One Percent of You

by Michelle Gross

  Ma would have kicked my ass if she knew I’d abandoned a woman in need. Honestly, my mother would kick it over a lot of the shit I did.

  That was the reason I kept thinking about the two of them… I guessed it was three now?

  Maybe I’d ask her how giving birth and all that went when I saw her again.

  _____

  Turned out, not seeing them would be the new way things would go for weeks. I went from seeing them almost every night to not seeing them at all. I saw her car in the lot every evening, and sometimes it was gone in the mornings. Maybe she had a new shift, or maybe she was on maternity leave.

  How long did that last?

  And what the fuck was wrong with me?

  After the fourth week of not seeing them, I told myself to stop looking for them. Just stop, man, stop.

  I supposed this was what we both wanted. It definitely was what Hadley wanted—not to see me again. Good riddance was what I should say. Not to have to hold my tongue around the kid again.

  So, what did I do? I returned to normal.

  Not that I was ever not normal.

  Chapter Ten

  Hadley

  “God bless America, he stinks!” Lucy pinched her nose and scowled at her brother like he was an abomination. Eli’s response was to kick up his feet, blowing tiny spit bubbles.

  I grinned as I picked him up from the bassinet in the living room. “Your poop doesn’t smell like roses,” I informed her.

  “I poop in the potty though. I’m better than Bubby, ain’t I, Mommy?”

  Oh, dear God.

  This was the way it’d been since I brought Eli home. Lucy didn’t like sharing my attention. “Do you want to help me change him?” I asked her. She scrunched up her nose and jumped away from the sofa as I sat down with Eli. “I did this with you too. When Eli gets old enough, he’ll use the potty too.”

  She shrugged. “Will you play ponies with me?”

  “Yeah, go get them.” She ran to her bedroom. The apartment only had two bedrooms, so Eli’s crib was in my bedroom. Not that I was comfortable enough to put him in a different room, anyway. Lucy might sleep in her room one or two nights out of the week. And often she found her way in bed with me.

  I threw Eli’s diaper away and washed my hands, and then, he got fussy. It was like clockwork. Eli always wanted a boob every three hours. I also used a pump. Five weeks in, and my nipples were constantly hard and tender. Hopefully, in another week or so, they would be tougher because the cream I rubbed on them didn’t help much. I couldn’t remember how long it had taken with Lucy, but I swore it didn’t seem this long. I tried to feed Eli just as much with a bottle as I did a breast since Mom would keep him the nights I worked like she did Lucy.

  Scott was annoying me to death since Eli was born. I let him sleep on the chair the last night at the hospital only because he put the idea in Lucy’s head. He’d used the opportunity to play nice, constantly asking if I needed this or that. I didn’t fall prey even if it had felt a little decent. Hey, I was only human, and I still wanted affection sometimes. No, I wouldn’t take him back. I simply realized that I hadn’t died on the inside.

  His family drove me crazy too. All I heard from them at the hospital was, You guys are a family, you need to be together. They never missed a chance to say, Scott never sees Lucy. It’ll be the same with Eli. It didn’t matter that it was Scott’s fault, not mine. Of course, they didn’t hesitate with, Everyone makes mistakes. You need to let it go.

  Family this. Family that. They thought I should forgive him and move on, but I couldn’t do it. My family was one-hundred-percent on my side when it came to Scott. They didn’t want me with him. It might be harsh, but they wouldn’t care if he weren’t in my kids’ lives. Olivia’s friend had gotten pregnant in high school, and I could remember how her parents had encouraged her to give her baby’s father another chance after whatever it was he did. Years later and more kids, he broke her all over again. Not everyone was lucky enough to have parents like mine that were so willing to help or even want to, but I could say with complete certainty that mine was looking out for my happiness.

  They thought I could do better. I spent years with Scott thinking they were wrong until he proved how right they were. Did I really want to be with someone that I’d never be able to trust again just to please his family?

  No!

