Bad Medicine pte-9

by Robert Sheckley

  "This might," Rath broke in inexorably, "be considered a case of gross criminal negligence."

  Both the manager and the clerk exchanged horrified looks. They were thinking of the General Motors Reformatory outside of Detroit, where Company offenders passed their days in sullen silence, monotonously drawing microcircuits for pocket television sets.

  "However, that is out of my jurisdiction," Rath said. He turned his baleful gaze full upon Haskins. "You are certain that the customer never mentioned his name?"

  "No, sir. I mean yes, I'm sure," Haskins replied rattledly.

  "Did he mention any names at all?"

  Haskins plunged his face into his hands. He looked up and said eagerly,

  "Yes! He wanted to kill someone! A friend of his!"

  "Who?" Rath asked, with terrible patience.

  "The friend's name was—let me think—Magneton! That was it! Magneton! Or was it

  Morrison? Oh, dear…."

  Mr. Rath's iron face registered a rather corrugated disgust. People were useless as witnesses. Worse than useless, since they were frequently misleading. For reliability, give him a robot every time.

  "Didn't he mention anything significant?"

  "Let me think!" Haskins said, his face twisting into a fit of concentration.

  Rath waited.

  Mr. Follansby cleared his throat. "I was just thinking, Mr. Rath. About that Martian machine. It won't treat a Terran homicidal case as homicidal, will it?"

  "Of course not. Homicide is unknown on Mars."

  "Yes. But what will it do? Might it not reject the entire case as unsuitable? Then the customer would merely return the Regenerator with a complaint and we would—"

  Mr. Rath shook his head. "The Rex Regenerator must treat if it finds evidence of psychosis. By Martian standards, the customer is a very sick man, a psychotic—no matter what is wrong with him."

  Follansby removed his pince-nez and polished them rapidly. "What will the machine do, then?"

  "It will treat him for the Martian illness most analogous to his case. Feem desire, I should imagine, with various complications. As for what will happen once treatment begins, I don't know. I doubt whether anyone knows, since it has never happened before. Offhand, I would say there are two major alternatives: the patient may reject the therapy out of hand, in which case he is left with his homicidal mania unabated. Or he may accept the Martian therapy and reach a cure."

  Mr. Follansby's face brightened. "Ah! A cure is possible!"

  "You don't understand," Rath said. "He may effect a cure of his nonexistent Martian psychosis. But to cure something that is not there is, in effect, to erect a gratuitous delusional system. You might say that the machine would work in reverse, producing psychosis instead of removing it."

  Mr. Follansby groaned and leaned against a Bell Psychosomatica.

  "The result," Rath summed up, "would be to convince the customer that he was a Martian. A sane Martian, naturally."

  Haskins suddenly shouted, "I remember! I remember now! He said he worked for the New York Rapid Transit Corporation! I remember distinctly!"

  "That's a break," Rath said, reaching for the telephone.

  Haskins wiped his perspiring face in relief. "And I just remembered something else that should make it easier still."

  "What?"

  "The customer said he had been an alcoholic at one time. I'm sure of it, because he was interested at first in the IBM Alcoholic Reliever, until I talked him out of it. He had red hair, you know, and I've had a theory for some time about red-headedness and alcoholism. It seems—"

  "Excellent," Rath said. "Alcoholism will be on his records. It narrows the search considerably."

  As he dialed the NYRT Corporation, the expression on his craglike face was almost pleasant.

  It was good, for a change, to find that a human could retain some significant facts.

  — — — — —

  "But surely you remember your goricae?" the Regenerator was saying.

  "No," Caswell answered wearily.

  "Tell me, then, about your juvenile experiences with the thorastrian fleep."

  "Never had any."

  "Hmm. Blockage," muttered the machine. "Resentment. Repression. Are you sure you don't remember your goricae and what it meant to you? The experience is universal."

  "Not for me," Caswell said, swallowing a yawn.

