Murder Al Dente

by Nancy Skopin

  The wedding wouldn’t begin until 6:00 tomorrow night, so I didn’t bother setting the alarm when we climbed into bed.

  “Are you working tomorrow?” I asked.

  “Not unless the SFPD uncovers something relevant to Chet’s murder. I’ve already given them everything I’ve got.”

  I didn’t ask if they knew what Vanessa drove. I just couldn’t handle anymore obfuscation. I curled up with my head on Bill’s shoulder and tried to relax in spite of the emptiness in the center of my chest because Buddy wasn’t at the foot of the bed, his soft snores lulling me to sleep.

  CHAPTER 39

  Bill and I slept until 8:00 on Saturday and my first thought when I woke up was of my dog. My best friend was getting married today, I was Jack’s best man, a crazed killer was probably plotting my demise, I had a gorgeous man in my bed, and I was worried about my dog. I quickly used the head, brushed my teeth, pulled my hair up into a ponytail, and threw on shorts and a tee shirt.

  Bill sat up and said, “Where are you going?”

  “I have to go get Buddy.”

  “Buddy’s fine. Come back to bed.”

  He had that look in his eyes that told me sleep was not on his mind.

  “Can’t. Sorry. I need my dog.”

  I launched myself up the companionway, jumped off the boat onto the dock steps, and raced down to Kirk’s Bluewater. I didn’t see either dog out on deck, which is where they spend most of their time together, so I knocked on Kirk’s galley window. After a minute his son Jonathan slid the window open and peered out at me.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I just came to collect Buddy.”

  Jonathan scratched his mop of blond curls and said, “I think my dad took them for a walk.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  I gazed up to shore and, sure enough, they were just rounding the corner of the office complex. I hustled to the companionway leading up to shore, glad I’d remembered to bring my gate key. As soon as I was through the gate, Buddy saw me and began spinning in circles. It’s what I call his happy dance. Unfortunately, if you’re the one holding the leash when this phenomenon occurs you’re likely to get tangled up. Kirk had the good sense to let go of the leash, and my boy made a mad dash in my direction.

  I held my arms out in front of me and braced myself for impact. Buddy’s over a hundred pounds, but he still acts like a puppy. It’s endearing and also, sometimes, painful. He leapt into my arms, and I managed not to fall on my ass while he covered my face with kisses.

  Kirk was laughing as he approached with D’Artagnon, who was heeling like the well-behaved Lab he is.

  “I think he missed you.”

  I tried to respond, but the love-fest required that I keep my mouth closed for the moment. As soon as my pup settled on all fours again, I said, “I missed him too. Thanks for taking care of him last night.”

  “He’s no trouble. You know D’Artagnon loves the company.”

  I did know that.

  “Thanks for the John Wayne mug,” Kirk said. “I love John Wayne!”

  We walked back down to the dock together, and Kirk climbed aboard his boat and turned to face me. “The wedding’s tonight, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you need me to watch Buddy?”

  “No. He’s actually the ring bearer.”

  Kirk was still laughing when we rounded the dock heading for home.

  We descended the companionway into the Cheoy Lee, and Bill was subjected to the same canine affection I’d received, but, since he was still in bed, there was no escape for him. The two of them wrestled with each other while I made coffee.

  After breakfast and a shower, I took my dress out of the hanging locker and checked it for wrinkles. For Elizabeth’s wedding I was wearing a floor-length periwinkle blue chiffon gown with a single shoulder strap that crossed between my breasts. I’d protested that because I was Jack’s best man I should be allowed to wear a tuxedo. I have a beautiful black tux with satin lapels that I rarely get to wear. It would have been so much more practical. But Elizabeth wanted me and Lily to match, and I finally gave in. It was her day, after all.

  Elizabeth, herself, would be wearing an off-white, beaded, floor length halter gown. The fabric covering the décolletage was chiffon and translucent. I had a special collar for Buddy to wear that included a black bow tie.

  Elizabeth and Jack had chartered a large motor yacht out of San Francisco for the affair. The ceremony would be performed by the captain, and the reception would take place on board. The cruise would be taking off from the San Francisco Marina Yacht Harbor at 6:00, and Jack had even arranged for an area of the parking lot to be roped off for wedding guests.

