Still Surviving

by A. M. Johnson

  “I want to punch that asshole. I hated how he looked at you… like he wanted… well… I’m sorry you had to deal with that.” Scott’s dark brown hair had gotten long since I started working here over a month ago. The strands were curling around his collar and were way past the top of his ears, almost touching the large gauges he had in his ear lobes.

  Scott was beyond attractive. The shaggy hair, the big muscles, the full sleeves of tattoos, the tight ass, and the strict line of his jaw were everything a girl lusts for and would want in her life. I could only imagine what he was like in bed, what it would feel like to be wrapped up in all that man. But, I didn’t date clients or co-workers. To be honest, I haven’t dated anyone… not since… well, not since that night with him… with Seth.

  I’d recently been hired on here at Magnolia part-time, working only on Sundays. I also worked at a place called Blue Bar full-time as the assistant manager. I’d worked for Frank, the owner of Blue, for four years, since I was twenty-one. I’d been working there for just over a year when Seth and his buddy Todd came strolling in for interviews. Frank instantly loved Todd’s “go get’em” attitude and hired him on the spot to help run the place and the music label he owned. There was only one position available at the time, so Seth was forced to go work for his dad. The minute that man walked into my life, the minute Seth’s cold and clear azure eyes met mine, was the minute I knew I’d met the man that I was meant for. His eyes had filled with warmth as he searched my features that day; I watched as the ice melted and the boyish smile spread across his full, kissable mouth. He felt it too… that spark, that undeniable pull… well, so I’d thought.

  Over the years, I’d realized that he didn’t date. He’d go home with these gorgeous women, these tanned demi-gods, and here I was a short waif with hardly any tits or ass to speak off. I was friend zoned, and now, over three years later, just as infatuated as I was on day one. There were times that I thought maybe, just maybe, he was starting to have feelings for me. Maybe behind the hard, sarcastic demeanor he bore so well, there could be some sort of emotion. He was so sweetly funny when he wanted, caring. I didn’t lie to myself to think he cared about me more than a friend should.

  But that one night, the rain had been falling in buckets and the bar was dead. My co-worker, Jace, was pissed at Lily, the new girl at the time, my now good friend, for choosing to date Todd over him. Jace was being a general prick, the typical caveman that he was, and said some horrific things to Lily. I tried to get in the middle to stop what was going down and got caught in the crossfire. Jace had shoved me so hard into the counter that I’d lost my breath. It had shocked me to say the least. Seth had just happened to come in and all hell broke loose. Long story short, Jace was hospitalized and Seth ended up in jail.

  I remember being in pain, the searing fire as it ripped down my leg and radiated up my arm. I remember gasping for breath, and I remember Seth defending my honor, defending me. The white-hot anger in his eyes, the blue flame flicked as he beat Jace to a pulp for shoving me into the hard wood. In that moment, I had no doubt that he cared about me… that there was more to him then his one night stands. I had always suspected Seth was hurting. Sometimes, when he thought no one was watching, he’d let the mask fall. The anger, fear, and sadness he’d tried to hide would flood his eyes. Something was holding him back, and I wasn’t sure if it was the small pieces of his history he had given me or some greater demon he kept hidden. I’d always wanted to be the person to help him through it, and that night had been my chance… so I’d thought.

  The rain was near torrential as Seth and I ran from the police station to the car. The night had really turned out to be shit. The pain in my side ached, and I silently hoped Jace was hurting as much as I was. Frank had sent me with bail money to get Seth out “from behind bars.”

  “Let me drive?” Seth smiled, and I tossed him my keys. How he could smile in a situation like this was beyond me. His face was bruised and his eyebrow split, two small butterfly stitches holding it together.

  My small car felt even smaller with him in it. How many times had I pictured him here? Ever the athlete, his broad shoulders and six foot two inch, fully tattooed, powerhouse of a frame occupied the space entirely, just as I knew he would. The signature spicy scent that Seth wore permeated the air surrounding me, spreading heat through my body, and I prayed that the smell would coat the seats so I’d always have a piece of him here… with me. Seth’s dark, almost black hair was wet and fell across his forehead; rain dripped from some of the longer pieces.

