Lead the Way

by Prince, K. L.

  “I really don’t know. If I ever step out of this apartment again, I will need to feel completely safe.”

  “What if I can provide you with a feeling of safety?”

  “And how are you going to do that?”

  “Look at me, Eva. I was a Navy Seal. I was trained to be one of the toughest men on the planet. What if, you decide to take a step out of this apartment, I was there, right by your side. What if I was there to protect you?”

  “Gabriel, I don’t know. I don’t know if having you there would be enough.”

  “Well, you won’t know if you don’t try.”

  “So, what you’re saying is that, if I’m willing, you’ll help me take steps out of the apartment?”

  “Absolutely. Have you ever watched those shows where people are afraid of something, and then once slowly exposed to their fear, they overcome it.”

  “Gabriel, you’re forgetting that I’ve gone through therapy. I’ve tried almost everything with a psychiatrist at some point in time.”

  “When you were with your therapist, did you feel safe? Did you feel protected?”

  “Absolutely not.”

  “I’m offering you something different. I’m offering you safety, Eva. I can and I will protect you. If you step out of this apartment, I promise that I won’t let anything hurt you.”

  “I believe you, Gabriel. I just don’t know. It’s something I have to think about. It sounds simple, but it’s not.”

  “Just think about it, Eva. At least allow yourself to try something. Don’t settle for this life. Remember what you told me earlier? You said that you used to be willing to try something at least once. Well give this a try, Eva.”

  “Thank you for the offer. I promise I will think about it.”

  “Good. That’s all I ask.”

  “You know what, it’s been a long day. You can go home now.”

  “Sure. I just have to put some of the cleaning supplies away and then I will be out of your hair.”

  Gabriel leaves Eva sitting on the bed, looking at the photo album. He has a good feeling about their conversation. Eva seemed softer. He wonders what has changed. He thinks that it has something to do with her grandmother. He thinks that he may have gotten through to her somehow. He really hopes so. He hates to see someone so beautiful and young be so locked up in such chains. He thinks it would be extraordinary if he were able to help set her free.

  * * * * *

  Eva listens as Gabriel leaves. She stares at the picture of her grandmother. “I miss you so much,” she says out loud, hoping that her grandmother can hear her, wherever she is. She takes one final glance at the picture, before putting the photo album back on the dresser.

  She thinks about the things that Gabriel said to her. She hasn’t even stuck a toe outside her apartment in five years. She has no idea how she will react if she simply went out into the hallway. The last time she did, she had such a severe panic attack that she passed out and collapsed. She would hate for that to happen in front of Gabriel.

  However, maybe things have changed. Maybe, because of the passage of time, her reaction will be different. Maybe it won’t be so severe. Maybe she could handle it. Maybe having a strong tough man by her side would make a difference. Like Gabriel said, the only way to find out would be to try.

  She doesn’t know if she is courageous enough. She doesn’t know if she has the guts. She thinks about the alternative. If she does it, and she’s too scared, she’ll end up back in her apartment, having lost absolute nothing. She’ll continue on doing exactly what she’s been doing for the past five years. Absolutely nothing will have changed.

  If she goes along with Gabriel’s plan, she’ll actually be gaining something really, even if she’s too scared. She’ll gain the knowledge of knowing what will happen if she steps beyond her front door. Right now, she doesn’t know what will happen. Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe, she’ll be able to walk right outside and walk down the block.

  The fear of what happened last time, happening again, has paralyzed her into immobility. She can remember the way the fear made her feel at the time. It caused her both physical and psychological pain. Is she willing to feel that again? Is it worth it? Is being able to walk outside in the hallway worth giving up her comfort zone?

  She wonders what her grandmother would say to her. She’s sure that her grandmother would advise her to do whatever it takes to get well, but at the same time, her grandmother would support her decision. If her grandmother was alive and was able to see her in the condition that she is in, she knows that her grandmother wouldn’t push her. She would give her grandmotherly advice and encourage her to get out into the world, but if she didn’t want to, her grandmother would accept it. Her grandmother was a very kind and compassionate woman. She accepted people the way that they were. Her grandmother would never try to change her or try to push her into something that she didn’t want or she wasn’t ready to do.

  All these thoughts roll around her mind. She isn’t exactly sure what she wants to do. She can’t pin down a definite decision yet. She promised Gabriel that she would think about it and she will. She will give his plan her utmost attention and when she does come to a decision, it will be after careful thought and consideration. She’s not going to throw out his idea as quickly as she has done others in the past.

  The way she feels at the moment, is the most willing she has been to change in a long time. If Gabriel had asked her a year ago to take a chance and step out of the apartment, she would have dismissed him outright. She would have said “No” and that would have been the absolute end to the discussion. You couldn’t have paid her a million dollars to step out of her apartment. It wasn’t happening.

