Walking in the Shadows

by Giovanni, Cassandra

  “I don’t think that’s the best idea,” I said, thinking about how much I wanted to be in his arms and how the temptation might be too much. “What about somewhere that isn’t around here, you know, where no one will know us.”

  “That’s probably a good idea,” he said as he looked over his shoulder suddenly conscience of where we were.

  “The coffee house in Cambridge?”

  “How will you get there?” he wondered, his brow creased with anxious lines.

  “Like I always do—the train?”

  “I’ll pick you up.”

  “If you say so,” I responded, shuffling past him.

  “I do, Vera.”

  Chapter 9

  I stared at the paper cup without purpose until Tad spoke.

  “If you didn’t really want to talk about it, we didn’t need to come here.”

  “How do you talk about something like this? About death? It seems I’ve always taken the situation for what it is. I can’t do anything about it,” I replied, still looking at the paper cup.

  “What happened?” Tad probed, trying to get to the purpose of our risky meeting.

  “My parents didn’t come home one night and in the morning a policeman showed up at my front door saying that two bodies had been found that might be my parents. It was unreal to watch the policeman walking up the steps, and I somehow knew the reason why he looked so somber…It took me a while to come to the realization that everyone I loved was gone and I was, am utterly alone.”

  “Were they—?” he began, his voice carrying off at the word that no one ever wanted to say.

  “Murdered, yes, it’s odd to say it out loud…I guess it was the Crimson Reign effect.”

  “Crimson Reign effect? Like everyone’s favorite novel gone bad?”

  “Apparently the Grays aren’t so friendly anymore,” I said with a foolish sounding giggle.

  “So this is how you deal with it? Ignore it and then be rather rude about it?” Tad snipped, his brow furrowed.

  “Do you know how guilty I have felt? I haven’t cried about it since the day it happen. I don’t know how to deal with it…You might fight your demons, but I’ll closet mine.”

  “Vera, I didn’t mean it like that. You just seem so emotionless about the whole thing, and I know that’s not you,” Tad commented, and I looked up at him.

  “I guess it makes it easier. I just don’t understand why this happened to me!” I shook my head as I bit my lip to keep it from trembling out of control.

  “Was it hard to see them dead? I mean was it…grizzly?” Tad asked, and his gaze drifted from his hands to mine.

  “No, Crimson Reign effect remember? Vampires… I was told they were given a date rape drug…all the blood in their body was gone and there were two small holes in their necks. I don’t understand the physics of it and didn’t try to. Shortly after their funeral and all the legal crap had been cleaned up I just left it behind.”

  “Wasn’t there a lot of news coverage? Why did I never see anything about you?”

  “I was never on the news. I didn’t want to be, and well, they didn’t know who did it or why, so they were afraid that I was on the hit list—that’s why it was so easy for me to change my identity. The police suggested it; they thought it would be the best way to keep my safe.” I explained, taking a deep breath

  “They still haven’t found the murderer have they?” he asked, and I shook my head as he reached out, placing his hand on mine. “I’m sorry. I understand now why you wouldn’t want to tell me.”

  At that moment I felt as though the world was crashing down on me and I was overcome with emotion. Tad forgot he was Mr. Knightley as he rushed around the table and wrapped his strong arms around me.

  “I’ve lost everyone I love, and now you! I’ve been scared for so long that the thing that killed them would come after me and you made that go away. I’m selfish I know it, for not telling you!”

  “There’s no reason to be sorry,” he whispered, pulling me closer to him as if I would disappear. “If things were different...”

  “But they aren’t Mr. Knightley,” I said, trying to control my emotions as they went from sadness to anger to logic.

  “Vera, that’s cruel,” he replied with his eyes searching my face.

  “This is how our lives will be now, and it’s best we accept it.”

  There was anger building in his eyes and he slammed his fists on the table. I gritted my teeth in frustration as people looked over at us with raised eyebrows.

  “Calm down, Tad.”

  He shook his head at me. “You want me to just accept this like you have accepted your parents’ death? Run away from it? Act as if it never happened? Be cold and emotionless?” he shot and the words stung me. I looked out the window with my jaw clenched, knowing that if I said something now I would regret it.

  Tad’s head went in his hands, and he pulled at his hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

  “No, you’re right; that’s who I am. It should make it easier for you to stop liking me,” I snapped, unable to control the fire raging inside my heart.

  “Liking you? Liking you?”

  “Don’t say it, Mr. Knightley!” I responded, the fire inside consuming me for a new reason.

  His hands were in fists again—something I was beginning to see he did to control his temper. When he spoke his voice was cold.

  “I should bring you home.”

  I scoffed; I didn’t know where home was.

  Chapter 10

  “So you’re turning eighteen? Are you throwing a big party to celebrate?” Jaz inquired as we sat waiting for class to start. Tad wasn’t in the classroom, and I figured he was getting his morning coffee. Hearing the words ‘party’ made everyone turn to look at me.

  “Yes, I’m turning eighteen, but no, I’m not throwing a party,” I replied.

  Lily raised an eyebrow. “You’re turning eighteen and your parents aren’t throwing you a party?”

