Sinner Realized

by Morgan Kelley

  If no one saw the real her, then they wouldn’t know the truth.

  Maura was afraid to get hurt.

  While covert operations didn't scare her, love certainly did.

  It was easy to be tough on the outside, all the while deep down she was anything but. Maura needed to face the cold hard truth that she was just like any other woman.

  Afraid to find love and then lose it.

  Now, she’d done what she feared most to a really good man. One who wasn’t afraid to put it out there for her.

  He was patient.

  Kind.

  Gentle.

  And now he was gone.

  All because she had to be stubborn all the time, allowing the tight rigorous control to rule her life. What she wanted to say to him last night had been completely different than what came out.

  Honestly, Maura wanted to be with him.

  Only, she didn't know how.

  How did you take a civilian and show them your military life, and then expect them to not bolt? She never knew where she’d have to go on a moment’s notice. The missions would change and so would the locations.

  Was that fair to force on someone? Where most people craved stability, Maura couldn’t offer that to anyone. She was a soldier, and she’d likely die one.

  There she was, doing it again.

  Once more, Maura was trying to make up someone’s mind. It was like she couldn’t separate the soldier and woman in her.

  They’d blended and made one hell of a mess.

  Staring down at the note, she took a deep breath. Well, it was time to be a big girl and suck it up. What was done was done.

  She’d lost her only chance at love.

  Maura,

  I’m sorry that I upset you last night. I probably shouldn’t have said anything. I wanted to keep the words locked in my heart, but I couldn’t help it. I was hoping that when you found out the truth, you might feel an iota of the way I do.

  I can see that isn't true.

  It’s okay. I’ll get over it and not bring it up anymore. I don’t want to hurt you. If my feelings will do that, then I’ll swallow them. I only want to see you safe and happy, and if that means backing up and giving you space, I’ll do it.

  I’ll always love you, but I understand that this isn't a fairytale. There isn't always going to be a happily ever after. I’ve had to learn that early in life.

  To answer your question, when this is over, I’ll let you go. Since that’s what you want, I won’t stand in your way. I only want to see you smile and love life, even if it’s without me.

  Always,

  Luke.

  Well, it was official. Her heart just broke wide open in her chest. Not at what his words did to her, but because of what they did to him. Here was Luke, raw and bleeding inside because of her. Yet, he was putting her first over his own love. If that didn't make him a soldier, nothing did. Lucas Mars was willing to make a sacrifice for the better of the whole.

  Suddenly, the shadows that clouded her heart were no more, and the darkness revealed the truth. While she may not be worthy, he was.

  Maura had to do something.

  He was suffering.

  Luke needed to know the truth, even if it scared her to death. Holding back only wounded him more, and while he could live with that, she couldn’t. Breaking Luke wasn’t an option.

  Not now.

  Not ever.

  Since he was willing to put it out there for the world to see, she could do the same. Maura knew Luke was one man who she could trust with her life.

  It was time to do just that.

  Pulling on her boots, she headed out the door. This whole mess was her fault. It was time to fix it and make it right.

  There was only one thing to do.

  Maura needed to dig deep, finding the courage to face Luke down to tell him the truth.

  It was now or never.

  It had been a long night filled with nothing but torture. As he lay on the couch, he’d wanted to go to her a few times, but Luke knew he couldn’t.

  She’d said it all. Maura couldn’t deal with it.

  What was he supposed to do? Force her? Just because he had feelings for her, that didn't mean they’d be reciprocated. Sex was one thing, but long term commitment was another.

  With Callie, he was never honest with his emotions. While he believed now that it was just puppy love, he still hid the truth and that cost him. It tortured him for years, forcing him to live in hell.

  From that lesson, he tried to learn. Maybe being honest would be the better route.

  Yeah, it wasn’t.

  Luke was damned if he did and damned if he didn't. Women and Lucas Mars obviously didn't mix. There had to be some fault deep within him that they instinctually picked up.

  How else could he explain it?

  He was a disaster when it came to emotions.

  This was proof.

  Leaning back against the rock, Luke watched the ripples in the water and realized one thing.

  When this was over, he’d never come back here. Despite this once being his refuge to find peace, now it would forever be filled with memories of yet one more woman who would never feel anything for him other than friendship.

  Women didn't marry their friends, and he could never sweep anyone off their feet. Where they wanted some suave man, who could offer them a storybook romance. It was always destined to be just out of his reach. No matter how hard he fought for it, Luke knew the truth.

  It just wasn’t who he was.

  Luke had to face the cold hard reality of truth.

  He was meant to be alone for the rest of his life.

  Nothing would ever change.

  Finally, she found him.

  When Maura had exited the cabin, she found the shed behind it open. That meant that he was likely down by the water fishing.

  It spoke volumes that he was back to using his fishing pole and bait. It meant that Luke couldn’t bear to think about her.

  Yeah, she was a cold bitch, and Maura couldn’t blame him. She deserved that chill.