  Thank fudge I didn’t have to see them a lot. They were quick to criticize, but none of them ever came around even when Scott and I were together. I just had to accept that they would always drag my name through the sewer.

  “God bless America.” I raised my head in time to see Lucy smacking her palm to her forehead. “Why is Bubby always so hungry?”

  I glanced down at where Eli nestled against my right boob sucking. “I thought we were playing ponies?” I asked her.

  She tossed her hands up dramatically. “He’s making me remember my tummy growled earlier.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “What do you want to eat?”

  “Can it be something other than pizza?” Lucy knew that were only two things in our house—pizza and cheap snacks. It wouldn’t be for much longer. Soon, I’d buy enough to cram our refrigerator full of all of her favorites. “Want to go to Mamaw’s?”

  “Yes!”

  “Here. Call and tell her to make us some food, and we’ll come to see her.” I grabbed my cell phone off of the coffee table, dialed her number, and handed it to Lucy.

  My kid had my parents wrapped around her finger better than I ever could. Thirty minutes later we were heading out the door—it took that long to get Lucy and Eli ready, not to mention myself. I settled for a pair of jeans I hadn’t worn since before I’d gotten pregnant and a T-shirt that fit too snugly over my engorged breasts. God Bless America—these babies were huge even with a nursing bra on. I wasn’t really going to miss them when they went back to normal… If they went back to normal. Could my breasts stay perky much longer? They were doing okay, but I wasn’t feeling confident. My breasts were enormous this time around.

  Stop.

  It didn’t matter what became of my once perfect breasts. I had Eli and Lucy—they were worth it. Even if my boobs never appealed to a guy again.

  Carrying Eli in his car seat, I made sure Lucy walked in front of me instead of beside me so that neither of us tripped down the stairs. “Looking good, mama,” one of the young boys yelled as we descended the last step. He couldn’t have been more than fourteen yet that didn’t stop him from hooting and hollering at me every time they saw me. He ogled my chest. “Wow, really nice.”

  “Shouldn’t you be in school?” I asked. It was a weekday in April. It wasn’t even noon, but there he was with two other school-age boys.

  “I go when I wanna go,” he said it like he was so proud.

  “Look, Mom.” Lucy pointed toward our neighbor’s yard. Sure enough, there he was stepping out of his house and locking it. “It’s…uh…”

  “Elijah,” I told her.

  “Elijah.” She probably caught herself from saying demon or something. Anything was possible with my kid.

  “Stop pointing.”

  Now that I thought about it, this was usually around the time he left every day. I didn’t know what he did or if he even had a job, but he drove off at the same time, somewhere between eleven and twelve. I knew because I spent the last five weeks spying down at everyone from my window when we weren’t at my parents’.

  Elijah must have a job though. He could afford a house and nice truck yet he wore casual clothes out all the time. Dark jeans and plain T-shirts ranging from solid colors to morbid things like demons and skulls. It was kind of odd, more scary than strange though. It matched the permanent arch of his brows and angry glint in his eyes far too well. Sometimes he wore brown boots, other times he wore dark Nikes.

  I’d had a lot of days to ogle him.

  A few days after I’d come home, I thought about saying thanks, but I was pretty sure I did in the car that night. I figu
red he’d rather we leave him alone. That was perfectly okay with me. I still hadn’t forgotten how he treated Lucy, but he came in handy that night.

  I shuddered to think about what might have happened if I tried getting to the hospital myself or waited any longer for my parents.

  “Uh... He sees me.” Lucy squeaked. I glanced up. Sure enough, Elijah was headed directly toward us. “Does he want his chips back? I already ate them all.”

  “What?” Now I was the one squeaking as I frowned at my daughter.

  “Papaw let me have them,” she told me.

  Of course, Elijah would have thrown the bag in the car when he had gotten inside that night. I hadn’t really paid attention. “I already ate them!” Lucy told him as he drew near. He paused, cocked his head at her, and then resumed his long strides toward us. He was a foot in front of me when he glimpsed down at the car seat in my hand. His eyes raked over me slowly, lingering for a moment on my chest before moving over the rest of my body. How dare he check me out in broad daylight? He could have at least offered a proper greeting first.

