Falling for Her

by Amy Stephens

  I walked outside to get some much needed fresh air. I had a couple minutes before the bus was scheduled to arrive, so I bummed a cigarette from an inmate buddy and walked to the end of the sidewalk. It was an off-limits location, but I didn’t care. What would they have done to me if someone had spotted me? I didn’t really give a fuck at that point.

  I wasn’t a smoker, but occasionally I’d taken a few puffs when one of my Falcon Club buddies had offered. Right then, I needed to relax and bring my emotions back in tack. I inhaled deeply, holding it in my lungs for a few moments before slowly blowing out a stream of smoke. My gaze kept darting to the entrance, looking for Erica to walk outside. While I wanted to see her, there was a part of me that didn’t. I wanted to let her go, but I wanted to hang on. I was so torn, confused.

  The sun had already set for the evening, and the street lights shone brightly against the gray sidewalk. Gray. I’d be so glad to get away from the color gray. Everything I owned was gray, gray, and gray. I despised it, and vowed I’d never own anything gray ever again.

  From the corner of my eye I saw the door open, and Erica walked out. She hesitated a moment, then looked from left to right and back left again. Her gaze stopped directly on me, and for a brief second, mine locked on hers. Before I could look away, she was headed in my direction.

  Truth be known, I didn’t want to run from her. I really didn’t. I did want to see her again, to see those pretty sparkling eyes one last time, but to see them cloudy and sad wouldn’t do either of us any good.

  “Hey there,” I said rather harshly and exhaled another puff of smoke. I realized being a jackass toward her wasn’t fair.

  “I was worried I wouldn’t see you before you had to go.”

  I didn’t want to listen to what I knew was coming. Just don’t be an asshole. She hasn’t done anything wrong.

  “Well, you found me.” It was hard to remove the brusque tone from my voice.

  That behavior wasn’t me, and I wished I could take it back. The bitterness toward her all of a sudden wasn’t fair. Her face was filled with worry, and I wished more than anything I could reach up, run my fingers across her cheeks, and tell her everything was going to be okay, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know myself what next week or next month would hold. The only thing I could offer at the moment was the possibility to meet one more time alone at the library on Sunday.

  “Sunday at two. Our spot,” I muttered before turning and walking toward the bus that had just pulled up. The timing couldn’t have been any better.

  I dropped my head, afraid she’d see the tears that had welled up in my eyes. I wouldn’t cry in front of her. I had to be strong. Yes, I had to be strong.

  She watched my every step, as if trying to figure out what had just happened. I felt her gaze practically penetrating my skin. Even as the bus pulled away, I knew she was still standing on the sidewalk, just as confused as before, and wanting one last chance to be with me.

  ***

  Dark clouds filled the sky and thunder sounded in the distance. It was a gloomy, sad day, and the weather didn’t do much to help. I stood by the road and waited for the bus. I was the only inmate going to the library, and I hoped when it showed up the driver wouldn’t feel that transporting one person was a waste of his time.

  I was right on time, but the bus was late. I paced the area, hoping there hadn’t been a change of plans and I’d been forgotten. I’d hate knowing she was at the library waiting for me--if this was the case--and I had no way of letting her know.

  Hard raindrops began to fall. It was only a matter of time before the storm was right on top us. Just as I was about to give up and turn to run back inside, the bus rounded the corner. I ran out in the middle of the street and hopped on as soon as the doors opened. Yes, this was it. I was finally going to see her.

  The driver pulled up as close to the front entrance of the library as the bus would allow him, and I darted down the steps, not even bothering to confirm the time he was to pick me back up. By then the rain poured in torrential sheets, and the wind whipped through the trees. Bad weather was near, and I wanted to be with her should conditions worsen. She didn’t need to be left alone in the big library.

