Cursive

by Phoebe Lane

  "What kind of charity?"

  "It's for kids with terminal illnesses. Because of my mom's past involvement in the schools, she's able to identify school-aged children who get diagnosed with a chronic or terminal condition. Some of these kids' parents have to stop working, or sometimes even lose their jobs, because of all the time they spend with them in the hospital while they're getting treatments. She organizes fundraising activities to help those families out."

  "Wow, that's amazing."

  "She’s got great vision," he said with obvious admiration. "We have one of the fundraisers coming up in a few weeks. We do one every year at Langley. We give the proceeds to her charity and cover all the cost of food and drinks for the night. You should come. I'm sure my mom would love to meet you."

  "Sounds like this cause is very personal for you as well," Aislynn pointed out. Jace's shoulders immediately squared and tensed up, and his eyes became distant. "I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong?"

  "No, everything's fine. I'm sorry," he said, kissing her hand and resting it on his thigh.

  She noticed. Keep it together.

  "Did you have a good time tonight?" he asked as he walked her to her door, trying to change the subject.

  "I did. I really did", she said, a soft pink blush coloring her face. "So how exactly do we end a reverse date?"

  "What reverse date?" he said, feigning confusion. "I don't know what you're talking about. This is the end of the date and I plan to kiss you…quite a bit."

  "I can totally get onboard with that plan," she said.

  Jace kissed her and immediately felt the adrenaline course through his body. All he could think about was how her lips felt on his, how her soft hair tangled in his fingers, and how soft and warm her skin felt beneath his hands. He wanted to touch her, everywhere, all at once. He wanted to crawl inside her head and learn all her secrets. He could sense she had many, and so did he, but it wasn't time to give them all up.

  "I'm leaving for New York tomorrow night. But I would like to see you when I get back."

  Aislynn walked into her apartment and watched Jace drive away through the living room window. Catching her reflection in the glass, she finally saw what Ellie had pointed out earlier. She looked alive. She was very proud of the fact that she had allowed herself to open up to Jace and tell him some things about her past. It had been hard, but she had gotten through it.

  It was surprisingly easy for her to fall asleep that night. This was in strong contrast to the horrible nightmare that woke her up around three in the morning.

  She remembered sitting at a street café eating pie with a beautiful green-eyed woman she didn’t recognize. The woman asked her questions about her family and tenderly wiped away her tears when Aislynn started crying. All of a sudden, they heard people screaming and running down the street in their direction, a fifty feet wave of water chasing after them, just like in an end-of-the-world movie. Aislynn ran as fast as she could, trying to hang on to the woman’s hand, but eventually lost track of her. She ran into a building to find shelter, locking herself inside a room, which she then recognized as the hospital call room where she used to work. It only took a minute for the water to start slipping into the room. Aislynn gathered towels and blankets and pushed them under the door to stop the water from coming in, but soon realized it wasn’t water anymore. It was blood.

  Aislynn woke up drenched in sweat, eyes swollen, the salt of her tears dried up in her skin. She didn't need to be a psychiatrist to understand what was going on in her head. There would be no more sleep for her that night.

  You're allowing this to get really complicated.

  "What's going on? You sound tired," Jace said on the phone. He was still in New York for business, but they had spoken every night since their date and texted often.

  "I am. I haven't been able to sleep for a few days now."

  "Why? Are you sick?" he asked with concern. It comforted Aislynn to realize he cared enough to worry.

  "No, I don't think so. This happens every once in a while. I just need to get through it, I guess."

  "You're a doctor. Can't you prescribe yourself something to help you sleep?" he suggested.

  "I've tried that, but it really doesn’t work out too well for me," Aislynn said, glancing over at her closet where the box with her wedding dress had ended up. After the sleepwalking incident, Ellie had offered to get rid of it—actually, she offered to tear it apart and make sofa cushions out of it—but Aislynn had refused. She couldn't get herself to part with it.

  Not yet.