  She feels like something inside of her has changed. She’s not sure if it’s Gabriel that has caused this change, or if it’s been something that has been brewing for a while. She’s just become tired of being sick. She's become tired of being a prisoner in her own home. Gabriel has given her a reason and an excuse, if she decides the go through with his plan. He is also someone she can blame if things blow up in her face. She would never blame him to his face, but inside her mind, she could always use him as a scapegoat. It helps to know that she wouldn’t be doing anything completely alone. She would have someone she could lean on that wasn’t being paid specifically for that purpose. Gabriel seems pretty sturdy. She thinks that he could probably hold her up.

  She’s in a place in her life now, where she is willing to, at least, think about the idea of leaving her apartment. It’s a strange turn of events and it makes her feel strange inside. It is the first time in a long time that she feels like she might be able to take some power back in her life. Everything she has done in the past five years of her life has been the result of, or in reaction to, what has happened to her. The writing, the way in which her friends interact with her now, hiring Rosa, moving into a more secure building – all of it has been defensive. If she goes along with Gabriel, it will be the first time she has attacked the problem. It will be the first time she has acted offensively.

  Chapter 6

  Eva looks at the clock. It’s nine-twenty in the morning. Gabriel is late. A feeling of panic starts to creep into her mind. She hates to admit it, but she’s started to really rely on Gabriel. She’s started to look forward to his arrival and feels sad when it’s time for him to go home. It’s been nice having male company.

  Gabriel has been able to get her to open up, like no one else has been able to. When she looks into eyes, it seems like he really cares about what she is saying. There are times when she feels like she’s being desperate and will back off and leave him to do his work, but he comes and seeks her out. It seems like he wants to speak to her, as much as she wants to speak to him.

  He’s been working for her for about three weeks now. There are days that go by where it doesn’t seem like he’s doing much work. She’s been slacking off with her writing, just as much. The time that he should be spending cleaning and she writing, they
spend talking and goofing around. They sit and talk over coffee or play board games. She’ll run story ideas by him and he talks about things going on in his life or about his time in the Navy.

  She’s let Gabriel into parts of her life that no one has been allowed into for a very long time. She’s tried to resist, but he has this magical way of drawing things out of her. It fascinates her, how he is able to that. She jokes with him that he must have been a psychiatrist in a past life.

  The way that Gabriel looks at life is so positive and it has started to rub off on her. He’s helped her to look at life through different eyes. He has been able to get her to stop focusing on her view and try to see things with a different spin - a better spin. He has definitely changed some of her negative thinking into positive thinking.

  She doesn’t know why she has let Gabriel in or let him get so close to her. Even before the attack, someone could definitely be her acquaintance, but it took time for her to let him or her into her inner life and thoughts. She’s let Gabriel walk right past her guards. She let him get past her concerns, her insecurities, and her boundaries.

  She’s not sure how he feels about her, but she thinks of him as a friend now. She’s told him things that she’s kept secret from her most dearest friends. Rosa is like a mother to her and she’s told Gabriel more things in three weeks, than she’s told Rosa the entire five years that she’s known her. She’s been trying to figure out why she trusts Gabriel so much and so quickly, but the reason escapes her.

  When the clock turns to nine-thirty, she starts to wonder if Gabriel is going to show up. Feelings of disappointment start to set it. She was looking forward to seeing him. Plus, she had something wonderful she wanted to tell him today. She’d been looking forward to seeing the look on his face when she told him her good news.

  She was waiting for Gabriel’s arrival before she started the coffee machine, but since it doesn’t look like he’s going to turn up, she starts filling the machine with water. She measures out scoops of coffee and pours them into the machine. With each step that she takes to get the coffee machine going, the disappointment that she feels grows. She’s grown really used to Gabriel being around. She finds that she plans what she’s going to do in the day around what he’s doing. Now, she will have to rearrange her day and she doesn’t like the idea. She wants it to be a regular day with Gabriel nearby.

  She is startled when Gabriel rushes into the kitchen. She almost jumps out of her skin, when she sees him out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t hear him come in. “Holy crap, you scared me half to death,” she says, laughing at her reaction.

  “Sorry I’m late. I slept through my alarm.”

  “No problem. I’m glad you’re here.”

  “I’m glad I’m here,” he says, locking eyes with her.

  They stare at each other. The look shared between them holds so many things, so many questions. Eva breaks the stare and out of nervousness speaks.

  “So, how is Rosa doing?”

  “She’s hanging in there. She says that her leg is starting to become less painful, so that’s good.”

  “That’s good to hear,” Eva says, putting the coffee can in the cupboard.

  She’s thought about Rosa returning and Gabriel leaving. She tries not to think

  about it too much, but she knows that the day is coming. She’s going to miss Gabriel’s company when he’s gone. Once he’s gone, she wonders if she will ever see him again. She wishes that she knew how he felt about her, but there is no way that she is going to ask him. It would be too embarrassing if he wasn’t as fond of her as she is of him.

  “So, what’s on the agenda today?” he asks, interrupting her thoughts.

  “Well, I’m glad that you showed up today, because I have something I want to tell you.”

  “Okay. What is it?”

  “Well, I’ve decided that I’m ready.”

  “Ready for what?”

  “I’m ready to see if I can walk outside in the hallway.”