  I walked into the restroom closest to the entrance and pulled out several paper towels from the dispenser. As I patted my arms and face, trying to wipe away as much moisture as I could, I thought back to the night many weeks ago when we’d gotten a little carried away in the women’s bathroom. Damn, I’d had some really good times with Erica. That night had been pretty damn mind blowing. It was amazing how much I’d enjoyed her company. All this time, we’d only met in two places—school and at the library. I couldn’t stop from imaging how good things might be if we’d had a chance to meet in the real world.

  I noticed there were very few patrons in the library. No doubt the weather had kept everyone away. Instead of using the elevator, I decided to take the stairs just so the opening of the elevator doors didn’t give away my arrival. I wanted to surprise her.

  I spotted her in the distance and, suddenly, the lights flickered. A loud clap of thunder rumbled, and I swore lightning must have struck close by, judging from the sound of it. Normally, storms didn’t make me feel uneasy, but that one was doing a number on me. Suddenly, the top floor went completely dark, and I stopped dead in my tracks.

  With her being alone she was probably frightened, so I stuck my hand out in front of me, making sure not to run into anything, and continued in her direction. I knew the place like the back of my hand by then. I took about twenty steps or so and noticed the glow from her cell phone light. I was merely inches from her.

  I took my chances and leaned down where she sat on the couch. I found her face with my hands and gently angled it toward me. Thank goodness she hadn’t cried out. It was as though she’d sensed my presence. Her perfume smelled so sweet, and I couldn’t resist wrapping my arms around her and pulling her mouth to my own. Our lips met, and for a moment, I was lost somewhere in another world. This was what heaven felt like, for sure.

  Neither one of us wanted to separate for air, but when the lights flickered again, we pulled apart only because we didn’t want to get busted. I looked around and realized it must have been a generator that’d kicked on because only half the lights were back on.

  For the next few moments, we talked about anything and everything, just to avoid what we knew was coming. At some point we had to talk about our future. I’d put it off long enough.

  She got quiet, and when our gazes locked on one another, tears clouded her eyes. She, too, was sick with worry. I held her in my arms again and prayed I could come up with some answers soon. The problem, though? I wasn’t sure if I really had any.

  “Can we talk about us? What’s going to happen when you’re back home and I’m still here?” She managed to get the words out.

  Unable to fight it any longer, the tears rolled down her face, and it was all I could do not to get up and run away. I was the reason for her sobs, for her being so upset. Running didn’t solve anything and neither did avoiding it.

  “I…I don’t know, Erica. I’ve been trying to figure this out myself.”

  “Don’t you want to see me again?”

  Just hearing her say that killed me. Yes, I wanted to see her again. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

  “I do, baby. I really do, but I have to ask, am I somebody you want to be with?” I struggled to find the right words to say. “To have a future with?”

  I finally opened up. As hard as it was, I laid everything out, plain and simple. She may have thought she knew what she wanted, but she still had so much of her life ahead of her. From school, to a career, to other possible relationships. The opportunities for her were endless. She was young, and her entire future was at the tip of her fingertips. I’d lived so many more years than her, and yet she essentially had the upper hand on me. She was actually able to live those years like a normal person instead of locked up in some prison camp.


  As for me, well, I had a lot of learning to do myself. Adjusting to everyday normal life again was going to be a job in itself. I’d have to get to know my family all over again. I’d have to find a job. I’d have to keep my secret safe for fear someone might use it against me, and at that moment, she was the only friend outside prison that I had.

  I’d already started talking with a social worker who handled prisoners who were coming up for release. There were classes I’d have to take once I was back in Miami at a halfway house. It was similar to being on probation, with an exit strategy into the real world. In a way, I was glad I wasn’t being thrown to the wolves and left to survive on my own. I had to say, I was pretty thankful for it. I’d never tell her, or anyone else for that matter, but I was scared shitless about my release. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy, but I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to fit in again, that the world was just more than I was ready to take on.

  I suspected, deep inside, she really understood what I felt, but it didn’t stop the pain. For me or for her.

