by JJ Ross
“Sonny, I know what you mean. I’m sorry I said it like that. I just mean that you are his girl. You and Chance are together.”
“I love him, but what if there are other things I want? What if the love I feel for him is not like a romantic love, but more of a family love?”
“Sonny, you can’t have it all. You have to make choices.”
“Okay, but, what if there are some things that I feel like I need to do before I settle with Chance?”
“Then maybe you’re not really in love with him.”
“Maybe it’s not love at all. Maybe I am intrigued by how new and secretive it is and that is what I am really in love with. Maybe I am so in love with the idea of being in love, that I have mistaken this infatuation with Chance for real love for a long time!”
He shook his head, “you don’t mean that. Just stop. I shouldn’t be having this conversation with you.”
“Drew, I’ve always come to you about everything. We just finished talking about my sex life last night, for God’s sake! Why can’t we talk about this? Because it involves you? I care about you. You have always been a part of my life and maybe there is something that I have missed between us,” I argued.
“Please stop,” he started.
“Why?!”
“Because…you are with Chance. He is my brother and it’s a really messed up situation. You know what I mean?”
“Yes, yes I do.” I turned to hide the tears that I felt burning in my eyes.
“God, why did I have to open my big mouth? Please don’t cry, Sonny.” he said as he reached out to wipe my face with his sleeve.
He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was doing, “You have always made me feel something that was indescribable. I’m scared to chase it. I was then and I am more scared now, but what if it is the real deal and I miss out on something, rather, someone, that was in front of me my whole life?”
“Exactly. What if we end up missing out on something incredible?”
“But on the same note, what if it’s nothing and you jeopardize everything with Chance and that what you have with him was actually the real deal? What if the way we flirt is in fact just innocent flirting?”
“Drew, I don’t think so. This is more than a silly little flirting and I want to know.” I stepped closer to him again.
“I can’t, Sonny,” he said taking a step away from me.
I tried again, “Drew…I want to know what it’s like to kiss you. The other night, you wanted to kiss me, didn’t you?”
“Sonny, I don’t want to answer that.”
“Why?” I plead.
“Sonny, please quiet down,” he attempted to calm me, “Let’s just leave it alone. Just leave it alone, ok? Please?”
I stepped close to him again, blocking his exit.
“What if….” I cried, “What if I don’t want to be with Chance, anymore, at all?”
“You don’t mean that. I think you might be confused right now, but deep down, you know that Chance is the one for you. Let’s not do anything that would risk what you two have. Okay? I mean…if it doesn’t work out, which it will…but if it doesn’t, then maybe we could try…” he sighed, “Sonny, I really need to go. I will see you tonight at the party, okay?”
“You’re coming?” I asked. I had already forgotten about the party.
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I? I come every year, don’t I? We’ll talk tonight, okay?” he said as he began to climb down the ladder forcing our conversation to a halt.
“Right…see you later.”
Two hours into the evening and after we had had our fill of adult conversations, Maggie and I made our way up to my room.
“Are you missing your honey bunch?” she joked.
“Yeah,” I sighed looking over at his window. “He’s been pretty quiet the last couple of days.”
“Good thing you have Drew to keep you company,” she teased.
“It’s not like that!” I snapped, surprising myself.
“Um, I was just teasing.”
“Sorry Maggie. I’m a little defensive.”
“If I didn’t know any better, I would swear you still had a crush on the bad boy,” she smirked.
“It’s not a crush…it’s…we’re friends. Nothing more.”
She shrugged, “Okay. Whatever you say.”
I told her about Chance and how we were doing and she told me about her and her new fling, Shayne. Shayne was one of Drew’s friends from high school. He was a local fire fighter and quite handsome. I gave her kudos for going out with him.
We giggled late into the night. Finally, it was time for her to go. I decided that I wanted to stay to see if maybe Chance would sneak over, or even if Drew would stop by. There was no chance in me getting any sleep yet, because my parents were still up with their friends, joking, and laughing, and being loud.
I was almost asleep, when there was a tap on the door. I saw Drew’s head poke in.
“You want some company?” he asked.
“Where have you been all night?” I asked anxiously.
“I met up with some guys from high school, and we had a few drinks…nothing big,” he smiled as he lay down on my bed.
“Are you drunk?”
“Shhh…” he teasingly scolded as he lay back on his hands and closed his eyes.
“So, you are?” I asked in disbelief.
“God…you smell so good….” He mumbled as he closed his eyes. He reached out for my hand.
“Drew?” I asked as I held his hand.
“You smell amazing…” he said pulling me onto his chest and wrapping his arms around me.
“Drew…” I said up to the ceiling. I was disappointed. I don’t know what I had expected from that night. I wanted to continue our conversation from earlier that day. I wanted him to kiss me when he held me close like that. I wanted so much from him and I got nothing.
“I just need you…” he slurred.
We laid like that for a long time, letting his words hang in the air.
“Drew…I…” I stopped suddenly. I heard the creak of the roof and I sat up, pulling away from him. He leaned up on his elbows to look, too.
