by Amy Stephens
I found myself wondering how the guards would even know if we talked to anyone? I mean, were the instructors going to tell on us if we spoke to the person sitting beside us? Come on, this wasn’t grade school. This was a career step for almost all the students there, and there wasn’t time for petty games.
Guards were set up at the entrances into the buildings. I was pretty sure it was because of us since they “watched us like hawks.” We weren’t going to do anything stupid to jeopardize this little bit of freedom we’d been granted. Right? And besides, we weren’t a real threat to anyone. Yes, we were all criminals in the eyes of the government and prison system, but I, and I’m pretty sure the others too, felt the same, had made it too far to screw up something good that I had going for myself.
My first semester of college went quite well and before I knew it, I was getting ready for my final exams. I’d struggled a little bit in the beginning, trying to develop good study habits, but I managed to make an A and two Bs when the semester finally came to a close. It was a good way to end it, and I was quite proud of my accomplishments.
As for the second semester, well, I struggled a little bit and even wondered if I was cut out for college. Some of the Falcon Club guys seemed to breeze right on through, yet I stumbled, especially when it came to writing essays. I stayed up as late as I could, working on homework and even gave up the time I’d used for working out in the prison gym to devote to my assignments.
Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who had some issues, though. Halfway through the semester, we were granted permission to use the military library on base on the nights we weren’t in class as well as on the weekends. The same rules applied to the library as they did to the classroom. No interaction with anyone else, whatsoever. It was even more vital at the library that we “behave ourselves” since there were military spouses with their kids there. There were no guards from what I could tell, but there were cameras located all throughout the building.
The Falcon Club guys often joked about what the “eyes and ears of the ceiling” could see and hear at the library, but truth be known, I didn’t really want to know. Eventually, some of the guys might push their limits to see how far they could go, but I didn’t want any part of it. It was only human nature to test the system.
By the time my first full year of college was over, I’d been actually glad to have the summer off. I needed a breather and some time to regroup. It’d been tougher than I’d ever imagined, but in the end, I’d passed all my classes with decent grades again. I was still working at the golf course too, and now I could put in a few more hours each week. I needed to replenish my account.
Once a month, I’d call my momma and share with her all of the good things that happened for me. She couldn’t have been any prouder. She’d update me on the kids, and I wished like crazy I could see them. In the next letter I got from her, she’d enclosed the proof shots from where their pictures had been taken the previous school year. We’d never had the money to buy any of them, but Momma had always cut out the paper copies of the digital proofs from the order form and placed them on our refrigerator. None of us minded that the word “Proof” was overlaid on the image, and I sure as hell didn’t mind it now.
I cried as I stared at the pictures of each of my brothers and sisters. Little Diego wasn’t so little anymore and wow, Isabel was gorgeous. She was going to break some boy’s heart one day. Ricky was now a fine young man too, and Eliana was just the cutest thing with her hair braided. All I needed now was to see a photo of Momma and Mama Camila.
All was good until the first week of August, four weeks before my second year of college was to begin. We received some rather disturbing news at the camp. With federal cutbacks, it’d been decided the government would no longer provide the funds for inmates to attend college. It wasn’t to say we couldn’t still attend, but we’d have to find some other means of paying for it.
I was devastated. I’d just passed the halfway mark in my ten-year sentence, and now this had happened. How the fuck was I going to pay thousands of dollars for school? Hell, my family wasn’t able to afford that.
I called Momma the next weekend during our scheduled phone time, and she immediately sensed something was wrong from the tone of my voice. Gone was my usual enthusiasm. I tried to cut our conversation short when she asked me questions, and I even considered hanging up on her. That wasn’t the right thing to do, I mean, it wasn’t her fault.
I finally told her what’d been bothering me, and she got really quiet. I thought for a moment that maybe she’d hung up on me instead, but I finally detected a faint sob on the other end. She shouldn’t cry. After all, this wasn’t her problem nor her fault, but we’d been each other’s rock for so long. She knew how much going to college meant to me.
“Jaime, I don’t know what to tell you,” she said, barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry, son.”
“I should’ve known it was too good of a deal,” I said rather harshly.
“Don’t you give up!” she immediately responded. “You keep your head up and have faith. We’re not quitters. We’ve never been, and will not start today, either.”
There wasn’t much more I could say, so we cut our call early. I went back to my bunk that night and ripped out all the pages from my binder that I’d saved from the previous term. If I’d had a lighter I probably would’ve burned them just to help me deal with my emotions.
I went down to the gym and worked out vigorously on the weights. I’d probably pay the price tomorrow, but I didn’t care. I pounded them fiercely, forcing my frustrations on the equipment. Since I’d have more free time now, I figured I might as well get started back on my routine again since I’d let it go to devote to studying and homework.