  “So you’re saying this is it then? That none of this meant anything to you.” She struggled with her words.

  God, why did it have to be this way?

  “No, I’m not saying that at all. Not at all,” I pleaded.

  “Then what are you saying then? I had fun and thanks for helping me pass the time. Is that what it is?” By this time she’d raised her voice, understandably, and I was afraid someone was going to notice us.

  “I--I just need time. I need to get control of my life again,” I begged. “I’ve been locked away for ten fucking years, Erica. I have to get my life situated before I can have a life with anyone else.”

  I stood, not wanting to fight with her. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I needed her support, to know she’d be willing to give me time. Was that too much to ask?

  She reached down to pick up her purse and took a couple steps toward the elevator. No, she couldn’t leave me like this. Without hesitation, I reached out for her. Angry or not, we couldn’t end it like that.

  “Look at me,” I told her and pulled her mouth to mine. With my hands on both sides of her jaw, I kissed her in a way I’d never kissed anyone else before—fierce but gentle.

  “Please don’t hurt me, Jaime,” she pleaded. “I don’t want to lose you.”

  “Erica, it was never my intention to hurt you. Not ever. And I’m sorry. I’m just so scared. My life. Your life. It was never supposed to happen.”

  “What do you mean? It wasn’t supposed to happen?” She looked confused.

  “Erica, I love you.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  LATER THAT DAY, I did something I’d promised not only her, but myself as well, that I wasn’t going to do. Somehow, though, I felt it was necessary to let her know how I truly felt.

  Erica and I visited the storage room again, and I made love to the woman who’d captured my heart. Despite me being older, I felt as if I was in love for the very first time. And I guess maybe I was. Maybe that was the first time I’d truly experienced love. No one had ever been so genuine and kind. In the months I’d gotten to know her, she hadn’t judged me for what I had, or in my case, what I didn’t have. She didn’t see me as being a criminal. She didn’t hold it against me that I’d grown up poor and that my family had lived a humble life. She didn’t care that I’d never had a father to offer me guidance and strength. She saw me for who I really was.

  Before we said our goodbyes that evening, Erica slipped me a piece of paper with every possible way to contact her. In return, I’d given her my mother’s phone number and address. Hopefully, when I’d secured a job, I’d be able to have a phone number of my own so I could call her.

  I left her that afternoon feeling hopeful.

  ***

  On Wednesday, I was called to the visiting room. I’d been looking forward to seeing my momma again, and when I laid eyes on her standing over by the window, the only thing I could do at first was stare at the woman in front of me.

  It’d been six years since I’d last seen her. Momma had aged, but for once she looked happy. I was sure it was painful for her to see me still dressed in prison attire, all the while being monitored, but her expression didn’t show it. I was hours away from walking out of that place for good—hours away from being a new man.

  The guard didn’t stop us from embracing, and for that, I was thankful. We both wiped our tears, but this time they were happy ones instead of the sad ones we’d shared so many times before.

  We spent the next hour getting to know one another again. Even though we spoke on the phone on a monthly basis, having her physically in front of me was a miracle in itself. I still hadn’t told her anything about Erica, and I wasn’t sure when I’d break the news to her. Before she left, I held her in my arms.

  The next night I showered and combed my hair to perfection. Even though I’d be wearing my graduation cap and gown, I wanted to look nice for the reunion with my family, and for Erica. I wanted to blend in with all the other graduates instead of sticking out like I sore thumb in that stupid gray mess I’d worn for years. I didn’t want anyone else to know I was still a member of the Falcon Club, even if it was for just a few more days.

  The bus let me and several others off at the front of the auditorium. My shoes hurt my feet, but that was the least of my concerns. The guard escorted us inside, and we were given directions where to go. I wished I’d had time to locate my family beforehand. I was eager to see Mama Camila, Ricky, and Isabel. I was saddened Diego and Eliana couldn’t make the trip, but the rental car Momma had gotten couldn’t hold everyone. Plus, she would’ve had to get an extra hotel room. I understood and knew if it’d been feasible Momma would have made it happen.

