Cursive

by Phoebe Lane

  "What?" Aislynn asked, confused.

  "I don't care to compete with the memory of a dead man, Aislynn. I need to know that this isn't about you still being in love with him."

  "It's not about him," Aislynn said immediately. "This is about me and the things I need to do to get better. I'm not in love with Christopher anymore, but I need to grieve him, and I need to go to Texas to set this baggage down."

  "Okay, I guess I can understand that," he said, but avoided eye contact.

  "I'm leaving tomorrow," Aislynn whispered.

  "I'm sorry, what?"

  "I have to do it. There's no point in waiting."

  Jace squared his shoulders, got up, and paced in front of the bed. Aislynn could see the muscles in his jaw flexing even from where she was sitting.

  This reaction—it can't be just about me leaving.

  "Why are you mad?" she asked.

  Jace scoffed, and paced even faster. He pulled at his hair in frustration and refused to look at her. Aislynn took some time to retrace the steps of their conversation, trying to pinpoint exactly where it had turned the corner into Pissed & Clueless.

  "You're shutting me out again, Aislynn."

  Oh…oh!

  "I'm sorry. I didn't think…" Aislynn trailed off, not knowing how to explain what she was thinking or feeling. It was all very unsettling.

  "I want to be there for you, but you keep pushing me away," he said and looked straight into her eyes. "You know I can't go with you tomorrow, yet you made this decision without taking that into consideration. This really feels like we're taking a step back."

  "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to do that. I just think I need to do this on my own," Aislynn said after what felt like forever. "I'm not trying to hurt you."

  "Are you sure about this? You want to go do this alone?" he asked, and Aislynn nodded. Jace walked over to the bed and stood in front of her. It was clear in his eyes that he was surrendering his efforts at convincing her to stay. "All right, then."

  Aislynn couldn't sleep that night and neither could Jace. He woke up in the middle of the night and walked out of the bedroom without noticing Aislynn was also awake. She heard the clinking of ice in a glass and imagined him drinking his scotch out on the deck, worried and frustrated with her.

  But I can't turn back now. I need to do this.

  Being in Texas was much harder than Aislynn had anticipated. She had been there for twenty-four hours, but she had been pretty much stagnant. After arriving at the airport, she picked up a rental car and drove straight to her old apartment, the home she had shared with Christopher but still kept after she moved away. After sitting in the car for two and a half hours biting her nails, pulling at her hair and shredding the paper coffee cup into one hundred fifty-seven pieces, she finally gathered enough courage to walk to the door. That’s where she stood for another fifteen minutes.

  After finally putting the key in the lock, opening the door, and walking inside, she allowed the memories to hit her with the force of a category five tropical hurricane. The apartment looked exactly the same as when she had left it, but the scent of the place was the thing affected her the most.

  It still smells like him.

  She looked around the space, the ache in her heart increasing exponentially with each passing second. She sat on the living room floor, her back resting against the sofa, and bawled. She cried her heart out. She thought about grabbing some of the personal things she had left behind, but she couldn't stand being there any longer. She finally found the thing she had specifically come for and left the apartment, locking it behind her for what she hoped would be the very last time.

  She drove to the Sparks' house, and sat in the car for thirty minutes, not able to even look up at the house. Memories flashed in her head, the most memorable one being the day they had come over to tell his parents about their engagement. In the midst of hugs and congratulations, Aislynn had realized that by marrying Christopher, she was bound to become part of a family again.

  In a rare connection of thoughts, her mind turned to Jace and his family. She remembered them sitting around the kitchen island, eating pizza straight out of the boxes, and arguing over politics and football. She missed their playful banter, the fluency of their relationships, and how unafraid they were to express their love for each other in their own unique ways. She wanted to be part of his family, and the thought didn't even scare her anymore.

  She finally gave up and drove to a local coffee shop, waiting for her nerves to calm down and for the nausea to go away. She then returned to the Sparks' house, this time successfully getting out of the car, and feeling like her purse weighed a ton due to the very important item she was carrying inside it.

