by Ana Huang
“I’m fine, but you didn’t take the day off and show up to my bar exam just to make sure I was okay.” A familiar ache crept into my chest. “You were the one who treated me yesterday. You know how I’m doing.”
“About that.” There was no hint of a smile on Josh’s face anymore. “I’m sorry if I came off…unconcerned.”
I shrugged as casually as I could. “You’re a doctor. You were professional and did your job. That’s all anyone could ask for.”
“I’m not just your doctor, Jules.”
The air suffocated my lungs. “You’re also my best friend’s brother.”
“More than that.” He took a tiny step toward me, and I took an instinctive step back.
I raised my chin, willing myself not to cry. I’d already shed too many tears over him. “Not anymore.”
No one takes my cock better than you do. It’s your best quality.
No matter how many times I replayed his words, they slashed deep every time.
That was the thing about someone who’d seen the best and worst of you—they knew exactly which buttons to push, which words would sting the hardest.
Josh’s jaw ticked, but instead of arguing, he switched the subject so suddenly it nearly gave me whiplash. “I found Max yesterday.”
“You what?” This encounter was growing more surreal by the minute.
“I found Max,” he repeated. “He won’t be bothering you anymore. Alex and I made sure of it.”
“What…how…” Nothing made sense. “You told Alex? What did you guys do? You didn’t kill him, did you?”
I was only half joking. I wouldn’t be devastated if Max died, but I also didn’t want Josh putting himself in jeopardy for me. Alex was a coin toss, but Josh? He wasn’t a killer, and if he did something in a fit of rage, it would haunt him for the rest of his life.
The prospect of him suffering like that was worse than any blackmail or hurtful words.
“No. But I wanted to.” A hard smile cut across Josh’s face. “Alex, of all people, talked me down. I won’t bore you with the details, but I promise, our point came across loud and clear. Max won’t contact you again.”
“Why would you do that?” Hope reared its treacherous head, and I shoved it back down. My hopes always led to disappointments. “You didn’t care when I came into the hospital yesterday.”
Josh’s eyes darkened from rich chocolate to endless, unnerving obsidian.
“I don’t care?” Another step toward me, another step back.
Our dance played to the rapid beats of my heart, and it didn’t end until my back pressed again the cool wall and Josh crowded me with his warmth. When he spoke again, the low, dangerous timbre of his voice sent shivers rippling down my spine.
“I walked into that room and almost lost my shit when I saw you were hurt, my job be damned. I wanted to kill Max for laying a hand on you. That’s not hyperbole, Jules. If you saw what he looked like after I was done with him…” His breath skated over my skin. “Luck saved him. But if he so much as breathes in your direction again, I will rip his entrails out and strangle him with them. So yes, Red, I fucking care. So much so it terrifies me.”
I was falling down another helpless spiral where his words were my only cushion and the air sang sweetly even as I plummeted toward potential death.
His quiet promise of violence should’ve frightened me; instead, it sizzled through my veins like an electric current.
“You hate me.” I was breathless and aching, wishing so hard for what he said to be true and utterly terrified it wasn’t.
“I’ve never hated you.”
“Liar.”
His soft laugh filled every molecule of air between us. “Okay, once upon a time, I hated you a little bit.” His smile faded, his eyes growing serious. “I don’t know what you did to me, Red. But somehow, I went from wanting to kill you…to willing to kill for you.”
My stomach tumbled further into free fall. A thousand golden bubbles filled me until I felt like a balloon being carried away by the wind.
I didn’t know what changed since last week, when Josh—
Remember when I said I forgive you? I lied.
The balloon popped with the swiftness of an assassin’s blade.
Josh wasn’t cruel. He didn’t manipulate people’s feelings for fun. But last week, he could’ve given Alex a run for his money in the cruelty department.
What if this was another one of his twisted games? He said everything I wanted to hear, but I didn’t trust his sudden one-eighty. A week wasn’t long enough for someone to get over the fury he’d displayed.
