Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

by Mark Twain

  CHAPTER XIV.

  BY and by, when we got up, we turned over the truck the gang had stoleoff of the wreck, and found boots, and blankets, and clothes, and allsorts of other things, and a lot of books, and a spyglass, and threeboxes of seegars. ?We hadn't ever been this rich before in neither ofour lives. ?The seegars was prime. ?We laid off all the afternoon in thewoods talking, and me reading the books, and having a general goodtime. I told Jim all about what happened inside the wreck and at theferryboat, and I said these kinds of things was adventures; but he saidhe didn't want no more adventures. ?He said that when I went in thetexas and he crawled back to get on the raft and found her gone henearly died, because he judged it was all up with _him_ anyway it couldbe fixed; for if he didn't get saved he would get drownded; and if hedid get saved, whoever saved him would send him back home so as to getthe reward, and then Miss Watson would sell him South, sure. ?Well, hewas right; he was most always right; he had an uncommon level head for anigger.

  I read considerable to Jim about kings and dukes and earls and such, andhow gaudy they dressed, and how much style they put on, and called eachother your majesty, and your grace, and your lordship, and so on, 'steadof mister; and Jim's eyes bugged out, and he was interested. ?He says:

  "I didn' know dey was so many un um. ?I hain't hearn 'bout none un um,skasely, but ole King Sollermun, onless you counts dem kings dat's in apack er k'yards. ?How much do a king git?"

  "Get?" ?I says; "why, they get a thousand dollars a month if they wantit; they can have just as much as they want; everything belongs tothem."

  "_Ain'_ dat gay? ?En what dey got to do, Huck?"

  "_They_ don't do nothing! ?Why, how you talk! They just set around."

  "No; is dat so?"

  "Of course it is. ?They just set around--except, maybe, when there's awar; then they go to the war. ?But other times they just lazy around; orgo hawking--just hawking and sp--Sh!--d' you hear a noise?"

  We skipped out and looked; but it warn't nothing but the flutter of asteamboat's wheel away down, coming around the point; so we come back.

  "Yes," says I, "and other times, when things is dull, they fuss with theparlyment; and if everybody don't go just so he whacks their heads off.But mostly they hang round the harem."

  "Roun' de which?"

  "Harem."

  "What's de harem?"

  "The place where he keeps his wives. ?Don't you know about the harem?Solomon had one; he had about a million wives."

  "Why, yes, dat's so; I--I'd done forgot it. ?A harem's a bo'd'n-house, Ireck'n. ?Mos' likely dey has rackety times in de nussery. ?En I reck'nde wives quarrels considable; en dat 'crease de racket. ?Yit dey saySollermun de wises' man dat ever live'. ?I doan' take no stock indat. Bekase why: would a wise man want to live in de mids' er sich ablim-blammin' all de time? ?No--'deed he wouldn't. ?A wise man 'ud takeen buil' a biler-factry; en den he could shet _down_ de biler-factrywhen he want to res'."

  "Well, but he _was_ the wisest man, anyway; because the widow she toldme so, her own self."

  "I doan k'yer what de widder say, he _warn't_ no wise man nuther. ?Hehad some er de dad-fetchedes' ways I ever see. ?Does you know 'bout datchile dat he 'uz gwyne to chop in two?"

  "Yes, the widow told me all about it."

  "_Well_, den! ?Warn' dat de beatenes' notion in de worl'? ?You jes'take en look at it a minute. ?Dah's de stump, dah--dat's one er de women;heah's you--dat's de yuther one; I's Sollermun; en dish yer dollar bill'sde chile. ?Bofe un you claims it. ?What does I do? ?Does I shin aroun'mongs' de neighbors en fine out which un you de bill _do_ b'long to, enhan' it over to de right one, all safe en soun', de way dat anybody dathad any gumption would? ?No; I take en whack de bill in _two_, en givehalf un it to you, en de yuther half to de yuther woman. ?Dat's de waySollermun was gwyne to do wid de chile. ?Now I want to ast you: ?what'sde use er dat half a bill?--can't buy noth'n wid it. ?En what use is ahalf a chile? ?I wouldn' give a dern for a million un um."