  Elizabeth had asked me to be there by 4:30, so we could do a quick run-through of the ceremony. Buddy would ride with me, not only because he was part of the event, but also because Bill wasn’t crazy about having a huge dog with sharp toenails in the back seat of his Mustang.

  By 3:00 I was a bundle of nerves. I checked my makeup, added extra gel to my curls, hoping it would withstand the wind in San Francisco, and dressed in my stupid chiffon gown.

  While Bill was in the galley attaching Buddy’s leash to his bow tie collar, I strapped on my thigh holster and slid the Glock into place. It would be difficult to access, but I couldn’t carry a pistol purse during the wedding. I’d found a bag that matched my shoes perfectly, which was little more than a clutch with a shoulder strap. I loaded it with my wallet, keys, cell phone, and lip gloss, then stepped into my periwinkle blue pumps. Almost as an afterthought, I grabbed a blue fedora I’d had for years and almost never wore. It was a close match to the color of my dress. If the wind on the water was too much for my hair, the hat might help.

  Bill walked us up to the parking lot and we got Buddy situated in the back seat of the Bimmer. I lifted the hem of my dress and leaned over, pretending to check the sole of my shoe. I didn’t see any dark puddles under my car. If the brake line had been cut there was no evidence of it.

  I kissed Bill goodbye and climbed in, placing the pouch with the wedding bands on the passenger seat next to my purse. I planned to wait until the last minute to attach it to Buddy’s collar. The guests would undoubtedly fawn over my handsome boy, and I was afraid the pouch might get detached by accident.

  Half way to San Francisco I started jonesing for a cigarette. I frequently checked my rearview mirror, but didn’t see a white Lexus following me. Of course, if Vanessa was shrewd, she’d have rented a nondescript car in which to tail me.

  I found my way to the marina on Scott Street, and a parking attendant directed me to the section reserved for wedding guests. It was the section closest to the pier where the chartered yacht was docked. Jack must have paid a fortune for the inconvenience to yacht owners. Elizabeth had invited her friends from work and several of our neighbors from the marina, so we were taking up a substantial portion of the parking lot.

  I grabbed my tiny shoulder bag and let Buddy out of the car, walking him around the trees in front of the marina offices. When I felt secure that he had completed all necessary business, we walked down the short companionway to the docks.

  The yacht Jack had chartered was easily large enough to accommodate thirty guests and catering staff. She was an elegant vessel, a sleek sixty-foot motor yacht with an abundance of well-maintained brightwork. The lower deck was accessible via dock steps. A good thing, too. I wouldn’t be the only woman in high heels and after a few glasses of champagne, a lady’s balance can become unpredictable.

  I located the wedding party on the upper deck. Elizabeth was stunning in her gown and Jack looked seriously shiny in his black tuxedo. Lily resembled a busty Greek goddess in her one-shoulder periwinkle floor-length dress. The breeze was already picking up, and I was glad Elizabeth had elected to hold the ceremony indoors.

  Jack, Buddy and I stood next to the ship’s captain as Lily escorted Elizabeth down the aisle. My friends had written their own vows, so the captain had littl
e to say until it was time for the rings, which was when I remembered I’d left the pouch in my car. Dammit!

  I explained the situation to Elizabeth and said I’d run and get them as soon as we were finished with the rehearsal. Once the bride and groom had kissed and walked down the aisle followed by Lily, Buddy, and yours truly, I handed Buddy’s leash to Lily and said I’d be right back. It was only 4:45, and the cruise wouldn’t begin until 6:00. There was plenty of time.

  As I unlocked the car and reached inside for the satin ring pouch, I felt, rather than heard, movement behind me. I tucked the pouch securely into my cleavage and tapped the recording icon on the iPhone inside my bag before closing the car door. I inserted the key and locked the BMW, then laced the keys between my knuckles and turned to face Vanessa. She was holding a revolver fitted with a custom suppressor at hip level behind her own shoulder bag, effectively concealing the gun from anyone driving or walking into the lot, though there was little traffic at the moment.

  “What are you doing here, Vanessa?”

  “I’ve reconsidered your offer,” she said with a smile. “Is there some place we can talk privately?”