  Before she could take a step to cross the street and walk to their doorstep, Mrs. Sparks walked out of the house. She looked up at Aislynn, froze in place, blood drained from her face. Aislynn felt the air leave her lungs and the nausea come back.

  They looked at each other for a few seconds, tears involuntarily forming in Aislynn's eyes, not a word spoken between them. Aislynn forced out an "I'm sorry" that Mrs. Sparks could've only made out due to the movement of her lips, because no sound actually came out of her mouth. Aislynn turned around, got back in her car, and drove off feeling like a complete failure.

  I was wrong. I can't do this…I can’t do this alone.

  "Hey," Aislynn said on the phone to Jace later that night.

  "Hey, babydoc. What happened? You sound upset."

  "I couldn’t do it. I went to his parent’s house and I just froze. I saw his mom and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, what I was about to do, how I’m about to turn their world upside down. I…I don’t know…"

  "What is it? What don’t you know?" Aislynn could hear the anxiety in his voice.

  "I don’t know if I’m being selfish; if I’m only doing this for me rather than for them. The look on her face when she saw me…"

  "Aislynn, I want you to know that I will support you in whatever you decide to do, at least as much as you let me." Her heart tightened at his words, realizing he still felt hurt about her doing this without him. "And as much as it pains me to see you hurt, I really think this is something you need to do and go through. The way you’ve dealt with Christopher’s death up to now is obviously not working, so you might as well try it this way."

  She mulled over his word and was transported back to something one of her attendings had told her when she had started treating her first psychotherapy patient in residency.

  "Like chemotherapy," she whispered with her eyes closed, imagining Jace was sitting next to her, soothingly running his fingers through her hair.

  "I’m sorry, what?"

  "Chemotherapy. Confronting something like this is like going through chemo. It makes you feel miserable and sick in the beginning, but eventually it heals you."

  "Yes, just like that…I love you, babydoc."

  "I love you too. And I miss you, Jace. More that you know."

  Aislynn drove to the Sparks' house the following morning and didn't give herself any time to second guess her actions. She parked in front of the house this time, grabbed her bag, and walked to the door. It opened halfway through the second knock.

  "Hi, Aislynn," Mrs. Sparks said, a nervous smile playing on her lips.

  "Hi, Emma," she said, and caught a glimpse of Mr. Sparks coming out of the living room. He appeared visibly tense and nervous.

  "Please, come in, dear," she said and ushered her inside.

  "Aislynn," Charles said, his tone clipped, and showed her into the living room. The place looked exactly the same as the last time she had been there. Thanksgiving had been the last holiday they had all spent together.

  They all sat down, Charles in his reclining chair, Emma across from Aislynn in the love seat. "I'm so sorry about yesterday. I don't—"

  "No explanations needed. We understand being here must be very difficult for you," she said. "How are you doing?"

  "I'm…okay," she said
with hesitation. She explained to them what she had been up to, the places she had been to, and about her plans to settle down in San Diego.

  "We're so happy you're doing well. Really," Charles added, which surprised Aislynn to no end. He had never been the talkative type. The fact he said those words gave her the courage to continue.

  "I have…I need to have a very difficult conversation with you, and I need to start by saying that I'm so sorry I didn't do this sooner," Aislynn added, her eyes locked on the vase sitting on top of the coffee table.

  You're here for this. This needs to be done. No more backtracking.

  Aislynn fidgeted in her seat, and sat forward, her elbows resting on top of her thighs, her hands covering her face. She needed a few seconds to control her breathing and her heart rate before she said the words she had been dreading to say for so long. She reminded herself that she had survived saying them to Jace, and even though this audience would be considerably more affected by the news, she would survive it nonetheless.

  "It's about what happened to Christopher," Aislynn said, and finally looked up at them. What she saw happening in front of her eyes made her head spin. Emma was already in tears and Charles…

  Charles was crying.

