Act Like You Know

by Stephanie Perry Moore

I went to the door and turned the knob. It opened. Before I opened it all the way, I could see Cody in Penelope’s embrace. I took a deep breath. My heart started racing so much it felt like I had just run a marathon or something and needed an IV.

  Certainly what I was seeing wasn’t what was really going on. He was backing away as I saw her lips really close to his ear. She was doing more than congratulating him for an excellent job. When I was about to interrupt them and ask for an explanation, I froze in my tracks.

  Penelope said, “You don’t want to end up with that girl, the way you value education. She needed you to tutor her, for goodness’ sake. You need a woman who’s able to help expand your vision. Not someone who is needy. You got to pour so much energy in her you aren’t even able to pay attention to your own dreams and goals. You don’t need her to pull her down.”

  “Naw, you don’t need me to do that,” I said, wishing I could take back each word and just leave him alone for good.

  “Shucks,” Penelope said loudly, knowing I had ruined her rap.

  I walked out of the room and heard Cody say, “Penelope, I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to give you the wrong impression, but she’s my girl. Alyx, come here! Come here!”

  “You did such a good job today,” Ben said to me as I tried to get away.

  Penelope ran past me. Cody grabbed my hand, and I tried to pull away from him. He kept the grip and pulled me back into that room.

  “Look, you don’t have to explain. I saw what I saw. She made a great case. You were wrapped up in her embrace—go after her. Leave me alone,” I said, sounding pitiful.

  “No, we’re not going down this road. You’re not going to get this wrong. You’re going to hear me out. Yes, I hugged her. She’s doing an internship for the ABC Little Rock affiliate evening news, and she brought them here to review the play. They have been advertising it all week—because of that exposure, it was sold out. I was thanking her, and she started making a case as to why she was better than you for me.”

  Sighing with relief, I uttered, “I’m sorry I misjudged the moment. I just don’t want to bring you down. Your woman should contribute to your dream. I can’t offer you as much as Penelope can.”

  “You offer me more. Having you in my life motivates me to succeed. My heart belongs to you, and, truth be told, I could write the best script or direct the best play, but if I didn’t have an actress that got up there and did her thing, it wouldn’t mean anything. So can we leave the ‘you’re not good enough for me’ conversation for good? Can we move past that? Can we get over that? Can you come and give me some sugar? Dang!”

  With a big, huge smile on my face, I went to his arms. I kissed his ear. “Thank you for helping me find my way. I love being an actress.”

  “And I love you,” he said.

  Had he said the big three words? Yep, he had and I was stunned. I took a deep breath, trying to process his response. I’d never heard those words from a man, and hearing them was not taken lightly.

  Other cast members wanted to talk to him. I encouraged him to give them a second. This was his time. He needed to be off and take in all the glory and accolades there were to give.

  The play Know Love was about two people who defied the odds and always gave more to each other than they wanted for themselves. Our relationship was a mirror of that experience. He’d wanted so much for me, and now, as bad as I wished we were alone, I wanted him to have his moment. Finally he agreed, and I was awfully proud to see a big investor smile and then whisk him away.

  It was graduation day. All the sorors were so emotional. Not only did we have a lot of girls graduating—including our Chapter President—but the first African American governor for the state of Arkansas was speaking at the graduation. I hadn’t known Hayden, Bea, Sharon, Dena, and Audria that long, but I knew them to be sorors who wanted to make a difference. They wanted to graduate and get out in the world and even get their master’s or really get to work in their chosen careers and take to heart the real meaning of Beta Gamma Pi. They wanted to leave the world better than they found it. Even though my time to graduate wasn’t until next year and I didn’t at all know how I was going to stay in school to make that happen, today wasn’t about me. It was about being there for my girls and listening to our governor give a speech I knew would really make a difference.