  He had been undergoing mechanotherapy for close to four hours and it struck him as futile. For a while, he had talked voluntarily about his childhood, his mother and father, his older brother. But the Regenerator had asked him to put aside those fantasies. The patient's relationships to an imaginary parent or sibling, it explained, were unworkable and of minor importance psychologically. The important thing was the patient's feelings—both revealed and repressed—toward his goricae.

  "Aw, look," Caswell complained, "I don't even know what a goricae is."

  "Of course you do. You just won't let yourself know."

  "I don't know. Tell me."

  "It would be better if you told me."

  "How can I?" Caswell raged. "I don't know!"

  "What do you imagine a goricae would be?"

  "A forest fire," Caswell said. "A salt tablet. A jar of denatured alcohol. A small screwdriver. Am I getting warm? A notebook. A revolver—"

  "These associations are meaningful," the Regenerator assured him. "Your attempt at randomness shows a clearly underlying pattern. Do you begin to recognize it?"

  "What in hell is a goricae?" Caswell roared.

  "The tree that nourished you during infancy, and well into puberty, if my theory about you is correct. Inadvertently, the goricae stifled your necessary rejection of the feem desire. This in turn gave rise to your present urge to dwark someone in a vlendish manner."

  "No tree nourished me."

  "You cannot recall the experience?"

  "Of course not. It never happened."

  "You are sure of that?"

  "Positive."

  "Not even the tiniest bit of doubt?"

  "No! No goricae ever nourished me. Look, I can break off these sessions at any time, right?"

  "Of course," the Regenerator said. "But it would not be advisable at this moment. You are expressing anger, resentment, fear. By your rigidly summary rejection—"

  "Nuts," said Caswell, and pulled off the headband.

  — — — — —

  The silence was wonderful. Caswell stood up, yawned, stretched and massaged the back of his neck. He stood in front of the humming black machine and gave it a long leer.

  "You couldn't cure me of a common cold," he told it.

  Stiffly he walked the length of the living room and returned to the

  Regenerator.

  "Lousy fake!" he shouted.

  Caswell went into the kitchen and opened a bottle of beer. His revolver was still on the table, gleaming dully.

  Magnessen! You unspeakable treacherous filth! You fiend incarnate! You inhuman, hideous monster! Someone must destroy you, Magnessen! Someone….

  Someone? He himself would have to do it. Only he knew the bottomless depths of Magnessen's depravity, his viciousness, his disgusting lust for power.

  Yes, it was his duty, Caswell thought. But strangely, the knowledge brought him no pleasure.

  After all, Magnessen was his friend.

  He stood up, ready for action. He tucked the revolver into his right-hand coat pocket and glanced at the kitchen clock. Nearly six-thirty. Magnessen would be home now, gulping his dinner, grinning over his plans.

  This was the perfect time to take him.

  Caswell strode to the door, opened it, started through, and stopped.

  A thought had crossed his mind, a thought so tremendously involved, so meaningful, so far-reaching in its implications that he was stirred to his depths. Caswell tried desperately to shake off the knowledge it brought. But the thought, permanently etched upon his memory, would not depart.

  Under the circumstances, he could do only
one thing.

  He returned to the living room, sat down on the couch and slipped on the headband.

  The Regenerator said, "Yes?"

  "It's the damnedest thing," Caswell said, "but do you know, I think I do remember my goricae!"

  — — — — —

  John Rath contacted the New York Rapid Transit Corporation by televideo and was put into immediate contact with Mr. Bemis, a plump, tanned man with watchful eyes.

  "Alcoholism?" Mr. Bemis repeated, after the problem was explained.

  Unobtrusively, he turned on his tape recorder. "Among our employees?"

  Pressing a button beneath his foot, Bemis alerted Transit Security,

  Publicity, Intercompany Relations, and the Psychoanalysis Division.

  This done, he looked earnestly at Rath. "Not a chance of it, my dear

  sir. Just between us, why does General Motors really want to know?"