  Tad walked in the room just as the question was posed and his eyes became worried in an instant.

  “I don’t like parties. I’m going out to buy a car,” I answered, looking away from him.

  “Sweet! Your parents are buying you a car?” Brad asked, his eyes wide, “What type?”

  “I’m buying a car with my own money,” I said, trying to keep my voice level; having everyone’s eyes on me was unnerving.

  “Where does someone our age get their own money to buy a car?” Lily asked, her arrogant face contorted with disgust.

  “Some people have jobs.”

  Tad coughed and everyone turned to face him. “I bought my own car at eighteen as well. You should be proud of yourself, Vera.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Knightley,” I replied, a blush lighting my face.

  His face soured as I called him Mr. Knightley and he turned to the whiteboard to avoid the other students seeing it. I was glad to hear he was proud of me, but my stomach was unsettled by Lily’s eyes still on me as I stared at his back.

  When the bell rang Tad clapped his hands. “See you all tomorrow.” Then, “Vera, may I have a word?”

  “What’s wrong?” I asked as I walked up to his desk.

  “So,” he began as he leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed, “are you going to buy the car alone?”

  “Yes? Who else would I go with?”

  “Women are easily taken at car dealerships.”

  “So now I’m a woman?” I repeated, smirking.

  He looked at his open classroom door before looking up at me and replying in a hushed tone. “You’ve always been a woman to me.”

  “I already know what I want and what I want to pay,” I managed to say as I tried to keep my brain on the teacher-student relationship path we had chosen

  “Yes?”

  “VW TDI.”

  “That’s a bit pricey even if it’s used, right?” he commented, leaning forward. I felt our bodies naturally leaning towards one another.

  �
��Dead parents left a lot of money for my eighteenth b-day,” I replied, my eyes moving away from him as the words came out flat and sad.

  “You don’t have to be so cold about it with me. I’m not going to attack you or accuse you of anything. There’s no reason to act like that with me,” he said, and I had to stop myself from rushing into his arms.

  “I know Ta—Mr. Knightley. I just do it naturally,” I sighed, and before he could respond I put a hand up. “I know it’s immature.”

  “I wasn’t going to say that. Where’s the first place you plan to go with the new ride?”

  “To see my parents’ grave. I haven’t been since the day they were buried and it’s been almost two years, so I feel I should,” I answered, feeling sick at the thought.

  “Is that something you really want to do alone?”

  “Again, who else would I go with?” I asked, and he wrote on the piece of paper in front of me and turned it so I could read it. Someone who cares about you? Someone like me?

  “I thought this was over…us?” I whispered with my heart racing as I looked over my shoulder into the hallway.

  “There are just some things I don’t think you should be alone for,” he answered, and he fell into his habit of clenching his jaw with stress. “How far is it?”

  “Around one hundred miles.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Do you plan on coming back the same day?”

  I nodded my head.

  “So you’ll stay for fifteen minutes and drive the two plus hours back?”

  “I can’t stay there. I’m scared just to go there for fifteen minutes,” I replied, lifting my shoulders and letting them fall in disappointment.

  “Maybe it’s best you don’t go at all then? If it is not safe, then your parents wouldn’t want you to go anyways?” Tad suggested as he tilted his head.

  “Then am I a bad daughter?” I choked as I, for the first time in months, let tears fall.

  He closed his eyes before scribbling on the paper.

  If only I could hold you now and make you feel safe again.

  He took a deep breath as he looked at my face before he stood and went to the window. I folded the paper that he had written on and put it in my pocket. “Is there something else you could do for them?” he asked.

  The second bell rang warning that there were two minutes left to get to class and the students for his next class began to come in.

  “I’m not sure, Mr. Knightley,” I responded, wiping my face before anyone could see the tear stains.

  “Vera?” he questioned looking at the desk for the letter, and I pulled it half way out of my pocket. He nodded. “If you have any more questions on the assignment you can come see me at the end of the day. I’ll try to make myself clear so it won’t take long and you won’t be late for another class?”

