“Don’t you have something to put on?”
“That’s what caught on fire.” He smiled sheepishly. “I guess the lesson today is to accept my vulnerability.”
That word struck me as we hurried out of the room. It was the second time someone had mentioned it to me. As I stood beside him and watched the firefighters march inside, I felt grateful not to be the one wearing a towel. Then I glanced down at my shirt. My white thin shirt. I could clearly see my bra—and more—through it.
I ducked behind the man who was covering himself with only a towel. Somehow I felt more exposed than he was.
Maybe that was the problem.
I had been through circumstances where I’d been exposed physically due to an accident or other issues, but I’d never willingly exposed myself. Even with Max, we were taking things very slow physically. But it wasn’t just about my physical body. It was also about my heart. I hadn’t exposed that either.
I decided in that moment that I was going to try to be more vulnerable.
Making the choice to be more vulnerable opened up an entire new world to me.
Lately, I’d been using all of my energy to prevent myself from being vulnerable. I did what I could to keep from ever leaving myself open to being hurt.
Now I knew that if I wanted to find a way to trust Max, I was going to have to take a risk and expose myself in ways I never considered possible.
My fingers flew across the keys, not limited by my insecurities attempting to tuck myself safely away from the words I was writing.
By the time I curled up in bed I’d gotten more work done in a few hours than I had all week. I even fell asleep without having to convince my mind to slow down.
Chapter 22
Before I knew it the alarm clock beside my bed was buzzing. I was reluctant to wake up. Since becoming a writer, I’d let myself sleep and wake when I pleased. An alarm had become a relic of my life as a working stiff. But I’d set it to make sure that I woke up in time for my surfing lesson with Max.
I pulled myself out of bed and half-stumbled into the bathroom after putting my bathing suit on.
All that I’d discovered about vulnerability went right out the window when I looked at myself in the mirror. The thought of Max seeing me in my bathing suit made me cringe. I grabbed a large white nightgown that I’d kept from my larger days. I pulled it on and was satisfied to see that it covered every inch of me. Maybe being exposed was supposed to help me learn to trust, but I wasn’t ready for that exposure to take place in a bathing suit.
I heard a sharp knock on the door and knew that it was Max. I rushed to let him in.
Seeing Max standing there was like taking a breath for the first time.
“What are you wearing?” Max did his best to smile but his eyebrow was still raised.
“It’s just a cover-up. So I don’t get cold on the way.”
“I see.” He tilted his head to the side. “I don’t think you’re in any danger of freezing.” He held his hand out to me. “It’s good to see you. I missed you.”
My heart melted at his words. I hugged him and breathed in the scent of his cologne. It hit me then that I had missed him too. I might have been trying to find myself, but Max was a part of all parts of me. I held him so tight that he must have noticed.
“As much as I’m enjoying this, we’re going to miss our lesson if we don’t get going. It seemed important to you when you suggested it.”
“You’re right.” I took one more deep breath of his scent and then pulled away from him.
“You okay, sweetheart?”
“I am.”
“You would tell me if you weren’t?”
“Sure.”
He shook his head but he didn’t question me any further. He held the door open for me.
Max’s car was always one of my favorite places to be. I had yet to figure out why. Maybe it was that his radio always seemed to be playing a good song. Or maybe it was because he’d kept the same brand of vanilla air freshener in it since we were in college. I always associated it with a fun place to be. That morning was no different.
“I’m really glad you planned this. We haven’t been out on many adventures together lately.”
I smiled. “I love getting to spend time with you.”
“Do you?” He stared through the windshield.
“What do you mean? Of course I do.”
“I mean, if you think I’m holding you back from success, all you have to do is tell me.”
“Oh, Max, I don’t think that at all. I just needed to refocus.”
“On something other than me.” He laughed a little. “I can see why you would need to do that.” He turned in to the parking lot beside the beach.
“It’s not like that at all, Max, I promise.”
He frowned and turned off the car. Then he looked over at me. “Sammy, I get that we’re separate people, we’re going to have separate emotions, and that sometimes you’re going to need some space. I just want to know what’s going on in your head, that’s all. Okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded. I almost told him the truth, but I still couldn’t bring myself to do it.
We walked down toward the water. The morning air was warm already. Max headed straight for the edge of the water.
“Are you going to take that off?” He sunk his feet into the shallow water.
“I don’t know. It’s pretty sunny. Maybe I should just leave it on.” I kicked my feet through the sand.
“Sammy.” Max’s hands seized my hips. “The only reason I got up this early with a smile on my face was because I knew I would get the chance to see you in a swimsuit.”
“Oh, please.” I rolled my eyes.
He tightened his grip on my hips. “What?”
“Oh, Max, you don’t have to pretend that you find my body appealing in a swimsuit.” I shook my head.
“Samantha!” He sighed and tugged me close to him. “Is that what this cover-up is all about? Do you think I don’t adore every inch of you? I mean, seriously, Sammy, what have we been doing for a year if you really don’t think I find you attractive?”
“I just feel uncomfortable in only a swimsuit.”