  What the hell is going on?

  Aislynn forced herself to continue, stunned that she was able to hold back her tears. "What happened to him wasn't—"

  "We think we know what you're about to say," Charles interrupted her, his voice cracking. Emma wiped her tears away with one hand while the other reached out to hold her husband's.

  "Christopher…killed himself," Aislynn finally said.

  Tears continued to run down Emma's face as Charles gestured at her with his head.

  "We know, Aislynn," Emma said.

  And just like that, Aislynn’s world was once again turned upside down.

  They know?

  "We had our suspicions that Christopher may have done this to himself," Emma said and paused, "but we didn't want to approach you about it after the funeral because…well, because you were not well."

  What is she talking about? Why do they think Christopher did this on purpose? Nobody should've suspected this was anything but an accident. Unless…

  Oh, Jesus Christ.

  "Christopher had tried this before. He had two serious suicide attempts before he met you," Emma continued, and Aislynn could do nothing more than cover her mouth with her hand and stop breathing. "I'm assuming he never told you about this?"

  Aislynn tried to shake her head, but the shock was interrupting the connection between her brain and the rest of her body. Emma paused, apparently waiting for a response that never came, then continued. "His first attempt was in college, and the second time was about eight years ago."

  Aislynn wanted so desperately to block out everything that was going on in front of her, but she refused to let the fear control her. Turning back was not an option anymore. She had to see this through, even if it hurt almost as much as when she'd dealt with it the first time.

  "His depression usually developed quickly, and his symptoms were always severe. He responded well to medications and therapy, but he never stayed with his treatment long term. He had a tendency to stop it once he felt better."

  Aislynn started feeling a little dizzy, and she realized her breaths were now coming in short and shallow. Emma sat next to her and took her hands in hers. "Are you okay? Charles, get her some water."

  She didn't register the few seconds Charles was gone. A cup of water appeared in front of her, and she drank a few sips. It didn't really agree with her stomach so she sat back on the sofa to let the nausea pass.

  "I'm so sorry, dear. We suspected it, but we were never sure. We thought about talking to you countless times, but we couldn't make up our minds on whether it was the right thing to do or not. How did you find out?" Emma said, asking the last part with hesitation.

  "He…he left me a note," Aislynn said, the sob that escaped Emma's lips piercing right through her heart. "He mailed me a letter the same day it happened, but I didn't get it until weeks later. I didn't…I couldn't deal with it, so I left town. I didn't have the strength to come tell you guys. I'm so sorry I let this go on for so long," Aislynn said, her tears staining her shirt.

  "Do you still have the letter?" Charles said, and Aislynn shook her head. She had burned it immediately after reading it. The impulse to destroy the thing that had changed her life forever had taken over her better judgment. "May we ask what it said?" he continued.

  "It wasn't very specific. He asked me to please let you know what had happened. He said he loved me and he loved you guys, but that he needed to go." Aislynn watched Charles nod his head in resignation, his hands hiding his face. "I'm sorry for…I didn't…I'm sorry I didn't see it."

  "Oh, dear God, Aislynn," Emma said, taking her face in her hands. "Don't you put this on yourself. This is no one's fault. He was sick, he struggled with this for years, and he chose not to tell you. Please, sweetheart, you have to learn to let this go. This wasn't your fault."

  And with those words, Aislynn broke down. Emma held her in her arms and cried with her, months and months of pent up agony leaving her body. Aislynn realized that guilt wasn't just going to go away, but knowing about Christopher's past and getting some absolution from his parents definitely helped.

  Emma and Charles insisted on making Aislynn drink some tea at least. She agreed, thinking it would help settle her stomach, but excused herself to use the restroom to wash her face first. She walked down the hallway, trying to ignore the pictures on the walls. It still hurt too much to see Christopher's smiling face from years past. As soon as she locked herself in the bathroom, a familiar sensation came over her. Her ears popped, the pressure in the air changed, and she froze. She knew what was about to happen next.