  As she navigated her way down to the water, she eventually found him. Luke was sitting on a cluster of boulders with a pole beside him.

  He wasn’t even fishing.

  Instead, he was staring out over the water without moving. Maura’s heart broke for him. Inadvertently, she had hurt him.

  Here was more proof. From the lost stare to the pain-filled look on his face, she needed to face the truth, no matter what the outcome.

  It was time to make this right.

  Maura headed toward him. As she approached, he was so lost in his thoughts that he never even glanced over. When she finally made it to his side, and he still didn't notice that she was there, Maura called to him.

  “Lucas?” Even saying his name hurt her heart. She never wanted to miss a day where it slipped from her lips. Maura wanted him in her life.

  He didn't even look at her.

  “Can we talk?”

  “There’s nothing to say, Maura. I don’t need you to try ease my feelings. We’re both adults here. Everything that’s been said paints a clear picture for me. I’ve been down this road before and I’m not the least bit shocked that you have no feelings for me.”

  “Lucas,” she began again.

  “No, Maura. We should probably spend today apart. I need to acclimate myself to you not being part of my life. The sex was great, but I need more. I need all.”

  So did she.

  Because her heart already belonged to him, she went for it. “I love you too.”

  Well, that had his attention.

  When he glanced over at her, there were tears in her eyes. Before he could say anything, Maura stopped him.

  “I don’t want you to think that I don’t have feelings for you. I do, Lucas Mars. In fact, I’ve never felt them before for anyone else in this world. This is all new to me, and I don’t know what to do next. I’m good at planning, but I never thought this would happen. When I look at
you, my heart skips. When you’re near me, my palms are sweaty. Every time you touch me, I know where I belong, but it wars with what my brain still holds fast to.”

  He listened to her words and didn't think she was trying to heal him. Instead, Maura was sharing the truth. That alone made his heart ache a little less. It was clear how hard she was trying to share her feelings.

  “I’m always so sure of myself and know what to do next. I’m all about the plan and implementation, and now I find myself so tripped up that I’m struggling. I didn't run away from you yesterday. I was running from me. I’m scared I can’t keep you safe from the real bad guy. Me.”

  He went to say something but she shook her head, stopping him in his tracks.

  “I’m going to screw this up. I have no doubt about that. In fact, there’s a big chance that I’ll hurt you again, but I don’t mean it. For the first time ever, I’m going to admit that I love someone. I just hope that when this is all over, you don’t end up hating me. I couldn’t live with that. I want you to know going into this that I’m a bad deal. You’re going to get hurt and I’ll be to blame.”

  Luke stood, crossing to her. “It’s not going to work if you try and do this alone, Maura. When you start something of value, it takes both people.” He knew how to make her understand. “We’re no different than your team. You don’t go into a mission alone and plan on making it. This is the same thing.”

  She stared up at him. “I don’t know how to do this. I've never been a couple before. No one’s ever mattered to me. It’s always been about the job or covering my own ass.”

  “I’ve never done this either, but I know there’s no one I would rather try to make it work with,” he offered, placing his palm on her cheek. “If we fail, we do it together, and if we make it work, it has to be the same way. I’m willing to try, but you have to be too.”

  Maura could feel her heart thumping in her chest. As his fingers touched her face, sliding slowly to cup her cheek in his palm, emotions overwhelmed her.

  “I want to try. Just don’t hate me if I do it wrong.”

  He could never do that. Not in a million years. If she drove a knife though his heart, he’d die loving her.

  Maura was meant to be his.

  He could see it when he stared into her eyes. Her soul called to his, beckoning him to link their lives together.

  Pulling her against his body, he wrapped his arms around her to keep her safe. “We can do this,” he promised. “One way or another, we’ll figure it out and make our own rules as we go.”

  Maura only hoped he was right.

  “Life isn't perfect, but with you, it will be the best thing in the world,” he whispered. “Fight for us, Maura. Fight for me.”

  At his words, she made her decision. War was hell, and this was certain to be one blood battle.

  “I promise that I will, Lucas. I swear that I always will.”

  * * * C a r t e r C h r o n i c l e s * * *

  Nate and Quinn arrived at the house that Private Marcus Westerly had once called home. From their information in his personnel file, he had put his roommate Fred Rizzo down as an emergency contact.

  Now, they were hoping that he was still living here and could give them some insight into what was happening in the man’s life before his death.

  When they knocked on the door, a redheaded man with a ton of freckles opened for them. When he saw their badges, the friendly smile slipped from place and was replaced by confusion.

  “Yes?”

  “Fred Rizzo?” Nate asked, tucking his badge back into his pocket.

  “Yeah, is something wrong? It’s not every day that the FBI comes to your house,” he said before glancing over at Quinn, “or a homicide detective.”

  “We’re sorry to bother you, but we’re investigating the death of your old roommate, Marcus Westerly. We were hoping that you could shed some light on a few things or answer our questions. Are you available?”

  Again, the man still looked confused.

