by Sally John
“Kenzie, may I ask something?”
“Just say what you mean, Mom.”
“I thought I was doing that.”
“No. Why would you ask if you can ask a question instead of just asking it? You’re really concerned about something besides the question. Like whether or not I’ll go berserk. I bet that’s what you mean to say. For good reason. Berserk has always been my modus operandi.”
Susan smiled. “All right, here goes. First of all, I hope what I’m about to ask does not set you off. It’s just a question, not a backhanded way of giving you advice. Please don’t take it as such.”
“You got it.” Kenzie continued work on the castle, glancing now and then at her jeans-clad mother digging with all the earnestness of an artist creating a permanent masterpiece. “Promise, no berserk-ness.”
“Thanks. I’m wondering, do you feel left out of things with the Carluccis? With this emergency?”
“Why should I? Aidan took Pepper to the hospital. It was what he needed to do for his mom and dad. He didn’t need me along. I’d just be in the way.” She heard the whine in her voice and bit her lip.
They dug in silence for a few moments.
“Kenzie, why do you think you’d be in the way if you went with them or phoned him now?”
Say what you mean, Mom. Well, Susan was doing exactly that, more and more even without Kenzie’s not-so-subtle hints. And Pepper always talked real. Seldom shuffling around a subject, she’d give her blast of opinion with both barrels. Why couldn’t Kenzie do likewise? She laid down her little plastic shovel, uncurled her legs, and sat in the sand.
“Hon, sometimes we feel things we’d rather not feel. Even your dad says emotions just are. They’re not right or wrong.”
“If he believes that, he sure has a funny way of showing it.”
Susan settled back on her shins, the purple shovel on her lap, and met her eyes.
“Mom, I’m telling you to talk real, but I can’t because Dad always tells me what’s wrong with how I feel.”
“I know,” she whispered.
“How do I get over this?”
“Forgiveness is the only way to healing. Forgive me for not intervening. Forgive him for communicating your feelings are wrong. Once you decide you want to, for your own sake, then God will give you the grace and power to forgive.”
“You already told me this stuff.”
She nodded.
“I’m…not there yet.”
“Okay. Let’s go back to the other subject about how you feel toward the Carluccis. If you want. I’m learning that it helps me to express my feelings out loud. It seems to soften the rough edges of the pain.”
That euphoria gushed through her again. Her mom wasn’t forcing her to talk about her dad or about forgiveness. She gave Kenzie the freedom to go a different direction, to be…real. How she wanted to trust her!
Susan said, “But I understand if you’re not ready to open up with me.”
“I think I need to.” The confession flew off her tongue. She followed it. “Aidan didn’t invite me to go along. He hardly even acknowledged I was there. I mean, I know he was horribly upset. He loves his dad so much. I just felt totally invisible to him and Pepper. If I were his sister we would have talked. He talked to his sisters and figured everything out about what they should do. They haven’t called me, either. I could help with Mickey Junior and the younger girls. I’m just—” She wiped her short sleeve across her face. “I’m not part of the family! That’s why I can’t call. I don’t count! I’m not a Carlucci!”
Susan crawled around the castle and grabbed her in a bear hug.
It was a long, wordless, rocking bear hug. Kenzie’s tears flowed, cleansing, healing, freeing. Her mom was her family.
Fifty-Six
As slanting sunbeams glinted directly on Susan and Kenzie’s faces, the incoming tide engulfed the castle’s moat and lapped at its wall. The late afternoon breeze turned cool. No one else lingered on the beach; few people jogged past. Still they worked, adding wings and buttresses and towers. Susan smiled to herself. A new burst of energy had seized both of them.
She moaned. “Kenzie, we’re going to lose it.”
“Mom, you didn’t think it’d last through the night, did you?”
“Well…”
Her daughter laughed. Dried tear tracks wove unevenly on her sand-dotted cheeks. “It’s the nature of sand castles. Here today, gone next high tide. Which usually comes twice a day.”
