My True Colours

by Hannah Francis

  After flowers, cards, and loads of text messages and voicemails, I agree to meet Roger to talk about the details of the divorce. I am only asking for the savings of £10,000 and my £55,000 that I paid off his mortgage. This is more than fair, and he knows it.

  We meet at a local pub, and he suggests going for a meal, adding that I owe him that much. I agree and want to keep it on friendly terms. We order the meal, and as we are talking, he grabs my hand. When I look up, he is crying. He tells me that he will buy the boys a house to live in and will do anything to have me back. He tells me that Benji is pining for me, sits by the window, and cries for me all the time. I ask him if, after the meal, I can go to see Benji and make sure he is OK. He agrees.

  As I enter the house, Benji jumps up on my lap. I catch and kiss him, telling him I love and miss him so much. I sit there for an hour with him, and will not move off my lap. He even cries when I go to the toilet, thinking I am going to leave. I stay longer than I intended, and it is late. Roger tells me to stay the night and pours me a glass of wine. We talk and end up having drunk make-up sex.

  The next morning, I get up early, make my excuses, and leave. I kiss Benji goodbye and tell him I love him. As I go through the gate, he starts to cry. Leaving him is so hard, but I know I cannot take him with me, because he is offically Rogers. I get in the car and drive back to my father’s house. Roger thinks we are back together. I am gutted and know I have made a massive mistake. When I get in, Lorna and the children are waiting. Jonah tells me, “Mam, we need to talk.”

  Lorna told them that I was going to talk to Roger, and they tell me they were worried. Lorna adds that she knows what Roger is like and how manipulative he can be. I tell them that I am OK and am not going back to him. Jonah says, “Mam, I know you are confused and on your own right now, but you are only forty. That is not old. Maybe it won’t be right now, but in a few years, you will meet someone else. You won’t be on your own forever.”

  Polly adds, “If you go back to him, he will have what he has always wanted: you without us.” She adds that she is not going back there ever, and that I can have him, but then I won’t have them. I tell them they are right, and I promise them that I won’t go back. My mind is made up.

  The next day, I tell Sophie what has happened, and she says that at least now I know. Maybe going back and trying to make it work was what I needed to do, to get it out of my system. I text Roger and tell him that it is definitely over. He leaves several disgusting messages, accusing me of being a slag and telling me that no one has ever hurt him this much. Deep down, I know he is more hurt over losing the lifestyle we had, and he doesn’t want to repay me my money.

  As the months pass and the solicitors’ letters change hands, Roger becomes bitter. He tells me that he intends to drag the divorce out for as long as possible. I get a text from Roger that reads, “By the way, the dog is dead.” I call him and ask what is he on about. He tells me Benji had a problem with his leg, and the pet insurance covered the cost of the surgery, but he died on the table. I had been visiting him when I knew that Roger would be at work. I tell him that he is lying and hang up. I am at work, and Ali is also in today. I ask her to cover my clients for an hour because I have to pop out.

  I drive to the house to look for Benji. He is not in the garden. I look in through the kitchen window, and his cage is empty. I leave the house and drive to a local park because I need to be alone. I start to cry for Benji, Mam, and Dad. I can’t stop and sob my heart out. About an hour later, I am cried out and have a thumping headache. I ring Lorna and tell her about the dog, and I start crying all over again. I tell her, “I couldn’t cry when we lost our parents, so why am I crying over a dog?” She reminds what I have been through the last five years and tells me that it will be OK.

  I thank her for listening and hang up.

  I am crying again, and this time I pray to God. “Please don’t let me break.” I lie in bed that night and think about Roger and how he told me about Benji. He could have let me say goodbye.

  The next day, I go get a tattoo on my hip. I choose a fairy, and she has swirls around her. I tell him to add a cute bumblebee. The B is for Benji.

  A month later, when I am at work, Ali comments that it has been on the news about breast implants, and that there has been a problem with a certain type used. I look at my paperwork and discover that I have PIP implants. I ring Harley Street and explain that my circumstances have changed financially, and I cannot afford to replace them. I also tell them I cannot afford to be ill. They recommend that I have private scan to check whether the implants are leaking. Although the scan is expensive, It puts my mind at rest luckily they are not.

  Jonah has graduated from university with a 2.1 grade, and I am proud of him. Eligh has moved into a flat because he says that he wants to live on his own. I apply to the local council, and they offer him a one-bedroom flat in a four-storey building. I think letting him have a taste of the real world will do him good, but I help him by buying a sofa, carpets, and a bed. Lorna buys him a microwave and has an old fridge and freezer that she gives him. I visit him weekly and make sure he has enough money for food and electric. I worry that he is depressed and ask Jonah to keep an eye on him. Jonah tells me that he will; he is the only one who can talk to Eligh these days.

  Jonah has asked Eligh if he can film some scenes for his new documentary and sitcom series that he is making at his flat, and Eligh agrees. The other locations for the series are my shop, the flat, and Dad’s house (our new home). He has asked if the crew can stay at the house for a week, and I agree. The day before they all arrive, he informs me that I will also have to cater for two vegans! Jonah has co-written the series with his gay best friend, Tim. They have become great friends and work partners since meeting in university. Polly is devastated that Jonah has a gay friend and she doesn’t. Tim tells her that he will be hers as well, and Polly is overjoyed.