  Governor Floyd came to the podium and said, “Graduate and excel. Yes, I know this is the high point of your life for many of you. Mothers and fathers out there in the audience, I know you’re excited that your child has reached a milestone in his or her life, and although this is a very important day, I am talking to the graduates and those who are close behind them. Yes, graduating is something you strive for or reach hard for, but this is only the beginning. What is burning inside you, longing to come out? What do you want to give to the world? How can you take the education you learned here and educate even more with the knowledge that this institution has given to you? Have your college days helped shape and mold you? Have the mistakes you made here ensured that when you get in the real world, you are done with childish, foolish, crazy things? Yes, life isn’t promised to you, but right now you are living, and you’re breathing, so promise yourself you are going to make the most of it—be positive every day. Know you can achieve and are equipped to do so. Whatever your major or study, once you get out there in the world, tap into that knowledge. Use it to propel you toward greatness. I see a lot of young people—not you guys here at Western Smith College, but a lot of young people—who feel that college is just a place to party, to hang out at, to participate in a group or club at, to socialize at. But these people never really understand the value of an education. Once you know better, once you know in your heart what is right and wrong, once you’re able to reason and think for yourself, you are armed with what it takes to break down the barriers people say you can’t reach. How do you think I got to be the governor of this great state? Many said I couldn’t, and many will say you can’t, but we must turn off those voices that do us no good. We must turn on the ones that can cheer us on.”

  He went on to talk a little longer, but I so wanted to stand up right then and say amen—and I wasn’t even Baptist—because Governor Floyd seemed to be speaking directly to me. I had made a lot of mistakes. I hadn’t taken my education seriously, and now I was in a position where I was paying for my past actions—my scholarship might be taken away. Yet, I still knew I could be something. I knew I could do something. I knew now that my education was important, and I still had a chance to get it right. A graduation ceremony was a symbol of acquiring information from a set course. It was a ceremony that signified that you had moved on from that education, and now that I understood what my life was about, I had a desire and dreams I wanted to obtain. The partying was okay, but it had its place, and I planned to seize all the opportunities set before me. In some way I was also a graduate.

  18

  PROMISE

  “So you ladies think you got it together now, huh? Well, I hope you learned your lesson: the school’s giving you guys a full pardon. You’re ready to get your chapter active again, effective next year,” Malloy’s mother said in our chapter room.

  It was amazing that a full year had passed since I had been a part of Alpha chapter. And now that Hayden had graduated, we were without a leader. In front of our regional coordinator, our chapter adviser, and our National President sat ten ladies from Malloy’s line, plus Trisha—who wasn’t graduating—and myself. We all looked like lost puppy dogs.

  “Okay, so I guess there’s no way to prove to me you’re ready to get your chapter back. I don’t care what the university says—I’m the one who needs to give the okay to the National President. Somebody better speak up and tell me why y’all deserve a chapter,” our adviser said.

  As much as Torian loved to talk, she didn’t say a word. Loni was opinionated and strong-willed, too, yet she was also quiet. Malloy was known for going toe to toe with her mother, but, shockingly, she didn’t say anything ei
ther.

  So I stood and gently said, “Madam President, I was not in this chapter when they went astray—”

  “Yes, that’s right. I remember I met you last year at the National Convention. You were transferring. So your year has been okay?”

  “My year’s been quite eventful, actually, and I don’t think I would have made it through without the sorors in this chapter.”

  “Well, I know Malloy loves having you as a roommate, but do you want to speak to why you ladies deserve a chapter?”

