Your Robot Dog Will Die

by Arin Greenwood

  I was a bridesmaid, standing up on the dais along with Wolf and Jack. The boys wore new Hawaiian shirts. Fiona and Ellie dressed me up in the most outrageously gorgeous turquoise-blue dress I’ve ever seen. It’s not even the kind that can be blow-cleaned. It needs to be washed in real water. Bonnie did my hair in one of her stiff glamour styles. I think it looked okay. Marky Barky told me I looked pretty enough for Hollywood. Wolf took me in his arms and danced me away.

  Before the big event, Dad spent hours in his Parents’ Room coming up with two signature cocktails. The Mai Tail and the Puppy Colada. Both were big hits, if “quite derivative,” Mom teased. There was a light drizzle on the wedding day. We all considered it to be a hugely auspicious sign.

  Dorothy is still here. She lives inside the Ruffuge now. We built her a small house there, with all available comforts. Twice a day, Dog Islanders wearing dog suits come in to bring her food, and tea, and books.

  We’ve been quietly putting out word that she is easing into retirement. That I am taking over as the head of Dog Island, with Wolf and Jack beside me. And I have some new ideas. The drought has ended, and things are starting to bloom.

  EFFECTIVE MAR 1, MECHANICAL TAIL IS BEING PUT TO SLEEP. SORRY TO PUT IT SO BLUNTLY, BUT THEM’S THE FACTS.

  WE MADE YOU ROBOT DOGS. PERFECT ROBOT DOGS. JUST LIKE ORGANICS, BUT BETTER. AND YOU REPAID US BY KILLING US? MAYBE YOU DON’T DESERVE PERFECTION.

  Since we will no longer EXIST, we will no longer be accepting returns on our ROBOT DOG MODELS. However, the GOVERNMENT has declared that they are TOO TOXIC for landfills, so you can’t just THROW AWAY the PERFECT BEINGS that we MADE FOR YOU.

  DOG ISLAND has generously agreed to accept and care for your unwanted robot dogs. Please send them to ROBOT DOG SANCTUARY PLAN, care of DOG ISLAND, DOG ISLAND, FLORIDA 33700. Postage will be covered, if you call ahead. (Robot) Dog be with you.

  acknowledgments

  First and foremost, thank you to my editor, Dan Ehrenhaft, and publisher, Bronwen Hruska—and a million more thank yous again to everyone at Soho Teen, for treating me and my book so well. Thank you, too, to my agent, Emily Sylvan Kim.

  Thank you to my family—the family I was born into and the family I’ve acquired through marriage. Not to get too sappy here, but I love and appreciate you all very, very much. (Hi, Maxxy Danger from your Auntie Arin!)

  With all my heart I want to thank the animal rescuers, the shelter workers, the advocates—the people whose lives are dedicated to helping animals. Your work is so inspiring, and brave, and hard, and important. The world is a better place for animals and people because of what you do.