  Rath smiled bitterly. He should have anticipated this. NYRT and GM had had their differences in the past. Officially, there was cooperation between the two giant corporations. But for all practical purposes—

  "The question is in terms of the Public Interest," Rath said.

  "Oh, certainly," Mr. Bemis replied, with a subtle smile. Glancing at his tattle board, he noticed that several company executives had tapped in on his line. This might mean a promotion, if handled properly.

  "The Public Interest of GM," Mr. Bemis added with polite nastiness. "The insinuation is, I suppose, that drunken conductors are operating our jetbuses and helis?"

  "Of course not. I was searching for a single alcoholic predilection, an individual latency—"

  "There's no possibility of it. We at Rapid Transit do not hire people with even the merest tendency in that direction. And may I suggest, sir, that you clean your own house before making implications about others?"

  And with that, Mr. Bemis broke the connection.

  No one was going to put anything over on him.

  "Dead end," Rath said heavily. He turned and shouted, "Smith! Did you find any prints?"

  Lieutenant Smith, his coat off and sleeves rolled up, bounded over.

  "Nothing usable, sir."

  Rath's thin lips tightened. It had been close to seven hours since the customer had taken the Martian machine. There was no telling what harm had been done by now. The customer would be justified in bringing suit against the Company. Not that the money mattered much; it was the bad publicity that was to be avoided at all costs.

  "Beg pardon, sir," Haskins said.

  Rath ignored him. What next? Rapid Transit was not going to cooperate. Would the Armed Services make their records available for scansion by somatotype and pigmentation?

  "Sir," Haskins said again.

  "What is it?"

  "I just remembered the customer's friend's name. It was Magnessen."

  "Are you sure of that?"

  "Absolutely," Haskins said, with the first confidence he had shown in hours. "I've taken the liberty of looking him up in the telephone book, sir. There's only one Manhattan listing under that name."

  Rath glowered at him from under shaggy eyebrows. "Haskins, I hope you are not wrong about this. I sincerely hope that."

  "I do too, sir," Haskins admitted, feeling his knees begin to shake.

  "Because if you are," Rath said, "I will … Never mind. Let's go!"

  — — — — —

  By police escort, they arrived at the address in fifteen minutes. It was an ancient brownstone and Magnessen's name was on a second-floor door. They knocked.

  The door opened and a stocky, crop-headed, shirt-sleeved man in his thirties stood before them. He turned slightly pale at the sight of so many uniforms, but held his ground.

  "What is this?" he demanded.

  "You Magnessen?" Lieutenant Smith barked.

  "Yeah. What's the beef? If it's about my hi-fi playing too loud, I can tell you that old hag downstairs—"

  "May we come in?" Rath asked. "It's important."

  Magnessen seemed about to refuse, so Rath pushed past him, followed by Smith, Follansby, Haskins, and a small army of policemen. Magnessen turned to face them, bewildered, defiant and more than a little awed.

  "Mr. Magnessen," Rath said, in the pleasantest voice he could muster,

  "I hope you'll forgive the intrusion. Let me assure you, it is in the

  Public Interest, as well as your own. Do you know a short,

  angry-looking, red-haired, red-eyed man?"

  "Yes," Magnessen said slowly and warily.

  Haskins let out a sigh of relief.

  "Would you tell us his name and address?" asked Rath.

  "I suppose you mean—hold it! What's he done?"

  "Nothing."

  "Then what you want him for?"

  "There's no time for explanations," Rath said. "Believe me, it's in his own best interest, too. What is his name?"

  Magnessen studied Rath's ugly, honest face, trying to make up his mind.

  Lieutenant Smith said, "Come on, talk, Magnessen, if you know what's good for you. We want the name and we want it quick."

  It was the wrong approach. Magnessen lighted a cigarette, blew smoke in

  Smith's direction and inquired, "You got a warrant, buddy?"

  "You bet I have," Smith said, striding forward. "I'll warrant you, wise guy."