  “Really?”

  “I’m ready.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “I’m very sure. Trust me, I’ve thought about it long and hard. I’m ready to give it a try. Will you help me?”

  “Are you kidding? Of course, I will help you. When do you want to do it?”

  “I was thinking about after breakfast, if that’s okay with you.”

  “I’m ready when you are. If you want to do it after breakfast, that’s when we will do it.”

  Eva is too nervous to eat anything heavy, so Gabriel makes her toast with butter and jam. As she eats the toast and it slowly disappears, the nervousness she feels increases more and more. She’s scared of what’s going to happen. She is scared of what her reaction is going to be. She is scared to be so vulnerable in front of Gabriel.

  “Eva?”

  “Yeah, sorry. Did you say something?”

  “I was saying that if you’re not ready, you don’t have to do this. This is not something that you have to rush.”

  “I know. I’m sure that I’m ready. I feel a bit nervous and scared, but I want to go through with it.”

  “Okay. I’m going to be right there beside you, so whatever happens, I’m there.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate it. More than you could possibly ever know.”

  Eva finishes her toast and takes a deep breath. Gabriel takes her plate and puts it in the dishwasher.

  “Do you want to finish your coffee before we do anything?” he asks.

  She can sense the concern in his voice. He is such a sweet guy. She’s not sure if he has a girlfriend, because she’s never asked, but if he doesn’t, she can’t understand why. He has been nothing but kind and caring with her. She imagines that he would treat any woman that he is with like a princess.

  “No, let’s go and do it,” she says, pushing back her chair and standing up. As soon as she is standing, a little voice inside her head says, “Don’t do it.” She wants to listen to it, but in an act of defiance, she takes a first step towards the front door.

  She’s been listening to that little voice for long enough. The little voice inside her head that she thought was her friend and was just trying to protect her, is her biggest enemy. The little voice inside her head hates her and does so with a passion. The little voice inside her would like nothing better than to see her dead. Today, she is going to kill that voice before it kills her.

  Eva lets Gabriel lead the way to the front door. When he opens the door, a breeze of warm air hits her face. She stares into the hallway. She lives in the Penthouse and the hallway from her door to the elevator is hers alone. There is no chance that she will see anyone when she steps out into the hallway. That makes her feel a little better.

  “Are you ready?” Gabriel asks, stepping out into the hallway.

  “I think so,” she says, moving herself to the edge, where the door meets the hallway. She grips the sides of the doorframe and closes her eyes.

  “Okay, take a step, Eva,” Gabriel says, trying to coax her out.

  She tries, but she can’t bring herself to move her feet. “I’m trying, but I can’t move,” she says, panic obvious in her voice.

  “What if I take your hand?”

  “Okay.”

  Gabriel takes her hand, but she still can’t move. “Gabriel, you’re going to have to pull me out.”

  “Are you sure, Eva? Like I said, you don’t have to rush this.”

  “Just do it,” she says, closing her eyes tighter.

  Gabriel grabs both of her hands. She squeezes them tighter than she’s ever squeezed anyone’s hands before. She feels Gabriel pull her and she takes three steps. She knows that she is no longer inside her apartment. She can’t open her eyes.

  “Open your eyes, Eva,” Gabriel says, pulling her a couple of more steps into the hallway.

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes you can. Eva, open your eyes.”

  She opens her right eye a little bit, letting a little sliver of light in. S
he squints for a minute and then she lets both eyes open completely. She looks at her feet and then she looks behind her. Gabriel pulls her further down the hallway. She is a quarter way down the hallway. The realization of what she has done starts to set in and her breathing starts to become more rapid and heavy. She’s starting to hyperventilate.

  “Eva, look at me,” Gabriel says, shaking her arms to get her full attention. She looks at him, focusing her attention on to him. “Think about what’s happening. You’re standing in your hallway. Has anything harmful happened to you?” She shakes her head because she can’t talk. “Are you dead?” he asks. She shakes her head no again. “Okay, I want you to start breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

  She closes her eyes and starts to do as Gabriel has instructed. She can hear Gabriel breathing along with her. With each breath that she takes, she can feel herself calming down and her breathing returning to normal. It takes a couple of minutes before she is breathing normally again and her body stops shaking. She opens her eyes. Gabriel is smiling at her.

  “See, you’re okay,” he says, squeezing her hands. “Do you think that you can make it the rest of the way down the hall to the elevator?”

  “Yeah, I think so. Don’t let go, okay?”

  “Don’t worry; I’m not going to let you go.”

  Gabriel walks backwards, holding her hands, as they take steps towards the elevator. As they get closer to the elevator, Eva can feel all the apprehension she was feeling slipping away. When they reach the elevator, she starts to giggle.

  “I can’t believe this is happening,” she exclaims.

  “You’re much tougher than you thought. I’m so proud of you.”

  “None of this would be happening, if it weren’t for you.”

  “You’re the one doing all the work.”

  “I would have never done any of this on my own. You’re the reason for all of this. I don’t know how I’m going to repay you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. It’s my pleasure to help.”