new album, so she didn’t have to face him, but they continued to text. Though, Olivia only gave him so much information about his mom. It was up to Diane to tell Luke the rest.

  Olivia silenced the ringing.

  This time a text message came in.

  Luke: Pick up the damn phone Olivia.

  Olivia: No. I’m working. What do you need?

  Luke: I need you to pick up your phone. I have a question.

  Olivia: I’m right here. What’s your question?

  Luke: I’m miles away and need to hear that my mom is okay. I spoke with her today and she didn’t sound right. Just answer your phone.

  Shoot. Olivia didn’t want to answer, but if there was something truly wrong with Diane then she needed to pick up.

  Olivia: Ok.

  Not even thirty seconds went by before it rang again.

  “Luke.”

  “Olivia,” Luke growled. “I know you’re probably pissed…”

  “You know I am! You knew about Nate and yet you put your stage face on and played me. You sang to me, sang about our past, fucking kissed me, and for what?”

  “…but my mother’s life is on the line here. Put your silly, childish feelings aside and answer your phone. Do your job!” Luke shouted.

  “Screw you, Luke! I am doing my job. I have been doing my job my whole life. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to, to keep this completely platonic between us and less stressful on your mother. I look at Diane as more than a patient, so it’s not easy separating feelings from work.”

  Luke sighed loudly into the phone. “Olivia, if I call, answer your phone. I’m hundreds of miles away. I can’t think straight, can’t physically see her. I’m worried about my mother and you won’t answer your phone. Can you think of someone else for once in your life? I’m calling for one reason and one reason only. My mother. Not you.”

  “Don’t be an asshole, Luke. Those years don’t interfere with my job, trust me. I’m doing this as a favor to you. I’m treating Diane, not you. I don’t have to give you shit. I pick up calls when they’re from a patient in need, which you’re not. That was a low blow taking a hit at my profession like that.”

  “Tough shit! My brothers are too young to know anything and John is fucking around as usual which isn’t helping. Dad doesn’t tell me anything and I know my mother is lying to me to protect me when all the while I can hear it in her voice. Will someone cut me a fuckin’ break and tell me the truth? I just want to know how she is doing. After her phone call this morning, I’m ready to say fuck my next album, fuck my agent and hop on the next plane to come home.”

  “Luke, I know it’s not about us…or me.” She softened, feeling sorry for him. “I know that. It’s just that I care about your parents and I’m trying to keep it as professional as I can. I’m going out on a limb giving you information that I shouldn’t be.” Olivia paused and then sighed. She didn’t want to fight with him. “Tell me what happened and I’ll see what I can do.”

  “She sounded like she was in pain, more like agony, this morning when I called. It was around 11:00 a.m. and she was in bed. In bed, Olivia. She’s never in bed at that time. She said she just had a headache.”

  “It’s not all that uncommon. She probably did have a headache. Luke, you have to remember that she’s going to live with some form of pain for the rest of her life. There’s no cure, all I can do is help lessen her symptoms.”

  “So it was a headache then?”

  “If that’s what she told you. But I’ll call just to check.”

  Luke was silent.

  “Luke?” Olivia said softly. Her heart was reaching out to him beyond the arguing.

  Clearing his throat, he replied. “Yeah, ah, thanks, Livy. This is harder than I thought,” Luke choked out. “I know she’ll be fine, I have faith she will, but I also know she’s trying to be strong. I think she’s been hiding it for longer than she let on. Just wish I could be there instead of miles away.”

  Trying to ease his pain a little, Olivia took it down a notch. “It’s not all an act, Luke. Your mother is a strong woman. Your father is there for her so try not to worry as much. Remember, he bends over backwards for her. The medication will take time depending on her body, but I’ll call if you want.”

  Luke chuckled. “Yeah, you do that. And Livy?”

  “Yes?”

  “Thank you for everything. I wouldn’t have been able to deal with this had it been anyone else. I mean it. I want apologize, and let you know I’m so grateful for what you’re doing. I’ll try to keep it to texting, just got worried when I heard her voice.”

  “It’s alright. You know I’m here when you need me.” Olivia knew she was stepping out of bounds with their agreed setup by saying more, but she couldn’t help herself. “So…how is everything else with you?”