  "How about watching TV? Reading?"

  "I've tried it. I also tried warm milk, soft music, and white noise. Nothing seems to help."

  "Counting sheep?" he teased.

  "I started counting, but I got distracted thinking about something else. Then my OCD kicked in and I made myself start over because I just had to get the numbers in the right order, and…Ugh, never mind. Now I'm starting to sound crazy, too."

  "I actually understand what you’re going through. I had a bad case of insomnia a few years ago. My mom used to make me this tea that worked really well, but I can't remember what was in it."

  "It's okay. Don't worry about it."

  "I do worry, babydoc," he said softly.

  "Thank you…for worrying about me." Aislynn felt his warmth embrace her, even long distance. "How are you doing? How's New York?"

  "It’s going well. Lots of meetings and trying to get some extra business, which has unfortunately left me with absolutely zero time to enjoy the city."

  "I miss New York," Aislynn said longingly. It wasn’t until that moment that she realized how much she missed that period of her life.

  "Wait…you lived here too?" he asked, surprised.

  "Oh, yeah. Didn’t I tell you I went to NYU for undergrad?"

  "You’re not exactly forthcoming when it comes to personal details of your life, you know," he teased.

  "I’m sorry. It’s an occupational hazard, I guess. Hey, you should go to this little deli shop in SoHo that makes the absolute best roast beef sandwich in the world."

  After giving Jace the address and telling him exactly how he needed to order it to make it "extra delicious"—ketchup and mayo mixed together into a sauce and lathered on both sides of the bread—Jace wished her a good night and promised to call her soon.

  Aislynn decided to take a bath in hopes it would help relax her. As she soaked in the hot bubbly water, her mind wandered to her time in New York and all the wonderful things she experienced there. It didn’t escape her how the daydreams were inevitably flooded with images of Jace hanging out with her at Central Park, getting cappuccinos from her favorite coffee shop in the city, and having dinner at the family-owned Italian restaurant she used to go to once a week for true, authentic carbonara.

  When she came back into her room, she found a text from Jace on her phone.

  I called my mom. This is the recipe for the tea. Hope it helps. Sweet dreams.

  Damn, he's good, she thought and swooned. Yes, he’d actually made her swoon.

  It was day four of no sleep for Aislynn. She kept having the same nightmare over and over again: the beautiful woman with green eyes that she couldn’t hang on to, big waves coming after her, and the flooding hospital call room. She didn't want to take a sleeping pill for obvious reasons, and she didn't want to drink herself to sleep. She had never really been a heavy drinker, even though that might've been hard to believe based on the last few times she had been out with Ellie and the guys.

  "Same nightmare?" Ellie asked as she watched Aislynn walk out of her room, the dark circles under her eyes becoming more pronounced with each passing day.

  "This is getting out of hand," Aislynn said and slammed her head on the table in frustration.

  "I’m sorry, sweetie. Have you tried writing down your dream? Maybe it’ll help you get rid of it."

  "Yeah, maybe. What are you up to?"

  "I’m heading over to the beach house to do some work. Wa
nt to come?"

  Ellie had been busy working on Jace's design project. He had met with her to approve the plans before leaving town and had given her free access to his house for the week. She had tried several times to engage Aislynn in helping her, but Aislynn didn't feel comfortable going into Jace's personal space without him there.

  Aislynn spent the day trying to write, but the words didn’t come. After finally giving up, she sat in her living room, closed her eyes, and took deep breaths, letting her mind wander to the issue that was weighing on her mind—Jace; or Christopher; or rather, both.

  Blame it on the recurring dream, the severe sleep deprivation, or the fact that she couldn’t stop thinking about Jace, but Aislynn started feeling really spooked. She had arguably had the best date of her life, and with every text and every phone call, Jace and Aislynn grew closer together. He definitely seemed to be all in now, the hesitation she had sensed from him in the beginning all but gone.