  “Thanks for springing me, Tiff. Shit, I’d have died if I had to listen to that drunk dude all night.” He laughed and the sound went instantly to my stomach, sending the butterflies into overdrive. “Hey… you awake?” He lightly shoved my shoulder before he chuckled again.

  “Sorry… I’m… must still be in shock.” My eyes couldn’t meet his. I was like a schoolgirl with a crush and the boy I liked was sitting right next to me, it was fucking ridiculous.

  Seth frowned and grit his teeth, causing his jaw to pulse. “He really scared you, didn’t he?” I nodded. “Shit, babe, I’m sorry he hurt you.”

  Twice tonight he called me babe: once before he lost it on Jace and then now. It confused me, but it gave me the courage to say what I needed to say. “I’ll be fine. I was more worried… about you.”

  He reached across the console, his fingers smoothly moving the wet strands from my cheek. “You were worried about me?” Seth sounded like he was choking, as if the words were strangling him.

  His fingertips brushed the line of my jaw sending goose bumps across every surface of my skin. The faint touch, the mingled breath — I shuddered. Unsure of what to do, I spoke. “Thank you.” Seth had never touched me like this, we were friends…

  “For what?” The tone of his voice was laced with quiet disbelief. The heat of his skin left mine. His hand rested against the emergency brake, the word “trust” inked just below his knuckles. I wanted to trust him; I wanted to feel every bit of this moment… I needed this… him, for so long.

  “For caring about me… enough to defend me.” The corner of my lips tipped up into a thankful grin.

  He exhaled sharply and cursed under his breath. He reached toward me, and I thought he was going to caress my face, take my lips to his. But instead, he tangled his fingers into my hair at the nape of my neck, and, with a gentle tug, pulled my head back. A soft whimper fell from my parted lips as heat collected along the apex of my thighs, making me ache… for what he would do next. Seth didn’t kiss me like he should have. He didn’t take my mouth… he didn’t whisper sweet nothings into my ear. Instead, he brought his lush lips to my throat. The tip of his nose tickled the sensitive skin as he tasted the pulse in my neck with his tongue. The grip in my hair tightened as he drew his teeth against my flesh, making me squeeze my legs together to relieve the pressure he was building inside me.

  “Seth?” I murmured his name as he rested his cheek against my collarbone, his nose buried in the crook of my neck.

  He inhaled deeply. Pulling every last bit of me into his lungs. ”Christ.” He eased his hold on my hair and let his hand drift down my back. “Tiff?” His lips dusted against my skin.

  “Yes?” The word was breathy… needy… filled with hope.

  “Let’s go to your place. I’m… I’m not ready to go home.” He leaned back, and the sharp blue of his eyes danced with desire, pleading with me to comply, begging me to fulfill his request.

  I should refuse him; I wasn’t even sure what the hell was going on, but Seth was finally opening up to me, and I wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass me by. “Are you sure?”

  He nodded and pulled away from me completely. His eyes now on the rearview mirror as he backed out of the parking space. “You know where you’re going?” It had just occurred to me that even though Seth and I were friends, we’d never really hung out outside of the bar. I’d only been to Seth and Todd’s place a handful of times for a party here and the
re, but I’d never just been with Seth… like this.

  “No, not really.” His voice was void of the warmth that had saturated it earlier, and my nerves began to ignite. I gave him my address and simple instructions; I lived about two miles from the police station. Two miles… Two miles… In two miles our entire relationship would shift. And I had a feeling it wouldn’t be for the better.

  “Tiffany… earth to Tiff.” Scott’s snicker broke me from my memory. “What the hell? Where’d you just go?”

  “Sorry, I totally zoned out.” I tried to smile away my embarrassment. I was so lost in thought, thoughts of Seth, his fingers, and lips against my skin; it was as if he branded me that night. He ruined me whether he knew it or not.

  “I guess so… that fucking jock mess with you?” Scott’s shoulders tensed.

  “Nah, I’m fine, just got some stuff on my mind.” My eyes drifted to the wall clock. In thirty minutes my next appointment would be here, and I still needed to clean.