Chance quietly climbed in the window and looked to me and then Drew and back to me.
“He’s been drinking, huh?” he laughed, unaware of how close we had just been. Great. I would have to wait until another time to talk to Drew.
“Just a few. Shayne dropped me off earlier and I stopped by to see what everyone was up to,” Drew explained.
“Are Mom and Dad still downstairs?” Chance asked.
“Yeah, we better get home before they notice you’re gone,” Drew mumbled as he got off the bed and gave me quick hug.
“I swear, this grounding thing sucks out loud.”
“You’ll learn. A pretty face always causes problems,” he joked nodding my way.
“Yeah, but she sure is cute,” Chance smiled at me as he leaned forward and kissed me on the mouth. Drew looked away and headed to the window.
“Come on lover boy, let’s hurry,” he said as he jumped out. Chance gave me another quick kiss on the cheek and followed him. Drew turned around one last time when Chance passed him. He held my gaze, but gave nothing away as to what he was thinking.
“Night Sonny.”
“G’night, Drew,” I managed to choke out in a whisper.
New Year’s Eve I was supposed to go to Shayne’s house for a party. When Chance and I got there, it was already crowded. Everyone was there. The football team, cheerleaders, friends who had graduated a few years ago, and many more people were all crowded into his house.
Drew was in town, and without a doubt, already in the house somewhere, but I had not seen him, yet. I secretly hoped I would get to see him and maybe spend time with him, alone. Our last encounter had been the night of my parents’ party, and had ended, kind of suddenly. We had not spoken or emailed since then, so I was hoping that I might get a few words in with him. Hopefully.
“Ch
ance, you wanna get in on this game of beer pong?? We need one more,” said a random guy as he pulled Chance from me by the shoulder. He looked at me for approval.
“Go,” I assured him, “I will mingle.” He quickly kissed my cheek as he grinned and headed toward the garage.
I squeezed through the crowded room as I made my way to the kitchen. I poured myself a non-alcoholic drink and sipped it slowly as I looked around. Everyone was smiling and laughing, but I felt all alone in that crowded house. I felt as if no one could or would ever go through what I was dealing with inside.
I talked to a few people and hung out for a while, but easily got bored. Where was he?
It was getting crowded pretty quickly as more people arrived, so I decided to head downstairs. I had not seen Shayne yet, and I was curious as to where he was. It was his party after all.
I pushed through a crowd of people toward the downstairs part of the house, and made my way towards the recreation room that Shayne had converted to a cozy den. He had a pretty nice house for an unmarried firefighter.
Sure enough, he was there with his arm around Maggie sitting on the couch watching the Times Square special on the big screen TV in front of him, waiting for the ball to drop.
I smiled as I walked toward them.
“Hey Mags,” I said as I plopped down onto the plush leather couch.
“Hey,” she said as she pulled from his side and gave me a quick hug, “Where’s Chance?”
“He’s playing beer pong. So, what are you doing down here? Did you two need alone time?” I winked.
She laughed, “Na, we were just talking about spring break. We were thinking of heading south to the beach. What do you think?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I just don’t think that my parents will let me go out of town on an overnight trip. I just, I can’t wait to turn 18 like you!” I laughed.
“True.” We settled back to watch the live concerts that were being performed in Times Square as New York waited for the official countdown. We were finally down to the last 5 minutes before the ball was going to drop and I sprang to my feet.
“I guess I better find Chance for my midnight kiss,” I said as I walked toward the door. I began to make my way up stairs and through the crowded living room and kitchen without luck. I began to move quickly as I made my way to the garage. It had emptied out by now and everyone was in the living room. I began to panic as I heard the countdown from 60. Where was he? I took a gamble and rushed up the stairs. Maybe, for some reason he had made his way up there.
I stood at the top of the staircase and looked over the crowd, scanning for him. While the crowd counted down from 20, I thought I spotted him, and turned to rush down the stairs.
Just as I turned, I ran right into Drew’s chest.
“Sorry,” I mumbled as I froze looking at him. The dim lighting made the caramel of his eyes even dreamier. I took a deep breath as I tried to focus, still dazed from the contact.
“What’s wrong?” he asked noting the urgent look on my face.
“I’m…I’m just…looking for Chance,” I explained quickly. The numbers in the background continued from the crowd downstairs, 11…10…9…
“He was just downstairs,” he replied. In the background: 7…6…5…4…
“3…2…1,” he said to me and then quickly pulled me close and kissed me softly on my lips. I let his tongue invade my mouth and take me away in those few seconds. It felt like it lasted forever as he lightly held me by the waist and cupped my chin, taking me in.
“Happy New year, Sonny,” he whispered as he let me go.
I felt the tingle on my lips and his taste was still in my mouth. I didn’t dare move, wishing the moment wouldn’t pass, thankful it wasn’t a dream. I stared at him in disbelief as he adjusted his hat and looked away as if embarrassed.
“Happy New Year Drew,” it was all I could think to say as I stood before him dumbfounded. We stood looking at each other fighting to find the words to say next.
“Now you know….” he finally said burning into me with his eyes.
