Act Like You Know

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  8

  GOAL

  “So you know no one should be alone for Thanksgiving. So you’re coming home with me,” Malloy said as she sat on my bed, trying to cheer me up.

  Thanksgiving was a holiday I had always spent with my mom, and the thought of not being with her on possibly her last Turkey Day was hard to swallow. However, what could I do to get there? I didn’t have a job or a man I could finagle to get me to Texas.

  Truthfully a part of me didn’t even want to be there. What was I going to run into? How would my mom look? Would she be too sick to even recognize me? How massive were her headaches? It just seemed better to wallow in my pity alone.

  But when Malloy wouldn’t leave, I said, “Really, I’m fine. You go have a good time with your family. I got everything I need here. Your dad has this place stacked, and with all the extra security he put in, you know I’m going to be okay.”

  “Uh, I’d thought you’d say that, so, here.”

  “What? I ain’t taking no handouts,” I said as my sister, roomie, and friend handed me an envelope.

  It was a little thick. I couldn’t see through it, but something was in there like money or a ticket, and I wasn’t a charity case. I reluctantly opened it, and I was correct in my assumption of its contents.

  “Can’t take your money, girl. Seriously, Malloy, don’t leave without taking this back.” But of course she walked out, grabbed her suitcase, and then I heard the front door slam.

  “Lord, why is my life so hard? You have given me the looks most have always thought were attractive. But I promise that everything else in my life seems cursed. When I just want to be angry and be all alone, you send me a friend like Malloy. Now I have the means to go see my mama. Even that may be too hard to bear.”

  A note fell to the ground. It read,

  Alyx, my heart goes out to all you’re going through, but, no, you don’t have to go through any of it alone. I figured you wouldn’t want to spend time with me and my family for Thanksgiving, because the only person you want to be with is your mom. Take this bus ticket and get yourself down to El Paso. Here’s a hundred from Kade. He hates all you are going through and says he owes you for the bad time you had in New York. Not really—you did it to yourself—but he feels bad. I know you’re laughing. Give your mom a kiss from your roommate. Seriously you guys are in my prayers.—Malloy

  P.S. I packed you a bag in the closet. I’m outside right now waiting to take you to the bus station, so come on.

  Twelve hours later, I was in El Paso. I called my high school buddy Pedro and he came and picked me up from the bus station and got me home. When I stood in front of our place, I cried. I didn’t want to go inside my small apartment and face my mom. I’d come all this way, and a part of me didn’t want to stick to the plan. But as the wind blew, I felt a peace come over my heart, telling me it was going to be okay, and without even using my key, the door opened.

  My mom called out, “Alyx, baby, is that you?”

  “Yes, Mama, it’s me.”

  I went inside and flung myself into her arms. All the eeriness I had felt dissipated. Feeling her embrace was comforting and safe. How could I have forgotten such warmth? I didn’t have great grades; I didn’t have much money. We didn’t have much time, but we had much love. We spent the rest of the evening catching up.

  When I woke up the next morning I went into my mom’s room and lay down next to her and just listened to her heartbeat. I couldn’t imagine that sound not down on Earth anymore. It was so steady, so soothing, and so comforting.

  “Alyx, you’re moving around, sweetie. You okay? You seem restless.”

  “Yes, Mama. I just don’t know what I’m going to do without you.”

  “I’m here right now, and all we have is the moment. Let’s seize the day. Let’s make this one count. I’ve been cooped up in this house for weeks. Seeing you just gives me a burst of energy, like I’ve been outside running through the cherry-blossom fields.”

  “Oh, Mama, I don’t know why you’re saying that. I’m bringing you down.”

  “My dear, you could never bring me down.”

  “Mom, I don’t apply myself well, and I want to make you proud.”

  “Well, if you want to make me proud, get it together and do it. Keep focused on what’s in front of you. Always remember to take advantage of every opportunity. If you try your best and work your hardest, you’ll always make me proud. And right here,” she said as she pointed at my heart, “is where I’ll always be. Don’t lose sight of that.”