  She kept reliving in her mind how good it had felt to be in his arms, to kiss him, to laugh, and to share at least part of herself with someone again. She wanted to experience more of him, but this would inevitably force her to walk into a risky territory she wasn’t sure she was quite ready to explore.

  On the other end, she had Christopher. She had done everything in her power to put as much distance, both physical and emotional, from the things that reminded her of him. Yet he had still managed to disrupt the balance she so desperately sought by showing up in San Diego.

  She felt like her internal compass was stuck right in the middle of the Bermuda triangle, moving around aimlessly, pointing in every direction.

  Is it too soon to feel this way about Jace? No. Okay, probably. Fine, yes it is, she argued with herself. But it’s not too late to back off.

  The purpose of her sabbatical had been to simplify her life. She needed to take a break from complicated relationships, emotional heaviness, and past mistakes. And yet there she was, navigating dangerous waters while disregarding red flags that warned her of high surf and strong currents.

  That's the meaning of the wave reference in my dream, she suddenly realized. Damn you to hell, Freud.

  On day number six with little sleep, Aislynn considered taking something to help her relax and asking Ellie to babysit her all night. She certainly didn't want to do it without supervision. The last thing she needed was to get arrested for sleepwalking naked to the 7/Eleven and trying to steal a Diet Coke Big Gulp. Jace's tea had gotten her a few hours of sleep the first night, but it didn't really work after that.

  As the number of days without sleep increased, Aislynn's thinking capacity decreased. She now understood why insomniacs often developed an aversion to the bedroom after multiple failed attempts at sleeping in their beds. That afternoon, she tried taking a nap in the living room instead. But the moment she managed to fall asleep on the couch, Ellie jolted her from sleep.

  "Aislynn! What the hell is this?"

  "Ugh! I'm going to kill you. I had finally fallen asleep. Why do you hate me?" she complained, her eyes still closed, but Ellie didn't respond. "Ellie?" she asked, and opened her eyes only to find her very angry roommate staring back at her.

  "I asked you, what the hell is this? Are you leaving again?" she asked, pointing to the laptop and the multiple browser windows showing on the screen. "And don't tell me this is research for your book. Unless one of your characters is travelling to all the cities my company has apartment locations in, I say that's a crappy excuse."

  Aislynn sat up in the couch and wrapped her arms around herself. "Listen, Ellie—"

  "No! This is bullshit!" she said, pacing in front of the sofa. Ellie forced herself to take several deep breaths, and then took a seat across from Aislynn on the coffee table. "What are you doing? Why do you want to leave again?"

  "I was just…I'm thinking that maybe…Argh! I don't know why," she said, pulling at her hair in frustration. "Okay, that's bullshit too."

  "What is it, then?"

  "I'm just scared, okay? I'm getting attached to San Diego; and I'm feeling stuff for Jace that scares the crap out of me. And I still think about Christopher. And I don't want to feel these things," she rambled.

  "Oh, Aislynn…" Ellie said, her face colored with sadness.

  "Before you pull a Pam and tell me I'm just running away from things, just hear me out," she said and waited for Ellie to nod. "When I left Texas, I made a decision to start over and live a simple life. I wanted to avoid getting wrapped up in drama again. Now, look at me—I'm doing the exact opposite." She paused and stood up from the couch. "I know it sounds really screwed up, but I just don't want to feel these things right now. This is actually a very normal stage people go through after—"

  "Stop doing therapy on yourself. That doesn't work and you know it," Ellie said, exasperated. "Did you tell Jace about Christopher?"

  "It's not exactly first date material," Aislynn said while staring down at the floor. "I told him I was in a long term relationship that ended before I left Texas, but I didn’t exactly elaborate."

  "Aislynn…" Ellie said shaking her head in reprimand.

  "I know, I know. I'm just not ready to tell him. I'm not ready to speak much about it. How am I supposed to approach it with him? Besides, I can tell he has his own demons he's not talking about."