  “Sure, come on in,” he offered, letting them into his house. When they were inside, both men knew it was a total bachelor pad. There was a mess all over the place, there were posters on the walls, and most of the women in them were scantily clad.

  Quinn knew this wouldn’t fly in his and Callie’s house. Not in a million years. It was probably a good thing she didn't know him when he was Fred Rizzo’s age.

  After sitting, Fred was desperate to know what was going on. “Why are you investigating his death? Is it because the story of him driving drunk is total bullshit?”

  “We want to know why you think it’s not true,” Nate said, managing to evade most of the question.

  “Well, to begin with, Marcus wasn’t a big drinker. He’d have a few, but certainly not enough to be classified as a bender. Then the part about him not wearing his seatbelt is total malarkey. The man once wouldn’t leave our driveway because I wasn’t buckled in. If anything, he was compulsive about it.”

  They made notes. So far, everything Maura had told them was spot on.

  “I miss him. He was a really good friend and a decent Marine. When he first contacted me to be my roommate, I saw what he did for a living and was hesitant. Military guys are generally sticks in the mud, and I don’t exactly run a clean place here,” he offered, motioning around the room.

  He absolutely had that right.

  “Fred, I was wondering about something. We all have hobbies, but no one can tell us what Marcus liked to do. What did he do in his down time?”

  He had to think about it.

  “Honestly, not much. Marcus was away a lot. I guess supply clerks in the Marines are busy as hell.”

  Nate glanced over at Quinn. It was obvious that the man never told his roommate his real profession.

  “All I do know is that he didn't hang out a lot here. When my girlfriend would come over, Marcus hightailed it out of here pretty fast. We would ask him to bring a date, and we could watch movies, but he’d just laugh and go out.”

  “Maybe he didn't want to be the third wheel,” Quinn offered.

  Fred looked forlorn. “I’m going to miss him. Marcus was a good dude.”

  They gave him a second.

  “Where did he like to hang out?”

  Fred laughed. “I know one secret about Marcus,” he stated.

  Both men leaned in to hear what he had to say.

  “No one knows this about him, but he told me he loved karaoke. I think it was his only vice in life.”

  The men sat back. That was incredibly anticlimactic. Here, they were hoping for something a little bit more.

  “I know that when I cleaned out his room, I found a giant jar full of matchbooks. Ninety percent of them were from the same place. You may want to head there. They might be able to tell you more than I can. I only knew that he was a supply clerk and a Marine. The rest is a mystery.”

  Yeah, if Fred only knew the half of it.

  In actuality, he didn't know his roommate at all.

  “We’ll do that,” Quinn said, standing up. “What’s the name of the place?”

  “It’s called ‘The Man Hole’. I think it’s over on Delaware in that stone building. I’ve never been there, so I’m not sure.”

  Nate held out his hand. “We can get the address. Thank you for your help.”

  “Is it possible that Marcus was there before he died?” Quinn asked. “Maybe he met someone there for karaoke?”

  Fred thought about it. “Well, he did like to go sing on Fridays. He was killed early Saturday morning, so it’s likely that he was leaving that bar.”

  That was enough for them. They would definitely be stopping by the place to check it out.

  He led them to the door, and Quinn stopped to ask one more question. “You said you packed up his things. You didn't by any chance keep them, did you?”

  Fred shook his head. “No. They would have just made me sad. I donated them to the local charities. I know Marcus would have wanted it that way. He was a rea
lly nice guy. I checked to see if he had any family first and couldn’t locate anyone. That was my only other choice. Tossing his shit in the trash just seemed very wrong.”

  Well, it looked like that was just one more dead end in an investigation where they seemed to be plentiful.

  Why were they surprised?

  They bid him farewell. They still had a few more interviews, and daylight was burning.

  “Who’s up next?” Quinn asked, getting behind the wheel of the Denali.

  “We’re visiting the old home of Bruce Mclead. Hopefully, we can find something more helpful than a bar and a karaoke obsession.”

  Quinn hoped so too. This assignment was one roadblock after another.

  * * * C a r t e r C h r o n i c l e s * * *

  Callie found herself buried in reports. When her brother requested the phone and bank records, he wanted the last two years’ worth of statements. With all their victims, that was one hell of a lot of papers to dig through.

  Not to mention, Callie was going blind from looking at endless numbers. After scanning half the work, she had noticed something interesting.

  At first it didn't register, but as she laid the papers side by side, it appeared.

  Facts didn't lie.

  Callie had found three numbers that were consistent with all the Bravo Ghost members.

  The first was the easiest to eliminate right off the top. Callie knew the number personally, since it was Maura’s personal phone number. Those same digits were in her own cell. It made perfect sense that she would be calling and texting her team.

  But then it got weird.

  The second number was on four of the seven papers. Callie had found it on Thomas Archer’s report, Brick Brighton’s, Christian Bleu’s, and lastly Redmond Churchill’s. Even more bizarre was that the time frames didn't overlap. They’d be broken up into months. If it was someone’s friend, why weren’t they calling all the men through the year? Instead, it looked to be three month increments.