  We hugged, and that moment seemed to last. What a big blessing I had. My Thanksgiving was fuller than any turkey could have ever made me.

  “You didn’t have to come by and pick me up. I’m just here for a couple days,” I said to my Texas line sister Sally.

  “Girl, please, you’re here, and we got a line you need to meet. And aren’t you still trained to be with the pledges?”

  “Yeah. We got trained in the spring, and certification lasts a whole year, so I can definitely see the pledges.”

  “Well, there you go. Booyah. You’re able to work with the Pis,” Sally said, obviously excited about their thirteen pledges.

  I had never taken over a line, because we’d just crossed last fall. But before I’d left school, we’d been trained in everything we needed to be able to conduct membership intake. That certification lasted for three hundred and sixty-five days, and though Alpha chapter wasn’t able to have a line, my Kappa Upsilon chapter in El Paso was. Who knew when Beta Gamma Pi would be back on campus at Western Smith? There certainly was a possibility it wouldn’t be before I graduated. So maybe this would be my only opportunity to get my hands into the pledge process. When I started thinking about it, I got fired up to go to one of the gem ceremonies.

  “We already had two, you know,” Sally said; she was the head of the line. “The Leadership Gem and the Sisterhood Gem ceremonies were well executed. All the Pis cried. Girl, us big sisters did as well.”

  “How’d they elect you Vice President?” I teased my buddy, knowing she had great leadership skills.

  “Ha, ha, ha, you got jokes. I’m just so excited, and I have the heart to do this. We accepted every girl but one.”

  Curious, I asked, “Why didn’t you let her on?”

  “Well, because she had the minimum GPA,” Sally said condescendingly, like a low GPA was horrible.

  Offended, I said, “Okay, wait, I had the minimum GPA, and I got on line last year.”

  “Yeah, but you brought something different to the big sisters then,” Sally said in a more accepting tone as she noticed my hurt feelings.

  “What, because I was Spanish? Sally, I take offense to that. So the only reason they let me on was because I was different?”

  “Well, I mean, yeah. At the time, you barely cut the mustard academically. Your ethnicity stood out. You didn’t have much public service to show for yourself. You didn’t have any extracurricular activities, like being in a sport or club or the arts. Girl, let’s keep it real—you didn’t even have a job to explain why your GPA was so pitiful. This girl this year was in the same boat, but she wasn’t Spanish. She wasn’t bringing anything to the table, so she needed to keep stepping. Beta Gamma Pi standards are a little higher than that,” Sally said, sounding a little snooty.

  I wanted to be mad. I wanted to be upset. But I couldn’t argue with what she was saying. We did want the best. Why did it hurt me to know that I had barely made it and was still barely holding on? My GPA now wasn’t even a 2.5, the minimum required to pledge. In one semester at El Paso, it had dropped as I had focused more on stepping than I had on the books.

  There were five gem ceremonies the Pis had to go through. Because my old chapter had already had the first two, this one was on education, and maybe it wasn’t by accident that I was attending it. The fourth gem ceremony would concentrate on Christian principles, and the fifth would delve into public service.

  White candles adorned the nondenominational church�
��s fellowship hall. The thirteen Pis walked in as we sang the Pi hymn. I could tell from their faces that they were so captivated by the moment. It reminded me how I had felt last year during the same educational ceremony. That one in particular truly moved me.

  The new Chapter President, Megan Beverly, who I didn’t really get along with because she always wanted to study while I was all about having a good time, was speaking to the pledges. “I vow to give my all, to learn as much as I can, to be better than I was yesterday. Although it may be hard for me to rise, I will take in the warm water going over my body. May it cleanse my spirit and make me renewed, ready, and able to strive for excellence and never settle for less. If there is a time that I don’t devour my education and I’m not maximizing the knowledge, help me see the error of my ways so that I can get it right and become all a Beta is supposed to be.”