  I glanced through the trees at the marina offices. “I assume there’s a public restroom.”

  “That will do. Please don’t try anything stupid. I’d hate to ruin that lovely dress.”

  Vanessa followed me to the building and I spotted a sign with an arrow pointing to the restrooms. She nudged me in that direction, and we entered the ladies’ room together.

  “Check the stalls, please,” she said, keeping the gun on me.

  We were alone, and I was a dead woman. The Glock holstered on my thigh wouldn’t do me any good if I couldn’t get it out of the holster and fire before she did, but I’d have to try. In the meantime, maybe I’d get a chance to record her confession.

  “Where is the evidence?” she demanded.

  “You mean the evidence that you killed both Chet and Chance?”

  “Are you an imbecile? What else would I be talking about?”

  Nice. “It’s locked in my office safe.”

  “I’ll take your keys.”

  “Won’t do you any good. The office has an alarm connected directly to the police department. They’re only four blocks away, so by the time you find the safe they’ll be all over you.”

  That, of course, was a lie. My perimeter alarm was only connected to my cell phone.

  “Why couldn’t you just leave this alone?” she whined.

  “Because Chet paid me to investigate.”

  “So? You could have kept the money. No one would have known.”

  “I would have known. Why did you do it, Vanessa? Why did you embezzle from his company? You were paid a good salary. Even after the divorce, Chet let you keep your job. What the fuck is your problem?”

  “My problem? My problem? I’ll tell you what my problem was. Chet liked banging his blow-up dolls more than he liked having sex with me! I have an actual vagina, but he’d rather stick it in an artificial, vibrating, Barbie-doll. The damn pool boy didn’t even mean anything to me. I just wanted to get Chet’s attention. How was that any different from him screwing an inflatable doll? But he didn’t see it that way and the asshole divorced me. That insignificant little affair violated the prenup, and I got nothing. Nothing! After six years of putting up with his snoring and his doll-humping I got nothing. I only took what he owed me.”

  “You took his life!”

  Vanessa’s face turned red and I was afraid she’d hyperventilate and accidentally shoot me.

  I said, “Okay, I get that you were pissed enough at Chet to embezzle, and killing him might have stopped the partial sale of the company, eliminating the need for an audit which would have exposed you, but why did you kill Chance?”

  “That little shit was trying to blackmail me. Can you believe that?”

  “Actually, yes, I can. Why did you put the gun in Chet’s right hand?” I had to know.

  “He was ambidextrous, you idiot! He wrote with his left hand and shot with his right.”

  “Huh. Didn’t see that coming.” Brilliant, Nikki.

  “Give me your damn keys and the alarm code, and I’ll let you live.”

  “No you won’t.”

  Vanessa raised the gun and I saw the restroom door behind her begin to open. I couldn’t risk someone else being in the line of fire, so I did the only thing I could think of. I shouted, “It’s occupied.” As Vanessa turned toward the door I swung my little shoulder bag at her face. She was momentarily stunned, giving me the edge I needed. I reached under my skirt and snatched the Glock out of its holster. There was no time to get the dress completely out of the way, so I fired through the chiffon skirt, hitting Vanessa in the shoulder. She screamed bloody murder and dropped her gun on the bathroom floor.

  I pulled the Glock out from under my dress and kept it pointed at Vanessa as Lily walked through the door, took in the scene, and raised a single eyebrow.

  “Hi, Nikki.”

  “Hey, Lily.”

  “You need any help?”

  “I need some zip ties and the police.”

  Lily opened her clutch and took out a pair of mink-lined handcuffs. “Will these work?”

  I started laughing and couldn’t stop. Lily cuffed a screaming still Vanessa’s hands behind her back, and I kept the gun trained on her while Lily called the SFPD. I checked my watch. 5:00. I really didn’t want to miss Elizabeth’s wedding cruise. Then I looked down at my dress.

  “Shit. Elizabeth is going to kill me.” I handed Lily the gun and pulled out my cell phone, stopped the recording app, and speed-dialed Bill.

  He answered on the first ring. “Hey gorgeous!”

  “Are you still at home?”

  “Yeah. I was just leaving. What’s up?”