  My face was on fire. No doubt, it was redder than the T-shirt Lucy wore. It only got worse when I saw the moment his gazed stayed on my breasts. His dark predatory eyes widened.

  I couldn’t take it another second.

  “Oh, my fudgesicle! What do you think you’re doing now?”

  Elijah blinked, then blinked again. “Huh?”

  Are you kidding me? Did he really zone out while ogling my boobs?

  “You’re staring…again.” I didn’t mention the inappropriateness of his actions. He should have known better. I switched Eli’s car seat to my other hand as it got too heavy.

  “Sorry.” He grabbed the tips of his hair that fell over his forehead before pinching the bridge of his nose. “I saw you guys and thought I’d check to see how you are.”

  Really?

  “Why?” My spine stiffened as I sized him up, trying to decipher his intention.

  “That was scary as fuck. I thought you would have the baby in the car.” He peeked into the car seat again. “Is it okay?”

  “It?” Deep breath, Hadley. “Eli’s a boy, and he’s perfectly healthy.”

  “Yeah, that’s good.” He paused. “Wait? Eli? Good name.” He better not be thinking his name was similar to Eli’s. I meant, it was but… I’m sorry Eli, I didn’t want to change your name even after finding out yours was similar to the neighbor’s. Besides, Olivia already had his name embroidered on so many onesies.

  “Thanks,” I told him.

  Elijah grabbed his head like he was unsure—or completely confused about something before he took a step back. “Then I’ll be going.” He shook his head again as he turned around.

  His head snapped to the right where the boys were. “What?” one of them snapped at Elijah’s menacing glare.

  “Better not be causing trouble,” Elijah warned them.

  “We’re not on your property are we?” The boy hissed.

  “That’s not what I was referring to.”

  Elijah walked away, and then I groaned and said, “Thanks.” He looked over his shoulder. “You know, for driving me that night.”

  “No problem.” He waved it off.

  “Did you have trouble getting home?” I asked.

  Another head shake. “Nah. I called someone to pick me up.”

  I nodded. “Good.”

  “See ya.”

  See ya?

  See ya?

  Why would he say that? See you in passing? Of course, that was what he meant, but it was still weird. Almost friendly.

  “Can I have more chips?” Lucy called out.

  “Lucy!” I shouted. “You can’t ask that.”

  To my surprise, he only said, “Bye, kid,” and headed toward his truck.

  No harsh comment to or about Lucy. Maybe he meant it when he said he felt bad.

  ______

  Sadly, it was time for me to go back to the real world. I’d spent the last six weeks with Lucy and Eli so I wasn’t excited to head back to the nursing home even though we needed the cash. I was almost broke and by the end of my first week, I dreaded the idea that I might have to ask Dad for help to get food until payday. I hated asking anyone for anything. I never did. That was what I had my credit card for. Besides, it was enough that they helped me with Lucy and now Eli while I finished up my last semester of the nursing program and worked.

  The only time I hadn’t been with my babies in the last month and a half was for classes and it still sucked. One more month, and I’d be finished for good. My chest vibrated with excitement.

  My entire class had our National Council Licensure Exam scheduled for the following Monday after we graduated—if we passed, but I knew I would. It was exhilarating and nerve-wracking. I got a lot more time for studying lately than I ever had before, but being this close, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d fudge it up somehow.

  That was why I needed to go to work and let Georgie tell me how I’d pass with flying colors. I would miss the old woman when I finally left. She was my rock while I was away from home. There really were two different families when you held down a job—a work-family, and then the ones that were your actual world. The work-family you didn’t really see outside of the job, but without them you knew you’d never make it. You shared secrets, fears, comforted one another when needed. There were things that I shared with Georgie that I couldn’t tell my mom. Georgie came without judgment. Mom had plenty to go around.