I looked at him quizzically, “Know what?”
“What it’s like,” he explained quietly. I realized what he was talking about our conversation. Before I could say another word, I was jerked away from in front of him.
Chance pulled me into his arms and planted his lips on me, forcing me to taste the beer he had been consuming since we had arrived. He finally pulled from his sloppy drunken kiss and looked at me.
“I was looking for you,” he slurred, “Happy New Year baby!” He turned and hugged his brother and then swayed in front of me again. I shook my head in disgust.
“You’re trashed,” I accused. He laughed and nodded his head.
“Yes ma’am I am…” he replied as I glared at him in disapproval.
“Come on, let’s go home,” I said as I reached for his hand. He quickly jerked from me as he became angry.
“I am not leaving. If you wanna go, you can go, but I am staying here.”
“To do what, throw up in the garage?”
“Actually Sonny, I think he is just gonna stay here for tonight. I got him. We can’t go home with him like this. My mom is gonna be pissed,” explained Drew.
“That’s right, see…at least he loves me,” said Chance as he pointed to his brother drunkenly.
“Fine. Whatever,” I said as I turned to leave.
“Baby, don’t go,” he said as he grabbed my wrist, looking at me with his sad puppy dog face. I gently pulled from his hold and looked him over.
“I can’t deal with you like this.”
Drew quickly stepped in and put his arm around Chance, “I am gonna take him to the extra bedroom and we will stay the night. Do you need a ride Sonny?”
“No, I haven’t had anything to drink. I’m fine,” I assured him.
“If you need anything, let me know, okay?” he said sincerely.
I nodded and quickly ran down the stairs. Safely inside my car, I sat in front of the steering wheel with my car parked by the road.
I was still not able to put the car in drive. Technically, I should be pissed about how intoxicated Chance was and how he had abandoned me at a party for some silly drinking games.
You know, they say that whoever you kiss at midnight will be who you kiss for the rest of the year, so your “midnight kiss” is supposed to be special. I should be upset that he tried to plant a halfhearted drunken kiss on me at midnight. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t even thinking about him.
The car was running and I had my hand on the gearshift, but all I could think about was Drew. I did finally know, and kissing him was more than I thought it would be. It was unbelievable. All I could think was that I wanted more. I wanted to be with him.
I quickly snapped out of it and pulled away from Shayne’s house. I let the trees fly by as I drove home through the icy night.
Chapter 10
Suddenly, after driving for at least fifteen minutes, my phone rang through the silence in the cab of my car.
“Hello?”
“Where are you?”
“About ten minutes from home.”
“Oh,” he was quiet for a moment.
“Drew…about earlier…”
“Look…Chance is passed out and I was hoping, I mean, can I see you?”
“Now?”
“Yeah.”
“Where?”
“Where ever.”
“Well, my parents are gone to a party for the night, so, if you wanna come over, that’s fine.”
“Okay, I should be there in a little bit.”
“Okay,” I said as my heart raced. I heard the line go dead and I dropped the phone into my lap. I took a deep breath, taking a minute to think about what could happen. What I hoped would happen...
I stood by the front door anticipating his arrival. I had already heard the roar of his truck’s engine and I knew he was seconds away. I heard the rustle outside the front door and swung it open immediately, surprising him.
He looked stunned for a moment, but quickly stepped in and quietly shut the door behind him.
“Look,” he started, “about earlier…”
“Please don’t say anything Drew,” I said as I put a finger to his mouth, quieting him. He looked at me for a moment and then grabbed my hand. He spun me around and up onto the front door as he pressed against me.
“You make me feel things and do things that are just not me.”
“Me too,” I whispered.
“I shouldn’t care about you the way I do. I shouldn’t have you in my thoughts every minute of every day,” he whispered sharply holding my gaze.
“But you do,” I finished as I picked an imaginary piece of lint from his shirt, looking away from him.
“But I do,” he replied. He wrapped his arms around me, “But I do,” he repeated.
He leaned down and lightly kissed my mouth. His kiss became more passionate as he cradled my face with both of his strong hands. I didn’t hesitate. I grabbed his solid shoulders, pulling him closer to me, willing him to do more. I ran my hand up his back, under his shirt. I could feel his shoulders tense with my light touch as he continued to kiss me. Time stopped as we devoured each other.
After a while, he pulled back and looked at me hesitantly, both of us catching our breath. He was having a battle with himself. I could see it all over his face.
“Damn it. I gotta get going,” he said quietly, looking at his phone.
“Don’t go,” I whispered. I guess if I whispered, then what I was doing wasn’t so bad, because no one could hear me. That was my rationale anyways.
He gently stroked my cheek, “I really need to go. I promised Shayne I’d come back.”
“Why did you come in the first place?” I asked, hoping for the words I wanted to hear. I wanted confirmation that my feelings were reciprocated.
He dropped his hand as he took a deep breath and studied my face, “I don’t really know why I came. Well, I know why and I know that when I kissed you earlier, it was amazing. I guess I just can’t help but wonder...”
“So this is just about settling your curiosity?”