  "But hang it, Jim, you've clean missed the point--blame it, you've missedit a thousand mile."

  "Who? ?Me? ?Go 'long. ?Doan' talk to me 'bout yo' pints. ?I reck'n Iknows sense when I sees it; en dey ain' no sense in sich doin's asdat. De 'spute warn't 'bout a half a chile, de 'spute was 'bout a wholechile; en de man dat think he kin settle a 'spute 'bout a whole chilewid a half a chile doan' know enough to come in out'n de rain. ?Doan'talk to me 'bout Sollermun, Huck, I knows him by de back."

  "But I tell you you don't get the point."

  "Blame de point! ?I reck'n I knows what I knows. ?En mine you, de _real_pint is down furder--it's down deeper. ?It lays in de way Sollermun wasraised. ?You take a man dat's got on'y one or two chillen; is dat mangwyne to be waseful o' chillen? ?No, he ain't; he can't 'ford it. ?_He_know how to value 'em. ?But you take a man dat's got 'bout five millionchillen runnin' roun' de house, en it's diffunt. ?_He_ as soon chop achile in two as a cat. Dey's plenty mo'. ?A chile er two, mo' er less,warn't no consekens to Sollermun, dad fatch him!"

  I never see such a nigger. ?If he got a notion in his head once, therewarn't no getting it out again. ?He was the most down on Solomon ofany nigger I ever see. ?So I went to talking about other kings, and letSolomon slide. ?I told about Louis Sixteenth that got his head cut offin France long time ago; and about his little boy the dolphin, thatwould a been a king, but they took and shut him up in jail, and some sayhe died there.

  "Po' little chap."

  "But some says he got out and got away, and come to America."

  "Dat's good! ?But he'll be pooty lonesome--dey ain' no kings here, isdey, Huck?"

  "No."

  "Den he cain't git no situation. ?What he gwyne to do?"

  "Well, I don't know. ?Some of them gets on the police, and some of themlearns people how to talk French."

  "Why, Huck, doan' de French people talk de same way we does?"

  "_No_, Jim; you couldn't understand a word they said--not a single word."

  "Well, now, I be ding-busted! ?How do dat come?"

  "I don't know; but it's so. ?I got some of their jabber out of a book.S'pose a man was to come to you and say Polly-voo-franzy--what would youthink?"

  "I wouldn' think nuff'n; I'd take en bust him over de head--dat is, if hewarn't white. ?I wouldn't 'low no nigger to call me dat."

  "Shucks, it ain't calling you anything. ?It's only saying, do you knowhow to talk French?"

  "Well, den, why couldn't he _say_ it?"

  "Why, he _is_ a-saying it. ?That's a Frenchman's _way_ of saying it."

  "Well, it's a blame ridicklous way, en I doan' want to hear no mo' 'boutit. ?Dey ain' no sense in it."

  "Looky here, Jim; does a cat talk like we do?"

  "No, a cat don't."

  "Well, does a cow?"

  "No, a cow don't, nuther."

  "Does a cat talk like a cow, or a cow talk like a cat?"

  "No, dey don't."

  "It's natural and right for 'em to talk different from each other, ain'tit?"

  "Course."

  "And ain't it natural and right for a cat and a cow to talk differentfrom _us_?"

  "Why, mos' sholy it is."

  "Well, then, why ain't it natural and right for a _Frenchman_ to talkdifferent from us? ?You answer me that."

  "Is a cat a man, Huck?"

  "No."

  "Well, den, dey ain't no sense in a cat talkin' like a man. ?Is a cow aman?--er is a cow a cat?"

  "No, she ain't either of them."

  "Well, den, she ain't got no business to talk like either one er theyuther of 'em. ?Is a Frenchman a man?"

  "Yes."

  "_Well_, den! ?Dad blame it, why doan' he _talk_ like a man? ?You answerme _dat_!"

  I see it warn't no use wasting words--you can't learn a nigger to argue.So I quit.