  “Well, I’m just over here if you need anything.” He placed his hand on my shoulder. The touch didn’t bother me; I was numb to it. I didn’t allow myself to feel the weight of his strong fingers. I couldn’t… not yet.

  “Thanks Scott.” My smile was genuine when I met his eyes. He nodded and walked back to his workstation.

  Seth had left me in ruins… left me stranded, my heart in the middle of nowhere on this empty back road. He’d made sure I’d never find my way back.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Seth

  BLUE BAR WAS CLOSED Sundays, so I was stuck here at Ute’s Brew Pub next to campus. Part of me enjoyed myself immensely while I was here, lots of hot chicks to pick from and most of the jock dickheads who were all revved up on steroids kept their money and business at home on the Sabbath. Tonight was no different. The shitty pop music filtered through the overhead speakers, and the porcelain dolls were already licking their chops from across the bar. Their giggles and slow motion lip biting were just obvious enough to irritate me, but it still affected my dick just the same.

  Tonight the pickings were slim, and if I was being honest with myself, I should have just stayed home, ate Lily’s dinner, and gone the fuck to bed. I had a seven a.m. class to teach tomorrow, and, if I wasn’t careful, coming to a bar like this, so close to campus… I could accidently screw a student and that would be awkward. I let the last bit of Jameson pour down my throat, letting the liquid warm my gut.

  There were four girls sitting across the bar. Three of them were blondes with big hair that reminded me of a bird’s nest and one was a statuesque brunette. The dark haired girl caught my eye tonight. I could tell she was the leader. The other girls didn’t quite look her in the eye and moved around her instead of with her. Yeah, the brunette stood out. She had on a casual looking red dress that was way too low cut. Her store bought tits on show, and her hemline just short enough to say, “I’m easy.” This was getting to be just that… too easy. I could spot the gold diggers a mile… hell, a fucking hundred miles away.

  The status hungry whores. The girls who loved my white button up shirts and ties. My Audi RS5, my last name, and the bank account they thought went with it. They loved the bad boy businessman bullshit I had going on, and I let them. I let them think that’s who I was… just so I could show them who they really were — show them just how far they’d go for a piece of what they thought they deserved. These women believed, because they were born to money and privilege, they could treat men like garbage. They wanted the bad boy, but they also wanted the country club, the two point five children, and the white picket fence. All of this, just to leave you high and dry for your business partner buddy who could offer them more. They were whores, and that’s how I treated them.

  I could take every single one of those girls home if I really wanted, but none of them could replace Tiff, not a single one.

  Tiffany and I had such a messed up relationship. I remember meeting her the first time a few years ago at Blue. She was so different than what I had become accustom to. The blonde bombshell shit I generally lost myself in didn’t hold a candle to her, and it freaked me the fuck out. Tiffany was this tiny fighter. This strong, tattooed, doesn’t-give-a-shit-what-you-think-about her kind of girl, and I liked it. She made me laugh, and, besides Lizzie, an old friend of mine, she was the first girl I felt like I could possibly trust. She thought I was a piece of shit back then… well, at least that’s what I had always suspected. Tiffany would watch me go home with these bitches, and her disgust for me grew. Sure, we joked, hung out as friends; she knew my family history for the most part. She was also my best friend Todd’s co-worker. But, not once did I ever think she was interested in me as anything more than just friends.

  If I’m being fair, I wasn’t really either. Why would I let a woman rule my heart? Why would I let them bring me down? My own fucking mother didn’t even give a shit enough about me… or my dad or my little brother to stick around. Why would some chick, someone who had no blood ties, care about me? I’ve watched enough men fall because the love of a woman was all-powerful. Screw that. I took a deep breath and motioned to the bartender for another drink.

  The dark haired girl whispered to one of her little minions. I let my eyes find hers, and a coy smile broke across her face. Checkmate.

  She gently slid her bag over her shoulder, took the last sip of her pink drink, and headed in my direction. The flock of girls with her watched with such respect; it was sad. I suppressed my grimace. What the hell was I doing here; this predictable playbook was getting so old.

