Holiday Baby

by Jenna Mindel

  Simon didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to.

  She’d lost him. “Have you ever wished with all your might that you could do one thing over? Given one moment in time to repeat something differently.”

  He nodded. “After my mother kicked me out, I was angry and hurt and I never went back. I never checked on my sister or brother until they were taken by child protective services. Even though I took them in, the damage was done. I’d already left them once, so they never trusted me again.”

  “You can’t blame yourself for their choices.”

  He didn’t look like he believed her. “It wasn’t their choice when I left.”

  Just like she’d taken his choice away by not telling him about Opal.

  “When were you going to tell me all this? Any of this?”

  Cat looked down at her clasped hands. He had every right to be angry. “I tried to tell you about Muriel Jensen last night, but then...” She couldn’t bear to revisit the kisses they’d shared. “Opal fussed. She was sick and I didn’t even realize it.”

  “Why didn’t you call me today?”

  The door opened and the doctor came in and introduced himself.

  She and Simon both met him at the end of Opal’s crib and shook the man’s hand. Standing close, they listened as the doctor went over the protocol of treating an infant with a fever-induced seizure.

  “Her bloodwork looks good, but that temp is still higher than I like to see. We’ll keep her tonight as a precaution and see how she does tomorrow.”

  Weak with relief, Cat nearly crumpled, but Simon supported her with a strong arm around her waist. As she listened to the doctor’s encouragement as he stated that he believed Opal’s illness would prove to be a virus, Cat’s eyes blurred.

  “Thank you.” Simon shook the man’s hand again before the doctor left. Then he turned to her. “Have you eaten anything today?”

  Cat tried to remember. She’d had a piece of toast and tea at Simon’s house when she couldn’t find coffee. “Not really, no.”

  “Go eat something. I’ll stay with Opal.” He turned away from her, dismissing her like he’d done that morning when he’d put her on the small plane.

  Cat wanted to reach out to him but caressed her baby’s face instead. Opal looked peaceful, even though her forehead still felt warm. “I have my cell. Call me if she wakes. She hasn’t eaten much today either.”

  “I will.”

  At the door, Cat turned. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you everything sooner.”

  “What did you think I’d do?”

  Cat shrugged, unable to speak through the tightness in her throat. She had feared it would push him away from her—like it had now.

  “I don’t know what to tell you,” she whispered.

  He looked through her. “Go eat, Cat.”

  She stepped out of the hospital room, knowing she’d lost something precious. She’d lost Simon’s regard, his trust. There was no way she’d gain his love, not now that he knew the terrible things she’d done.

  Cat texted her mother the results from the bloodwork before making her way down the hall. She spotted her brother in the waiting room, watching the evening news. “You’re still here?”

  “Yeah, how is she?” He opened his arms.

  She went right into them, welcoming the bear hug. “The doctor thinks it’s a virus, since her bloodwork came back good, but the fever’s still there, so he’d like her to stay overnight and we’ll see tomorrow.”

  “That’s good. You’re staying here too, then?”

  Cat nodded. “Mom’s getting my stuff and coming back with Dad. You don’t have to stay.”

  “How’s Simon?”

  Cat shrugged. “He’s with Opal.”

  “I’ll peek in before leaving.”

  “Thank you.” Cat’s eyes burned. “For being a friend to him.”

  “Sure thing.” Zach looked concerned. “You guys okay?”

  “I don’t think so.” Cat gave her brother a weak smile and left before she broke down and cried.

  She should have trusted Simon with the truth earlier. She should have trusted him long ago by telling him when she’d found out she was pregnant.

  In the cafeteria, Cat ordered a turkey club and a glass of milk. She might not be hungry, but she’d eat. For Opal’s sake, she had to relax somehow so she’d be able to feed her daughter when she awoke. Opal still didn’t take a bottle well.

  Gazing out over the view of Lake Michigan and the lights of Maple Springs shining from across the bay, Cat considered her prayer. God was healing Opal. She’d made a deal. He was delivering on His end. Maybe losing Simon was part of that deal. A deal she had to accept.

  “Cat?”

  She looked up into Sue Jensen’s anxious face. What was she doing here?

  “How is Opal?”

  “Better. The doctor thinks it’s viral.”

  “Good. I’m on the church prayer chain. I thought I’d come to the cafeteria to see if you came down, in case you needed a little extra support.”

  That was kind of her. Beyond kind, maybe, but really, why?

  Cat stood. She’d wrap up her food and take it with her. “I should get back to her.”

  Sue touched her arm, her expression tense and uncertain but filled with compassion. “You’ve got to let Muriel go.”

  “I can’t.” Tears filled Cat’s eyes. “It was my fault.”

  Sue grabbed both her hands. “I should have warned you that I’d caught her sneaking out onto the dock that very morning, but we were in a hurry to leave that day and I failed to mention it.”

  Cat pulled her hands back. She’d heard Sue say this before, but something in her tone right now made Cat pause. She’d heard the desperation in Sue’s voice before, but not the self-incrimination. It hadn’t mattered because Cat had been the one at fault. No matter what Sue said, she should have known better.

