by Cathryn Fox
Okay, if she doesn’t care about hockey, why then, after finding out I can’t play, is she acting so distant? Jesus Christ, was she fucking with me? Pretending to dislike the game, when in reality it means as much to her as it does to her father? And now that I’m benched, for fuck knows how long, she’s distancing herself.
Is this really fucking happening?
Every worry, every old insecurity comes rushing back in a flurry, and once again, I’m reduced to that young boy nobody wanted, that parentless hellion who was unlovable. I breathe, but it feels like fire in my chest as I fill my aching lungs. My heart pounds harder, raw against my ribcage until the room closes in on me. I lower my lids, and work to sort through everything that’s happened in the last couple weeks.
“Your family is here to see you,” Jules says, after the doctor leaves.
“Jules…” I croak out.
“I have another patient I need to check on,” she says.
“You mean torture,” I tease, a last-ditch effort to make things right between us. I search her face, search for a nugget that tells me I’m wrong here—that there is more between us and she wants to act on it as much as I do. She steps back, widening the chasm between us. Fuck, she might as well have slammed me into the boards. Okay, I get it. I get where we stand.
The empty sensation in my stomach climbs higher, and bile punches into my throat. I love this woman, and I have to make this easy on her.
“So, you and Alek,” I begin. Wait, what was that Kane said about him setting it up. I try to quiet my trembling brain and figure it out, but can’t.
“Rider,” she begins. “I don’t want to go out with Alek.”
“Oh, okay then. Well, when I’m feeling better we can hit up Nelly’s, and I’ll resume my wingman duties.” Her body goes perfectly still, and I’m not even sure she’s breathing. “Jules?”
“Yeah, okay. Sounds great,” she says, and the next thing I know, she’s gone from my room and likely my life.
I put my hand over my head, my heart somewhere in the vicinity of my throat. Everything inside me hurts, and it’s not from my concussion. No, it’s because my career could very well be over, but more importantly, the woman I love doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about her. Each breath rakes fire across my chest, and I fight the tears so hard they pound behind my eyes.
“Mom and Dad are here to see you,” Kane says and I open my eyes to see him and Lindsay coming into the room.
Keep it together, Rider.
Behind my bro and his girlfriend, I spot Marion and Arthur. Water pools in Marion’s eyes, and Arthur has his arm around her, supporting her like the great husband he is. Honestly, he’s shown us all what it’s like to be a good husband and a good father—something I desperately needed in my young life.
“Hey,” I say and try to inject a bit of enthusiasm into my voice.
Marion hurries to me. “Rider, we were so worried.”
“I’m okay,” I lie, knowing I’ll never be okay again.
Marion hugs me, and Arthur puts his hand on my shoulder. “You gave us a good scare there, son.”
“Sorry about that.”
He laughs. “When they release you, why don’t you come home with us? Marion will nurse you back to health in no time, and you’ll be back on the ice before you know it.”
I try to swallow the lump in my throat but can’t get it down. “What if I’m not?”
Arthur frowns as Kane pulls a chair up for his mother to sit. “What are you talking about?”
I turn from him. “Doc says I’ll likely be out for the rest of the season. Maybe forever…who knows.”
“Shit,” Kane says under his breath.
Yeah, shit…
“I know hockey means everything to you, Rider,” Marion says. “But your health is much more important to all of us.”
“What?” I ask, and turn to her, but when I do, the room spins.
“Easy, bro,” Kane says.
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Marion?”
“Yes,” she says quietly.
“What if…what if I never play again?”
“Then you find something else to do,” she says, like it’s an easy solution. “No matter what, we’ll be here to support you in whatever you decide.”
“Yeah?” I ask, my hands as shaky as my body as I rake my fingers through my hair.
“Of course we will,” Jaclyn says as she comes rushing in, Lucy behind her. I stare at my two younger sisters and take in Jaclyn’s snarl. “If you didn’t have a concussion, I’d smack you,” she says. She’s the one who’s always understood that I never truly felt like I was family.
“Why are you always hitting me?” I grouch.
“Because I’m your younger sister, and you’re my big stupid older brother. No matter what, family supports each other, and yes, Rider, you are family. When are you going to finally start believing that?”
“Hear how she talks to me,” I say to Marion who is laughing softly, but my heart is racing with the things I feel for this family. My family.
“Hey Lucy,” I say as she bends to give me a hug. She rubs her big tummy as she stands back up. “How are you feeling?”
“Better than you.” I laugh at that. “Now you need to rest because this little one wants her uncle healthy and happy when she’s born.”
Uncle.
“You guys really don’t care if I can never play again?” Honestly, how the fuck did I get so lucky?
“Oh, my God, I am going to smack you,” Jaclyn says and it brings a big smile to my face.
“Me too,” Lindsay says quietly and I look at her. Jesus, if looks could kill, I’d be six feet under. What did I ever do to her?
Kane sits on the edge of my bed. “Dude, you’re family. No matter what.”
“We love you for you, you big dummy,” Jaclyn says with an exaggerated eye roll.