“I never realized how much these castles resemble life. We dream and work and build, as if something so incredibly fragile as life is going to last. Then, before we know it, poof. It’s all gone and we’re dead.”
“Thank you for that depressing observation.”
“You’re welcome.” Susan patted a wall into place. “Maybe they’re like the works talked about in the Bible, where it says some will burn up, but others will stand forever because they’re made up of eternal elements. We shouldn’t worry so much about the transitory stuff.” She glimpsed Kenzie’s arched brows. “Whoops. There I go preaching again.”
“You really ought to get yourself a pulpit.” Her tone clearly teased. “But seriously, that can’t mean we quit dreaming and working on this life.”
“And giving birth and making a home and creating music.” Smiling, she shook her head. “I’ll get you a pulpit too.”
Kenzie laughed, and they returned to their silent construction.
A short while ago, as Kenzie wept in her arms, mother and daughter bridged a great yawning gap that had lain split open so many years between them. Since then, Susan couldn’t stop humming and murmuring songs.
Earlier in the day, Susan followed Natalie’s advice. She trudged along the beach, forcing herself to sing the entire time. It had been a struggle. The music escaped her. The image of God singing over her faded. But she kept at it, repeating the “Gloria Patri” again and again, the only words she managed to recall.
What felt like hours later, her voice hoarse, her calves aching, she returned to the house. Not exactly carefree, but she was—at the least—no longer hopeless.
And then from the kitchen sink she spotted Kenzie through the window, head down, walking around to the front door.
And then her little girl called her “Mommy.”
And then nothing else mattered except closing up that gap.
Now there remained only one thing between them, one fissure unsealed. If she died within the next five minutes, Susan would regret for eternity not attempting to reach over it with her hand toward Kenzie.
“Honey, there is something I’ve been wanting to tell you about.”
“Are you really saying ‘don’t go berserk’ again?”
She shrugged with an air of nonchalance. “You gotta do what you gotta do.”
“Way to go, Mom!” Kenzie thrust a shovel skyward and sputtered as sand flew at her mouth. “Bleagh!”
Susan smiled sadly. The movement was so Kenzie, flinging hands and feet and remarks willy-nilly, heedless of consequences. What a handful she had always been! Delightful, yes, but a handful.
“Okay.” Kenzie laughed, still brushing sand from her lips. “I’m listening.”
“Okay.” Susan steadied herself with a deep breath and set aside her shovel. “It’s about your dad and me. I had hoped we could talk to you together—What’s wrong?”
All color had drained from Kenzie’s face and tears welled in her eyes. “You’re getting divorced! Because of me!”
“Oh, no, honey! That’s not it at all.” She leaned over and grasped her forearm. “It’s what I mentioned before, that we’re dealing with issues from our past. All right?”
Kenzie nodded. Avoiding eye contact, she scooted away, out from Susan’s hand and to where Pugsy lay. She lifted the dog onto her lap.
Dear Lord, help! “Okay. You know how your dad and I met at school. I was an undergrad and he was in seminary. This might be hard to believe, but we were absolutely crazy about each other f
rom the first day. I mean, we couldn’t get enough of being together. I was your age, nineteen.”
She ruffled Pugsy’s fur, a tiny smile on her face. “Yeah, that is kind of hard to picture.”
“Well, it happened. And ten months later, when I was a little over twenty, I got pregnant.”
Kenzie whipped her attention to Susan. Although her mouth hung wide open, she didn’t say a word.
“Your dad would have been kicked out of school if anyone knew, the future as he saw it completely ruined. We eloped. We figured if we married right away, the timing would be concealed.” She listed the events in a monotone. “A few weeks later, I miscarried. We never told anyone about it.” Her voice wavered and tears stung. “You should have known long before now that we are not perfect. I am so sorry we always avoided revealing our true selves to you.”
“You were in the same situation I’m in? Pregnant and not married?” Her face reddened. “And Dad has the nerve to condemn me?”
Susan had no reply. She could not defend herself or Drake, nor did she want to attack him. Kenzie and Drake’s relationship belonged to the two of them. The point of telling her daughter belonged elsewhere.