  “You can live without the guilt,” Sue said softly.

  Cat sat back down. “How?”

  Sue sat right next to her. “Give it to God.”

  Talk about cliché. Cat ran her hand over her forehead. “I’ve tried. It hasn’t worked.”

  “You have to believe He’ll take it, Cat. Give your guilt to God before it gets in the way of how you treat Opal.”

  Hours ago, she’d offered to leave Opal because she couldn’t handle the thought of losing her or causing her harm.

  “You’ve been heavy on my heart for weeks,” Sue continued. “Even before you came home. You’re a mom now and it’s a frightening job, but if you let fear rule, it won’t be good for you or her. Or your fellow, Simon.”

  “Simon?” Cat recalled the angry look on his face. She’d already done the damage there.

  “I’ve seen you with your daughter, Cat. You’re a good mother. You were a good babysitter too. The best I ever had. What happened was a horrible accident. Don’t punish your daughter or Simon by emotionally whipping yourself. God doesn’t seek your punishment, He seeks your trust. Accept His grace, His forgiveness, and allow yourself to forgive you.”

  Tears ran down Cat’s face as those words finally sank in with a different clarity than before. For years, she’d expected punishment from God and she’d run from Him.

  When she’d found out she was pregnant, she’d feared God’s justice even more. She’d offered herself up to God as payment, praying that he’d keep Opal safe, as if making some kind of deal would work. When had she ever truly trusted God’s love or His grace without trying to turn it into a bargain? She’d muddled through by her own merit, on her own strength, her own will.

  Not my will but Thine.

  “But it still hurts,” Cat whispered.

  “It does. The hurt remains, but God will be there in the pain. Use it to draw closer to Him. Rely on Him, Cat. It’s the only way to truly
live again.”

  “But I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve forgiveness.”

  Sue gathered up her hands again and squeezed. “None of us do and yet God sent His son to die on the cross, taking on all our sins. Refusing to accept your own forgiveness is like slapping what He did down as unnecessary.”

  Cat hadn’t considered it that way. She’d never truly surrendered her life or her heart. She’d held back. “I want to forgive.”

  “Then let’s do it. Now.” Sue grabbed her hands, bowed her head and prayed.

  Cat prayed with her. Instead of begging or making promises or deals, Cat simply asked. She envisioned her guilt on a silver platter and offered it to God, trusting that He’d finally take it from her because, this time, she’d let go.

  Tears streamed down her face as she hugged Sue Jensen, a woman she’d be wise to learn more from. “Thank you.”

  Sue returned her embrace. “Eat now, regain your strength and then go to Opal. We’ll see each other again soon. Okay?”

  “I’d like that.” Cat sniffed as she gave Sue’s hand one last squeeze. “Thank you for coming here, for helping.”

  Sue nodded, her eyes shiny. “We can help each other.”

  Cat watched the woman leave and then focused on her plate. She ate everything because it was something she had to do for her daughter’s sake. Refusing to revisit the guilt so soon after she’d given it away was also something she’d do for Opal.

  And Simon.

  She balled her hands into fists. Whether or not they had a future would not stop her from working with him to be good parents. From here on out, she’d be honest with him. Upfront. Unafraid.

  Walking back to Opal’s room, Cat experienced a renewed sense of peace. She was forgiven. It was time to not only accept that, but live as if she truly believed it. With God’s grace, she had hope for the future. One where she’d have joy, even carrying the pain of her past.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Opal woke up with a start and her little body jerked.

  “Hey, Princess.” Simon caressed his daughter’s cheek. She still felt warm to the touch, but not overly so. He’d have never guessed she had a fever.

  She looked at him, wide-eyed, scrunched up her face and cried. She howled like she had that first time he’d held her.

  He ignored sudden panic and picked her up, taking care not to dislodge the sock covering the tiny IV in her left hand.

  She quieted somewhat, rubbed her face into his shoulder and then cried some more, only louder.

  The door opened and Cat rushed inside. “Is she okay?”

  “She wants you.” Simon carefully handed the baby over but remained close, making sure the IV tube reached. It did.

  “I’m here, Opal. Mommy will always be here for you.” Cat cuddled their daughter. Then she looked at him, expectantly, as if asking whether or not he’d be here for Opal too.

  Simon didn’t want to make the same mistakes with his daughter that he’d made with his siblings. How was he supposed to avoid that? He’d thought getting close to people was the problem—but perhaps he’d created more problems by pushing people away.

  Opal quieted and rubbed her face against Cat.

  “She’s hungry. Will you hand me the diaper bag?”

  He handed over the diaper bag and then backed away as Opal let loose another impatient howl. That had to be a good sign that she felt better.

  Cat covered herself and the baby with the small fleece blanket. “Simon?”

  At the door he turned. “Yes?”

  “I’m sorry for not calling you about Opal. I should have called you on the way to the ER.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I was a little crazy and afraid you’d blame me.”

  The truth in her eyes hit him hard. “What have I done to make you fear my reaction?”

  She shook her head. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

  Simon nodded, finally understanding. It had been her hang-ups making that decision. He exited the room and nearly ran into a nurse. “Ah, she’s feeding the baby now.”