“For me, or for my tight pussy?” I asked, quoting him. My chin wobbled. “That’s my best quality, right?”
Pain slashed across his face. “Jules…”
“It’s not fair for you to do this.” My vow not to cry splintered as a tear scalded my cheek. “Just because I just fucked up doesn’t mean you can keep torturing me. We have to move on.”
A low growl rumbled from his chest.
Josh rubbed the tear away with his thumb, his touch infinitely gentle, but his eyes blazed with intensity. “There’s no fucking moving on,” he growled. “Not for me. Not for us.”
“You kicked me out of your house last week.” Fresh hurt strangled my lungs. “You fucked me, then you tossed me aside just like everyone else.”
He’d been angry, and rightfully so. But the memory of his words…the look in his eyes…
He weaponized the biggest insecurity I had and turned it against me.
Josh blanched, and the pain on his face sharpened into something so visceral it would’ve broken down my resistance had I not been so terrified.
As much as I wanted Josh back, I couldn’t put myself in a situation to be used or manipulated again.
“It’s been one week. What changed?” Another tear slipped down my cheek. “Do you miss the sex? Is that it?”
“No! That’s not…” Josh pushed a hand through his hair. “I admit, I reacted poorly when you told me the truth. More than poorly. I was blindsided, and I was so fucked in the head from everything that happened the past few years that I lashed out in the cruelest way I think of.” His Adam’s apple bobbed from the force of his swallow.
“Everyone I trusted has lied to me. But you…I told you things I’ve never told anyone. Things that hurt to admit even to myself. Your betrayal hit harder than any of the others combined, but that was my mistake. Thinking it was a betrayal when you were also the only person who’s ever told me the truth of your own accord. You didn’t wait until you were caught, even though you probably could’ve kept it a secret forever and I would’ve never found out. And I…” His voice cracked. “I was an idiot. And I’m sorry. And I lo—”
“Stop.” I couldn’t breathe. “Let me go. Please.”
I needed to think. To process. There was too much going on, and I couldn’t…I couldn’t…
I sucked in another shallow inhale. It did nothing to clear my light-headedness.
“I can’t.” Agony scraped his voice raw. “I’ll do anything you want except that.” Josh lowered his mouth, his heart a wild drum against mine. I turned before he made contact, terrified that if I gave even an inch, he’d take all of me and break the few whole parts I had left.
He froze, his breaths heavy with regret. “There’s no letting you go, Red. It would be easier if you asked me to tear my heart out with my own fucking hands.” He rubbed another tear from my face. “Yes, you made a mistake, but I was cruel, and I said things I never should’ve said.”
Josh buried his face in my neck. Dampness touched my skin, and I realized I wasn’t the only one crying.
“I’m sorry,” he said hoarsely. “For reacting the way I did. For lashing out at you when you tried to do the right thing. For not choosing you the way you deserve when you’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted.”
A small sob rose in my throat.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” He whispered the mantra as
he trailed soft kisses up my neck and over my jaw. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
Josh reached my mouth and hovered there, seeking permission. Seeking forgiveness.
I stared at the floor, my eyes burning with the effort to hold back hope.
“Please.” His ragged plea shredded my resistance. “Tell me what to do, Red. I’ll do anything.”
“I…” Between yesterday’s incident with Max, sitting for the bar exam, and the way Josh scrambled my brains every time he was near, I couldn’t think properly. A dull ache formed behind my temples and blurred my vision. “I need space. I just need to…I need…”
Every breath brought in less and less oxygen.
I wanted to believe Josh, and I certainly wasn’t blame-free in our mess. Wasn’t I the one who wanted him to forgive me for lying?
But now that the moment had come, some infuriating, intangible thing prevented me from fully embracing the situation.
What if he was lying again?
What if I made another mistake and he walked away for good?
What if he woke up one day and decided he made a mistake?
Remember when I said I forgive you? I lied.
What good is it having a daughter if you can’t do one simple thing right?