  The week of filming is a great experience. Eligh and Frankie assist everyone and have a good laugh with all the actors and film crew. Everyone has sleeping bags and crash in the living room. Jonah is a great cook and helps me prepare all the meals. I do my speciality, a cauliflower cheese dish for the vegans, and they love it. Jonah and Tim finish filming, and the crew and actors thank me for my hospitality before leaving. I realise that I would never have been allowed to be involved in that experience if I were still married to Roger.

  Six months later, Eligh is struggling to cope in the flat. He cannot get a job. He comes to the house most days to eat, and he looks skinny and depressed. I ask how things are going, and he tells me that he is finding it hard to cope. I tell him to come home, he sighs and then agrees.

  I have been successful in obtaining the grant for refurbishment at the new premises. I am struggling financially and am stressed. Roger lives in the house mortgage-free. I tell him I want the furniture that I took there from my old house: the children’s beds and bedroom furniture, kitchen utensils, and ornaments. I ask for the Halifax savings (my teaching money pay). I also want my £55,000 that I paid off his mortgage. I remind him that my name is on the deeds to the house. We have had the house valued, and it is worth £180,000. Roger has a good job and no dept thanks to me. I tell him that he could get a mortgage on the house and easily pay me back. We could be divorced in four months if he would only see sense. He offers me £25,000. I tell him to piss off.

  Roger knows that I need the money to pay towards the grant I have obtained on the shop and flat, but he is determined to drag out the divorce. I am on my knees financially, and eventually I manage to make arrangements with the builder to pay him in instalments. I change my car. The garage I deal with is trustworthy and gives me three thousand back for the Audi and an older model Audi. I use the money to pay my first instalment.

  Three months later, I finally convince Roger to split the Halifax savings. He only does this because I have the book, and he is afraid I will get the money out. I cannot do this
because we have to co-sign (I have tried). I use the five thousand to pay the builder the second instalment. Six months later, I persuade Sophie and Lorna to get a mortgage on Dad’s house. Andy wants to be bought out. We need to add a new bathroom and windows to the house to get it into a rentable condition. The money that is left from the mortgage after this is split three ways. I use my share to pay a third instalment to the builder. I have to scrimp and save every spare penny to pay him. He is hard work and is adding extra costs to the refurbishment.

  Eventually, eight months later, I tell him to give me the final balance. I have been making him sign a receipt every time I give him money. I add up the total amount I have already paid him, and we conclude that the balance owing is two thousand. I get a loan to pay him off and tell him that this is his last payment. I am broke and at breaking point.

  Roger instructs his solicitor to go for my shop and my inheritance. This is the final straw. He has told his solicitor that he has paid to decorate my old premises and is owed money. He is such a fucking liar! He drags the divorce out for two years. When it is finalised, I get my furniture, £55,000, and the caravan. I have had £5,000 of the Halifax savings. Oh, yes, and a bill from my solicitor for £6,500. Cheers!

  Polly has been great since the divorce, often working for free to help me out. None of us has had new clothes or shoes for ages. I am still struggling to make ends meet, and I tell them all that I will make it up to them. Polly has become more than a daughter; she is a good friend. She and Jonah have been my private counsellors. I pay back Lorna and Sophie what I owe them, and I am left with £41,500. I sold the caravan for £6,500; this is included. It was worth twice that, but I wanted a quick sale.) The house that I wanted to buy a year ago is still on the market. I put in an offer, and with the help of an excellent financial advisor, I manage to get a mortgage. It means that I have to put down a deposit of £30,000, but the house is mine. It is in a private location and is an old property that has a cottage feel to it, with its original, solid-wood latch doors throughout and painted wooden beams on the living room ceiling.

  Before we move in, I have to have it rewired throughout. A new bathroom suite is put in and tiled floor to ceiling, along with a power shower. I also have an attic conversion done. I need an extra bedroom for Polly. The three bedrooms I have are small. I take the front one, and Jonah has the box room. Eligh and Frankie share a room. It is a squeeze, but we all fit in and are a family in our home.

  Surprisingly, after all that I still manage to have enough left over for a holiday. I get passports for Eligh and Frankie because the old ones have expired. Jonah had one whilst in university; he needed it for ID when hiring out the cameras to film his work. I pay for us all to go to Kos in Greece, and I include a ticket for Jack (Polly’s boyfriend) and Carla (Jonah’s girlfriend).

  A month later, we head to the airport. This is the first family holiday we have had together since before the move to Roger’s. We land in Kos, and the resort is run by a friendly family. The owner introduces himself as George.

  When we arrive, we are shown to our rooms. Jack, Polly, and I share a room. Eligh and Frankie are next door, and Jonah and Carla are the other side of us. Later that evening, we walk into town for food and drinks. On the way, we spot a bike hire shop, and the next day we decide to hire some push bikes. Eligh has been quite moody with me since I came back to live at Dad’s. He has never said it, but I don’t think he has been able to forgive me for making him put up with Roger. Jonah and Carla are good with him. Despite this, the next day Eligh tells us that he does not want to go to the beach, and he says to go without him. Jonah tells me to leave him in the room. we shout to him that he knows where we are if he changes his mind, and then we leave.

