Cursive

by Phoebe Lane

  "Costumes?" Ellie said with a high level excitement in her voice and a sparkle in her eye.

  "Oh boy, you just said Ellie's favorite word. I think she's in heaven," Aislynn said.

  "Aislynn, I hope you'll come, too. It's always such a fun party," Nina said. "We all get to vote during dinner for our favorite couples. There's going to be music, good food, wine…"

  Jace in a tux…

  "I'm in. Thanks for the invitation. What are you guys going as?" she asked.

  "Oh, we never say. We like to surprise each other, and see if people can recognize the costumes. This is really more fun for the girls, of course, but the guys haven't complained," Tessa said. She had definitely been way more pleasant and warm with Aislynn this time around. She had even smiled and hugged her when they had arrived at the house.

  "Ellie, I'm leaving it all in your hands," Aislynn said.

  "Don't worry. I already have you covered. I know exactly what our outfits will be."

  Jace came back, announcing he had to leave for San Francisco for an emergency meeting. "I'm taking the red-eye. It leaves in a few hours," he told Aislynn, clearly disappointed.

  "Rain check, then?" she asked, saddened by the change in their celebratory plans.

  "Unless we leave right now, I'll only have enough time to go home and pack my things before heading out to the airport."

  Aislynn considered the idea for a second, but decided against it. "I don't want our first time to be…rushed. I'll catch a ride home with Ellie. I left my things at your place, though and I'm gonna need to get my laptop."

  "Here," he said, handing her Alex’s key. "You can go get your stuff tomorrow. I should be back by Thursday."

  Aislynn smiled softly at him and closed her eyes as he tenderly kissed her cheek. "Don't worry, babydoc. We're not finished with what we started. And there are also a few things we need to talk about when I get back," he whispered in her ear.

  Aislynn drove to Jace's house mid-morning the following day. She took a few minutes to collect her things and make sure everything was okay with the house. She went out to the deck after noticing she had left a book on the table, but found herself facing her past instead.

  "Christopher, you can't be here," Aislynn said in a panic.

  "Please let me talk to you for a minute," he said, taking the last few steps up onto the deck.

  "What is this? You don't even live in San Diego!" she yelled. "Why do you keep showing up everywhere I go?" She only got silence in response. "You know what? Never mind that. You have to leave. It's not appropriate for you to be here."

  "Is this where your boyfriend lives? Is that why you're so worried?" he said, bitterness evident in his voice.

  "I swear to God, Christopher. I will—"

  "Would you please stop biting my head off? I just want to talk to you!" he yelled, then backed away, taking a second to calm down. "I'm sorry. I know you don't owe me anything, but I'm trying here. I've been trying and you won't let me in. I just want to know if you're all right. It's all I ask."

  Something clicked inside Aislynn at that moment. She realized she needed to do this, not for her or for Christopher, but for Jace. She needed to start facing her past if she wanted their relationship to have a solid future. She could sense he was getting impatient with her, wanting to talk about things when he got back from San Francisco. It wasn't hard to read between the lines.

  "Okay, what do you want to know?" Aislynn said with a defeated tone, and sat down on the patio chair.

  Christopher sat next to her, looking equally uncomfortable. It was a few minutes before he finally spoke, and it allowed Aislynn some time to calm down.

  "Tell me what you've been doing this past year. What happened to the practice?" he asked.

  Aislynn forced a deep breath in and out before she answered. "I couldn't stay in Texas. It was very difficult for me to be there after you left. My head wasn't into my work anymore, so I packed my things and left."

  "How did Pam handle that?" he said, wincing.

  "I'm still getting burned for it, of course. You remember her knack for only bringing up the negative."

  "Yes, she always was good at that," he said with a laugh. "What are you doing now, if you're not practicing?"

  "I'm writing," she said with a small smile. Wow, it feels good to smile with him.

  "You finally did it, huh? You had been talking about doing it for so long. Good for you, love."

  It was incredibly hard for Aislynn to hear him use his pet name for her after all this time. Her chest physically ached, but she tried to ignore it.

  "It was one of the first things I told you about myself, remember?" she asked, reminiscing about the day they'd met.

  She had been an intern at the time, and he had been a lawyer who had come to lecture the residents about the financial aspects of setting up a private medical practice. As part of his lecture, he had made every doctor tell the group what other profession they would've wanted to pursue if they hadn't gone into medicine.

  "Writer," Aislynn had said.

  "Why a writer?" he had asked.

  "Because sometimes I can't shut my brain off, and it helps to write things down. And I can write from anywhere and under almost any condition. That's your point, right? We need to have a plan B in case this medicine thing doesn't work out? I get it," she had said, at first not caring that she was being rude. He stared at her with a smug smile on his face, clearly amused by her rant.

  He had gone on to explain that all doctors needed to prepare themselves for the possibility of pursuing a different career if they were to find themselves injured and unable to practice medicine for a living. They needed to secure malpractice and disability insurance that had ample coverage. They also needed to learn how to negotiate contracts so they worked on their advantage if something were to happen to them.