  “I cannot say that I know exactly what the founders were thinking in 1919 on this very soil when they decided to start this organization, but I can say that the five core principles they believed in—leadership, sisterhood, education, Christian principles, and public service—are all evident in Alpha chapter today. I know a lot of people often think the only way to pledge someone is to haze them and make sure they’re not paper, that you cannot be a part of the sisterhood unless you take some kind of beating. But since I’ve been in this chapter, I’ve lost everything—I’ve been emotionally beaten, and only the sisterhood was there to help get me through it. Collegiate chapters across the U.S. are supposed to be the core, the foundation of our organization, and we deserve our chapter back because Alpha chapter is where it all started. And sometimes you have to lose something to be able to completely understand how much you need it, how much you value it, how much you treasure it, and I think not being active on the campus has allowed every member of our chapter, past and present, to understand that we need to be here. We need to be out in the community making a big difference; we need to be on the campus as leaders. We need to have our letter symbols displayed so folks know the Betas are about the business of making the world better. We won’t let anyone down again.”

  “Wow. If I were in this chapter, you’d sure get my vote for Chapter President,” Malloy’s mom teased.

  Shocked, I shook my head. “I think I want to nominate your daughter for that position.”

  Torian stood beside me and said, “I concur wholeheartedly. Malloy is the glue that holds us together. She never wanted to participate in hazing, even last year.”

  “Malloy? Wow,” her mother said.

  “Mom, there’s no way I can top Hayden.”

  “You’re the glue that holds us together,” I said to Malloy.

  Torian leaned in and said, “Because of who your mom is, you know the rules. We need a leader with that knowledge.”

  We went on debating the point for a few more moments, and her mother went out of the room with the regional coordinator and our adviser and then came back and granted us our chapter. We elected officers; the unanimous slate read as follows: Malloy—President, Alyx— First Vice President, Torian—Secretary, and Loni—Treasurer.

  “By the power invested in me as Beta Gamma Pi’s National President, I am honored to install Alpha chapter back on campus and declare that the four officers are duly installed and can begin campus activities August first.”

  I was First Vice President of Alpha chapter—such an honor and a privilege. I knew deep in my heart that if I found the funds to stay, I wouldn’t let the chapter down. How was I gonna make that happen though?

  “So you know we gonna get to have a fall line,” Torian said to me as she, Loni, and I walked across campus. “And we gotta get ready.”

  “Don’t even look at me crazy, girl. We are not going down that road again. We are not getting no underground line.”

  “I’m not saying we need to have an underground line or anything. I’m just saying we need to be strategic about who we want to pick,” Torian said. “We got all summer. We gonna think of something they can legally agree to. See—look at that group over there looking eager,” Torian said, pointing at a group of freshmen. “That one, with her chest hanging out for all to see, rolls her eyes at me every time I see her. I am not picking her.”

  “See? You’re making it personal,” I said.

  “Just because we can’t haze them doesn’t mean they can’t respect us. Let’s keep it real.”

  “Remember, we’re not even back on the yard officially yet,” Malloy said as she came up behind us.

  “Your girl is trippin’,” I told Malloy.

  “Yeah, being off the yard for a year makes it sort of hard. And look at those freshmen over there.” Torian pointed at the same girl for Malloy to see. “That one girl in particular with her chest all showing. Her skirt can’t get any higher, or we’ll be seeing her underwear. She’s stuck up so much I know she wants to be a Beta.”

  The girl was actually cute, but Torian was right—she did look a little too hot, and not in a good way for the yard.

  I said, “She’s walking over here.”

  “Oh, no, she better turn around. Don’t she know we’re Betas? She can’t just speak to us without an invite,” Torian said.

  “Girl, you are crazy! We ain’t even back on the yard, and you are trippin’,” I told her.

  “Well, you talk to her. Come on, y’all,” Torian said as she grabbed Malloy and Loni and left me.

  “Hey, I just wanted to come and introduce myself. I’m Cassidy! I wanted to meet you and your sorority sisters. Can you call them back over here? I don’t know if y’all are back on the yard again. The word is the National President is here, and y’all are gonna have a line, like, now, so I just wanted to introduce my—”

  “Okay, slow down!” I said, cutting her off. “My sorority sisters had to take off. I’m Alyx Cruz. We’re not sure about any lines or anything like that. We are officially off the yard still. However, we are hoping to be back. It’s good to meet you.”