“You should never feel uncomfortable around me, Sammy. I adore you. You’re gorgeous.”
“I’d be gorgeous if I was a size two.” I started to turn away from him.
He turned me back toward him by pivoting my hips.
“That’s true, you would be. You would also be gorgeous at a size twenty-eight—just like you’re gorgeous now.” He sighed with frustration. “I don’t understand why that’s so hard for you to believe.”
“You forget, Max. I’ve seen the women that you’ve dated. None of them were my size—not even Stephanie.”
“You’re bringing up Stephanie now?” Max’s eyes narrowed. “Fine, you saw the women I dated. I saw the men you dated. None of them looked just like me. So what? Were you not attracted to any of them?”
I frowned. He had a point. It always aggravated me when he had a point. “It’s not the same and you know it.”
“Why? Because you’ve decided that I can’t possibly be attracted to you? Is that what you really believe, Sammy?” He lifted his hands from my hips to my waist and, as if he could see the hesitation in my eyes, he shook his head. “No, I want a real answer this time. Is that what’s been going on with you? You think I’m not attracted to you? Because we both agreed to take things slow, and I’ve tried to be respectful of that.”
“I know. No, it’s not what I believe.”
“Then prove it.”
“How?”
“Take it off. Right now. I want to see your beautiful body. That’s why I skipped my coffee this morning.”
Chapter 23
I laughed, but Max’s expression was stern. I could tell that he wanted me to do what he asked. I just wasn’t sure if I could bring myself to do it. There were joggers on the beach. Not to mention the surf instructor, who was heading toward us. He looked like h
e had never eaten a carb in his life, or met a weight he couldn’t lift. Yet Max wanted me to pull the cover-up off in front of him and all these other people?
“Maybe we should just go. This was a bad idea.”
“No. Sammy, you just told me that you believed I was attracted to you. Don’t you know how proud I am to be with you? Don’t you think I want to show you off now and then? I mean, I know that’s a chauvinistic thing to say, but it’s the truth. Don’t you believe that?”
I lowered my eyes. I absolutely did not believe it. Most of the time I figured that Max just loved my personality so much that he could overlook my body. The idea of his wanting to show me off never even crossed my mind.
“Please, Sammy. After all the hard work you’ve done, you should be so proud of yourself. I loved you a bucket list ago, I love you just as much now. But I feel like you’re hiding yourself from me.”
I looked out at the swimmers in the water, then back at Max. To him, it was a simple thing that he was asking from me, but for me, it was akin to moving a mountain. He was right, though. I had worked very hard on building my confidence. A few months before, I would have already been playing in the water with him. But since he hadn’t proposed, all of my insecurities had come back up.
“I’m not hiding.” I looked into his eyes. “I love you, Max.”
“Then take this off.” He grabbed the hem of the cover-up, but he didn’t lift it. Instead, he took my hand and guided it to the hem. “I’m not going to watch you hide yourself when you should be proud of your beauty. Plus, I was looking forward to putting sunscreen on your back.”
I had to laugh a little at his crooked smile. Max always knew how to break the tension for me and put me at ease. I took a deep breath of the sea air. I remembered that in order to trust, I was going to have to be vulnerable.
I tugged the hem of the cover-up up along my body and started to tug it off. At least I tried to. I couldn’t quite get it past my shoulders, and had somehow gotten my elbows wedged in. As I wiggled in an attempt to free myself I heard Max trying not to laugh. Then I felt his hands freeing me from my cover-up cocoon. When he finally got it off, he tossed it into the sand.
“Beautiful.” He smiled at me. I noticed that he took the time to appreciate every aspect of my figure. I’d have thought I would be mortified by his looking so intently at me. Instead, I felt like a work of art. He looked at me with such love in his eyes, that I remembered it was possible to love my body exactly the way it was.
“You two ready to head out?”
The surf instructor had walked up, and I hadn’t even noticed him. The joggers still jogged. The swimmers still swam. But I didn’t care. Max looked at me with so much affection that I wondered if he might try to cancel the lesson after all.
“We’re ready.” Max took my hand in his. “We just need a minute to apply sunscreen.”
The instant Max started rubbing sunscreen on to my back, all of my regret about taking my cover-up off vanished. He massaged my shoulders a little when he was finished.
“I think I did a good job.”
“My turn?” I grabbed the tube from him.
“Oh yeah, slather it on. I’ve been stuck in the office way too long. I don’t want to get crispy.”
I savored the opportunity to apply sunscreen to Max. He had a bunch of little freckles along his shoulder blades. I’d seen him shirtless plenty of times. He always kept himself fit, but I didn’t care about that. My favorite part of his body were those little freckles. I lost myself in the sweeping motion as I coated his back.
“Guys, we only have an hour!”
The instructor’s voice jolted me out of the relaxed state I’d settled into.
“Don’t stop.” Max glanced over his shoulder at me.
“Max, we have the class.”
“Ah, fine.” He sighed.
I kissed his cheek. I didn’t even care that he tasted like sunscreen. I was certain that our day together was going to be magical.