The next day, I took my aggression out on one of the lawnmowers we used at the golf course. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have done such a thing, but today I needed to let out some of my anger. I took one of the screwdrivers we used for minor repair work on the equipment and I jabbed it multiple times into the cushioned seat. Over and over, I kept stabbing it. Bits and pieces went all over the place until I’d finally mutilated it beyond use. I stepped back to look at the mess I’d made, and just when I was about to walk away so someone else could deal with it, one of the wardens walked up behind me. He knew I wasn’t a problem inmate, so he politely asked me to walk with him to his office. I just knew I was about to get into some serious trouble.
Once inside, I told him all about what had happened with the funds being cut, and he just nodded.
“I’m sorry,” I told him when I realized he wasn’t going to punish me.
Well, I was going to have to replace the seat from my own resources, if you wanted to call that punishment, but he was willing to cut me some slack and not make my actions known to the higher ups. He said he understood my frustrations, and we were going to keep it amongst ourselves. Had I accomplished anything by destroying the seat? No, but when was it ever going to end? I simply couldn’t handle any more bad news.
Of the initial group of guys from the Falcon Club who’d started at Bishop last year, only eighteen had now enrolled for the fall term. I was glad those guys had found a way to continue going, but I was jealous as hell. I wanted to be one of them.
I was still up reading when the bus dropped them off after the first night of class. One of the guys known as Jazz passed by my room, then stopped.
“Jaime, my man, what happened to you tonight?”
Still bitter, I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but it wasn’t his fault. “It is what it is, dude. My family don’t have that kind of money just lying around.”
“Huh?” Jazz looked at me with a weird look on his face. “But they called your name. You were supposed to be on the bus tonight.”
Chapter Nine
MIRACLES DO HAPPEN.
The next morning I got permission to talk to one of the advisors from Bishop. Jazz wouldn’t let it go last night. He swore up and down my name was on the list of enrol
led students this semester. I felt like an idiot, because I already knew the advisor was going to tell me it was an error, and they were sorry for the misunderstanding. There was no sense in getting my hopes up, but I still tossed all through the night. Was it possible? Had they really called my name because I was supposed to have been there?
Wouldn’t you know, I was wrong, and Jazz was one hundred percent correct!
By some miracle of God, my tuition had been taken care of. The most surprising part of all, it’d been paid for until I was finished or left the prison, whichever one came first. I got lightheaded from the news and had to sit back down again before I could leave the advisor’s office. Was I hearing him right? My college was taken care of? But how?
The advisor got me some water, and I took a couple gulps. I had to be dreaming.
Just to confirm it all, he turned the computer monitor around to show me that I was indeed an active enrolled student that semester. I knew it was probably inappropriate, but when I stood to leave again, I reached over and hugged his neck. Heck, I didn’t know him, and he didn’t know me or anything about me, but the news he’d shared with me just gave me some kind of hope that there was indeed a God out there. That someone was looking out for me.
I was going back to class again! I wanted to shout it out loud for the world to hear. I, Jaime Garcia, was officially a college student again.
On Sunday I made a surprise phone call to Momma. In order for us to be able to talk, she’d bought one of those prepaid cell phones. It was primarily for emergency uses only and strictly for the conversations between the two of us. I wasn’t even sure if the kids knew she had the phone, so I was a little skeptical calling during our unscheduled time.
“Jaime, is everything okay?” she asked, obviously taken by surprise since my phone call wasn’t at our planned time.
It took me a moment before I could say anything.
“Yes, Momma. Everything is fabulous.” I wondered if she felt my happiness radiating through the phone.
We talked for a little bit, and finally she confessed that she’d spoken with my grandfather, the one who’d been a mystery to me my entire life. And while I still to this day don’t know if he really is my grandfather, it’d only made sense since he’d so willingly handled my tuition situation. I was grateful the man had come through for me, and I just hoped that one day I’d get the opportunity to thank him for it.
Over the next two semesters, I was able to get all of my core classes out of the way. Finally, at the beginning of my junior year, I’d started on my business courses. The course load and requirements changed dramatically, and I had more special projects and group assignments.
Despite the rules, I had some interaction with a couple of my classmates instead of being standoffish as I’d been the first two years. Part of me had been leery of the rules about socializing, and I didn’t want to take any chances. Recently, though, I’d noticed a few other guys in the Falcon Club getting friendly, so I thought I’d lighten up a bit too. Many of the students now were in the same business classes with me, and they’d become more recognizable.
One student in particular, a young lady by the name of Leslie, piqued my interest. I’d noticed before how she seemed to go out of her way to sit by me, or she’d trade with another classmate when we were selected for group work. At first, I didn’t think anything of it, but when she passed me her phone number one night after class, I knew then I had to put a stop to it. Obviously, she didn’t know anything about me or any of the Falcon club guys.
On the bus ride back to camp that night, my friend, Hector, laughed when I told him what she’d done.
“You serious, man? She gave you her phone number?” He joked with me, but Hector had a couple secrets of his own.
“Yeah, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, though. She’s cute, but… well, it’s not like there could ever be anything.”
“Who cares about that? Just get you some, man. She’s a hot little thing,” he’d encouraged, but I knew it wasn’t right to lead her on.