  "Stop it!" Rath ordered. "Lieutenant Smith, thank you for your assistance. I won't need you any longer."

  Smith left sulkily, taking his platoon with him.

  Rath said, "I apologize for Smith's over-eagerness. You had better hear the problem." Briefly but fully, he told the story of the customer and the Martian therapeutic machine.

  When he was finished, Magnessen looked more suspicious than ever. "You say he wants to kill me?"

  "Definitely."

  "That's a lie! I don't know what your game is, mister, but you'll never make me believe that. Elwood's my best friend. We been best friends since we was kids. We been in service together. Elwood would cut off his arm for me. And I'd do the same for him."

  "Yes, yes," Rath said impatiently, "in a sane frame of mind, he would.

  But your friend Elwood—is that his first name or last?"

  "First," Magnessen said tauntingly.

  "Your friend Elwood is psychotic."

  "You don't know him. That guy loves me like a brother. Look, what's Elwood really done? Defaulted on some payments or something? I can help out."

  "You thickheaded imbecile!" Rath shouted. "I'm trying to save your life, and the life and sanity of your friend!"

  "But how do I know?" Magnessen pleaded. "You guys come busting in here—"

  "You can trust me," Rath said.

  Magnessen studied Rath's face and nodded sourly. "His name's Elwood

  Caswell. He lives just down the block at number 341."

  — — — — —

  The man who came to the door was short, with red hair and red-rimmed eyes. His right hand was thrust into his coat pocket. He seemed very calm.

  "Are you Elwood Caswell?" Rath asked. "The Elwood Caswell who bought a

  Regenerator early this afternoon at the Home Therapy Appliances Store?"

  "Yes," said Caswell. "Won't you come in?"

  Inside Caswell's small living room, they saw the Regenerator, glistening black and chrome, standing near the couch. It was unplugged.

  "Have you used it?" Rath asked anxiously.

  "Yes."

  Follansby stepped forward. "Mr. Caswell, I don't know how to explain this, but we made a terrible mistake. The Regenerator you took was a Martian model—for giving therapy to Martians."

  "I know," said Caswell.

  "You do?"

  "Of course. It became pretty obvious after a while."

  "It was a dangerous situation," Rath said. "Especially for a man with your—ah—troubles." He studied Caswell covertly. The man seemed fine, but appearances were frequently deceiving, especially with psychotics. Caswell had been homicidal; there w
as no reason why he should not still be.

  And Rath began to wish he had not dismissed Smith and his policemen so summarily. Sometimes an armed squad was a comforting thing to have around.

  Caswell walked across the room to the therapeutic machine. One hand was still in his jacket pocket; the other he laid affectionately upon the Regenerator.

  "The poor thing tried its best," he said. "Of course, it couldn't cure what wasn't there." He laughed. "But it came very near succeeding!"

  — — — — —

  Rath studied Caswell's face and said, in a trained, casual tone, "Glad there was no harm, sir. The Company will, of course, reimburse you for your lost time and for your mental anguish—"

  "Naturally," Caswell said.

  "—and we will substitute a proper Terran Regenerator at once."

  "That won't be necessary."

  "It won't?"

  "No." Caswell's voice was decisive. "The machine's attempt at therapy forced me into a compete self-appraisal. There was a moment of absolute insight, during which I was able to evaluate and discard my homicidal intentions toward poor Magnessen."

  Rath nodded dubiously. "You feel no such urge now?"

  "Not in the slightest."

  Rath frowned deeply, started to say something, and stopped. He turned to Follansby and Haskins. "Get that machine out of here. I'll have a few things to say to you at the store."

  The manager and the clerk lifted the Regenerator and left.

  Rath took a deep breath. "Mr. Caswell, I would strongly advise that you accept a new Regenerator from the Company, gratis. Unless a cure is effected in a proper mechanotherapeutic manner, there is always the danger of a setback."

  "No danger with me," Caswell said, airily but with deep conviction.