  No. I won't let this happen. This needs to stop.

  "I don't need this anymore, Christopher," she said to no one but herself. She took a few deep breaths and relaxed when the feeling subsided.

  No more. I control this now, it doesn't control me.

  Aislynn joined the Sparks in the kitchen and sipped her tea, grateful for how much it agreed with her stomach. They sat and talked for a while before Aislynn reached for her bag. She took a small velvet box out and placed it in Emma's hands.

  "I wanted to give the ring back to you. Christopher said it has been in your family for generations, and I think it should continue to be passed on," Aislynn said.

  "Are you sure? He meant for you to have this, and we would be okay with you keeping it," Emma responded.

  "I have…I have to move on. Please, take it."

  "All right. Thanks for bringing it back," she said, setting it aside without opening the box. Aislynn could understand why.

  "We hope you'll still stay in touch with us. You were a part of this family for a while, and we want you to know we're always going to be here for you," Charles said, once again surprising her with his words.

  "Thanks. That means a lot to me; you have no idea."

  "Do you plan to stay in town for a few days?" Emma asked.

  "No, I'm heading home as soon as possible," Aislynn said, looking down at her watch. "It's late already. I guess I’ll have to wait till tomorrow morning to catch a flight back home."

  Home. To Jace, she thought and felt her lips curve up into a grin, something that hadn’t happened in two days.

  "It's so good to see you smile. Do you have somebody waiting for you?" Emma asked with a smile of her own.

  "Yes…I do," she responded and immediately felt her fingers twitch with an instinctual need to touch his skin.

  And I can't wait to get back to him.

  Charles and Emma walked Aislynn to the door and hugged her goodbye. Aislynn felt satisfied with being able to follow through with what she had come back to Texas to do, but she definitely felt the weight of the day coming down over her. She wished she didn't have to go back to a cold hotel room with no one to talk to and no one to process the e
vents of the day with.

  She walked out of the house, giving a final wave to the Sparks, and approached her car. She suddenly felt uncomfortable, almost like she was being watched. Looking around to see where the feeling may have been coming from, she locked her gaze with a beautiful pair of green eyes.

  Jace.

  He was parked on the other side of the road, waiting outside the car. A small hesitant smile played on his lips, and Aislynn couldn't control the urge to direct her feet toward him as fast as possible. She wanted to run, but couldn't because the tears in her eyes made it hard for her to see. They embraced, her body molding perfectly to his, her fingers ecstatic to have free range of the skin on the back of his neck. In Jace's arms, Aislynn felt the pieces of her heart rearrange once again in the right order.

  This is where I belong.

  "Hi, babydoc," he whispered in her ear. It was the sweetest sound Aislynn had ever heard in her life.

  "I love you," she said as she cried.

  "I love you, too. That's why I'm here. I hope that's okay."

  "It's more than okay. I'm sorry for not including you in this, for pushing you away. You were right about everything," Aislynn rushed out, wanting to make sure she spoke the truth she held in her heart.

  "Shh. No more of that. We'll be fine, babydoc."

  "Wait. How did you know where I was?" Aislynn asked, stepping back to look at him in the face.

  "Umm…yeah. About that," he said nervously. "I was so worried about you after we spoke last night that I decided to catch the next flight here. You had mentioned coming back to talk to Christopher's family today, so I…I had no other choice but to call Ellie. I figured she knew where they lived, but I wasn't prepared for her not knowing that you had come back here."

  "Yeah, that was me being stubborn. I knew that if I told her I was coming back to Texas, she would ask—wait! What did you tell her?"

  "I'm sorry, Aislynn. She got really worried when I told her where you were, and there was no other way to explain to her why I was rushing here. I…I had to tell her about Christopher. I know it wasn't my story to tell, but she was really freaking out, and she deserved to know."