The instructor took some time with us to teach us about the board. On the sand he showed us how we should climb on the board and how to stand up.
“You guys have this. Why don’t you take one out on the water and you can take turns practicing?”
I was looking forward to getting in the water. I was already covered in sand and, although my swimsuit still fit well, it was starting to chaff in unexpected places.
Max picked up one of the boards and waded into the water. I followed close behind him.
“Go right past the breakers, no further. I will have my eye on you.”
“I don’t know about this.” Max laughed. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to get up on this thing.”
“Sure you will.” I steadied the board. “I’m here to help.”
“Great.”
Chapter 24
Max hopped up onto the surfboard. It was slippery and he slid right off the other side.
“Max, are you okay?” I tried not to laugh.
He came sputtering to the surface. “I think so. Oh, you think it’s funny?”
“No!” I giggled.
“Okay, your turn.” He held the board as I tried to climb on. With all of the sunscreen I’d applied, I was quite slippery. I slipped and slid all over the board but managed to hold on. I tried to get to my feet.
“You’re doing it! You’re doing it!” Max grinned.
I was doing it. I really was. Until a wave broke over the board and washed me right off it. I flipped under the water and couldn’t tell if I was upright or upside down. I felt around for the board—for anything to pull me up out of the water. Max grabbed me by the arm and pulled me up.
“Are you okay?”
I gasped for air. My eyes burned from the salt water. It had been terrifying to feel like I would never find the surface. I clung to Max tightly. He held me in his arms and I felt how fast his heart was pounding. I knew then that he had been as frightened as I was.
“Maybe no more surfing?”
“No more surfing.” I nodded against his chest.
He plucked the surfboard out of the water and tucked it under his arm. He kept his other arm around me as we made our way to the shore. The instructor, who had promised to have his eye on me, was busy flirting with a jogger.
“Are you guys done?”
“Yes.” Max and I answered at the same time.
“That was quite an adventure.” Max led me to the car. He pulled out a couple of towels from the trunk and handed me one.
As I dried off I thought about putting my cover-up back on, but I decided against it. I felt comfortable around Max again. He had proven yet again that I could trust him with my life—but I still wasn’t sure about my heart.
“You doing okay? That was pretty scary.” He rubbed the towel along my arms to warm me up.
“I’m okay. Good thing you were there.”
“I will always be here.” He hugged me. “I love you.”
I willed myself to believe him. I wanted to feel that trust for him in the core of me. All I could think was—Until you get bored, until you get tired of me, until you find someone pretty and younger.
“Sammy?” He rested his forehead against mine. “You’re not going to break my heart, are you?”
The question startled me right out of the parade of insults in my mind. Did Max really think I was capable of breaking his heart? Did he really think I would ever want anyone other than him?
“Max, why would you ask me that?”
He frowned and pulled away so that he could look into my eyes. “I know that you’ve watched me go through relationships like I was changing clothes. I know that in the past I acted like I would never fall in love. To be honest with you, I’ve never been this vulnerable before. I cared about the women I was with, but I wasn’t in love with them. I’m in love with you. I also know you. I don’t know why, but I know that you’re holding back. I’m just telling you now, if this isn’t what you want, be honest with me. Let me know now. Okay?”
>
My heart lurched with every word he spoke. Had I been so caught up in my own insecurities that I was completely blind to the fact that Max had plenty of his own? I was horrified that he would even question my love for him. That was when the sick feeling hit the pit of my stomach as I realized that I was doing the same to him.
“I’m not going to break your heart, Max. I promise.”
“I believe you.” He smiled just enough to put me at ease. Then he took both of my hands in his. “I’m not going to break your heart either. Do you believe me, Sammy?”
I parted my lips to answer, but he shook his head.
“Don’t. The answer doesn’t matter to me as much as it does to you. I want you to know the answer.”
“Max, it’s been an amazing year.”
“First of many, right?”
“Right.” I kissed him.
As we drove back toward the apartment Max glanced over at me. “Do you want to check out that new movie you wanted to see? I’m free all day.”
“No, I can’t. I’ve got to get some work done.”
“But you’ve been working.” He stared out through the windshield. “I thought maybe we’d have some time to spend together today.”
“I’m sorry, Max—it’s just that I got stuck on this one chapter and I can’t seem to move forward from it. I really need to just dig into it and see if I can make some real progress.”
“Okay. You know I support your writing, but is there going to be some time for us to get together soon?”
“Sure, of course there will be. You’re busy, I’m busy.” I shrugged.
He looked over at me. Then he turned into the parking lot of my apartment building. I thought he had dropped the subject. Until he parked the car and looked over at me again.
“I’m not too busy to make time for you, Sammy. I’m telling you, I’d like to see you. Some time soon. Okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded. I wanted to tell him to come in and spend the day with me—that we should go to the movies, or just hang out. But I didn’t. Because the question he asked me was still rolling around in my head. I was afraid that he was going to ask me again.
“So you’ll text me?”
“Yes.”
“Promise?”
Single Wide Female in Love Complete Bundle: Books 1-4 Page 17