  “Well, any advice you can give me? Anything you can tell me? I ain’t gonna say nothing to nobody. I’m gonna keep it to myself. You can tell me a secret, girl. Hook a sister up! What’s up? What’s up?”

  Okay, this chick was really ghetto fabulous, and that wasn’t a bad thing, but it wasn’t Beta Gamma Pi style. Apparently the way I looked at her made her think she’d done something wrong.

  “What? I’m too much, huh? All my friends said you real cool for an outsider. You should understand a girl like me. I’m a little rough around the edges. You’re a little different for Beta Gamma Pi, too. If you can be a Beta, there’s hope for me. Why everybody gotta be so clean-cut? So stuck up?”

  “Okay, I don’t think you want to use that tone or say anything like that, because when you’re trying to get into a sorority, you got to get voted in. And I’m not considered an outsider.”

  “So I gotta change who I am to try to fit being a Beta?”

  “You need to first understand that being a Beta isn’t something you should need to change into. You shouldn’t have to change you, and you should definitely not want to bring down the organization.”

  “Oh, why you sayin’ it like that? I thought you were cool and stuff.”

  “I am cool. You came to me off the record, and you’re asking me to give you some advice, and I’m just keeping it real. If you don’t want to hear it—”

  “Naw, naw. I do. Most people talk behind my back and say this and that. Can’t even say it to my face. So I respect what you got to say.”

  Now that I had her undivided attention and she was ready to listen to me, I found it hard to say, “You dress like a slut.” How could I tell her she was too loud and obnoxious? “Most of my chapter is not interested in letting a girl like you into our sorority”? But seeing the sincerity in her eyes, I could tell there was really something in her that reminded me of myself. I hadn’t been a shoo-in from my line back in Texas either. They’d had to look deeper. Our founders would want us to give every girl a real chance, and just like academics hadn’t been all that for me when I’d gotten here, the sorors had sat me down—they hadn’t given up on me. True, they hadn’t had a choice—I was already a Beta—but there was something to be said about showing compassion and not judging folks. If I was going to be the leader of the line, I was going to have to rise above and give girls chances when most peop
le would think they didn’t deserve one.

  So I said to Cassidy, “Just look deep inside yourself. Keep supporting our events, do community service, try to be the best Cassidy you can be: and, um, look us up in the fall.”

  “Thanks, girl!” she said and she gave me a big hug. “I ain’t gonna tell nobody we talked. You are the bomb! Thank you!” Then she swished away.

  Everyone was moving out. Malloy was keeping her place; it was a town house her dad was buying. She was going back to New York to do another internship with that designer, and although I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to stay in school, I was praying I could find some kind of job over the summer that would give me money—or apply for a loan. I was planning to stay around, get my head together, and figure it out.

  “You’re gonna be okay,” Malloy said to me by the door on her way out. “I know—Loni and Torian and I are not here this summer.”

  “Oh, that’s ok—you’re going to New York. I don’t know. I have no choice but to focus on what I need to take care of.”

  Malloy said, “You can call me anytime. This is our place. I love you, girl.”

  “I love you, too,” I said.

  “Ah—it looks like you’re not gonna be too alone.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Look who is pulling up,” she said as I peered around her and saw Cody.

  A big smile spread across my face. My girl said she’d give us privacy. I told her to be good in New York, and then my comfort blanket was gone. Then, when my guy came in, I knew I truly wouldn’t be alone.

  “I got some good news and bad news,” he said.

  “I don’t think anything could be any worse than me not knowing how I’m gonna pay for school next semester.”

  “So, which do you want to hear? The good news or the bad news?”

  “Good news.”

  “Well, you know I’ve been meeting with those investors about financing my play in other cities. I’m sorry, baby, that I haven’t been here to be with you. I’ve missed you. They’re gonna finance my play. They want to take it to four states: Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, and all over Arkansas.”