“The thing is, Kenzie, I don’t want you to get married if you’re not ready. Your dad and Natalie and Pepper and most of the church would disagree with me. But I know from experience. I wasn’t ready. The circumstances were wrong. I got married out of shame. Ever since I’ve been trying to hide it by hiding myself. I guess that’s what this stay at the beach house has been all about. It’s about me no longer hiding or pretending.”
Kenzie still appeared angry and shocked, but she didn’t speak.
Susan went on. “I am not saying ‘Get married’ and I am not saying ‘Don’t get married.’ You and Aidan must decide whether or not and when. Whatever you decide, I’m your mother and this baby’s grandmother. You have my full support anyway you need it.” She paused. “There is just one other thing. About your living together? You’ll have to answer to God about that one. And that’s all I have to say.”
Kenzie scooted back through the sand. Pugsy yelped at being disturbed, but she ignored him and put her arms around Susan’s neck. “Oh, Mom! I love you.”
She held her daughter close. “But do you like me?”
Kenzie chuckled. “Yeah, I like you. I think…” Her shoulders heaved. “I think I even trust you.”
Thank You, Lord. Thank You. Thank You.
Arm in arm, they slogged through the sand. Twilight had fallen, and they headed to the beach house. Kenzie carried Pugsy under one arm and Susan pulled the bag full of toys. Enough serious discussion and tears had passed to last them the rest of their lives, Susan thought. They were into silly mode.
Kenzie said, “We could do another slumber party. Chick flicks and junk food.” She groaned. “I don’t think I really mean that. Baby wasn’t too happy with last night’s pizza and popcorn and chocolate.”
“Why don’t we go out? To a real restaurant with cute solicitous waiters and lemon in the water and real greens in the salads and seafood with gourmet sauces and yummy desserts?”
“Wow, yeah! But is it in the budget?”
Susan smiled to herself. They had always counted pennies, first out of necessity, and then later in an effort not to appear materialistic. “Your dad hasn’t cut me off, at least not yet. Yes, it’s in the budget.”
“Mom, he wouldn’t, would he? Cut you off?”
“I don’t think so, but that’s sober talk. We called a moratorium, remember?”
“Yep.”
They reached the seawall, sat atop it, and swung their legs over. In the distance Susan caught sight of a tall slender man walking away from them. Salt-and-pepper hair styled like Drake’s. Why did she keep looking for him? Why was it the hope of reconciliation pestered her like some relentless salesperson?
“Kenzie, there is one more thing.”
“Mom!” She chastised as they crossed the boardwalk.
“It’s just a little thing. Well, no, it’s a pretty big thing. I want to name my baby. Will you help? All those years ago we didn’t go to the trouble and expense of finding out why I lost it or if it was a boy or girl. So I want a name like ‘Pat’ or ‘Chris’ that would suit either.”
“Jordan, Shay, Kai, Shannon, Bailey.”
“You’ve thought about this.”
She grinned. “Yeah. My all-time favorite, though, is Jade.”
“Jade. That’s nice.”
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Perfect for either a boy or a girl. Who wouldn’t want to be named after a gemstone? I don’t know if it’s precious or semiprecious, but it conveys color and nature and strength and beauty, all rolled into one.”
“Jade. Hmm.” They walked through the picket fence gate. She let the name dance around in her mind. By the time they reached the door, it had settled into a niche. “Jade. Yes, I like it. But you like it! Maybe you’ll want to use it?”
Kenzie shook her head. “Aidan hates it. He has a cousin by that name. This kid sounds like a worse nightmare than my cousins. I could never name my son Eric or Adam. And besides, if it is a girl, we’ve decided on a name.”
“Can you tell me?”
“Sure. Pepperocini June. After her grandmas. Pepper-June for short.”
She laughed. “Good grief!”
“Seriously, we like ‘Rose-Marie’ for a middle name, with a hyphen between both of your middle names.”