  Luke let out a gruff sigh. “Honestly? It’s been difficult. Real difficult, Livy. I’m taking my frustration out on people who don’t deserve it. I’m the one starting the arguments…my manager, agent, friends, crew, everyone. I need to relax, but for some reason I just can’t. I have a lot on my mind other than my mom. Pile it all up together and my head is throbbing all the time.”

  “Sounds like you’re the one who has a headache.”

  Luke laughed. “I think you need a vacation.”

  “The same could be said for you.”

  Silence drifted through the phone line. An unspoken longing touched them intimately, pulling them together. It was there. They both could feel it and sense it.

  Olivia smiled sadly to herself. “I haven’t been on vacation in…” she paused to think. “Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever gone on vacation.”

  How pathetic was that? That she never took time out for herself?

  “How is that possible?” Luke questioned with surprise.

  “I don’t know…just haven’t had time. It’s a vicious cycle I brought on myself, I guess.” Just thinking of having no time to breathe was exhausting in itself.

  “Anyway,” she said breaking the silence. “If you feel like you’re falling again, just pick up your phone and send me a message. I’m always here.”

  “Thanks... Listen, I’m sorry about that night at the bar. I know it was wrong of me, but I don’t regret it. I know… I shouldn’t have even gone, but when I overheard you on the phone that you’d be alone, and I was alone at home, I knew I couldn’t stay away. Then having you in my arms like old times… Yeah. I guess I couldn’t resist.”

  He’s sorry for that night…he couldn’t resist. Could not resist. Why did it suddenly feel like Luke threw a curve ball at her?

  Luke sighed into the phone. The grudge she erected over the years was crumbling at her feet.

  “I don’t know what came over me, Livy. I bet Nate is pissed about it all, let alone that you’re treating my family. I know I sure as hell wouldn’t.”

  When she didn’t respond, Luke edged into the question slowly and asked, “You haven’t told him, have you?”

  “No,” she answered quietly. She didn’t want Luke to know she and Nate were no longer together yet.

  “Can I ask why not?”

  “I haven’t worked up the courage?”

  Incredulously, Luke asked, “You? Not able to work up the courage? That’s not the Livy I remember.”

  Olivia’s back went ramrod straight. “I guess I’m not the same Livy I was.”

  “I find that hard to believe. I bet she’s still there under that starched white lab coat waiting to be free again.”

  “I just… I’m scared.”

  “If you’re worried about losing him, don’t. Judging by the brief moment I met him, if he’s the kind of man I’m assuming he is, he’ll want to beat the shit out of me. Can’t blame the guy. But if h
e walks away, he’ll only come to regret it down the line. Trust me.”

  He’ll regret leaving… There was no way for her not to wonder if Luke was speaking from personal experience.

  “Thanks, Luke.” She smiled sadly.

  “Hope he makes the right choice.”

  A small smile tugged at Olivia’s mouth.

  “Bye, Luke.”

  “Later, Care Bear.”

  Pulling up to Smokejacks, Olivia took a deep breath before getting out of the car.

  Tessa’s call to let her know about a little reunion couldn’t have come at a better time. The reunion was something her friends did once a year, but Olivia had never be able to attend for many reasons.

  Making her way inside, she noticed it looked just as it had years ago. A sense of nostalgia washed over her. Memories resurfacing from old times, she glanced at the now empty stage. It was dark and bare.

  Olivia took a seat at the bar and ordered a drink. Just as she finished, Ash, Chase, and Bradley filed in one after another and made their way to the bar.

  …and then Luke?

  Jesus. Lord. What. The. Hell?

  Olivia’s heart sped up as Luke walked in like he owned the place in a lazy glide with a grin plastered on his face. She couldn’t pull her stare away, he was spellbinding. His long strides were accompanied by his infectious smile as he made his way over to the bar. He was straight up sexy. Olivia couldn’t deny how much he still got to her.

  Olivia left her barstool and walked over to Tessa, who had just walked in and nudged her with her elbow.

  “I thought you said he wasn’t coming,” Olivia said, eyes as wide as saucers.

  “I swear I didn’t know, Liv. I promise. I was told he was out of town. Don’t let it bother you and have a good time. I think you need this more than anyone right now.”

  Tessa gave a heartfelt squeeze to Olivia’s hand. The guys were doing the quick “what’s up bro” half hug with each other while getting their respective orders and leaning against the bar.

  “Looking good, Livy,” Ash said flirtatiously, dropping a peck to her cheek.