I take in all eyes staring at me, and tears prick my eyes. “I couldn’t have asked for a better family,” I say my heart aching, for the people I have here, and for the girl I’ve lost. Marion was wrong when she said hockey was everything to me. It might have been, but as I take in all the concerned faces, I realize there is more to life than the game. More to me than my skills.
“We should let you rest,” Kane says, and everyone nods in agreement.
I get a dozen kisses from the girls and everyone files out, everyone except Lindsay, who is staring at me, her arms folded, anger in her eyes.
“Uh, everything okay?” I ask.
“Of course not.” She steps closer. “What did you say to Jules?”
“I…” God, just hearing her name is ripping me wide open. “What are you talking about?”
“She left your room crying.”
My pulse jumps and I try to sit up. “I…why was she crying?”
“You obviously said something to hurt her?”
“I’d never do anything to hurt her, Lindsay. I love her,” I blurt out without thinking.
“I know you do,” she says, and Kane comes back into the room.
“We all know you do,” he says.
I frown. “You do?”
“Of course,” Lindsay says, exasperated. “That’s why Kane and I let you believe Alek was interested in her.”
“I don’t get it.”
“No surprise there,” Lindsay says, and shakes her head. Okay I get it she thinks I’m dense, and I can’t disagree with her on that one. “Look, Rider. You love her, she loves you and we had to do something to push you both past your fears so you’d fight for each other.”
Sweat breaks out on my body. “What?” I ask, as my mind slows, the tumblers falling into place. “Oh, shit.” I’ve spent years feeling like an outsider in Kane’s family, thinking that I was only loved because of hockey. But Jules, well, Jules loved and lost, and has demons of her own.
“She loves you, Rider,” Lindsay says quietly. “Seeing you like this scared her half to death, but I know she’s tired of being afraid. She’s ready t
o take a chance on life, a chance on love…a chance on you.”
“I fucked everything up.”
“Yeah, you did.”
I lay back and stare at the ceiling. “She must hate me.”
“Then go fix it,” Kane says.
15
Jules
“Why are we here?” I groan and glance around Nelly’s bar, which is crazy busy tonight. For a second, I think I see one of Rider’s teammates and then another. I must be hallucinating. I’ve never seen them here before, so why would they all show up tonight? Honestly though, this is the last place I want to be. It reminds me too much of Rider and all the great times we had together. That man…the things he did to me, taught me, the way I opened up under his care.
Get it together, girl.
“Because I’m tired of you moping around your place.” Lindsay toys with her straw. “You need to get out and meet people…meet guys.”
“I don’t want to meet anyone,” I say. How can Lindsay possibly think I can go out with a guy when my heart belongs to another? It’s been a week—the longest week of my life—since Rider woke up in that hospital bed. The doctors had run some tests, and chances are he’s home by now. Not that I know for certain, and I’m not about to ask Lindsay. After he was admitted, I took a much-needed vacation—I just couldn’t face him every day after he pushed me away. As he rested, his team played their next game without him, and won. I’m thankful for that and I really hope Rider gets a clean bill of health so he can play the season’s last few games. I know how important hockey is to him. It comes before everything else.
“How about that guy over there?” Lindsay says and points to Tate. “He looks like your type.”
“Rider’s his type,” I say, and curse myself for saying his name out loud, for loving the way it sounds on my tongue.
Lindsay makes a face. “Huh?”
“Rider was my wingman, remember?” I remind her. “He set me up with that guy and all he did was talk about Rider until I sent our safe word.”
“Safe word?”
“If a date went bad, we texted ‘karaoke’ to each other. Rider was big on safety.” I smile and then shake it off. I need to stop thinking about him for my own mental health. I take a huge drink of my wine and nearly finish it off in record time.
“Kane’s here,” Lindsay says and waves him over.
I’m not too worried about Rider being with him. No way would he be up and out this soon. He took one hell of a hit to the head. Lindsay stands and gives Kane a kiss and my heart pinches. I’m so happy for them.
“Hey Jules,” Kane says, and plops down next to me.
“Kane,” I say and force a smile.
“So you and Alek,” he says and Lindsay gives him a grin.
Oh hell no! This has to stop and has to stop now.
“There is no me and Alek.”
“Yet,” he says. “He’s here, a bunch of guys from the team are, and I thought I’d be your wing man.”
“No, please, don’t.”
Before I can stop him, he stands and speaks to someone behind me. Mortified, I hunch forward and stare at the few drops left in my drink, willing all this to just go away.
“So yeah,” he says to whoever it is hovering close. “I’ve found myself with two women tonight, and since I’m a one girl kind of guy, I thought you might like to help me out.”
“Ground open up and swallow me whole,” I murmur. I play with my phone, and resist the urge to type out ‘karaoke.’ That thought makes me laugh. Rider is laid up and not about to come to my rescue. Heck, maybe I should go out with other guys, maybe that will help me forget Rider once and for all.
“You’ve got no game, bro,” the familiar voice says from behind.
I stand so fast, my chair topples and Rider grabs it. He moves it aside so there is nothing between us but space and tension.