“Aww. That’s so sweet.”
“That’s us. Anyway, I am sure about Jade. It’s yours.”
“All right, thanks. It’s perfect.” At the front door she swung her arm around Kenzie. “Someday, honey, I hope we will meet your sibling named Jade.”
“Me too, Mom.”
Somewhere deep in her heart Susan knew her time of mourning her unborn child was finished.
Fifty-Seven
Painkillers kept her husband in a comatose state, but still Pepper sat beside Mick’s hospital bed, tightly grasping the hand not hooked up to an IV. Near midnight, the room was lit by one soft light.
He was alive. Bones were broken, every inch of his body bruised. All would heal. He was alive.
Thank You, God. Thank You, God.
Before succumbing to the drug-induced sleep, Mick had teased with her and Aidan. “Flying through the air, my life flashing before me, I had only one thought.” His grin didn’t quite hold. “‘Hey, when this over, I bet I’ll get to go home early and finish that novel with Pepper!’”
She and Aidan had cried.
“Okay, okay.” Mick protested. “Seriously? I thought ‘Man, this hurts like heck. I’m not sure I want to be there when I wake up. But then I sure would miss my Pepper Sprout, so maybe I’d like to hang around, wait for a different grand finale.’”
Always, always about her. She laid her face against the stiff sheet alongside his arm.
“Mom, why don’t you sit in this chair?” Aidan referred to the lounger he sat in on the other side of the bed. “Or lay down on the cot. They brought it in for you.”
She turned her head to look at him. “I’m okay for now.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to go to a motel?”
“I’m sure.”
“He’s fine. He’s going to be fine.”
“Yeah,” she murmured.
No two ways about it, Aidan had carried her through this one. At his father’s insistence, their son had even spoken with the kid who smashed his car into Mick’s body. The eighteen-year-old was at the hospital with his family, unhurt but scared, waiting for news of his handiwork.
Pepper never could have done what Aidan did. She would have sprayed the entire group with caustic, unforgiving remarks. Mick, of course, had already forgiven the boy for ignoring road construction signs, driving too fast, and fiddling with his stereo instead of seeing the orange-vested worker. The police couldn’t even find a skid mark.
Now Aidan walked behind her and squeezed her shoulders. “I’m going outside to call Kenzi
e, let her know what’s happening.”
Pepper sat up and turned to face him. “You haven’t talked to her yet?”
“No.”
“She’ll be so worried! You talked with all your sisters and Mickey and even the driver—”
“I know!”
“Kenzie’s family, Aidan!”
“No, she’s not.”
That shut her up.
He shrugged. “I don’t know what she is. We’re in this gray twilight, in-between place. Committed but…it doesn’t feel like committed. Not totally. Not in a solid way, like you guys.” He gestured to Mick and shook his head. “Dad lying here. All of a sudden it all looks different. I’m going to be a father like he is, and I don’t know the first thing about it. Kenzie’s going to be a mother, and she’s still such a kid herself.”
Pepper dared not speak.
“I don’t know where she fits in. Where we fit in. There’s a definite disconnect going on between us. Whenever anything comes up that even hints at permanence, she turns flibbertigibbet on me and does things like takes off for Phoenix. Right now I just don’t know what to say to her.”
He was thinking about permanence? “Maybe,” Pepper chose her words carefully and spoke in a hushed tone, “maybe it’s mommy hormones. They can really do a number on you. But no matter what, Aidan, she really needs to hear that your dad’s going to be okay.”
After a moment he nodded, stood, and shuffled from the room.
A definite disconnect between them? Oh, Lord.
Aidan returned, his face unreadable in the shadowy hospital room. He’d been gone for at least an hour.
Pepper sat in the lounger, her feet up, covered with a blanket, a pillow behind her head. Exhausted as she was, she could not fall asleep while her son was on the phone with Kenzie. His earlier unsettling talk hinted that their future was up for grabs.
“Out, Mom.” He pointed his thumb toward the cot at the foot of Mick’s bed. “You get that.”