  “That’s wonderful news.” The nurse smiled. “I’m going in to check her vitals.”

  Simon waited in the hall. Slamming his hands into the deep pockets of the khakis he wore, he closed his eyes. He didn’t know what to pray, so he merely whispered, “God, you know what we need. What I need.”

  Seconds turned into minutes and still the nurse hadn’t exited the room. Antsy to get back in there, Simon opened his eyes and stared at the wall across from him.

  Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it.

  The scripture passage came to mind once again, hauntingly so. He’d tried to make it fit what he wanted to do, but he’d never been fully satisfied with that explanation. He still wanted to gem hunt, it was part of what he did for a living, but that was not what the passage had meant.

  He flushed as if he might pass out, but he wasn’t light-headed and this had nothing to do with dizziness. Simon was hearing from God, deep in his spirit, and he finally understood the text. Simon had spent most of his adult life trying to protect himself from emotional hurt. Closing himself off was no way to live.

  Cat had let him down. No, more than that, she’d betrayed him by keeping Opal a secret. And then she’d deeply hurt him by not turning to him when Opal was sick. He’d felt rejection like nothing he’d ever experienced before.

  She’d called her mom instead of him—should he really hold that against her? He shouldn’t. It was not reason enough to keep from forgiving her.

  Loving Cat meant losing his life a little, day by day. Year by year. Preserving his life meant living for more than himself.

  “Everything okay?” Andy Zelinsky laid a hand on his arm.

  Simon nearly jumped. He looked into the concerned face of Cat’s parents. “She’s feeding the baby and the nurse is in there now.”

  Helen didn’t wait and entered the room without a word.

  Andy nodded. “Have you eaten dinner?”

  Why did everyone worry about food at times like these? Simon shook his head. “No.”

  “We can hit the cafeteria after you hear.” Cat’s father leaned against the wall and waited with him.

  After a few minutes, he added, “These things never get easy, waiting out a child’s illness.”

  Simon looked at him. “How’d you manage ten kids? Did anyone ever get hurt?”

  Andy laughed. “Of course they did. We’ve seen our share of broken bones and stitches. Cat suffered a concussion from falling out of a tree when she was ten.”

  “Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.” Simon smiled at the thought of a ten-year-old Cat climbing trees. She’d been an adventurer even then.

  “A parent’s concern doesn’t stop once their kids are grown either. It was difficult every time Zach was deployed. Helen and I worried when Cat traveled to all those remote places. Matthew’s time off for Christmas has been delayed yet another week. He’s out on the Great Lakes right now and has seen some terrible weather.”

  Simon thought about Cat’s fears and realized they were not so crazy. “How do you stand it?”

  Andy smiled. “Like I said at breakfast, you pray for them daily, but ultimately you hand them over to God. No matter what happens in life, God is God and He’ll be with you in good times and bad. You’re never alone.”

  Simon read the deep conviction in the man’s eyes and knew he didn’t speak lightly. Grateful for Andy’s wisdom and his presence, Simon waited alongside him, and when the door finally opened and the nurse exited with a smile, Simon let out a deep breath.

  “Go on in,” Andy told him. “I’ll wait for you here.”

  “Thanks, Andy. For everything.” Simon stepped back into Opal’s room and his gaze immediately sought Cat’s.
r />   She held Opal in her arms.

  “How is she?”

  “Much better. Her temp is normal. And her vitals are all good. She ate well too.”

  Words escaped him, so he nodded.

  “I’ll let Andy know,” Helen whispered and left.

  Simon hadn’t looked away from Cat, but still he had no words. He had to forgive her and move on.

  “The nurse said the doctor will come back in the morning and, as long as she continues to improve, we should be good to go home.”

  Home.

  The desire to have Cat and Opal home with him hit hard. To really have life, he’d need to give his away. “That’s good.”

  Cat gazed at Opal another moment before looking back at him. “Are you okay?”

  “Better now, I think.” There was so much to say, but he didn’t know where to start. For now, he simply wanted to hold Cat, which wouldn’t be easy when she sat in a hospital chair, careful to keep Opal’s left hand free.

  “You should go with my parents to the cafeteria and eat something. You look terrible.”

  He took a few steps until he crouched before her. “Are you okay?”

  “Better now, I think.” She copied his words.

  He laughed softly. “Because the fever’s gone?”

  “That and I talked to Sue Jensen when I was in the cafeteria. She heard about Opal from the church prayer line and so she came looking for me.”

  “That’s how I found out about Opal. And then your mom called.”

  Cat touched his arm. “Simon, I’m sorry.”

  He covered her hand with his. He chose to forgive. “Me too, Catherine.”

  Her fingers dug deep. “She told me to give my guilt to God. The only way to live with such regret is to trust that God can make things right in my soul.”

  Simon felt those words fit for him too. “Are we going to do that, then? Trust Him?”

  “I want to.”

  “I want us both to be whole.” There were things he needed to know, things they needed to say, but not now. For now, he’d let them go. He’d believe Sue Jensen’s words and trust that God could make things right.