  Taking the gem ceremony into my heart was like a rebirth. I felt revived and inspired to be better than I was.

  A couple days later, I was back at Western Smith, and though I’d had a great trip and felt like I was ready to conquer the world and finally get it all together, I was broken again when I opened a letter from the dean. I had less than two hours to be in the president’s office to go over my status as a student.

  “Malloy!” I yelled out.

  “Hey, girl, you’re back.”

  “Yeah, the bus got me back to campus.”

  “You know I would’ve picked you up. That’s still a few miles’ walk.”

  “You did so much. Plus, there was another college student who lives this way on the bus, so I just grabbed a ride.”

  “But you didn’t know that person. You can’t take rides from strangers, girl. The lady that lived next door to me all last year was crazy.”

  I joked, “I know. That’s why you did a full background check on me before you let me in here.”

  “How’d you know about that?” Malloy teased back. “For real, I don’t want to find you on the side of the street. Please call me next time. I was worried, for real. I’m here for you. Dang, why is it hard for you to accept help?”

  “Okay, I hear you saying that. Well, I need some help right now.”

  “What? Name it. Your mom all right?”

  “Yeah, she is as well as can be expected. I went to the third gem ceremony back home, and it was awesome.”

  “Really? Are you allowed to do that? We’re suspended.”

  “Alpha chapter is suspended, but I was down there with Kappa Upsilon, and we’re still on the yard. I could be with them because I’ve been trained.”

  “Oh, go, girl. Gem ceremony three is major. The education one where you’re showered in warm water is so refreshing. Though at the time I wasn’t ready when they poured that warm water on me.”

  “I know, right.”

  “What do you need?”

  “Look at this.” I handed Malloy the letter I badly wanted to burn with a match.

  “What do you want me to do? This is from our college president. I don’t know him like that.”

  “Yeah, but you know Hayden really well. Isn’t this her uncle?”

  “But he’s not going to help us. Our chapter is kicked off the yard, so you know he won’t pull any special favors. You’re just going to have to buckle down and get the right grades. They’re talking about probationary terms; they’re not saying they’re going to kick you out today. You got a chance, but you got to face the music. You just left gem number three—you should be fully charged to do this.”

  “I am, I am, but, I mean, I’m not A-student material.”

  “You don’t know what they’re going to tell you. You might not need As but you’re cutting yourself short. I believe in you more than you believe in yourself, Alyx, and I don’t understand why. You can make any grade you want to make, including As.”

  “No, I can’t. I don’t know if I’m dyslexic or just have some kind of other disability nobody’s figured out yet, but learning just doesn’t come easy to me.”

  “Okay, so you got to study a little harder. We can work this out, but you got to be willing to try. Come on, I’m heading to class.”

  “I got to shower.”

  “Uh, you got to get to a meeting, and I don’t think you are in a position to be late. Let’s go.”

  I grabbed my purse and book and left with Malloy. She gave more encouraging words as we got to the president’s office. She actually walked in with me and said something nice to Malloy’s uncle. He smiled my way, but I knew the facts were the facts. I sure appreciated her trying though.

  “So you’re back again? You’re doing better,” the dean said after all the introductions and I was seated. “But you are still not completely off academic probation. We take value in our minority scholarships, and while we’re extremely excited to have you here, Alyx Cruz, you’ve got to find your way. You must put in the effort, and you really have to turn this GPA around. You came here with a two-point-two. With summer class, you had a two-point-four. Looking at your grades for this fall semester, now you’re around a two-point-six. By the spring semester, you need to have a three-point-oh. So, exams are coming up, and you need to close it out with a bang. How’s the tutor working out for you? He rarely gives people great remarks, but he’s been saying you’re a hard worker. Do you feel he’s helping, or would you rather do it on your own?”