Once a whore, always a whore.
No one takes my cock better than you do. It’s your best quality.
The jumble of voices in my head sharpened the ache into a piercing pain. The walls pressed in until the phantom scrape of white plaster against my skin roiled my stomach.
I wasn’t claustrophobic, but sometimes my thoughts trapped me in a cage so small I suffocated with each breath.
“I can’t do this right now.” I blinked, trying to clear my vision. “Give me…give me some time. I just need to think.”
The past forty-eight hours had tossed my life into chaos, and I needed to get my bearings before I could move forward.
Josh exhaled a shuddering breath. “Jules…”
“Please.” My voice broke.
He closed his eyes for a brief moment before he pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Okay.” His raw whisper clawed at my heart. “Take however much time you need. I’ll wait.”
For some reason, his words sent a fresh ache through my chest. “Why?”
No one had ever waited for me. I couldn’t fathom why they would.
“Because you’re it for me. Whether it’s today, tomorrow, a year, or decades from now, that’ll never change.” Josh’s lips brushed against my skin before he pulled back, his face taut with emotion. “I’m human, Red. I’ve made mistakes in the past, and I’ll make many more in the future. But one mistake I’ll never make is letting you go, not when there’s even a sliver of a chance left for us. Because the possibility of you is better than the reality of anyone else.”
Saltiness trickled down my cheeks.
“So, like I said…” Josh brushed away my tear. “I’ll wait. For as long as it takes.”
52
JULES
I took that Friday and Monday off from the clinic and returned to the office Tuesday morning, more confused than ever. I’d spent the past few days agonizing over Josh, but I still didn’t know what to do about us. The more I thought it, the more my head hurt, so it was nice to settle into the mindless rhythm of work again. At least it took my mind off my utter mess of a personal life.
Luckily, there’d been an influx of new cases while I was out, and they kept me busy well into the afternoon until the bells over the front door chimed.
We were closed for lunch, so it had to be a staff member…or a volunteer.
My heart jumped in my throat when I turned and saw Josh walk in, still wearing his scrubs and sneakers from the hospital.
Everyone else was eating out or in the kitchen, so it was just the two of us.
“Hi.” Somehow, the word made it past the parched desert of my throat.
“Hi.” Josh stopped next to my desk, his eyes drifting to the bandaged cut on my forehead. A visible swallow worked its way down his throat. “How’s the cut?”
“Better. I’ll survive.” I mustered a smile. “Shouldn’t you be resting right now?”
Now that he was closer, I could see the faint purple smudges beneath his eyes and the lines of exhaustion bracketing his mouth.
“I should. But I wanted to see you.”
A swarm of butterflies soared through my stomach and left a trail of tingles in their wake. “Oh.”
Oh? God, I sounded like an idiot, but I’d lost all ability to function properly.
Josh’s lips curved with a faint hint of bitterness. He’d kept his promise to give me space to think, but the air between us hummed with so many unspoken words I was drowning in them.
Frustration welled in my stomach. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I let go and get back together with him the way I wanted? I wasn’t upset about his hurtful words. I understood why he lashed out the way he had, but something held me back.
Josh opened his mouth like he wanted to say something else, but after a beat, he closed it and walked to his desk. We worked in tense silence until my phone rang and interrupted my pitiful attempt to focus on the clinic’s latest case.
Surprise coasted through me when I checked the caller ID and saw who was calling. We’d exchanged numbers at Bridget’s wedding, but I hadn’t expected to actually hear from him again.
“Hi, Asher,” I said after I picked up.
The sound of Josh typing fell silent.
“Hey, Jules.” Asher Donovan’s smooth drawl flowed over the line. “Sorry for calling out of nowhere, but I’ll be in town tomorrow for a last-minute trip and wanted to see if you’re free for drinks. I’d love to catch up.”
“I…” Asher was gorgeous, charming, and a world-famous athlete. I should be all over his invitation, especially considering how much I’d enjoyed our brief bonding over a certain British royal’s drunken shenanigans at Bridget’s wedding.