“What…what’s going on?” I ask my gaze going back and forth between Rider, Kane and Lindsay.
“What’s going on is my bro here has no game.” Kane reaches for Lindsay’s hand. She gives me a knowing smile as they disappear into the crowd. “It’s a good thing I showed up when I did,” Rider says. “My bro sucks at being a good wingman and you could have been on a date with that guy,” he says, and points to some random dude at the bar.
I eye him for a second, remembering the game we played when we first met. “Too much hair gel,” I say, my heart crashing against my ribs. What exactly is going on here? I’m not sure, have no idea really, but I’ll play along for now. “If he leans in for a kiss, he’s liable to put my eye out.”
“You’re right,” he says producing his adorable dimple when he grins at me.
“And you might have been set up with her,” I say, and gesture to the tall blonde swaying her hips on the dance floor.
“Her legs are far too long.” He shakes his head and frowns. “Our kids would have been disproportionate.”
“Whew, dodged a bullet there,” I say, and wipe my brow.
“And that guy,” Rider says, gesturing with a nod as he steps closer his warm scent falling over me. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to throw myself at him. “You would have needed your safe word with him.”
“He does kind of look like he keeps his ex in the freezer, doesn’t he?”
Rider laughs out loud, and the tension drains from my body. “I’ve missed you,” he says, his voice so low and soft it seeps under my skin and wraps around my shattered heart. My pulse picks up tempo and the room sways as my blood drains to my feet.
“Rider, we can’t…” I wave my hand back and forth between our bodies. “…go back to this,” I say and take a small step back, his entire presence overwhelming me and making it hard to breathe. “I just…can’t.” My heart is already broken.
He shakes his head. “Good, I don’t want to, either. I don’t want to be friends with benefits anymore. In fact, I don’t even want to be your friend.”
My heart fractures a little more. My God, had he come here tonight just to be cruel to me? I back up even more, and that last glass of wine begins to fog my thoughts. “I…why?”
He doesn’t even want to be friends anymore?
He exhales loudly and shakes his head. “I’m an idiot.”
“I know.”
“Hey,” he says feigning offense. “You didn’t have to agree that fast.” I sniff, and hug myself. “So, Alek—”
I cut him off. “Why the hell is everyone trying to set me up with Alek?” I cry out.
He looks down at his feet for a brief second. “I used to wonder that too.”
Okay, none of this is making sense. Maybe his concussion is making him say crazy things. “I think you should go home, Rider. Go back to bed.”
“Kane and Lindsay were behind Alek.”
“What? What do you mean behind Alek? And Lindsay never said a word.”
“Yeah, I know. Apparently, they thought if I saw you with another guy, it would smarten me up. Smarten you up, too.”
I stare at him. Okay, now I really am worried about him. “Rider I think you should sit down.”
“Nurses!” he exclaims and throws his hands up.
“Hockey players,” I shoot back.
“I don’t need to sit down, but we do need to talk.” He takes my hands, all humor gone from his face. “When Alek touched you, I saw red. I wanted to kill him.”
“What are you saying?”
“I spent my whole life thinking I wasn’t good enough. That people only like me because of hockey.”
I give a slow nod, and my heart hurts for the little boy no one wanted, a little boy who grew up to be a fun-loving, sensitive, man—who doesn’t want me like I want him. “You’re wrong, you know,” I say quietly.
“I know. I am wrong.” My head jerks up at that admission. “But after waking up in the hospital bed, and seeing how distant you were suddenly acting—”
“Rider, no,” I say quickly to shut him down. “You don’t understand. I was terrified. When
you went down and blacked out, old hurts and memories bombarded me…” He puts his arms around me, and unable to stop them, tears drench my face. He gently wipes them away. “I was so scared, Rider. You were the first guy I’d opened myself to in a long time. I’d been shut off, afraid to live, love and lose again, but that all changed with you.” I put my arms around him, holding him to me, needing to feel his strong heartbeat against my cheek. “… and when you blacked out…scariest moment of my life.”
“You love me?”
“Of course I love you. I wanted to tell you that the last time we were together in my bed. But then you talked about setting me up with a teammate.” At that realization, I push away. My heart aches in my chest as tears soak my face. “I thought there was more between us. Now you don’t even want to be my friend.”
“That’s because I want to be more, Jules. I want to be your best friend, your partner, your husband, the father of your kids.” I stand there staring at him, sure I’m hearing things. My knees nearly give and I grip the back of the chair to hold on. “I know this isn’t the time or place, but maybe it is since we met here.” He pulls something from his pocket. “I was an idiot. I fell in love with you the second I met you. You’re fun, funny, sexy as hell, kind, and giving. You spend your life taking care of others, and if you’ll let me, I want to spend mine taking care of you the way you need. I used to think hockey was the most important thing in my life, and now I’m not so sure I will ever play again, but one thing I can’t do is go in to the future without you by my side.”
I hear a small squeal and glance up to see a crowd forming—his teammates and their wives—and Lindsay has her hands to her cheeks, happy tears in her eyes. “Kane and Lindsay were right.”