  “There’s a black tuxedo in a garment bag in the hanging locker. Can you bring it to the wedding with you, please? I kind of ruined my dress.”

  “Sure.”

  “Thanks. I’ll see you soon.”

  “Love you.”

  “I love you, too.” I heard him laughing as I ended the call.

  Lily said, “You didn’t think you should mention this little incident?”

  “I don’t want him distracted while he’s driving.”

  I retrieved the gun from Lily and we heard sirens in the distance. It took almost an hour to make our statements to the SFPD, but Bill’s arrival helped everything run more smoothly. The fact that I’d recorded Vanessa’s confession didn’t hurt. They confiscated my Glock, of course, but agreed to let me come in the next day to make a formal statement because of the whole best friend’s wedding situation. Lily had left me just long enough to go inform Elizabeth and Jack about what was going on.

  When Bill and I finally made it to the chartered yacht I took the garment bag from him and slipped into a stateroom to change. Lily came along. Bill waited outside. He wanted to know why Vanessa had come after me, but that could wait until after the wedding.

  I unzipped the bag and took out the tux. Jacket and pants. No blouse. I opened the stateroom door and looked up at Bill. “You didn’t bring a blouse?”

  “You didn’t ask me to bring a blouse.”

  “It’s fine,” said Lily, closing the door in Bill’s face. “I’ve got this.”

  She reached into her clutch and this time came out with a Swiss Army knife. She extracted the longest, sharpest blade, took hold of my dress, and neatly sliced off the ruined skirt. I was left standing there in nothing but my blue heels, black thong, and the one-shoulder top of the dress.

  “Elizabeth is so going to kill me,” I whimpered.

  “Shut up and put on your big girl pants. Everyone’s waiting.”

  I pulled on the tux trousers and jacket and damned if it didn’t look perfect with the periwinkle blue one-shoulder top underneath.

  CHAPTER 40

  Even though the wedding cruise started a little later than scheduled, the ceremony went off without a hitch. Eliza
beth’s eyes got huge when she saw me in my tux, but when I explained what had happened to the dress she wasn’t really upset. Besides, I still matched Lily, sort of.

  I tied the ring pouch to Buddy’s collar and he played his part perfectly. I even managed to hold back my tears while Jack and Elizabeth exchanged vows. Even though I no longer believe in marriage for myself, I’m still a hopeless romantic.

  Once the knot had been officially tied, Elizabeth threw her bouquet, and Lily, being the tallest woman in the crowd, deftly caught it. That’s when I noticed my friend Michael standing next to her. He hadn’t been invited to the wedding, never having met Elizabeth or Jack before last night. He must have come as Lily’s plus one. I had to admit he was looking very dapper in his pin-striped suit. I’d never seen Michael in a suit. Even when he was meeting with the CEOs of Fortune five hundred companies, he dressed in jeans.

  The celebration began with a champagne toast, presented by yours truly as the best man. I hadn’t really prepared for this, being a little distracted by kidnapping and murder, so I repeated the toast I’d made at their engagement party. It was in Gaelic, so most of the guests were befuddled by the language, but Jack and Elizabeth understood it, and that was all that mattered.

  “Slainte mhor agus a h-uile beannachd duibh. Mille failte dhuit le d'bhreid. Fad do re gun robh thu slan. Mo ran la ithean dhuit is sith. Le d'mhaitheas is le d'ni bhi fas. Meal-a-naidheachd.”

  Roughly translated into English that means, “Good health and every blessing to you. A thousand welcomes with your wedding veil. May you be healthy all of your days. May you be blessed with long life and peace. May you grow old with goodness and with riches. Congratulations.”

  Elizabeth cut into the gorgeous, tiered Swiss chocolate cake and she and Jack fed each other a bite. No cream cheese icing was smeared on anyone’s face. I’ll never understand why some couples do that on their wedding day. You can bet the bride doesn’t want her make-up ruined before the photos are taken. Speaking of which, Elizabeth had hired a professional photographer, but the young woman had apparently never been on a yacht before. She was turning an unfortunate shade of green and spending a lot of time in the head, so Lily snapped tons of pictures with her phone. She circulated among the guests taking candid shots of everyone, but spent most of her time photographing Jack and Elizabeth staring blissfully into each other’s eyes.