by G J Morgan
My cell buzzed. Tom telling me I looked beautiful, that it was a nice evening for a walk. I thought briefly about his invitation, jumping over the fence, giving him a hug, letting him take my hand as we walked through the meadows and fields. I hadn’t seen him in days, I wanted his company again, but it would only make things harder. I decided not to reply, turned my cell off, concentrated on my clothes piles.
“Close the window, Lilly. The last thing I need right now is a draught. Here, get this down you.” She passed me my drink.
“What is it?”
“Berroca for you. Lemsip for me.”
“Still not feeling great, then?”
“Can only breathe through one nostril but apart from that, I’m fine. Trust me to get a blocked nose during a mini heatwave.” She looked around the room. “Looks far more bedroom than clearance sale now, doesn’t it?” She sat at the end of my bed. “Now, the majority of your clothes I’ve sent back to LA. But obviously we’ll take your main suitcases with us to New York. If you need anything in particular I’ll send someone to get it for you.”
I nodded.
“Why, thank you, Sally,” she said dramatically. “Thanks for organizing it all for me. Thanks for spending several hours organizing it for me, Sally,” rolling her eyes.
“It is your job, you know.”
“What, sorting out your dirty laundry? I don’t think that was ever in the job description.”
“You know you love it, Sally. I’ve never met anyone who loves multi-tasking as much as you. You ever thought about being a wedding planner?”
“Not till recently.” She smiled. “Probably pays better. And I’d take a Bridezilla over an actress any day of the week.”
“Sally, what am I going back to?”
“Back to?”
“America. What am I going back to when I land? Just so I know what to expect. Is it still me and Max?”
“Afraid so. Don’t think that will go away soon either.”
“Why?”
“Well, neither of you are talking. Without answers the press like to make up their own.”
“And what answers are they giving?”
“Depends if they are Team Lilly or Team Max. Depends on who they class as the victim. At the minute, the majority are siding with Max.”
“Why?”
“He’s declaring his love for you.”
“He’s what?”
“Doesn’t seem interested in other girls. Anytime you come up, he’s nothing but gushing praise.”
“You spoke to him recently?”
“No actually, which is unusual for him. Do you want me to call him?”
“No, let him do whatever he is scheming.”
“Well, whatever scheme you think he is plotting it’s certainly working to our advantage. You’ll both do well in all of this.”
“We’re Taylor and Burton. Is that what you are saying?”
“If you are both clever enough.”
“Sally, this isn’t a chess game for me. This is my life.”
“I know, Lilly. And I intend to make it the best life it can be.”
“With Max or without?”
“Lilly, can I be honest with you?”
“You’re asking my permission now. Wow.”
“Lilly, the fact of the matter is, as much as I hate to say it, Lilly Goodridge on her own is not as interesting or as marketable as when it’s Lilly and Max.”
“I’m not interesting on my own. Is that what you are saying?”
“I’m just telling you the truth, Lilly. You and Max need to work as a team, if you want to sustain a long and prosperous career.”
“We’re not on the same fucking team, Sally!”
“Doesn’t matter. As long as you are both playing the game then everyone wins.”
“I don’t believe this. I’m going to grab a shower. Get ready for tonight.”
“Oh yes, the wrap party. Where is it again?”
“I’ve got it written down somewhere.”
“What will you wear?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“Shall I pick you something out?” going over to my clothes rail.
“Sally, I’m sure I can dress myself.”
“I only help you do this because I care,” already passing me hangers to try on.
“Your care sounds more like control.”
“That’s not fair. I care for you like you were one of my own.”
“But I’m not yours.”
“Lilly, don’t be like that.”
“I’ll be ready in an hour. Shiny and sparkly just like you want me to be.”
“I give up with you sometimes. I really do.” She stormed out.
Thirty minute later she was straightening my hair. Neither of us talking.
26
“Well as long as you feel up to it, Mum. It isn’t a requirement for Molly’s day to be so hectic.”
“I do for it the both of us, Tom. I don’t like being housebound either.”
“Just don’t tire yourself out. A few hours watching TV isn’t going to harm her. Or you.”
“OK, less of me and my frailties. How’s things with Lilly? Still all doom and gloom?”
“Afraid so. She’s… ”
“Wait a sec, Tom. My name is being called from upstairs. I think someone is still constipated.” Mum put the phone down. I couldn’t quite make out the exchange but it sounded important, I heard clapping
“What’s the big news?” I said, intrigued. “Sounded celebratory. Has she gone for a shit finally?”
“No, but she has just sat on it. In the last two days, she’s gone from being petrified of it, to sitting on the potty. I’m very optimistic that any day now and she’ll do the deed.”
“Tell her she’s a good girl. Text me when she finally does.”