  I also wanted to see Erica.

  I was nervous and excited.

  All the business graduates had been placed in a room together, and when the time was near, we lined up alphabetically. We filed in behind the liberal art graduates and proceeded to take our seats inside the auditorium. Everyone walked so quickly I wasn’t able to look through the hordes of people who filled the lobby and the main theater. After I sat, I tried to turn my head to see if I recognized anyone, but it wasn’t feasible. There were so many people, and with the dim lighting, it was near impossible to pick anyone out.

  I faintly listened to the guest speakers. When it was time for the School of Business graduates to proceed, we all rose and walked in single file toward the front. One by one, each graduate took the stage to shake hands with the dean and to receive their diplomas.

  “Jaime Garcia, Summa Cumme Laude.”

  The audience clapped just as they’d done for the other high-ranking graduates, but I was so caught up in the moment, I barely remember walking onto the stage. My hand trembled when I took the empty diploma holder from the dean, and I almost forgot to look into the audience. I proceeded to walk down the few steps to return to my seat.

  That was a moment I never thought I’d ever accomplish in my life. Ever. I’d literally gone through hell to get there, but receiving my degree was something no one could ever take away from me. I’d earned it the honest way. My pride and self-worth might have been tarnished, but the degree was hard earned and worth every bit of the time I’d dedicated to earning it.

  After the final name was announced and we’d all swapped our tassels over, everyone erupted in loud cheering. That was it. I’d officially graduated.

  I quickly walked from the auditorium. My instructions were to return my cap and gown to the room where it’d been issued and in return, my diploma would be given to me. After that, I had less than an hour to spend with my family before I was taken back to the camp. An hour wasn’t long, but I’d enjoy every moment of it, for sure. I also had someone else to find: Erica.

  The lobby was filled will so many people it was nerve-racking. I kept looking in all different directions, and my head spun from so much chaos.

  Suddenly, I spotted my momma. She stood there in awe with her hand
s covering her mouth, taking in the sight of me. Next to her was Ricky and Isabel. Wow, they weren’t kids anymore. They’d grown into fine young adults, and they looked well. Next to them, Mama Camila sat in her chair. Momma had already told me Mama Camila’s health was declining rapidly and she wouldn’t be around much longer, but she’d wanted to make the trip anyway. She’d wanted to see her oldest grandson graduate from college.

  I was within a few feet of them when a hand reached out for my arm. I turned to see where it came from, and there she was. Even though I didn’t stop to talk to her, I was sure the expression my face showed how glad I was to see her. I still didn’t feel the time was right to introduce her to my family. It was bad enough my brothers and sisters had never learned the truth of my whereabouts, even after all those years, and I was afraid something might slip should I introduce them to her.

  We hugged and had a glorious family reunion. We slowly headed to the refreshment area, and I made sure Mama Camila got something to sip on. She was as precious as she could be, and I was thankful she’d lived long enough for this momentous occasion in my life.

  Someone brushed against my arm, and I turned to see Erica walk by. Damn, she was gorgeous in her dress and heels. I felt bad for not speaking with her earlier, so I politely excused myself from my family for a minute and casually followed her. She deserved to have a moment of my time, too. After all, tonight was it.

  She stopped outside the hallway of elevators. I walked up beside her, pretending we were both headed to another floor. As soon as the elevator doors shut, she was in my arms. She’d pressed the button for the tenth floor, and I wondered what had made her select that particular level. The elevator moved slowly, but not slow enough for us. After the doors opened, we stepped out, and it was then I picked up on why she’d selected that particular floor. Construction was underway, but for graduation purposes, the work had ceased for the day. Equipment and tools were everywhere, but it didn’t stop us from continuing where we’d left off inside the elevator.