  Everyone there knew I’d be moving on this summer. They were trying very hard to get me to continue at the home after I got my RN license. As much as I liked them all, I couldn’t stick around. I’ve always wanted to be at a hospital. It provided better hours and better pay. I wasn’t greedy, but with two kids to feed I needed more cash. Besides, I wanted a house too. All of these things required more money than what I had.

  One more month. One more month.

  I had it.

  Lucy and Eli kept me going day-to-day, but this career… It pulled me out of bed every evening or whenever I caught a bit of sleep. I was a good CNA, and I would be an even better nurse. My kids would be happy because their mom stayed focused on the career she wanted.

  I still had them. They still had me. They also still had their dad. Just not under the same roof.

  “What do you think, Eli?” I peeked down at him in his car seat. “Think mommy will pass her exam next month?” His response was a giggle, but I thought it was more like gas. I hoped. “Lucy Evelyn Jameson,” I called out as I stood by the doorway to our apartment. Lucy and Eli both had Scott’s last name. “What’s taking you so long?”

  “God bless America!” she murmured as she stepped through the hallway carrying her shoes. Despite us needing to hurry, I smiled. I got creative with cussing after becoming a mom. Lucy was picking up on my sayings as much as she’d said it lately. No one else I knew used the phrase like a cuss. “I can’t get these stupid things on.”

  I sat the car seat down and bent on one knee. “Come here, and I’ll help you.” She could put on her pants herself but still struggled with shirts and shoes all the time. “See the Velcro is easy. You just peel it back, slip your foot in like that, and stick it in place.” I looked at her face to see her staring at mine. “Were you even watching?” She smiled and picked her nose. I dropped my head and groaned. “Okay, let’s go.”

  I got off my knee and grabbed Eli in his car seat, and double, triple-checked the diaper bag before opening the apartment door. “Did you get everything?” I asked Lucy before locking the door, and she nodded.

  Every time I walked to my car, I searched for Elijah. The habit worsened after last week’s confrontation. The odd moment lingered in my head. I’d admit it wasn’t totally unpleasant, but his stare was unnerving.

  I didn’t need the reminder that my breasts were huge. Men. At least men still noticed me in that way, right? Pathetic especially since I didn’t have the time to make myself pretty anymore. Nice clothes a
nd makeup were just as rare as sleep these days.

  Elijah’s truck wasn’t in the driveway, so maybe he wasn’t home yet. The usual gang of boys weren’t out tonight either—thank Heaven! That small reprieve was over when Eli fussed.

  “Oh, fudgesicle. He’s hungry again!” Lucy said dramatically as I opened the back door and latched his car seat in.

  “Go, get in your seat, and I’ll buckle you in.”

  I should have planned our departure an hour ago. It was too late though to correct my mistake.

  I adjusted the nursing pad inside my bra. His tears were suddenly full-blown and caused me to leak like crazy. I had my breast pump packed for this reason. My boobs killed me when they were engorged. Hopefully, it would get better in another week or two once my breasts knew exactly how much milk to produce for him.

  “He’s breaking my eardrums,” Lucy informed me.

  “Thanks for your commentary over there. How about you grab his bottle from the diaper bag?” I asked. Luckily, I came prepared for this. I had already made his next bottle before leaving and had some breast milk packed in a mini cooler to stay chilled until it could get to Mom’s fridge.

  “You have it, not me,” she pointed out.

  I blinked at my shoulder where it rested. “Oh.” Kids did something to the brain. “Come here, Eli,” I cooed as I unbuckled and scooped him up. I opened the driver’s side door and sat down with him. By the time I found his bottle, he was screaming bloody murder, and my nipples were leaking with him. Please don’t soak through my shirt before I can change the pads. “Here you go,” I told him, and he latched onto the nipple right away.

  “Finally,” Lucy muttered from her seat.

  I fussed with Eli’s hair while he took his bottle, worrying about how he’d handle his first night away from me. A tear slid down my cheek before I could stop it, and I wiped it away. This wouldn’t last forever, but it truly sucked when every fiber in my body begged to be with them. Always.