  "Stop trying to read him. It's annoying," Ellie said, walking over to Aislynn and giving her a hug. "That's why people hate shrinks, you know?" Ellie said softly in her ear and chuckled.

  They had always been good at interjecting humor into serious conversations. Humor was, after all, a very mature defense mechanism. It allowed people to guard themselves against overwhelming anxiety and other intense emotions that are hard to tolerate.

  "I know. Never mention you're a psychiatrist at a party or in a plane. People will avoid you or tell you their life story, and then ask for advice. It can make for a very long plane ride."

  "Or they ask you to read their future. Remember that guy at the bar?" Ellie asked.

  "I never thought I would have to explain to someone the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychic. Poor idiot."

  "Anyway, back to the heavy stuff," Ellie said, walking her back to the sofa. "You can't leave. It's time for you to start dealing with this thing. You say you still think about Christopher, and you finally want to get over what happened? Then here's your opportunity. Deal with it. Really learn to move on."

  "I'd be lying if I said I'm completely over Christopher, but really the thing that still gets to me is the pain of how things ended between us. Getting involved with someone else isn't going to help me get over it. That's not how I want to do things with Jace. I don't want him to feel like he's the overdue rebound guy. He deserves more than that."

  "I agree, but I think it would help if you try your luck at real life again. You know, life with drama, commitments, relationships, let downs, and happy moments. You’re starting to venture out into real life with Jace, and it feels good, doesn’t it?" Aislynn hesitantly nodded in agreement. "I know this is disgustingly cliché, but I think he's good for you. You deserve something positive happening in your life after everything you've been through. Don't run away from the opportunity, please," Ellie said.

  Don't punish yourself anymore, even if you deserve it.

  Hearing Ellie talk about the way she had been disconnected from life made Aislynn suddenly realize how truly isolated she had become over the last year. With choosing to live a nomadic lifestyle, basically, she had cut ties with most of her friends, her family, and even her profession. Her goal had never been to become a recluse for the rest of her life, but that’s exactly where she was headed.

  "You're right," Aislynn finally said with a sigh. "I've said it before. You'd make a great therapist."

  "Ugh, yuck, no. I wouldn't be able to hold myself back from telling people they were being complete morons."

  "Some people need to hear that once in a while, though. It's therapeutic. Case in point…" Aislynn said, point
ing at herself.

  "Okay, so we agree you're not leaving, right?" Aislynn nodded. "I really think this was your brain finally shutting down from lack of sleep. It's been almost a week, Aislynn."

  "I know. This isn't healthy. Sleep deprivation can make you do really crazy things."

  "All right, how about we do this then—let’s order some food, stuff our faces, and then you can take one of those God awful sleeping pills? I promise to watch you tonight and stop you from doing something weird in your sleep again. I'll lock the door and hide the car keys."

  "Oh, this is why I love you!" Aislynn said, holding Ellie in a tight bear hug.

  After two nights of consistent sleep with medication, Aislynn stopped having nightmares and restored her normal sleep pattern. She was then able to think more clearly about the things Ellie had brought up about her life and the future.

  One night, as she struggled to write a section of her novel where the main character spoke about blame and taking responsibilities for one’s actions, it became crystal clear to Aislynn that she carried an incredible amount of guilt for her role in how her relationship with Christopher had ended.

  And that guilt was something she wasn't ready to deal with.

  "Wow, you sound much better," Jace said on the phone.

  "I know. I'm sleeping like a normal person again."

  "That's great. Listen, I'm coming home tomorrow and I want to see you."

  "I'm all yours," Aislynn said without hesitation. She even surprised herself with her new, refreshing attitude. "What are we doing?"

  "Let me surprise you. Meet me at my house tomorrow afternoon, and we'll go from there. Can you pack us some food to take with us? I don’t think I’ll have time to get anything by the time I get home from the airport."

  "Food. Got it. I should tell you I have a love-hate relationship with surprises, but I'll play along this once."