“She better go for a poo soon, otherwise I’ll have to take her to doctor’s. I might feed her fig syrup, that will get things flowing in the right direction. You were saying about Lilly and your disagreement.”
“Nothing to report. Still the same.”
“She’s probably finding the whole thing difficult. Just let her do things at her own speed.”
“Mum, it’s Thursday. She flies back on Sunday. That’s three days. We haven’t got time to take things slow.”
“It’s only America. The world is a small place these days. Just because you’ll live on different continents doesn’t mean it won’t work. In this modern age, especially.”
“Being a voice on the end of a phone would hardly be a relationship.”
“Then you need to act fast, Tom. Talk to her.”
“I’ve tried. I message her every day, but she barely responds.”
“Then you must think of a way of getting in front of her so she has to respond.”
“I can’t just knock on her door. Not anymore. I don’t know who would answer.”
“You’re creative, Tom. I’m sure you’ll find a way. Is there no way you speak to her face to face?”
“Not without Frank and Sally around. I’ll think of something.”
“You always do.”
“Any news from Cassie’s folks? Any letters?”
“Sorry nothing here.”
“I don’t like how quiet it’s gone their end.”
“There’s probably a logical explanation for it. I wouldn’t worry yourself about it.”
“Lou might be mad I rejected his invitation.”
“Would you still reject it now? Since the whole Lilly situation.”
“Florida isn’t Hollywood. Might be the same continent, but it still would be too far.”
“I still don’t see why you and Molly can’t just move back to LA.”
“I told you, Mum. I haven’t enough money to st
art over.”
“Tom, your girlfriend is a multi-millionaire probably.”
“One, she isn’t my girlfriend and two, I’m not no freeloader.”
“Better to be a freeloader, then lose her forever. I get the impression money has nothing to do with it. Even if you had the money, you still wouldn’t.”
“I would.”
“Well, prove me wrong, Tom, prove me wrong. What is there for you here? I don’t think staying put sounds that attractive either. You need to find a town or city. Scunthorpe, Grimsby, Sheffield, somewhere with a heartbeat, somewhere where you can find decent work.”
“No, Mum. That isn’t an option. I can’t leave you, not with how you are.”
“What if we move together? The three of us.”
“Seriously?”
“I’ve lived here long enough. The house drives me mad now, too many things I dislike and I haven’t the time or the money to change them. I’m bored of the quiet, too. Need a bit more noise and excitement and youth.”
“Mum. You need to rest. You’re still not 100% well.”
“I’m sure they have cancer in these other cities too, they’ll know how to deal with it.”
“Mum stop saying cancer. We don’t even know it’s cancer yet.”
“Well anyway one hospital ward is no different than the other. Besides if I’m going to be stuck in bed, I’d rather be stuck with a different view for a change and not that bloody pond.”
“We’ll see. Let me get home and unpack my suitcase before we start selling up.”
“Oh, and remember later tomorrow I’m going to hospital again. Different doctor this time.”
“What time?”
“Four. Don’t worry, I’ve Molly sorted, she’s staying over at next door’s.”
“I should be home, Mum. I hate the fact I’m not home.”
“I’m fine, Tom. They said I’ll be in and out. Can you tell Lilly I finally got around to watching one of her films the other night? It was on late on Channel 4, had to record it, watched it in two halves. Loved the film, really sad in parts, especially the ending. Beautifully shot, a lot of breasts too.”
“Sad endings and semi-nudity is her forte.”
“Make sure you tell her.”
“If she speaks to me.”
“Have you told her about Cassie yet?”
“I have.”
“You still mad at me? I genuinely thought she already knew.”
“No. I should have told her way before you did. Surprised she didn’t run a mile.”
“But she didn’t, Tom. Take solace in that. She didn’t run.”
“Not till Sunday. Then she’ll run a mile. More miles than I can count.”
“I bet my left nipple she doesn’t.” I heard a cry. “Tom, I better go, I think Molly’s tummy’s hurting again. I better see to her. Call me later, OK?”
“Will do. Give her a kiss from me.”
Mum hung up the phone, I made myself a coffee, turned on the laptop, started browsing through airline websites, scrolling through the cheapest flights to LA, pretending I had the balls to do anything apart from watching Lilly leave.
27
“Jon. Can I ask you a question?”
“Why of course, young lady,” he said, cutting his scallop in half.
“You’ve never actually told me why you cast me for this role?”
“And darling, why would you want to know a thing like that?”
“Humour me please. Another anecdote you can add to your list.”
He looked to the ceiling, squinting his eyes like it was up there somewhere. “If memory serves, there was no audition.”
“Not a good sign so far.”
“Don’t take it personally. I did a shed load of crazy substances in the eighties; my long-term memory is nearly as bad as my short. Can I try some of your bouillabaisse?”