  A lump came to my throat. I hadn’t thought about Cody in days, but as soon as there was a mention of him, my heart skipped a beat. “No, no, no. I like the program you guys have set up and placed for me.” I stood. “And I promise I won’t let you down. I’m going to get a three-point-oh this semester and next semester. I want to be at Western Smith College. I’m not going to take my eye off the goal.”

  9

  PIERCED

  I went in for my next tutoring session and found a note from Cody. I was shocked when I read it.

  Alyx, I thought long and hard about it, and I’m just not going to be able to tutor you anymore. I really think you’re great and all, and clearly I have upset you by not being absolutely forthright about why I wanted you to come to the theater. I know you’re fine academically. You’ve proven that as hard you’ve worked these last few months, you can soar academically. I’ll see you around.

  C

  “What the heck is this?” I said, pacing back and forth, rereading his note for the tenth time as if reading it again would change its message.

  When it sank in that he was ditching me, I dropped into the chair. Yeah, I had worked hard, and I wasn’t saying Cody was my only motivation factor, but he was such a great coach. He knew how to make me not only understand the material but want to get it. I knew I couldn’t get a 3.0 or better without him on my team.

  When I thought back to a week ago when we’d had our rough conversation and I’d basically just left, telling him to get out of my face, I knew I had to make things right. I had to let him know I wasn’t angry with him. He had to go forward with the tutoring.

  I didn’t have his home address, but I did have his number. When I called, I got his machine. It didn’t take me long to think where he could be. I went back over to the theater, this time up to the balcony, and waited until his rehearsal was over. Clearly he was frustrated by the cast, but I was frustrated that he’d walked out on me. I didn’t know if this was a good time or not, but we had to work this out. He had to know I needed his help. So, after practice, I caught up to him.

  “Uh, can we talk for a second?”

  I could tell when his eyes widened that he was shocked to see me. He looked away, but that didn’t deter me.

  “Seriously, I need to talk to you.”

  “I think I said everything in that letter, Alyx. If this is about me tutoring you, there’s no need for us to chat. I just think it’s best you leave it alone.”

  Everybody was looking at me—folks I didn’t know, they looked all concerned, like, “What’s she going to say next? Is he going to help her? Oh, the drama continues.” But this wasn’t a play,
this was my life. Cody needed to help me. I wasn’t here to entertain his cast and crew.

  So I walked closer to him and whispered, “Alone, please. Now.”

  Then I strutted away, shaking my hips to the left and right. I used what I had to make the dude drop everything and follow me immediately. I knew I was successful when I heard the rumblings of others followed by footsteps behind me. Yeah, he was coming. I could do this. I could talk to him. He had to see I needed his help.

  “It’s private right here. Let’s talk!” he called out.

  Turning around, I said, “Okay, so you’re just sending me a cold note dropping me. That was pretty cruel.”

  “What are you talking about? It’s not like we’re cool. You made that pretty clear last week. And the note wasn’t rude.”

  “I know, but I was caught off guard with this whole being-in-a-play thing. I mean, you signed up to be my tutor. I meet with the president of the school and the dean, and thanks to you—”

  “No, no, no, thanks to all the hard work you did. I just told them the truth. You deserve to keep your scholarship so they get behind you. You know I’ve helped you fly. Now it’s your turn to soar.”

  “Well, I just don’t think I can rise without your help,” I said as I moved even closer to him.

  “Well, you’re going to have to because I can’t. I just think we’re too close, and you don’t need all that. It’s not going to work.” He turned and walked back toward the stage.

  Watching him move farther and farther away, my heart sank. Something in me wanted to be connected to this guy. Maybe I had messed up that chance for good.

  “Wait a minute, wait a minute. Please come back. What is it I can do or say to make you help me? Cody, please.”

  All of a sudden, the fine specimen in front of me stopped walking. I didn’t know what to do or how to respond. I didn’t want to push him too much, and I’d already begged sincerely. When he didn’t turn back my way, I realized there was no hope and that somehow I had to find a way to make it without him. Whatever I thought I was feeling for him, I needed to let it go.