  The more Christopher talked, the more mesmerized Aislynn became. The fact that he seemed to direct all his attention to her made him seem even more enticing. He was tall, confident, handsome, and incredibly intimidating. He was also older than Aislynn, she guessed at the time, by ten or fifteen years.

  Aislynn had purposely stayed behind after the lecture was over and waited until the conference room had emptied.

  "Mr. Sparks, I wanted to apologize for being rude before. I'm post call. Please allow me to blame my behavior on thirty-eight hours without sleep and hardly any food."

  "No harm done. I understand, Doctor..."

  "Currington. Aislynn," she said nervously.

  "Aislynn, you can call me Christopher. How about you allow me to get you some lunch?"

  A few days later, they had gone out on their first date; six months later, she had finished her intern year and he had asked her to move in with him; three years later, they had become engaged.

  "Are you happy, Aislynn?" he asked, bringing her back from her reverie.

  "You care about that now? It's a bit late for that, Christopher," she said, suddenly feeling very angry. There were so many things she still wanted to ask him about the last few months they had been together, but just thinking about them made the pressure in her chest become intolerable.

  "I deserve that," he said softly, eyes down to the floor.

  Somehow, seeing Christopher that deflated made her feel even worse. She decided then to give him what he needed, but no more. That was as far as she could take things at that point.

  "I haven't been happy for a long time, but I'm working on it. After everything you put me through, I think I deserve some happiness," she said with confidence. In reality, she was not only trying to convince Christopher, but herself as well.

  Fake it till you make it.

  "Does he make you happy, love?"

  It was very critical that Aislynn answer that question honestly. "He does. Although, I think I need to do a better job of letting him. He's a very patient man, but I know he won't put up with my crap forever," she said, remembering Jace's last words before he'd left town.

  "Have you to
ld him about me?" Aislynn shook her head in response, unable to look him in the eyes. "Now that you have him in your life, you'll forget about me," he stated with a hint of accusation.

  Aislynn's mood suddenly shifted. She felt a spark light up inside of her, starting behind her eyes and spreading through her blood vessels and into all of her tissues.

  "That's what happens when you abandon people and break their heart! Don't you dare try to make me feel guilty about moving on with him! You were the one that left me!" she yelled, standing up from the chair and backing away from him as if he were gasoline to the fire inside her.

  He looked taken aback by her outburst, but eventually nodded his head in agreement. She went back to avoiding his stare, looking out at the ocean instead and holding on to the deck railing until her fingers turned white. The emotional up and down of the conversation was draining her, and she felt like collapsing to the floor.

  "Are you happy, Christopher?" she asked, tears forming in her eyes.

  He didn't respond. Aislynn heard soft, muted sounds escape his lips, but he stopped himself every time.

  "You asked me for this. I'm putting my pride aside to give you what you asked for. Please respect me and give me something in return," she said, wiping her tears away before they even left her eyes.

  "I'm not ready to answer that question, love. And I don't think you're ready to hear the answer, just like you said on the beach the other day."

  "Then we have nothing else to say, Christopher," she said, and walked to the door. "Please let me live my life without any interference from you."

  Aislynn heard his last words as the door closed behind her. "I'm trying, love. I'm trying."

  Aislynn thought that the conversation with Christopher would've given her some momentum to move forward. In reality, all it did was torment her. Her days were plagued by thoughts about him, her nights with recurring dreams about the day he left her. It didn't help that Ellie was in Chicago, and that Jace's trip had been extended. She had no distractions, no people around her, and no support.

  How did I go from living essentially in solitude for months and being fine with it, to needing all these people around me? She thought, scolding herself.

  To top it all off, she had sent her editor some of the work she had completed, and the feedback had been less than stellar.

  "Hey, Aislynn. Let’s talk about these last few chapters you sent me," Lana said on the phone, hesitation clear in her voice.

  "Ok, but I’ve got to tell you, that doesn’t sound very good."

  "Well, okay, here’s the thing. The way I do this is that I try to ignore the editing details during my first read, and concentrate on the content of the work. I focus on what the experience as a reader is first, and as an editor second. And with these last few chapters what I felt was a major shift inside you and your writing. It's like there's more to this story and you're trying really hard to avoid putting it down on paper," Lana continued.

  Great, even this woman can see right through me.

  "Yeah, I know," Aislynn said, the mental exhaustion overtaking her.

  "I had an author tell me once that he felt writing was almost like stripping naked in front of strangers. It can be scary, but you won’t produce good material unless you let that last piece of clothing fall down to the ground."

  "Please tell me this wasn’t someone famous that I’ve read a book from. I won’t be able to stop myself from picturing him writing at his computer, buck naked."

  "Oh my God! How did you know?" she exclaimed, and Aislynn could do nothing but shake her head in amusement.

  Aislynn tried everything after that to get back on track and shake off the cloud that seemed to be hanging over her head, but nothing worked. She even thought about going out of town, but couldn't decide where to go. She felt stuck. Again.

  There was a nervous energy inside her that made her feel like she needed to move constantly. She couldn't finish any activity she started, either because she got distracted, or it annoyed the hell out of her. The pressure in her chest was getting heavier and more intense. I need Jace, she thought momentarily, which led to her berating herself again for becoming so attached and vulnerable.