  Carla decides that the roads are too busy and is too nervous to get a bike. I tell her that there are bicycle lanes all over the island, but she declines.

  The rest of us get mountain bikes with baskets on the front. They have keys to lock them, and we hire one each for the week. We cycle to the beach. It is sectioned off into strips, and we pick one that has a mixture of age groups sunbathing on it. It has eighties music playing in the background. Jonah says, “This is the place for us!” He loves this music. We order drinks. There is an eighteen to thirty section, where they are having drinking games.

  Later in the day, we have lunch on the beach and more drinks. I worry about Eligh, and Jonah and I comment that it is not the same without him. As we cycle back to the resort, we see him. Eligh says that he has been down at the beach several times looking for us, but he couldn’t find us. We tell him that he missed out on a great day. After that, Eligh gets up in the mornings and joins in. Jonah has a personality that attracts people to him, and before the second day is out, he is friends with the whole family at the resort, as well as everyone staying there.

  Carla argues with Jonah for most of the holiday. I notice that she can be quite moody, and she spends most of the holiday chatting to Eligh. I am glad he has come out of his shell and is making an effort to get to know her for Jonah’s sake. It is the first holiday where I have made friends. Jonah tells me that John (his new friend) commented that I do not mix with anyone. After meeting him and his wife, I explain to them that taking my children away on my own for so many years has been hard, and no one has ever tried to mix with us, so I have learned to keep myself to myself. I apologise to them both and tell them I was not being ignorant.

  I am the only one out of us who goes to bed before 2.00 a.m. most mornings. The kids, their partners, and the rest of the resort stay up playing pool. I notice that Eligh is like a different person here: he is witty and funny, has a laugh, and joins in with everyone. By the end of the week, we are all gutted and do not want to leave. We have farewell drinks with the resort owners and the other guests, and we promise to keep in touch on Facebook. We all agree this was the best holiday ever!

  Three months after the holiday, Carla and Jonah split up. Jonah tells me that she was seeing someone else. He is upset and asks me to pick him up from work so that we can talk about it in private. I joke that people will think we are a courting couple, but I pick him up as requested. I park the car, and he tells me everything. He decides that it is for the best.

  Three weeks later, Carla is on the phone, telling him she wants him back and it is all off with the other bloke. I advise Jonah that it is his decision, but if he goes back, then he will never trust her again. I tell him about what happened early on with me and Roger, and I reveal to him that I never really trusted him after that. Jonah tells me he does not want to have a relationship with no trust and that they always said neither of them would cheat; if one did, it would be the end of the relationship. He texts Carla and tells her that he does not want her back.

  A month later, he is on the Plenty of Fish website looking for dates! I did not get divorced to be single again. The thought of dating at my age makes me cringe. Roger, as I predicted, has moved in his new girlfriend. Over the last two years, he has had several and cannot be on his own. My friends tell me that she is a supervisor in a factory and earns good money. That is all that matters to him, and the first thing he tells people is not that she is nice, pretty, or even slim, but that she earns a good wage. It sums him up.

  Since splitting from Roger, I have moved four times. Until then, I didn’t realise how much crap I hoarded. I moved from Roger’s to my father’s, and then from there to the flat. This was just Polly and I, because we had to speed up the builders who were taking forever to complete the work. I moved back from the flat to Dad’s and eventually from there to my new home.

  On a night out, my friends jokingly ask, “which residence would you like to go home to tonight Lauren Sugar?” This is their nickname for me because they joke that am a property tycoon. I own a third share in my parents’ house, which we are now renting out. I own a shop with a flat above and also my new home. This means I have three mortgages to pay.

  I jokingly reply, “Th
e new residence, please, and make it snappy.”

  Apart from the occasional night out with the girls, I spend most of my spare time and money doing up the new house. Each room is replastered (including the ceilings) and redecorated. I finish the kids’ bedrooms. I also strip the paint from ceiling beams in the living room, the fireplace, and the landing and stairs; it is all adjoined. The staircase is neat and opens up into the room. This has taken months of hard work. I stain the beams and the staircase and am proud of the job I have done.

  Six months later, I have saved and have just enough to buy and fit a new kitchen with a Harga cooker. I paint the whole downstairs and tile the kitchen and dining room. I have bought second-hand furniture to match the theme of the house. I love the results. It is nearly Christmas, and I buy a new Christmas tree. It looks great in the newly finished living room.

  I have invited Lorna and her husband for Christmas dinner, along with Polly’s boyfriend Jack. Polly and Jack have been together for three years. A month before Christmas, Jonah gets a new job and has moved to the city with his new girlfriend, Laura; they are also coming for dinner. We have the best Christmas ever, and I cook it to perfection. I have a dishwasher in my new kitchen. After lunch, we load it, turn it on, and go watch a film. Life is good, we are a proper family again, and I love our new home. The house is not quite finished, but I am broke and plan to save up next year to complete it.