  “Hey.” The brunette’s glossy lips split wide across her face.

  I nodded my chin in her direction not offering a smile. I really never needed to pour on the charm; these girls knew what they wanted. “Hey. You ladies having a girl’s night?” The bartender threw down another black, square napkin and a glass full of whiskey. “Can I buy you a drink?”

  “Sure.” She giggled. “I’ll have a Cosmo,” she spoke to the bartender. Her voice was high pitched and overly sweet, the contradiction to how she sounded and how she looked was not lost on me. The girl sounded like she was twelve.

  “You go to the U?” I asked, this time offering a smile. Why the hell not, might as well appear like I’m making an effort.

  She nodded and let her eyes drift over my forearms. “I do. Business major, second year.” She stood taller and rolled her shoulders back with pride. What a joke.

  “Nice, what’s your name, sweetheart?” I brought the amber drink to my lips and watched her over the rim of my glass. She licked her lips, and her breathing picked up. She was hooked. Too easy.

  “Lisa.” Her full lips pulled up into an even bigger smile. I had to admit, she was stunning.

  “Well, Lisa, my name’s Seth… Montgomery.” It wasn’t long before her eyes grew big at the recognition of my last name. My chest grew tight. Just once, I wished my money was a turn off. Just once, I wished they wouldn’t care, that they would prove me wrong… give me back my faith in the ideal that a woman really could just love the man.

  “As in Montgomery and Simmons?” She looked at me like she had just won the grand prize.

  I let the vise on my chest unravel. She was just what I thought… they always were. “Yes, that’s my father’s firm. I work for him and I teach up at the U. Introduction to Music Theory.” The limited space between us started to make me feel claustrophobic. Lisa inclined her body closer to mine, letting her arm rest across the bar top.

  I pushed the sleeves of my navy blue sweater up to my elbows. Her eyes widened again as she took in all the ink. It shouldn’t have surprised her. My hands were tatted and my chest piece always peeked out the top of most of my shirts. Her reaction annoyed me. I was a novelty to her, something to tell her friends about.

  “That’s amazing. My end game is to get an internship there.” She gave me her best flirty smile and let the tips of her fingers trail across my knuckles. “Maybe… maybe one day we’ll work together.” She gave me another flirty
grin and took a sip from her newly poured drink.

  “Maybe.” The small talk made me the angriest. I’d rather her be honest with herself, with me. “So what is it you wanted to chat about, Lisa? I have a feeling you didn’t come over here to talk business.” My hand found purchase on her hip and drew her body closer to mine. She gasped at the bold move. “I have a feeling you know exactly what you want,” the words fell from my mouth in a low whisper. The heat of my breath against her ear caused her skin to pucker. My free hand trailed up her arm.

  A quiet breath escaped from her lips and her eyes closed. She leaned further in expecting a kiss… a kiss she’d never get… never from me. I drew my thumb across her jaw line and wrapped my fingers in her hair, pulling her face just a few inches from mine. “You ready to leave then?”

  She opened her eyes. The dark pupils fully amplified, almost masking the fact she had brown eyes. She nodded once. The blush in her cheeks deepened. “I… I just need to tell my friends.”

  Shit. I forgot about them. The blonde triplets stared at us, all with different expressions ranging from jealousy to admiration. I let both my hands settle on her waist. “Do you live with them?”

  “I do.”

  My arousal was painful, and I realized that no relief would come anytime soon. I had rules. Rule number one: Never bring a woman into my own domain, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to fuck this chick with her roommates there. I was too old for that.

  “That’s too bad.”

  Disappointment washed over her face. Her smile dimming as she spoke. “We could go back to your place?” The palm of her hand snaked up my thigh, just teasing the tip of my dick before she dug her nails into my jeans and dragged them down the surface of my leg.

  “Not happening.” I let my hands fall from her waist.

  The girl’s next move caught me off guard. She leaned in for a kiss; her lips separated, and I turned my cheek in just enough time that her mouth met the side of my face. Rule number two: Never kiss a woman, ever. Kissing gave them a piece of me. It gave them power because it gave them something of me I had never given a girl before, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to give my first kiss to some bar skank.