  “Thanks,” I replied as I took a breath as I turned out the door.

  ~~~

  “So…what was your suggestion?” I asked as I leaned against the door frame.

  Tad looked up from the paper he was grading. “Ah, Vera! Please come in.”

  “So?” I pushed as I shut the door behind me.

  “A church.”

  “A church –?”

  “Yes. Why don’t you go to a church and light a candle? You know the ones they have at the front of the church? That’s one way to honor your parents’ memory.”

  “I like the suggestion, but I don’t know any churches around here and it’s a private moment. I’m not sure I would want to do it during a Mass or when someone would see me.”

  He handed me a piece of paper on which an address and a time were scribbled. “If you go here it will be private at that time. It’s the time I usually go and do the same thing.”

  “Every day?” I wondered out loud as I moved closer to him.

  “I used to, but I’ve stopped being so frequent. Now I go about once a month,” Tad answered as he loosened his tie.

  “For who?”

  “I may not understand your exact pain Vera, but I do understand pain. My mother died of cancer three years ago. It was awful to watch the strongest woman I had ever known be reduced like that.”

  “I wonder what’s worse, knowing you are going to die or taking your last breath without being able to say good bye,” I commented staring down at the paper.

  “I think they’re equally trying. It was hard to watch her die, but it must be horrible to not wake up one morning and just no longer – be, without warning…and in such a gruesome way.”

  “Thanks Tad,” I said, letting my hand rest on his for a moment. I missed him, and right now I needed him more than ever.

  “I’ll always try to be there for you Vera—no matter what divides us.”

  Chapter 11

  I swallowed and took one last look at the row of candles before I stood and placed the match back into the holder. When I turned Tad came into view, and I jumped in surprise. He was at the entrance, his arms crossed and his lips in a solid line.

  “You know you’re supposed to light the candles with that, right?”

  “Does each one represent a lost soul?” I asked as I looked over my shoulder at the candles that flickered against the dreary church walls.

  “Not necessarily, but each represents a prayer,” Tad replied, walking forward with his hands in his pockets.

  “This was supposed to make me feel better,” I said as I sat at the pew and stared at the candles, “but it doesn’t.”

  “How do you feel?” Tad asked as he sat beside me.

  “Empty…like I always do when I think of them.”

  “You should be reminded of the good times and pleasant memories.”

  “The horror of seeing their blank, lifeless, faces staring at me has ruined it,” I whispered, putting my head in my hands and wishing to push those images away.

  “You must have some good memories?” Tad asked, rubbing my back.

  “Tad, they were too young to die…My mom was a spitfire—a total accident waiting to happen. I’m like her—I can trip over nothing.” Tad chuckled, acknowledging the thought, and I continued. “My father…he was more serious. He used to give me lectures like no tomorrow, he had a strong sense of who I should be—who I wanted to be and how to guide me, and he was my best friend. It seems like everything I love is just out of my reach now.”

  Tad pulled me into his arms tight, and I breathed in his cologne to try to calm down the rapid thump of my heart. For once it wasn’t because of him, but because of the guilt that filled every part of me.

  “I can’t do it. When the flame goes out—they will still be dead,” I explained.

  “A candle can’t bring back a life; I never suggested that. But to light one will honor their memory,” he said, his voice muffled by my hair.

  “How? It will only flicker out and die like they did—like the good memories did,” I said, looking up into his face.

  Tad slipped his hand into mine and led me back up to the flickering candles. He lit the match stick with another candle and handed it to me, but my hand was shaking too much to control the flame. Tad placed his hand over mine and guided my hand to the candles. He let go of my hand and took the match stick, shaking it until it turned black.

  I sat down in the pew and took a deep breath. “I have nightmares that they come for me.”

  “Who?”

  “The vampires.”

  I was not prepared for the laughter and I looked up at him in shock. He tried to cover his smile. “I’m sorry, it just sounds so—“

  I cut him off as I stood, my blood icy in my veins, “Vampires exist in my world. Some psychopath decided that sucking the life out of a person is a fun hobby. Guess what? I had to stare at my murdered parents, had to run away from my past. You’re the only person who knows and you can stand here and laugh?” I yelled, and I ran out the door with him trailing behind knowing that he would have to stop at the threshold. I looked over my shoulder to see him with his head in his hands and his shoulders tensed with a
n emotion I was unsure of. I knew he hadn’t meant to laugh, and it was not so much the laugh, but the fact he had to stop at the door that upset me. No matter how close Tad and I were, we could not, would not be together. The hole where my heart had finally grown back after the loss of my parents was returning because of the very person who had filled the void.

  Chapter 12

  I felt Tad’s eyes staring at my back as I shoved my books into my locker, but when I glanced over my shoulder I discovered someone else was staring at me as well. I could not for the life of me remember his name though. He lifted his hand and twisted it in a slight, relaxed wave. I knew I shouldn’t do it with Tad looking and that I would never do it if he wasn’t, but for some reason I wanted to make him jealous. I tossed my hair over my shoulder and offered that waving buffoon the sexiest smile I could muster. Out of the corner of my vision I saw Tad’s distinctive Adam’s apple rise and fall before he turned on his heel into his classroom. I looked back into my locker in complete shame and had to fight the urge to slam my head between the door and its edge.

  “I know it’s not polite to stare but…” someone said. I jumped and I got my wish as my head slammed into the locker door. “Crap, you okay?”

  My vision blurred, and I looked up into his face. “Oh…hi?”

  “Carl, from Jennings’ World Civ class?” he suggested, his brow furrowing as he stared down at me.

  I felt my eyes crossing as my head pounded. “That hurt.”

  “I believe it! You okay? You look like you’re going to pass out.”

  I could feel my body rocking. “Slammed my head pretty hard, I guess.”

  “I’m bringing you to the nurse,” he said, and wrapped his arm around my waist just as I was about to face plant.

  “I wish the floor would stay still,” I commented as I staggered against him.

  The nurse stood as Carl brought me into her office. “What happened to her?”

  “Slammed her head into her locker door; I scared her I guess,” Carl replied, and his voice reflected his worry. It served him right; he had caused it.