But in that moment, I wasn’t thinking about drinks with the man People magazine deemed The Most Eligible Bachelor in Sports. Instead, I was trying my damn hardest not to look at the man sitting less than ten feet away.
The heat from Josh’s stare seared into my skin and distracted me so much I wasn’t even starstruck by the fact I was on the phone with the Asher Donovan.
The universe really was throwing everything at me at once, good and bad.
“It’s not a date,” Asher added. “Just two friends hanging out. And…okay, you’re the only person I know in the city. But I’d hang out with you regardless.”
“Good to know.” I laughed. “But tomorrow…” Honestly, all I wanted was to sleep my nights away like I’d had the past week, but maybe going out would do me some good. It’d make me feel more human and less like a sad shell trudging through the motions of life. “Okay. Let’s do it. The Bronze Gear at six? It’s a bar downtown.”
The heat consuming my left side erupted into an inferno. Despite the frigid air conditioning and my flimsy silk blouse, sweat trickled between my breasts, and it took every ounce of willpower not to sneak a peek at Josh.
“Perfect,” Asher said. “I’ll be in disguise. Baseball cap, blue shirt.”
“Does that actually work?” I doubted a mere baseball cap could disguise him. His face wasn’t one people forgot.
“You’d be surprised. People see what they expect to see, and no one expects to see me hanging out at a D.C. bar on a Wednesday night. See you soon, Jules.”
“See you.”
When I hung up, the silence was so oppressive I swore I could hear the rush of my blood through my veins.
“Asher Donovan?” Josh’s casual question was at odds with his tight voice.
“Yes. He’ll be in town and wants to grab drinks.”
More silence.
Why was it so freaking hot in here? I lifted my hair off my shoulders and finally glanced to my left. Josh’s jaw clenched so tight I was surprised it didn’t crack.
My heart skipped a
beat. “It’s not a date,” I added softly.
I didn’t know why I felt the need to clarify that. Josh and I weren’t dating anymore, and my meetup with Asher was platonic. Still, a frisson of guilt snaked through me at his granite expression.
“Maybe you don’t think it’s a date.” A grim smile touched Josh’s mouth before he turned back to his computer. “But trust me, Jules. Any man would be an idiot to let you go if there was even a chance with you.”
“I figured I’d drop by D.C., pick some poisonous mushrooms, and use them to concoct a special pre-game brew,” Asher said. “What do you think?”
“Sounds great.” I fiddled with my straw.
As promised, Asher and I met up the next night for drinks at The Bronze Gear. Normally, I’d want to hear all about his latest feud with another major soccer star, but I was too distracted to pay much attention to our conversation.
What was Josh doing right now? Sleeping, probably. He’d showed up again at the clinic that day after another long shift, despite Barbs’s insistence he go home. He’d looked ready to collapse at his desk.
Shouldn’t you be resting right now?
I should. But I wanted to see you.
Asher’s laugh dragged me out of my thoughts. “Part of me is offended you’re so blatantly ignoring me.” His tone was drier than the gin in his glass. “Another part is intrigued.”
Heat warmed my cheeks. Admittedly, I was awful company right now.
I also bet Asher didn’t get ignored often, and not only because he was a Ballon d’Or winner. If he weren’t such a talented soccer player, he’d make a killing as a male supermodel.
Sculpted cheekbones, green eyes, dark hair…and I felt nothing except my earlier frustration over my situation with Josh.
I pissed myself off sometimes for more reasons than I could count.
“Your ego can take it,” I said lightly, trying to shake off my melancholy. “Though I’m surprised the cap is actually working.”
Asher had pulled his baseball cap so low it shadowed half his face, and his plain T-shirt and jeans were a far cry from the stylish outfits he usually wore. Thick stubble covered his usually clean-shaven cheeks and jaw. Still, I was surprised by how many people passed by us without sparing him a second glance.