“Hec, that ain’t me.” It wasn’t me, truth be known, but damn, what I wouldn’t do to get some. Just the thought of being with a woman again made me hard. “Heck, when she finds out we’re all inmates, she’s going to run like hell anyway.” I tried to make a joke of it, but I couldn’t imagine being in her position and finding out about us.
“You say that, but that’s not what happened with me and Tonja. When she found out why I wore these clothes, she wanted me even more,” Hector said. “She most definitely was up for the challenge, and she wanted a piece of me.”
He killed me with what he said, and I didn’t know whether he was joking or serious.
“Now, you’re killing me, dude.” I noticed Hector wasn’t laughing anymore, that he stared right at me. Was there something going on between him and Tonja?
“I’m just fucking her. It’s not like I’ll ever see her again,” he admitted.
That got my full attention. “You’re having sex with her? How? I mean I know how to have sex, but where? And how are you not getting caught?” I was floored.
By the time we got back to camp that night my head spun with everything Hector had shared with me. He wasn’t worried about me telling on him since we all had each other’s backs, but he was sure putting himself at risk. And Tonja, too.
The questions I’d had about the library and how closely it was monitored had just been answered. Hector and Tonja had stumbled upon a storage room there, and they used it pretty regularly. The most shocking of all, though, was when he told me about the few times he’d actually left the base with her.
At first, I thought he made it up. Why would either one of them take such risks, but Hector said he was addicted to her. Sex with her was like nothing he’d ever had before. He told me about the nipple rings she had as well as the piercing she had in her clit. “She’s wild as hell,” he’d shared. I’d found myself getting hard just listening to him talk about all they had done.
There was no way I’d put myself in jeopardy by doing all that, but it sure didn’t hurt to think about the possibilities. I didn’t want to hurt Leslie in any way or embarrass her by letting her know I wasn’t available, so I kindly tried to stay away from her. She still flirted, but I couldn’t help not flirting back. I was flattered she’d found me attractive.
Chapter Ten
AT LAST, IT WAS my senior year. There’d been so many remarkable things that happened to me over the last few years, despite being incarcerated, but just knowing I’d be graduating next semester gave me even more hope. As for Leslie, well, I’d finally broken down and told her the truth about me. She’d been so persistent about asking me out that she’d really left me no other choice but to confess the truth behind the gray clothes I always wore.
She hadn’t taken the news very well in the beginning, as was to be expected, but I’d done my best not to lead her on. She backed off a little bit, but I think when she realized I wasn’t a threat to her and that’d I’d been completely honest with her concerning the situation, she warmed up to me again. Toward the end of the fall semester, I’d asked her to meet me at the library just so I could tell her goodbye and wish her well. She was graduating early, and I knew the excitement she felt. After all, I was down to only one more semester myself.
She was hesitant at first, and I honestly couldn’t blame her. I wasn’t sure I would have agreed to meet me either if I’d been in her shoes, but she had at the last minute, saying she was glad everything was out in the open now.
We’d planned to meet at two o’clock, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about seeing her outside the classroom. The night before, I’d talked to Hector just to make sure I wasn’t making a mistake about meeting her. He told me where I needed to go so I wouldn’t be noticed.
I stepped off the bus and wandered up to the second floor where we’d agreed to meet. Leslie was already there, waiting on me, when I stepped out of the elevator. She was dressed comfortably in jeans and a pull
over Bishop sweatshirt, while I sported my Falcon Club jumpsuit. She looked relaxed, whereas I was tense as hell. I was so afraid someone would see us together, and I knew I’d hate myself if I got her into any kind of trouble.
I knew almost immediately that I didn’t have the balls to put the moves on her. There was no way I could ask her to go to one of the secret rooms Hector had told me about. I just couldn’t, and she sure as hell didn’t need the liability of someone like me. I had too much respect for her. I didn’t know if she was expecting more from our get-together, but after thirty minutes or so of small talk, she stood and reached for her purse. It saddened me to know she was ready to end our time together so soon.
“Well, Jaime, it’s been a real pleasure getting to know you.” The smile on her face as she spoke seemed genuine, and she extended her hand for me to shake.
Was this it? Was this goodbye already? God, I wasn’t ready for our time together to be over just yet. We’d just started getting to know one another. I was just…just starting to relax with her.
“Same here, Leslie. I wish you only the best.” I sincerely meant that for her too. She’d changed since she’d discovered the truth about me, though, regardless of whether or not she chose to admit it. Gone were the nights of flirting and teasing. Gone was the possibility of, well…of anything possibly happening that day, and I realized I’d been stupid to think anything would. She was all serious, and that was okay. It wasn’t as if we were ever going to see each other again. With that being said, it was time to let her go.
“You take care.” I laid my hand on top of hers, hesitant to release it. I looked around to see if anyone else was near. “Leslie, do you mind if I give you a hug?” I asked when I saw we were alone.
“Here?” she questioned. “Maybe if we went somewhere else, but I can’t right here in the open where someone might see us.”