“Had you seen any of my movies?”
“I think it needs a bit more salt,” he said, taking his spoon to my bowl. “Everything in this restaurant needs salt. Seasoning must be contraband in this part of England. What was the question again? No, I hadn’t I’m afraid.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Don’t look so glum. If truth be told, Lilly, there wasn’t much thought process. Someone handed me a list of potentials for the role and I picked you.”
“Based on?”
“Based on merit of course. Even though I hadn’t seen your movies didn’t mean I was incapable of reading. I knew your reputation, what you were capable of. I knew how much the screen loved you.” He poured some more wine for himself and then me. “What have I said?”
“Nothing I didn’t already know.”
“Don’t think for one minute I’m belittling your talent, darling. You have a naivety and a power that can never be taught. You either have that or you don’t. And you have that star quality, Lilly. You do.”
“But can I act?”
“You don’t need to act, darling. You’re you.”
“I’m an actress, Jon. I get paid to act.”
“You get paid because people want to watch you, there is a big difference. You focus too much on your limitations. You just need to work with good directors with good scripts. The rest will come naturally.”
“I’m typecast,” I smiled.
“Again, you’re focusing on the negative, sweetie. Some of the most well-known faces in cinema were typecast, and all the better for it. You think an audience wants to see Stallone in tailcoat and breeches, Jon Wayne flying a spaceship? Take Chris Rogan for God’s sake, look at him.” We both peered across the table at him, he was mid-soup. “For all his failings, he knows his place in the game. Knows what the audience wants. Bravery and biceps.”
“But an audience must like actors who can adapt, transform for a role, come out of their comfort zone.”
“It’s all balls and a complete ego trip, a fad. Losing weight, putting on weight, beautiful women making themselves ugly. It will pass, I assure you.” He put his knife and fork down. “What’s brought all this on, Lilly? All this self-doubt?”
“Ignore me. Let’s talk about something else.”
“You still having a bad time in the press?”
“No, they’ve left me alone for the time being. Just been thinking about my career lots. Don’t quite know what to do next. Doesn’t help that I’ve done such a bad job for you.”
“If you think you’ve done a bad job, darling, then that is an error on my part as well as yours. My type of direction doesn’t suit everyone.”
“I know when I’ve given something my everything. And I haven’t given that to you.”
“You’re too harsh on yourself.”
“I’m my worst critic.”
“The only criticism that hurts is the criticism you agree with. Here, have some more wine.”
“I think I might quit, Jon.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I’ve thought about it a lot recently. Go back to dancing. Go back to drop-in centres. Help people. Quit whilst I still have some dignity.”
“Dignity is overrated. Though you must do what you must. It would be a crying shame of course.”
“I know it sounds like madness. But deep down I know it’s the right choice. There’s other things now I want to focus my life on. People I want to spend my time with.”
“Then I shall call a toast. A quiet toast between me and you.”
“Don’t, you’ll make me cry, Jon.”
He leant in across the table, almost nose to nose. “Do anything, Lilly, but let it produce joy.” And we clinked our glasses.
“Is that one of your own again, Jon?”
“Not this time, Lilly. Can’t take the credit for that one. Good luck, Lilly. I mean that. In whatever you do.”
The waiter came over and started taking o
ur plates away.
“I’m going to grab some fresh air.” I got up from my chair. “Make some room for my blade of beef.”
“I’ll order us some more Barolo. Hopefully you’ll go out retired and come back an actress again.”
“Jon. The way my brain is at the moment, that wouldn’t surprise me.”
* * *
Outside I lit up another cigarette. I was being naughty, I blamed the girls, once I was offered one on arrival, it was always going to become two. I could think of more favourable places to smoke, but a few paparazzi had set up camp out by the front, so the manager had kindly let me use the staff hang-out, instead of festoon lights and heat lamps I was out amongst the bins, the sound of chefs and the smell of cooking. Another type of backstage.
I was glad I came in the end. I nearly didn’t, had to drag myself, but like most nights doomed from the start, after a cork had been popped I soon forgot my bad mood.
I took one last drag, stubbed the butt under my shoe, about to go back inside.
“Hey, Lilly.”
I turned around. It was Tom. White shirt, black tie.
“What the fuck? You made me jump.”
“Sorry.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Would you believe me if I said it was a coincidence?”
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m eating here too. I’m sat a couple of tables away from you. Table for one in the corner. It must look so depressing.”
“You’re spying on me.”
“I just wanted to see you.”
“You could’ve just asked to see me. You don’t need to sneak around.”
“I’m sorry if this looks bad. I only had good intentions. Can we please talk? Not now, but after the meal. I think we both have things we need to say face to face, not over the phone.”