  Aislynn avoided calls from her mom, not wanting to get into yet another argument with her. Ellie had been calling her constantly, which was very unlike her.

  "I just wanted to check up on you and make sure you're okay," Ellie had explained.

  Well, it's kind of getting on my nerves, so stop it.

  "You've never checked up on me this much before. What's going on?" The whole thing made Aislynn very suspicious.

  "Nothing is going on. I'll be back in town in a few days…I love you, girlie," Ellie had added with hesitation.

  Aislynn decided to occupy herself by cleaning up the apartment, hoping the physical activity would help her get rid of some of the restlessness. She got all the cleaning supplies out with the intention of starting in the bathroom, but ended up spilling the tile cleaner on the floor. In her hurry to make sure the hardwood floor didn't get damaged by the chemicals, she reached for a kitchen towel in a drawer without looking and ended up slicing her hand open.

  "Damn it! I need this fucking day to end!" she screamed in frustration.

  The cut wasn't big, but it was deep and would need stitches. She wrapped her hand in a towel and took herself to the acute care center. She walked in, towel now soaked in blood, and thanked the heavens the waiting room was empty.

  "Hello, how can I help you?" the woman at the window asked.

  "I just cut my hand. I think it needs stitches."

  "Okay, please sign here on the list, and let me get your ID and insurance card."

  Aislynn wrote her name on the sign in sheet, and let her eyes wander to the date written in bold black letters on the top of the page.

  That's when her world came crashing down.

  Her whole body froze. She tried to breathe, but her chest refused to move. She couldn't register anything that was going on around her, only hearing a persistent ringing in her ears that was momentarily interrupted by someone calling out her name in the background.

  Next thing she knew, Aislynn found herself sitting in her car. The next memory was of her walking into her apartment, and then later it was the sound of her cell phone going off repeatedly somewhere in the apartment.

  She was struck by a moment of clarity sometime during the early afternoon. She sat on the sofa and thought about how powerful the human mind could be. It was impossible to understand or explain how this could have happened to her. Of all people, it happened to her. It was such a blatant oversight, it made Aislynn furious. It was like her mind had betrayed her.

  How could I have not seen it? How could I have blocked it out this way?

  She heard the breaking of glass at one point, but couldn't care enough to figure out where it had come from, or whether it was her causing the damage. Her phone was still ringing nonstop, but she could only stare at it for what felt like hours, the date on the screen taunting her.

  It had been exactly a year.

  How was it possible that a whole year had gone by since Christopher had left her?

  "Jace, it's Ellie."

  "Hey, what's up?" he said, holding his phone with his shoulder as he rolled his carry on out of the plane and into the airport gate.

  "Are you back in San Diego already?"

  "I just landed. Why? What's going on?" he asked, now worried.

  "I've been trying to get hold of Aislynn for hours, and I can't reach her. I'm worried about her, Jace. Today isn't a good day for her, and I wanted to be there, but I'm stuck in O’Hare. Can you please go by and check on her? I tried to call Evan, but he's stuck in a meeting with vendors," Ellie said, alarm in her voice.

  "Yeah, okay. I'm on my way right now," he said and walked faster toward the airport exit. "What's really going on, Ellie? What do you mean today isn't a good day for her?"

  "I'm sorry…It's not really my story to tell. Just, please check on her. I'
ll call you as soon as I land."

  What the hell is going on? he thought, dread invading his body.

  A few minutes later, Jace was on his way to Aislynn's place. This time around, it was him doing one hundred miles per hour on the interstate. He had called her multiple times, but it kept going to voicemail. He was starting to feel as freaked out as Ellie seemed to be during her call.

  He got to the apartment and found the door unlocked. He charged in and found Aislynn passed out on the sofa. She really looked like hell. There was a bloody rag on the floor next to her and another one wrapped around her left hand. There was a half-full bottle of vodka on the coffee table and a shattered glass on the kitchen floor. A dining room chair had been knocked over, and the contents of her purse were spilled all over the floor next to it. A sense of panic overtook him, and he rushed to Aislynn's side.

  "Aislynn…Aislynn…" he said, crouching next to her and caressing her face. "Aislynn, please wake up." She started stirring and moaned something unintelligible. "Hey, are you all right? Please, wake up."

  "Go away…Christopher," she mumbled, trying to push his hands away from her face. Jace was momentarily stunned and confused, but decided it wasn't the right time to try and figure it out. "Aislynn, it's Jace."

  "Jace?" she said, trying to open her eyes. "Jace…my Jace?" she repeated, now startled.

  "Shh, I'm here," he said, checking her face, head, and arms for injuries. "What happened? Where are you hurt, babydoc?"

  "Where…what's…ouch…" she said, holding her head and wincing the moment she moved her left hand. "What are you doing here?"

  "Ellie sent me. She's been calling you all day, and you wouldn't answer. What the hell happened? And where is all this blood coming from?"

  "I…Damn it!" she said, trying to sit up on the sofa. "Today is not a good day."

  "So I keep hearing," he said softly.

  "Ugh, this is not...I'm sorry…you don't need to be here…Go home. I'll be fine," she said.